This post is in response to a fellow blogger's post. It is a direct response to her but will also allow a little more insight into my beliefs, something I don't usually write too openly about.
I read your post today and I felt compelled to write to you but what I wanted to write filled up too much space to write it in your comments section and so I've decided to put it here. You asked several questions in the post and whether you meant them rhetorically or not, I am going to answer them anyway. I hope you don't mind.
'Was it so out of the realm of possibility to believe that God might, just this once, cut us a break?'
My answer to that is, unfortunately, life is meant to be hard. To go back to Genesis in the bible when Adam and Eve ate that fruit it cursed humanity to suffer and suffer greatly. There are no breaks to cut and no relief other than believing in Him and knowing that He IS there for us. (I know... this is all cliche and things you've heard before... but sometimes the most cliche things are true)
'People tell me if God intends for me to have a baby, then I will. What am I supposed to do with that?'
'People' are right. God has a plan for you and while every person on the face of this earth (myself included) can hope and pray and cross our fingers and believe in karma etc. that that plan will include a beautiful healthy child for you, that doesn't mean that it will be so. God says to follow him, listen to what he tells you. He won't yell. He whispers and sometimes we don't want to hear or are so wrapped up in what we think we need we actually block his voice out completely.
Many time you asked, 'Does God Intend . . .' with some traumatic incident following.
My answer to that is God NEVER intends for traumatic, horrific things to happen in our lives. Our world is a sinful one and with sin comes pain and trauma and horrible actions with horrible consequences. But he doesn't intend for them to occur. He allows them. He doesn't stop them but he doesn't intend for them to happen. He USES them as lessons/challenges/tests. You asked about these tests and how after you returned to the church how he could test you in such a way. God never ceases to test us. He wants our faith, our belief, our love, our hopes, our dreams all in Him. And remember, with the loss of your precious baby as well as the problems with fertility you are having it is not ONLY a test for you but for others as well. Your husband and anyone else who it may affect.
'Am I to believe that the God I loved so deeply would be standing above, loading his shovel against me?'
God is not against you. I often wonder if I am trying too hard to succeed at something when doors and windows keep shutting. It is then and there that one must stop and ask God if what one is trying to succeed at is what God wants us to succeed at. If losing weight right now is not in HIS plan for me, it will be difficult and wrought with pain and suffering because it isn't HIS WILL. The same goes for anything we do as humans. If it is not God's will it will be very very difficult to achieve and when it isn't difficult, it will quickly be known after the success that it was wrong. My marriage is a HUGE EXAMPLE. I wanted so badly to change my husband. God kept trying to tell me. HE ISN'T THE ONE FOR YOU. STOP TRYING SO HARD. But I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it at that moment! He made it difficult to begin with. I stormed through the difficulties and ignored everything he tried to tell me. Then when I went to Mexico he allowed things to be easy. We reap what we sew. I ignored God and every warning he flashed in front of my face. I even lost our first baby because he was trying to tell me that I WASN'T FOLLOWING HIM. Now here I am and I am suffering.
Have you asked yourself THAT question? We all know that it is the desire of YOUR heart to have a baby. But have you ever wondered if that isn't in God's plan for you? Have you ever wondered if he has something better for you? And you may be completely ignoring his signs and turning Him and whatever he has to offer away?
Mind you, no one can ever know exactly another's pain. I understand what it is to feel despair and I am certain that the words I have written in this post are probably not the sweetest or the most sugar coated or the most sympathetic and I apologize. I just wanted to answer your questions from my point of view. I hope you take no offense as my opinion is JUST THAT. An opinion.
The Fat Chick