By Clyde Cadiddlehopper
*For the record, Clem Cadiddlehopper is my 16 (almost 17) year old sister.
Clem was born on March 29, 1993 to – my mom and her – stalker. Do you feel as though you are reading this wrong? Well you’re not. Now stop asking telepathic questions and follow along.
Clem entered the world and my life as the only Cadiddlehopper baby ended. Thhhhwwhhhaaack! Cut off clean was my spoiled existence when my mom’s stalker cut the umbilical chord. Or did he? I don’t know. I doubt he could be trusted with scissors, especially medical ones. (They’re sharp)
Clem lived a normal life until some months later when she started to roll over and I allowed her to roll off the couch onto the hard floor of a doctor’s office. Hey! I was only like . . . 8, or 9, or 10. Who can remember? This was probably what started the Sad Chronicles. That fateful day that I let her drop 2 feet to her doom.
When Clem got older she developed the ability to leave planet earth through unconnected neurons in her brain. I take direct credit for this as well, as the crash on the doctor’s office floor probably disconnected the neuron’s that allowed this ability. She always chose to leave her body at the strangest moments; goofing around with her dad, sitting next to the stove with her aunt, and on the swings. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but one minute she was there and the next she wasn’t.
Clem also developed squirrel tendencies as she grew up, leaving trails of breadcrumbs and the like in her wake where ever she went.
Then the aliens from the other planets she visited told her that everything on our planet was wrong and so for every action Clem made, she had to ask our mom if it was okay? Drop some food on the floor. Is it okay to eat it? Are you sure? Will it make me sick? Are you sure? Got dirt on my shirt mom! Get it off! Oh, it’s okay? Are you sure? Shouldn’t I change it? Are you sure? I heard a lot of ‘are you sure?’ I wanted to give her a – anyway . . .
It was decided, unbeknownst to Clem or me as she grew up that she would be exempt from certain activities such as making her own food, cutting her own food etc.
To this day she is still forbidden from using sharp cutlery, drinking out of glass cups and sporks. Sporks are a no-no.
Clem lives a full life, during the wee hours of the night and sleeps until mid-day.
That is if you consider mid-day two o’clock PM. She spends her time planning to take over the world through technological mediums such as the internet, cellular phones and television. She has constructed her own food pyramid with 3 major food groups. Diet coke, gum and chocolate. Everything else is superfluous except for the one thing she will leave the house for, 3 crunchy supreme tacos from
Will she be able to do it? With no sharp objects, not even sporks? Will she be able to DO IT? Stay tuned to find out . . .