Tuesday, April 27, 2010

INTERNAL WARFARE





Which actually translates to:














This evening Buzzy slept until 5:20PM. We had to leave by 5:30PM to get to her gymnastics class on time. I asked her if she wanted to eat and she said no. I left it at that as, working out even at a toddler level on a full belly isn't healthy. After her class she was famished and kept saying "Mama, Buzzy hungry." Break my heart!! So, I asked her if she wanted some chicken nuggets and french fries and what 2 year old is gonna say no? So, we drove to McDonalds and immediately the conflict with myself within myself started.



"You will eat nothing. Not a bite, not a nibble, not anything. You have done far too well today." Obviously the dominant voice in my head being I point a finger at myself and shake it emphatically.



"But maybe you can eat just 1 french fry." The submissive but ever so persuasive voice in my head. "Just one. What harm could that do?"





"NO! You have eaten most of your allotted calories today and you know that if you eat JUST ONE you will eat JUST THE WHOLE BAG!"



"Okay, then just one nugget. I mean there are 4. Buzzy barely eats more than 1. Surely, she can spare just one to her mom. Don't you feel your stomach starting to grumble?"





"No! You are not hungry. You will take not one bite! NOT ONE!"





I arrive at the intercom where you order and decide then and there that in order to keep myself away from the nuggets and the fries I will get a medium 90 cal no sugar iced coffee. I order the kids meal and the coffee and pay. As soon as the girl gives me my coffee and the bag of food the fat greasy smell of fries and nuggets wafts into my nose.



"BE STRONG!" My dominant voice bellows. "YOU DON'T WANT IT AND IT SMELLS BETTER THAN IT TASTES ANYWAY and besides," the voice is getting harder to hear. "you bought yourself an iced coffee just for the purpose of not eating Buzzy's food."











"But doesn't it just smell divine?" My persuasive (evil) voice chimes in. "One fry won't make or break you. Come on."




"DRINK YOUR DAMN ICE COFFEE!"




"Just one fry."





"Mama, Buzzy hungry!"






Oops, in focusing so greatly on my internal battle I forgot to give her her nugget. I hand it to her and she gingerly nibbles on it. I watch her in my rear view mirror and laugh to myself that if it had been me, the whole nugget would be nothing but a memory because I would have stuck the whole thing in my mouth.




"Look," My persuasive voice whispers. "the bag is sitting right there. Buzzy won't notice. In fact, if she does she'd probably be happy to be sharing with mommy. Afterall you always tell her sharing is the nice thing to do. Come on Mommy, SHARE!"




"NO, YOU'VE DONE TOO WELL!"




"ONE BITE WON'T HURT."




"YOU'LL BE SO UPSET WITH YOURSELF!"




"ONE BITE WON'T HURT."




"Mama, Buzzy has soda?"




I am ripped out of my traumatic self-argument and ask Buzzy to see her nugget. She has about 1/3 of it left.




"Eat the rest of your nugget and when we get home, mommy will give you some soda."




"NO!"




Buzzy proceeds to chuck the nugget at the back of my head. It hits the headrest of my seat and falls to her feet on the floor.




Now, if she had chucked broccoli, papaya, a pineapple, or even a watermelon at my head I probably would have reacted better than her chucking the one thing I was trying to convince myself not to eat at me.




"Buzzy! You will eat more chicken or you will have no soda."



"No soda, mama."




How simple it is for her to give up what she wants because she doesn't want to eat anymore. While I am trying to distract myself from reaching behind my seat to rummage around on the floor to find the discarded nugget and save it . . . safely in my belly.




"Mama, Buzzy has soda?"




"Only if you eat more chicken." My teeth are gritted. The fry smell is overwhelming. My knuckles are white on the steering wheel.




"More chicken mama."




I swallow hard and reach into the bag of evil food and fish out another chicken nugget and nearly throw it into her lap so I don't eat my hand in the process of shoving the nugget down my own throat. Again, she proceeds to nibble it.




Then a new argument begins in my head.




"How disappointed would the people who read your blog be if you allowed yourself to cave to this temptation? You have been on this journey for 4 months. You know better!" My dominant voice is more calm now. It has taken complete control of the situation.




"But it's a juicier story if you do cave. It shows you aren't perfect. It shows you don't always do well." My persuasive voice tries to change my mind.




"No, if you can't stop putting food in your face for yourself than you at least have to do it for the people looking for motivation. You at least have to give that much effort."



"But you already give so much. To your family. To your girls. Why do you need to prove yourself to anyone else? One fry won't make you a bad person."




"No, one fry will prove you are weak and you're not. You have become strong."




My persuasive voice did not answer. The smell of the fries and nuggets somehow no longer tempted me. I sipped my iced coffee while Buzzy munched on her nugget and when she requested fries I was not even tempted to lick the salt off my fingers after handing them to her. What does this mean? I suppose this means I have conquered a temptation. I have proven I have strength and I value my health more than instant gratification. I guess I now know that by tasting/sampling/nibbling/taking just one bite/or eating just one will get my here.





I know that I will probably never live a day of my life where some kind of internal battle doesn't arise when confronted with food temptation but as long as I know I am able to conquer it, I'm okay with that. I am human. I am imperfect. I have my vices. The things that (try to) control me and the things that I will at times allow to do so. But knowing I am able to say no thank you, and push the nuggets/fries/cake/candy/burger/whatever away (even if it is preceded by world war III inside my head) then I have won one of the biggest wars of all.









So, to wrap up this post, I thought I would give you a sneak peak of side by side side-shot photos of me. I don't see much difference between the last photos and tonight's except maybe my boobs stick out slightly further from my belly than before but regardless, I am very proud of myself. So very proud.







Also, I ended the day having eaten 1345 calories. WAH-FRIGGIN-HOO!!





5 comments :

  1. I will be here to cheer you on also and sad to say i love McDonalds and grew up eating it at least 5 times a week if not more breakfast and lunch.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There is a tremendous difference in the photos. Do you take your measurements? The photos do show great progress. Keep it up!

    And congratulations on beating McDonalds down! You rock!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Read this article...

    http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/45380/4-shocking-secrets-about-fast-food/

    If you REALLY know what is in those chicken McNuggets, you wouldn't want them, and you also wouldn't want to feed them you your babies. Gross.

    My son LOVES McNuggets, but I won't feed them to him anymore - no matter how convenient the drive-thru is and no matter how much he begs.

    Your pictures look GREAT!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I definitely see the difference in your pictures, you are doing a great job. And SO proud of you for not eating that nugget or a fry, I do not know if I would have had the same willpower! So GOOD JOB!! Isn't it crazy the conversations we have with ourselves in our heads??

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  5. I so see a difference! ou look so amazing momma! You have done it so well!

    ReplyDelete

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