Last night my sleep was riddled by periods of being awake, as most pregnant moms with a sick 1o month old would be. But in addition, my sleep was riddled with disturbing, very vivid dreams that I found so ironic and so bizarre that I felt I needed to attempt to share them. Now, as anyone knows, dreamland has no logic and to eloquently describe a dream as the dreamer experienced it is darn near impossible, yet still, I will try.
In my first dream, the one I remember the least, and therefore will struggle with most to describe, I don't know where I was. A house? At a party? The house was big, dark (inside and out, though I don't recall actually seeing the outside) The inside seemed to be lit only by candles (that candle lit glow) and yet I don't recall seeing any candles. There were people there that in my dream *I knew* I knew. But their faces were not familiar. Ok, now for the strange part. I was undoubtedly me. BuzzysMama (minus Buzzy) and I was definitely female, but I wasn't. I felt an intense not love, not passion, not lust, but an intense 'something' for a girl who was there with me who happens to be my friend M. She looked a bit different in my dream. Much longer dark hair and much more angled, intense features and yet she had freckles, which she does not in real life. In the dream I also remember knowing I had this seriously catastrophic secret to keep from her and yet I was at peace because she already knew? There was no real beginning or culmination to the dream. Like I said, I don't remember it well but the ambience of the dream was nostalgic, warm and had underlying tones of lies, deceit and a farce on my part. What could this mean?
My second dream takes place in a hospital. One particular room. It was all white and I was the patient. At first I don't know why I was there except to get a catheter? And I remember being fearful of how much it would hurt without enesthetic. Someone, a doctor? a nurse? a stranger?, told me I wouldn't feel a thing. And then suddenly I was in the operating room, only if you can imagine, I was watching my surgery through a very narrow zoomed-in camera lense. They were reconstructing my boobies. And as they did so, they explained to me (the me that was watching, not the me having the surgery) that they were placing the nipples in a better location for nursing. They told me that 'while they were in there' (because this reconstruction was not the real purpose of the surgery) that they thought this would help. And in my mind, me having surgery, I knew they were giving me a cerclage (a cervical stitch) to keep my new baby inside longer. And yet later in my dream, they had actually removed the baby, placed her in a tiny metal pod looking device and told me they were going to dilate me and 'put her back'. (but in much more crude terms that I cannot remember, but I knew they shocked me) There was more to this dream but it was irrelevant and not at all related to the part I just described.
So, if any psychologist, dream interpreter or just someone wants to attempt to help me out with the meaning of the dreams (and I don't mean fortune telling, or future predictions of money, love or the like), PLEASE, feel free.
I have been feeling great conviction lately (which is also why a confessional follows) My greatest conviction is that which includes me spending (or not spending) enough time with Buzzy. Don't get me wrong. I spend every waking moment with her but in large my mind is elsewhere which ultimately makes me feel like a really cruddy mom.
Her one year immunizations are coming up and I am dreading them. I hate to see her cry, especially when a stranger is 'hurting her' and she doesn't understand why. The selfish part of me wants to leave the room, to not have to watch, to not share in the emotional pain a mommy must endure when seeing her child/ren in pain. And yet the mommy in me feels convicted, to stay, to watch, to be-a-part, to make it less traumatic and less lonely for Buzzy.
Also, after reading a particular blog I feel especially convicted to be more selfless, less ornery and more understanding and compassionate of my husband's feelings, needs, and wants. I feel the need to be a better wife, a better homemaker, a better person for him. God willing and only by His grace of course because He knows this is not my nature.
So, here it is. I'm going to lay it out on the table. I am a jealous person. I find myself envying and coveting what others have. Only recently, however, has it come to my attention (by reading someone else's blog) how detrimental this behavior can be, and truly is.
I have always been a vain person. Even while my body proportion has always been on the larger side I have always been physically vain. I know I have (had) beautiful hair, I covet no one else's face. My skin is perfect, my features large and often complimented. But despite being vain, I have always been desperately insecure. Physically insecure, emotionally insecure and many other kinds of insecure I can't even think of and this is where my jealousy comes in. I see what is wrong (or what I believe is wrong) with me, find someone who posesses that of which I believe I lack and obsess about it. I often have found myself inexplicably looking for confirmation, reassurance and acceptance in the strangest places.
Hence, this blog. I didn't fully realize this until last night (when again, I was reading someone else's blog) but I not only use this blog as an outlet. I find myself expecting from it. Expecting people to read, be interested, leave comments, even 'follow' me.
And who am I?
No one, that is who.
Why do I allow myself to obsess about who from where and when is following me? Why do I check my blog counter and analytics several times a day to see how many 'unique viewers' I've had? Why do I see other blogs with 100's, 1000's, even millions of followers and I feel envy. Why do I care? Who do I think I am? Why do I feel the need for that which others have? What would I even gain if I were to obtain that which others have? Nothing. Momentary self worth? Why do I need that?
The answer is, I don't need that. When I think about it, I don't even want it. I just wanna be BuzzysMama and so, for those who do follow, please forgive me if I don't post every day. I will continue to post when I feel the need to vent or share but I am no longer going to attempt to 'get my blog out there'. I have a beautiful 10 month old asleep in my arms who will soon grow up and time will be lost. The computer and my blog will always be here.