You've been warned.
I'm stressed. No, I think stressed is too understated of a word. I am monumentally overwhelmed. I don't know what to do or where to go or how to proceed.
If you don't know, I am currently separated from my husband. He sees our girls when he wants to but really doesn't have any solid bonds or responsibility or obligation toward or with them. He sees them, plays with them, loves them and gives them back to me. No, he doesn't really 'give them back', because he's never alone with them. It's more like he sees them while I stand by, he plays with them while I watch, he loves one while I hold the other and then vice versa and then he leaves. In the process of all of this small incidents happen such as tonight that I can't fix and the repercussions are solely mine to deal with. These incidents include my (ex) giving Buzzy things she shouldn't have in the first place. (ie expensive sunglasses that she promptly pulls apart, keys, money etc) Then when she becomes destructive as with the sunglasses he yanks them away. Now, I at home am trying to teach her that we don't grab. Counterproductive.
Break - I'm going to stop here. I have never stopped in the middle of a post meant for one particular topic and changed it. But that is what I am doing now. Why? Because the main stress has gone. I am now just exhausted and all I want to do is cry. That's my outlet for most of my emotions. I cry. Happiness, I cry. Sadness, I cry. Anger, I cry. Frustration, jealousy, fear, I cry for them all.
I thought I would do really well today. For breakfast I had my coffee with cream, a 100 cal thin sandwich bread with peanut butter. The total was 330 cals. I knew my (ex) husband would be making something for us to eat and I had specifically asked for soup because my throat had been hurting and I thought soup would be low cal, especially his Mexican stew. Here is what it has in it:
Anyway, I calculated that it was about 280 cals per bowl. I had 2 bowls for lunch and 2 for dinner. But that's not where my problems lay. My problems lay in the 6 corn tortillas and 8 (yes, unfortunately you read correctly) pieces of bread (2 for each bowl) What did this add up to? Well, the tortillas were 2 for 100 cals. That's 300 cals. Each piece of bread was 100 cals. That's 800 cals (HOLY MOTHER F----) and 4 bowls of soup was 1120 cals. With breakfast included that put my daily calories at 2550. Ummm . . . I am very disappointed in myself. To allow myself to do that. To get as full as I did. To binge. I'm ashamed. Truly ashamed. And with that I have nothing more to say until tomorrow. Goodnight.
THE FAT CHICK