I wasn't going to post tonight because as I mentioned earlier, I wanted to get started on my 2nd book, and I will. In a moment. I needed to explain something that happened today. Something that I have never eaten well long enough to have to endure.
Now, most people think, well what is the toughest thing you can endure besides not being able to eat what you want and as much as you want? What is tougher than enduring the sugar and salt cravings and the chocolate withdrawal headaches?
I'll tell you.
I don't know if this happens to everyone but for someone who used to eat emotionally, like me, I am thinking it probably will sometime in their journey to lose weight, eat well and be healthy. Now, not all people have children either, but my emotional distress manifested itself directly at my children.
If you haven't read previous posts you wouldn't know that Breezely (my 6 month old) is sick with brochialitis. New news on the baby front is that now Buzzy (my 20 month old) is now getting sick as well. So, needless to say last night was no fun, between one baby unable to breathe, wheezing, hacking, coughing and every ten seconds spitting out her binky and the other waking because her nose is draining into her throat (choking her), or because she has a low grade fever and is cold or because she simply hears her baby sister coughing and it is interrupting her sleep. . . well, let's just say Mama had a rough night.
This morning it did not get better. Upon waking (AT 6AM) my oldest informed me she had poopies. Now normally I would change her and lay back down. She would play or watch Dora and Breezely and I would continue our peaceful slumber. Not this morning. No, this morning I was not allowed to lay back down. My attempt at a bit of rest was answered with tortured sobs, frustrated wails and rebellious screams.
It didn't go better as the hours of the morning passed. Buzzy would scream and holler and throw a monstrous temper tantrum for every 'no', every 'please pick up your toy', or 'please say sorry for hitting your sister', or 'don't touch that please'. There was no winning. She rebelliously extracted every diaper wipe from it's plastic container, not only strewing them about the room but making the carpet sopping wet.
At 8AM I texted my mom. My text said,
'I NEED A BREAK. I'M GOING INSANE'
Now, this all may seem comical but in reality it was the catalyst to what later would be my massive meltdown. Going through the gory details of the rest of the day would be pointless except to those who take pleasure in other's misery and I don't wish to relive the events so I won't write them. But by this evening I wanted to pull my hair out of my head. All I could do was sit and stare at the wall while Buzzy screamed and hollered (for what reason I still don't know) At that moment I didn't care why she was screaming. I didn't care if I fixed it. I knew she wasn't hurt. I knew she didn't need a diaper change and I knew she wasn't hungry. And so I sat and stared. I was sad, frustrated, depressed and tired.
You may wonder what this has to do with eating well, getting healthy etc. Well, this is where I'll tell you. You see, before I began this journey I ALWAYS had food to turn to. No matter how monotonous or boring or frustrating or even depressing life got, I always had food to turn to, to comfort me. In the situations of today I would have dealt with the screaming baby and turned to a gallon of ice cream once she was content. Partially in celebration of fixing her, and partially to comfort myself. To reward myself. I simply don't turn to food now. I simply don't reward myself or celebrate with food now nor do I allow myself to drown my emotions in it and today my emotions did not know how to react to not being placated by food. So, I think I momentarily went numb.
This may sound bad but I think it's actually good. Soon, I will be able to realize my emotions and express them well without turning to food, or expecting food to fix them. Soon, food will not rule my life. Already, I have changed my habits and in the words of ETL of Eat to Live in 2010 I am now eating to live and not living to eat. THANK GOD!
The Fat Chick