When I think about this man I feel such a disturbing combination of emotions that immediately the chemicals in my brain read, 'eat, eat now, you need to eat, feel better!' I won't though. I crossed out the Ex in the title because technically he is not my ex . . . yet. We are still legally married and he still wants us to be together. I don't. This is one of those things that makes me want to eat. But I won't. He calls me often, texts me even more. He calls me beautiful and says wonderful, optimistic things of the future with my girls, him and myself living under one room. I know . . . this all sounds nice. But it's fanciful. I can't live under the same roof as him. It has been proved time and again. Aside from his lack of spacial cleanliness, his (non-diagnosed) narcolepsy and his need for 'intimacy' at all friggin' hours of the day (even when our babies are awake), there is his temper. I can't live with a man who has a temper like his. I can't love a man who has a temper like his. Thinking back on the night I decided to leave makes me want to get up from this computer right now and go find something comforting in the pantry or the fridge. But I won't. I won't. Nope. I won't be a victim anymore. I won't be a doormat. I won't be abused. I won't allow my girls to witness the insanity that was my household ever again. I will not be in love with him (though I will always love him because he is my girl's daddy) and I will not eat because of these things.
I read a blinkie or a glitter graphic or some such thing this afternoon that said,
'If hunger isn't the problem, than food isn't the solution.'
It's so true. 3 weeks ago and all time before that food was my friend and my enemy. It comforted me when I needed comforting for whatever reason I needed it, but then 'went behind my back' and added weight to my body. The added weight caused more issues in various parts of my life and so I returned to food, who in turn comforted me and just as before 'went behind my back' and added more weight to my body. It was a vicious circle. My ex was a huge catalyst of that vicious circle. But no more. Nope, no more.
I've been thinking about how I can reward myself as I meet my goals/milestones. I suppose this is a good place to say what those milestones are. I think I will create a tab later at the top of my blog for people to see my goals and if/when I have met them.
So here they are:
Get under 300lbs. - I'm 8lbs away. I hope to have this goal achieved by Valentines Day. Is that too ambitious?
Get to 250lbs. I haven't been 250lbs since high school.
Get to 199lbs. I don't even remember a time in my life when I saw that number on the scale. The lowest in high school I ever weighed was 203. Why did I let that slip away.
Get to 150lbs. This is my first ULTIMATE GOAL. I want to see if I am satisfied and comfortable with myself at 150lbs. I have been told by many people that underneath the mass of my body that I am probably by genetics a fairly small person. So if I am still not 100% happy at 150 I will be moving on to the next goal.
Get top 130lbs. This is my ULTIMATE ULTIMATE GOAL and is only set in place if I don't look emaciated at 150lbs. Only time will tell.
Anyhoo, I don't have any rewards in mind for any of my goals except my ULTIMATE GOAL of 150lbs. I have decided to get a tattoo. A cute little swirly/or tribal number on my lower back with the small elegant initials of my girl's names. What is the significance of this reward? Vengeance... Okay so it's maybe 2% vengeance and the rest just pure desire. I have always wanted a tattoo. Since I was about 12-13 I wanted a tattoo. I met my
SISTERLY BONDING BY NUMBERS
Aside from the goals stated above, I have one more goal to meet. It sits somewhere between my 2nd to last goal - 199lbs and my last goal (not the 130lbs but the 150lbs)
You see my sister weighs somewhere between 150-160 and I have decided that I want to be able to share clothes with her. Despite the fact that she's a good 3 inches taller than me has no bearing on this. I WILL share clothes with her. She likes my fashion sense anyway and some of her clothes are so stinkin' cute! Anyway, so I have decided that once I am down into the 170's-ish, I am going to have her start weighing with me and on the day that I weigh the EXACT SAME or less than her is the day she and I are going to celebrate. BIG. I don't know what. I don't know how. But it WILL HAPPEN. You hear that Clem. You and me baby, in like, oh I don't know. For my 26th birthday in October you and I are gonna go do somethin' fabulous. Or somewhere around that date because that is close to when I want to be in the 170's range and you get bet your bonnet (only Clem knows what this means) I'll be steppin' up the exercise (unless I'm running marathons by then) to get to her weight.
Does anyone who has a significant amount of weight to lose, like 75lbs or more, worry about what their skin will do/look like when they've lost all their weight? I keep hearing, oh you're young and your skin still has its elasticity but I've had 2 babies and I've been nearly 400lbs. That's huge. (quite literally) and so I'm wondering if when all is said and done if my arms/belly/butt/thighs are going to be just a bunch of hangy chicken flabby flaps or what. I imagine there are exercises I can do to help tone the skin/muscle and try to tighten it up, but what if I can't. Will cardio and mild toning exercises modified at home be enough?
I will leave you with that.
Good Night Sweet Blogging World! Or to some Good Morning!
The Fat Chick