A NEW day.
A FRESH start.
Not at all.
And not because today was St. Patrick's Day. I'd like to say I consciously planned today as a high calorie day. But I didn't.
Tomorrow I will eat low to make up for today.
Not because I ate so much or because I went over calories.
But because I allowed the insecure, fat girl who enjoys punishing and rewarding herself with food to take over me.
For the first time in 3 months.
I ate at Ihop this morning.
I had 2 eggs over medium, hashbrowns, one piece bacon and one sausage link + the 2 slices of wheat bread and one little packet of strawberry jam.
I then proceeded to eat 2 servings worth of Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate for lunch.
Then because the fat chick within knows something salty must ALWAYS follow something sweet, I ate 2 servings of salt N vinegar pop chips.
Then because salty follows sweet and vice versa, I shared a lemon Popsicle with Buzzy.
Then because that wasn't really very sweet I ate a Pocky.
Then a kosher baby dill pickle and even though those are 0 calories, the fat chick had already overthrown my mentality and I was suddenly very out of control.
I felt bloated, stuffed, sick.
I felt fat.
I haven't felt fat since I got under 300lbs and my pants fell off me.
Reality's a bitch.
I AM STILL FAT.
I STILL HAVE A LOT OF WEIGHT TO LOSE.
Unfortunately this thought didn't occur to me until I sat down to write this post.
Buzzy has been sick.
I have been stressed.
Tonight she threw up all over me.
I was disgusted and again, felt useless. Out of control.
I sought comfort with food.
First, 2 TBSP peanut butter.
Then a bit more with a honey topper.
I chased that with a handful of white cheddar goldfish.
And a Samoa girl scout cookie followed, washed down by a swig of WHOLE milk.
This all followed dinner. The traditional St. Patrick's Day meal of corned beef and cabbage. I didn't overdo it on that and it was all boiled, no added salts or oils. So that was good, but then I had a few Nilla Wafers and a glass of non-fat milk.
All in all, I feel like a tub-o-lard.
When I was little, like 10 and younger (when my great grandma was still alive) she used to call me her little tub-o-lard. I never associated it with anything derogatory. Nor do I think she said it as a derogatory name. I'm not sure, now as an adult though, how I feel about that name. The picture it insinuates makes me very uncomfortable.
Back to the present.
I am fully aware that the day after tomorrow is weigh in day.
I am even more fully aware that I am currently incapable of doing exercise to counteract the affects of my binge eating.
Tomorrow will be new, fresh and I will eat well.
THIS BATTLE ISN'T OVER YET.
I WILL PUSH FORWARD.
I WILL BREAK BAD HABITS.
I WILL NOT LET FOOD CONTROL ME.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
I WILL WIN.
To defeating our inner demons that allow food to control us.
The Fat Chick