Saturday, August 1, 2009

Fear

GOD HAS THE POWER TO TURN IT OFF


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It has been said by a well reknowned President and by many others before and after, I'm sure, that
"There is nothing to fear except fear itself."

Bullshitcrap

I can name several things I fear, and have an immediate fear of and for that do not include 'fear itself'.

#1: My scheduled cesarean on Monday. No, I am not actually scared of the operation. I fear the ginormous (yes, gigantic + enormous) needle they are going to stick in my back that they call a spinal block. I had an epidural with Buzzy but I was so far gone in my pangs of labor that I didn't feel anything but a small pinch from the initial numbing shot. I fear the pain of this shot, having had no significant pain prior to numb it. I also fear the recovery. Recovering from having your guts sliced open horizontally about 4-5 inches long and a 8+ lb child yanked through is no walk in the park. I will never forget the feeling that my bladder and intestines would pop through at any moment. Not to mention the pain of having the staples removed from under skin that is trying to heal over them. Not to mention the itchiness from that healing skin, trying to heal over them. Not to mention the fear of infection from too much water retention in the wounded area. Not to mention the idea of reopening the wound to drain the fluid and then leaving it open to 'heal from the inside out'. No, none of that was fear itself. That's for sure. Thank God, the latter didn't happen. But I do fear that it may this time. I also fear for Little Nameless. Regardless of her obvious health and vitality inside my womb right now there are always chances something could go wrong. No good and sincere mother can honestly say that they do not fear for their child's life the minute that life begins within her.

#2: I am fearful that Buzzy will be traumatized by my sudden disappearance for 3-5 days. I fear she won't forgive me and will be devastated that I would leave her, despite the good hands I leave her in. (Yes, I believe she loves me that much...LOL)

#3: I fear for my marriage and the impact it can/will have on my girls. I fear I will never be able to hold my tongue and my husband will never grow up and together we will ruin one of the most beautiful things two people can share: Their family. I fear that in a fit of rage one day one of us will do something stupid such as leave and leave for good. I fear he would take my girls from me and hop the border, taking them to a country they have never visited, to a family they have never met and they would be without me. I fear they would be scared. I envision Buzzy's face when I ask Myturo to come in, in the middle of the night to lay with her and give her her bottle while I make my 32nd trip to the bathrom. Her wide brown tear filled eyes as she cries and screams mama, muhmuh, meme, maymay, mama! trying every possible form of the word mama to get me to come back. And in that instance I am only going twenty feet away to the bathroom where she can see me. It breaks my heart to ever think she might be taken from me.

#4: On a completely unrelated subject, I fear for my country and the people who reside in it. I fear under the Obama administration and the crooked and negligent policies that are being tossed around in congress. I fear for our rights, our liberties and the foundation that up until now has been rock solid beneath us as a nation. I fear what this means for my grandparent's and their health. I fear what this means for my girls and their future. I fear what it means for my husband and his status here in the United States and what that would mean for our marriage.

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#5: I fear the unknown and the fact that life's most traumatic, tragic and devastating events generally come by surprise. Death, accidents, injuries, illness, loss. I fear these and I fear they will come when I least expect it and am least able to cope.

One thing I do not fear, though, is God. I know He will not allow me more pain than I can handle in the delivery room. I know he will hold both Little Nameless and me during the operation and regardless of the outcome, it will glorify Him. I know that while I am away He will wrap His comforting arms around Buzzy and my absence will make her stronger, more independent and teach her trust, patience, understanding. I know that within our beautiful country God knows who stands for right and who stands for wrong, who stands for Him and who doesn't and justice will be served, in this life or after regardless. And I know that the unknown is part of how God keeps us mentally healthy, how He teaches us life lessons and how we don't ultimately destroy everything He has planned for us. I know that when death, accidents, injuries, illness and loss occurs it is to glorify Him. When you walk with Him, He will not let you fall, but carry you through your toughest hours. I must remember this. I will remember this.

On a completely different note, I have to say I have found yet another smell, that if it were edible I would gladly eat it. Yes, I am still in love with Irish Spring soap. In fact even when I think about it I feel the urge to go wash my hands and stick my nose all over the beautiful blue bar. LOL But my 2nd love is Lemon Pledge. Yep, give me a can of lemon pledge in one hand and a bar of Irish Spring soap in the other and I am one happppppy girl. LOL

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