Sunday, December 27, 2009

He Drives Me Nuts

Buzzy talks to Art every night before going to sleep and every night I have to talk to him too. It drives me crazy. Not only does he have nothing important to say but he says the same trivial things over and over and over. And as if that isn't bad enough, he mumbles. Oh Lordy does he mumble and half the time I have to have him repeat 2-3 times the trivial little detail to understand what he said and then I realize that I didn't really want or need to know it in the first place. AGGH!

I thought that this time apart, him living with his nephews and me living with my mom might birth within me a renewed sence of appreciation for him, a new desire, a longing or at least a sence of nostalgia for what at one time was. Yet, I find myself feeling more and more distant. I don't love him. I don't want him. He can offer me nothing except monetarily and even at that, the government and my family do a much better job. He is literally only connected to me by my girls. This makes me sad because at one time I loved him very much. At one time I risked everything not only to be with him but to make him legal and able to stay with me.

How things change in such a short amount of time.
I dedicate this song by Taylor Swift to my relationship with him. The relationship that started at 15.

Fifteen lyrics
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;
You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out
Well, count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be outta here as soon as we can

And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

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