Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I STILL HAVE TOMORROW

Tomorrow starts in less than 45 minutes.

A NEW day.

A FRESH start.

I ate like shit didn't do well eating today.

Not at all.

And not because today was St. Patrick's Day. I'd like to say I consciously planned today as a high calorie day. But I didn't.

Tomorrow I will eat low to make up for today.

I'm disappointed.

In myself.

Not because I ate so much or because I went over calories.

But because I allowed the insecure, fat girl who enjoys punishing and rewarding herself with food to take over me.

For the first time in 3 months.

I ate at Ihop this morning.

I had 2 eggs over medium, hashbrowns, one piece bacon and one sausage link + the 2 slices of wheat bread and one little packet of strawberry jam.

I then proceeded to eat 2 servings worth of Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate for lunch.

Then because the fat chick within knows something salty must ALWAYS follow something sweet, I ate 2 servings of salt N vinegar pop chips.

Then because salty follows sweet and vice versa, I shared a lemon Popsicle with Buzzy.

Then because that wasn't really very sweet I ate a Pocky.

Then a kosher baby dill pickle and even though those are 0 calories, the fat chick had already overthrown my mentality and I was suddenly very out of control.

I felt bloated, stuffed, sick.

I felt fat.

I haven't felt fat since I got under 300lbs and my pants fell off me.

Reality's a bitch.

I AM STILL FAT.

I STILL HAVE A LOT OF WEIGHT TO LOSE.

Unfortunately this thought didn't occur to me until I sat down to write this post.

Buzzy has been sick.

I have been stressed.

Tonight she threw up all over me.

I was disgusted and again, felt useless. Out of control.

I sought comfort with food.

First, 2 TBSP peanut butter.

Then a bit more with a honey topper.

I chased that with a handful of white cheddar goldfish.

And a Samoa girl scout cookie followed, washed down by a swig of WHOLE milk.

This all followed dinner. The traditional St. Patrick's Day meal of corned beef and cabbage. I didn't overdo it on that and it was all boiled, no added salts or oils. So that was good, but then I had a few Nilla Wafers and a glass of non-fat milk.

All in all, I feel like a tub-o-lard.

Funny.

When I was little, like 10 and younger (when my great grandma was still alive) she used to call me her little tub-o-lard. I never associated it with anything derogatory. Nor do I think she said it as a derogatory name. I'm not sure, now as an adult though, how I feel about that name. The picture it insinuates makes me very uncomfortable.

Back to the present.

I am fully aware that the day after tomorrow is weigh in day.
I am even more fully aware that I am currently incapable of doing exercise to counteract the affects of my binge eating.

Tomorrow will be new, fresh and I will eat well.

THIS BATTLE ISN'T OVER YET.

I WILL PUSH FORWARD.

I WILL BREAK BAD HABITS.

I WILL NOT LET FOOD CONTROL ME.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
I WILL WIN.

To defeating our inner demons that allow food to control us.
((CHEERS))

The Fat Chick

3 comments :

  1. Oh sweetie its okay.! Your doing great and one bad day will not destroy your journey over time. You have come so far its amazing! I know when TANKZILLA or Dilla get sick its so horrible and sometimes they are so listless and I feel so help less and food seems to whisper to me. and i eat and eat and make myself full till I am sick of myself. Cheers to you not letting your inner fat girl take over!

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  2. I know how it feels to have the war waging within...the fat self and the thin self. It's a struggle. I am so close to goal I can almost touch it, and still the fat girl lurks. It's good to be upset with yourself, but don't forget, none of us are perfect, we all have our moments or our days.

    My thin self says you really weren't all that bad but my fat self can't understand how you could eat at IHop's and not have any pancakes drenched in butter and maple syrup!

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  3. YOU WILL WIN!

    I am constantly amazed at all you accomplish - between the little ones & your pain issues - you are inspiring.

    I am the same way with salty & sweet. Sometimes I allow myself one of each & then force myself to drink a glass of water to break the cycle.

    Here's to a new day! You can do it! :)

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