Wednesday, March 3, 2010

STRESS and a CONFESSION

Warning: This post will probably not be funny, or witty or fun to read. I am feeling really low as I am about to write this so you can expect whining, ranting, complaining, bitching, moaning, groaning and the like. If you're up for it, read on. If you're looking for a happy-go-lucky post, I suggest you move to a different blog or come back to this one at a different time.



You've been warned.



I'm stressed. No, I think stressed is too understated of a word. I am monumentally overwhelmed. I don't know what to do or where to go or how to proceed.



If you don't know, I am currently separated from my husband. He sees our girls when he wants to but really doesn't have any solid bonds or responsibility or obligation toward or with them. He sees them, plays with them, loves them and gives them back to me. No, he doesn't really 'give them back', because he's never alone with them. It's more like he sees them while I stand by, he plays with them while I watch, he loves one while I hold the other and then vice versa and then he leaves. In the process of all of this small incidents happen such as tonight that I can't fix and the repercussions are solely mine to deal with. These incidents include my (ex) giving Buzzy things she shouldn't have in the first place. (ie expensive sunglasses that she promptly pulls apart, keys, money etc) Then when she becomes destructive as with the sunglasses he yanks them away. Now, I at home am trying to teach her that we don't grab. Counterproductive.







Break - I'm going to stop here. I have never stopped in the middle of a post meant for one particular topic and changed it. But that is what I am doing now. Why? Because the main stress has gone. I am now just exhausted and all I want to do is cry. That's my outlet for most of my emotions. I cry. Happiness, I cry. Sadness, I cry. Anger, I cry. Frustration, jealousy, fear, I cry for them all.



CONFESSION

I thought I would do really well today. For breakfast I had my coffee with cream, a 100 cal thin sandwich bread with peanut butter. The total was 330 cals. I knew my (ex) husband would be making something for us to eat and I had specifically asked for soup because my throat had been hurting and I thought soup would be low cal, especially his Mexican stew. Here is what it has in it:



Anyway, I calculated that it was about 280 cals per bowl. I had 2 bowls for lunch and 2 for dinner. But that's not where my problems lay. My problems lay in the 6 corn tortillas and 8 (yes, unfortunately you read correctly) pieces of bread (2 for each bowl) What did this add up to? Well, the tortillas were 2 for 100 cals. That's 300 cals. Each piece of bread was 100 cals. That's 800 cals (HOLY MOTHER F----) and 4 bowls of soup was 1120 cals. With breakfast included that put my daily calories at 2550. Ummm . . . I am very disappointed in myself. To allow myself to do that. To get as full as I did. To binge. I'm ashamed. Truly ashamed. And with that I have nothing more to say until tomorrow. Goodnight.


THE FAT CHICK

3 comments :

  1. My best friend is going through a situation similar to yours. After watching what it has done to her daughter & the stress it has caused her, I have great empathy & respect for anyone who can cope without losing their mind. Reading your posts for the last couple weeks, I think you are doing an amazing job being there for your kids & taking care of yourself too.

    As for your eating today... its over & done. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. You will do great! :)

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  2. we all stress. we all binge. it's nothing to be ashamed of girl. breathe, and don't let one bad day derail the work you've done.

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  3. I know this sounds insane but why don't you go out for a walk while he is with the kids or just go in your room and havs some YOU time. He is there for the kids. Eventually they will be spening time with them alone. It seems to me your causing more stress by watching. When me and XAH were going through this I watched and occasionally helped at first, taking Tank so Dilla and XAH can play. But It was really stressing me more. So I started going in my room. Cleaning out my closets, writing, listenening to my ipod attempting sit ups. But it realy was less stressful...just a thought...

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