Thursday, May 7, 2009

Is It So Horrible?

**Disclaimer: What I am about to write I feel bad about. There are times, because of what I'm about to write, that I feel like the worst possible mother.

There are times since I have become a mom, that I think back to before I became a mom and regret not doing more. Traveling, working, doing things I love like photography, scrapbooking, writing my novels, my poetry. I wish sometimes, I had spent more time alone with my husband. I wish I had slept, A LOT, more.

Now as I sit here, almost 7 months pregnant with Little Nameless, sweating (not because it's hot but just because my overactive sweat glands are reacting to all these pregnancy hormones) tired (because Buzzy no longer sleeps peacefully through the night, not to mention my frequent urination, horrid acid reflux and bodily aches) I can't help but think how much I miss things of not-being-a-mommy. Taking a shower whenever I want without making sure someone or something is entertaining my baby so she doesn't cry. Leaving the house with no more than my keys and my wallet. Eating a bunch of junk without feeling guilty for not giving baby some. Jumping spontaneously in the car and going somewhere (ANYWHERE) just because I want to.

Today, my Myturo asked me (during a small argument) if I'd like to work. I rolled my eyes and said no, as I am used to doing when he gets obnoxious. But the more I thought about it, work doesn't sound so bad. A few hours of me time. A few hours of NOT changing diapers. Of NOT making bottles. Of NOT listening to a whiny 11 month old. Of NOT having to entertain anyone.

(((sigh))) And then my poor Little Nameless. Truthfully, there are times I wish I wasn't pregnant. I wish I had been more careful with birth control. I wish I had been more responsible.

Which by the way breaks my own heart as I type it. I love my new little baby girl. I really do. I want her and there is nothing in the world that would make me give her up or change my mind about being a mommy a 2nd time. I'm just soooo tired.


What makes me feel the worst about feeling this way is that my little girl is so well behaved. She entertains herself when Mommy gets absorbed in the computer, she doesn't throw random temper tantrums, she is just an abnormally good girl. And here I sit, complaining.

Maybe it's because for 11 months I have only had several very short lived outings on my own (an hour or two or three) tops. Maybe it's because I'm still immature and selfish and I need to just grow the heck up. Maybe it's because motherhood wasn't all the roses and flowers and beautiful things I imagined once upon a time. Maybe, it's because I'm pregnant and once Little Nameless is born my feelings will change and everything will be okay, and good and right in the world again. I pray for the latter.

Now that I think about it, I realize that my emotions could be because I am alone so often. When I was pregnant with Buzzy I was always with family. We'd go to the mall, go shopping, go here and there and everywhere and I didn't feel alone. Now, even though Myturo is home, I feel alone. Most of my family works and Myturo, even though this is my second (third really) pregnancy, still does not know how to sympathize, listen or console me. If I am in a bad or sad or mad or just plain emotional mood, he becomes very defensive as though I am accusing him of it being his fault. I'm not. Although now-a-days I playfully tell him it is, to try to lighten the mood. It doesn't lighten the mood. It usually makes things worse.

(((sigh)))

And now that I have unloaded that whole mess, I am feeling a bit better.
Not so regretful.
Not so remorseful.
Not so glum.
Not so Eeyore-ish.

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4 comments :

  1. As moms, we all go through similar periods feeling overwhelmed, tired and disappointed. It's tough to give up so much of yourself constantly. The blog can be a great place to get all these feelings out. I've been a mom for 12 years and I often feel guilty about having feelings of resentment. We're human. We do our best. Keep those feet up :) You're doing a good job. Buzzy is lucky to have you!

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  2. Anyone who says they don't occasionally miss their carefree days before parenthood would just be lying to them self. Becoming a mom is a huge adjustment, for everyone. What you are feeling is totally normal, and just part of that adjustment. Don't beat yourself up over it, or feel bad for being human. You're a good mama, just a little overwhelmed, and I would be shocked if you weren't feeling that way right now =). You are doing a great job! And someday, when the kids are grown, and we are still young enough, we can go back to pick up all those things we can't do right now. Enjoy it while it lasts, they won't be little forever =]

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  3. Girl, you've got so much going on... Since I'm not yet a mother, I can't speak from experience, but I do know that I have heard others say very simliar things... ((HUGS))

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  4. Oh, you are absolutely 100% normal to have these feelings! Any mom who denies having those moments occasionally is lying through her teeth.

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