Tuesday, February 9, 2010

BATTY UNLEASHED, A CASE OF DISH FURY & A BOLD JUMPING SPIDER AMBUSH






BATTY UNLEASHED WITHIN ME

It has been brought to my knowledge (by me) that I am no longer able to communicate through speech. I don't know why but it seems that somehow between my first pregnancy and now the receptors connecting my vocal chords to my brain were either severed or somehow tampered with. It seems simple enough really. You know. To be able to construct a mental thought and allow it to evolve into words that form on your tongue and are expelled from your mouth via the sound of your voice box. Well, it isn't so simple for me. I lisp, I stutter, and I say things that sound absolutely absurd without being able to stop myself, all the while knowing perfectly well that I am lisping or stuttering or saying something completely crazy.

For example, today my sister was looking through our living room window for a spider (said spider will be explained later) I meant to tell her to look high and look low and side to side. Instead I said, "look upon, look low and side to side." What?! Look upon? What?!?!?!

No wonder Buzzy doesn't take me seriously when I am disciplining her. She can't understand what the HELL I'm talking about. So can I blame her for not following directions or listening to me when I say something? I guess not. I'm a complete retard.

Shut up Courtney! <--- That is my sister and she reads this blog and I know she's agreeing whole heartedly with my aforementioned retardedness.




A CASE OF DISH FURY




** Just a WARNING** This is a rant. If you are not in the mood to be bitched ranted at scroll down for the next segment.


Tonight is Tuesday. Tuesdays are NOT nights that we usually eat with the grandfolks. However, since my mom has escaped been gone to California and my sister and I could burn the house down with our attempts at cooking are not exceptional cooks my grandma decided to take pity upon us and cook. Um, yeah. Let me just say here, that I did not know she was cooking here until she came to cook and also, I wasn't going to partake in her HIGH CALORIE cooking.

Onward: My sister and I have a dish system that makes for very little work throughout the day regarding dishes. In the morning, I wash ALL the dishes from the day before. If there are enough to fill the dishwasher, I fill it. If there aren't I let them stack up until there are and then fill it, turn it on and VOILA clean dishes. Then when she wakes up she puts the dishes from the dishwasher away and VOILA, our quaint little system.

Well, as my grandma is cooking she decides to start putting the dishes (that barely fill a quarter of the dishwasher) in the dishwasher. I say,

"Gramma, we have a method. Please don't put the dishes in the dishwasher."

My gramma responds with,

"I have to. They're in my way."

Let me say now that they were nowhere in her way. She wasn't utilizing the sink at all, let alone the portion that they filled. So she continued to load the dishwasher. Again I requested,

"Gramma, we have a system and you're ruining it. Can you just leave the dishes alone."

She ignored me. The back and forth bickering ensued and soon I was so furious I could barely see straight and she just continued on her merry little way because she was gonna do what she wanted to do regardless.

Mind you, another reason my sister and I have this method is so that there is no confusion about whether the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty. If there are dishes in there it means they're clean. If not, they've been put away or there aren't enough for a load yet.

Apparently my grandma did not get this, nor did she care, nor did she listen. Thus making more work for me and my sister, because then I either have to take the dishes out to acquire a more substantial load or my sister has to remember that the dishes in the dishwasher aren't clean. Remember, if they're in there, they're SUPPOSED to be clean DAMMIT!!!!!

Then as if that isn't enough, after dinner my grandma gets up and leaves, leaving all the dishes EVERYONE ELSE USED for me to wash. Yeah, thanks. Great! That just added fuel to the fire.

Now, I know I probably sound like a spoiled little girl, whining about something completely trivial. I too, would see it that way except for one small thing. It isn't so much what she did. I can live with that. It's that I specifically asked her not to and she ignored me. Is it because it's my mom's house and not mine? Is it because she respects me less than my aunt and my mom, cuz GOD KNOWS if they asked her not to do something in THEIR house she wouldn't. It just comes down to the fact that she isn't old enough (61) to be as crotchety and rebellious and antagonistic as she is.

I feel better, getting that off my chest though. Thanks if you read. LOL

A BOLD JUMPING SPIDER AMBUSH

Today, when I got home from letting my ex spend some time with our girls my sister was in the living room, staring pointedly out the window. This may not sound odd to you but my sister doesn't come out of her room except to get food, pee, and in the wee hours of the night/morning to watch TV or Wii. So, I found it odd that she was just sitting there, staring out the window.

Then she said the magic word.



SPIDER



And the whole world stopped spinning. Ours of course. She said something to the effect that there was a huge spider on the inside of the screen but trapped behind the glass and she didn't know what to do. Could it get in? Should we kill it?


This was our enemy (photo stolen borrowed from GOOGLE as I didn't want to enrage the arachnid by going all paparazzi on its assfurry black and yellow behind.





So, after we squirmed and squeamed a bit and tried for several minutes to decide if he could get inside from where he was (we never really concluded if we thought he could or couldn't)we started planning HIS DEATH!

We debated long and hard, ultimately deciding against hairspray, Windex and the wimpy fly swatter. Those were no match for this BEAST! Our plan of attack would have to include drastic measures. Fire canons, light sabers, steak knives, a vacuum, a large shoe, a garbage disposal and a toilet.

After setting the bastard disgusting creepy crawly spider on fire and charring it to bits we would use light sabers to go all Kung Foo on his ass spotted little behind chopping him into aracnasushi. Hayyyyeeeeeahhhhh!!! Then when he has been chopped to bits we will scoop up his carcass remains on the light saber and carry him to the garbage disposal where we will dump him into its dark depth and without any mercy we shall flip the switch. GRIND SPUTTER SPUTTER GRIND GRIND Using the steak knives we will then gnash up anything that might have remained and turn the disposal on ONE MORE TIME for good measure. Then, using the vacuum we will extract the carcass corpse chopped up mess remains, shoot them out and stomp on them with a good solid soled shoe. Then for the last step. Just to make sure the sucker doesn't come back to life we have defeated the enemy we will suck him back up into the vacuum and expel him into the toilet, where after suffocating any possible last breath he may have with mounds of toilet paper, we will flush him out to the sewer. And JUST TO MAKE SURE he doesn't get any BOLD ideas about crawling back up the drains to revisit us and TAKE HIS REVENGE on our unsuspecting innocent, we will call a plumber to make sure all pipes are clean and clear of the NEMESIS we call THE BOLD JUMPING SPIDER.

CALORIE FOOD LOG

Did well today. 1310
But no exercise. In fact exercise (other than running after my child) has been non-existent. ((sigh)) As long as the poundage keeps on-a-disappearing I suppose I will forgive myself

The Fat Chick

3 comments :

  1. Poor spidey! You're pretty funny!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Put the exercise back in, it will raise your resting metabolism, that will burn more calories around the clock. And keep you from becoming week.

    Secretia

    ReplyDelete
  3. I absolutely loved this blog! I have a 66 year old grandma exactly like that... Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete

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