Saturday, January 23, 2010

BATTER SPLATTER - A Vent? Tirade? I don't know

WARNING: This post may very well be a conglomeration of verbal diarrhea mixed with an occasional obscenity that I may or may not strike out. In the mood for an 'all over the place' post? Read on. In the mood for a succinct, good flowing, well thought out post? Move on.

MY EX HUSBAND
When I think about this man I feel such a disturbing combination of emotions that immediately the chemicals in my brain read, 'eat, eat now, you need to eat, feel better!' I won't though. I crossed out the Ex in the title because technically he is not my ex . . . yet. We are still legally married and he still wants us to be together. I don't. This is one of those things that makes me want to eat. But I won't. He calls me often, texts me even more. He calls me beautiful and says wonderful, optimistic things of the future with my girls, him and myself living under one room. I know . . . this all sounds nice. But it's fanciful. I can't live under the same roof as him. It has been proved time and again. Aside from his lack of spacial cleanliness, his (non-diagnosed) narcolepsy and his need for 'intimacy' at all friggin' hours of the day (even when our babies are awake), there is his temper. I can't live with a man who has a temper like his. I can't love a man who has a temper like his. Thinking back on the night I decided to leave makes me want to get up from this computer right now and go find something comforting in the pantry or the fridge. But I won't. I won't. Nope. I won't be a victim anymore. I won't be a doormat. I won't be abused. I won't allow my girls to witness the insanity that was my household ever again. I will not be in love with him (though I will always love him because he is my girl's daddy) and I will not eat because of these things.

I read a blinkie or a glitter graphic or some such thing this afternoon that said,
'If hunger isn't the problem, than food isn't the solution.'

It's so true. 3 weeks ago and all time before that food was my friend and my enemy. It comforted me when I needed comforting for whatever reason I needed it, but then 'went behind my back' and added weight to my body. The added weight caused more issues in various parts of my life and so I returned to food, who in turn comforted me and just as before 'went behind my back' and added more weight to my body. It was a vicious circle. My ex was a huge catalyst of that vicious circle. But no more. Nope, no more.

REWARDS

I've been thinking about how I can reward myself as I meet my goals/milestones. I suppose this is a good place to say what those milestones are. I think I will create a tab later at the top of my blog for people to see my goals and if/when I have met them.

So here they are:

Get under 300lbs. - I'm 8lbs away. I hope to have this goal achieved by Valentines Day. Is that too ambitious?

Get to 250lbs. I haven't been 250lbs since high school.

Get to 199lbs. I don't even remember a time in my life when I saw that number on the scale. The lowest in high school I ever weighed was 203. Why did I let that slip away.

Get to 150lbs. This is my first ULTIMATE GOAL. I want to see if I am satisfied and comfortable with myself at 150lbs. I have been told by many people that underneath the mass of my body that I am probably by genetics a fairly small person. So if I am still not 100% happy at 150 I will be moving on to the next goal.

Get top 130lbs. This is my ULTIMATE ULTIMATE GOAL and is only set in place if I don't look emaciated at 150lbs. Only time will tell.

Anyhoo, I don't have any rewards in mind for any of my goals except my ULTIMATE GOAL of 150lbs. I have decided to get a tattoo. A cute little swirly/or tribal number on my lower back with the small elegant initials of my girl's names. What is the significance of this reward? Vengeance... Okay so it's maybe 2% vengeance and the rest just pure desire. I have always wanted a tattoo. Since I was about 12-13 I wanted a tattoo. I met my ex husband went I was 15 and he (honest to God) believes that tattoos are only for prostitutes and therefore as his girlfriend and later as his wife, I was strictly forbidden to get one. Well, I am no longer bound by his unfounded beliefs and so with that 2% of vengeance (the ha ha I can do whatever I want to now and you can't stop me) and the 98% desire of finally I am doing something I want - for me - I will go and get myself a tattoo. Yay!

SISTERLY BONDING BY NUMBERS
Aside from the goals stated above, I have one more goal to meet. It sits somewhere between my 2nd to last goal - 199lbs and my last goal (not the 130lbs but the 150lbs)

You see my sister weighs somewhere between 150-160 and I have decided that I want to be able to share clothes with her. Despite the fact that she's a good 3 inches taller than me has no bearing on this. I WILL share clothes with her. She likes my fashion sense anyway and some of her clothes are so stinkin' cute! Anyway, so I have decided that once I am down into the 170's-ish, I am going to have her start weighing with me and on the day that I weigh the EXACT SAME or less than her is the day she and I are going to celebrate. BIG. I don't know what. I don't know how. But it WILL HAPPEN. You hear that Clem. You and me baby, in like, oh I don't know. For my 26th birthday in October you and I are gonna go do somethin' fabulous. Or somewhere around that date because that is close to when I want to be in the 170's range and you get bet your bonnet (only Clem knows what this means) I'll be steppin' up the exercise (unless I'm running marathons by then) to get to her weight.

FLABBY FLAPS
Does anyone who has a significant amount of weight to lose, like 75lbs or more, worry about what their skin will do/look like when they've lost all their weight? I keep hearing, oh you're young and your skin still has its elasticity but I've had 2 babies and I've been nearly 400lbs. That's huge. (quite literally) and so I'm wondering if when all is said and done if my arms/belly/butt/thighs are going to be just a bunch of hangy chicken flabby flaps or what. I imagine there are exercises I can do to help tone the skin/muscle and try to tighten it up, but what if I can't. Will cardio and mild toning exercises modified at home be enough?

I will leave you with that.

Good Night Sweet Blogging World! Or to some Good Morning!

The Fat Chick

7 comments :

  1. Following the weight loss, you can have minor one-day surgery to remove the loose skin, 2 friends of mine had it done, and they look great.

    You can get to 299 before Valentines Day if you get real about it. Godd luck, I'm cheering you on!

    Secretia

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  2. I am older and my skin visually hangs at this point. It did bother me a lot at first, I was loosing weight and my face looked younger and my friends were like wow you like 5-10 years younger and then I would see myself naked and think.. "wow no woman under 70 should have skin that hangs past their privates" The skin over the course of a year has gotten better. AND at your age lets hope with proper hydration and skin care you will not need surgery... I but I suggest get to your goal weight and wait a year or so and at least give your body a chance to do what its gunna naturally.

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  3. Yeah! I am so excited to read your goals. Right now I am at 313 and my first mini-goal is to be at 299! It's totally doable, it just takes practice (counting calories, exercising, you know.)

    Start getting into the "swing of things" and you'll be there in time for Valentine's Day!

    You can do it! (If I can lose weight, ANYONE can!)

    :)

    Have a great weekend!

    Oh, if you have time, check out the giveaway I am hosting on my blog this week!

    Julia
    http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com

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  4. Your goals are do-able!!!I still think you need more food to perservere as time goes by but, you'll figure it out. You are very determined!!!!
    As an older chick who went thru alot of what it sounds you did when I was your age and with a young child to boot----I feel your pain and congratulate you for being strong enough to get the frig away NOW...and never look back!
    And tattoos are for prostitutes? LMAO...oh boy. My hubby is a tattoo artist and its a good thing thats not the case hehehe.
    Keep on being strong :-)

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  5. Your goal is definitely do-able! I'm cheering you on as well. My one month goal is to reach 10%. That should be right around V-Day, so I'll definitely be right there with you ;)

    The highest weight I was at was 290, my goal is 135 and my biggest fear is the excess skin. It was one of the major things that held me back from losing weight. But I've been told that if we drink lots of water and exercise, it'll help the skin to stay toned and makes it easier for it to "snap back."

    I congratulate you on leaving your ex. My fiancee would be so supportive about everything, but he had such a horrible temper that I couldn't be with him either. One of the things I want to do when I reach goal is to get a tattoo [or 10, lol.] I say definitely go for it! What are you planning to get done?

    Have a nice weekend!

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  6. You can do it!!!! I love tatoos! And wouldn't that be amazing to do something just for you!!!! I am still married to my XAH. Its a pain in the but to get divorce and food and stress are like white on rice in my world. I commend you for trying to stay away from the fidge! Blessed Be

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  7. yay! go you! i have 100 pounds to lose, too, and i'm 42 and having had 4 kids, i'm more than a little scared about what my tummy is gonna look like. i just keep thinking that it will be worth it...i will be skinnier, healthier...and i can save up to have a tummy tuck!

    go for it, girl! 299 by v-day!

    ReplyDelete

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