Saturday, April 3, 2010

SERIOUSLY SERIOUS ABOUT LOSING THIS WEIGHT, SERIOUSLY

There are truly no words to describe how I feel right now but that isn't going to stop me from trying to express myself. Today has been a BADDD day. In many ways. Both of my daughters, my grandfather, my mom and my uncle ALL woke up vomiting and with diarrhea. Then I find out extended family has this bug also and Easter has basically been called off.

Now, unless you too are a single mom of babies (not kids but babies) living in the Pacific Northwest you may not truly understand JUST how detrimental the idea of canceling Easter is to me. You see, I don't get out. Yes, I go to the store, I go to the mall, I go visit my (ex) husband when he feels like seeing the girls but there is never EVER anything exciting. No movies, no concerts, no dates, no girls nights, nothing like that. I can't just go pamper myself whenever I want because besides lack of funds I have two screaming meme-ies hanging off of me 24/7. I haven't slept through the night in 2.5 years and so as you can imagine when Christmas, or in this case Easter or ANY FUN HOLIDAY rolls around I VERY MUCH LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

So today when I found out Easter was cancelled, my little heart shattered into a thousand sharp little pieces. And those sharp little pieces cut holes that allowed for old habits, old emotions, old guilt, old resentments, old pain and old sadness to creep in.

And my old self said 'screw this'... 'EAT!'

So, while my girls rested, nursed their pedia-lyte and played when they felt enough energy to do so I ate. And ate. I tried to nurse my own sadness and my own pain. I tried to numb it with food. Horrible horrible foods that I haven't eaten in months.

** And as I write this tears are running down my face. I have goosebumps and I'm so confused. Half because of what I did to myself and half BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK THIS TIME!!**

I didn't expect that. I always knew that I shouldn't medicate my emotions with food. I always knew it was wrong. But I felt some kind of morbid comfort in knowing that the food was there if I needed it.

TODAY I WAS PROVED WRONG.

The food isn't there to make me feel better anymore. It doesn't numb me anymore. In fact it makes me feel 100% worse than I was already feeling. With each unnecessary bite of fatty, greasy, nutrition-less food I felt worse and worse until I was so full I thought I would quite literally explode. I ate and ate anticipating that full content feeling. The feeling of instant gratification. But it never came. I ate until I felt so fat, and so worthless I wanted to go sit in the corner and sob. I wanted to throw a Buzzy-like tantrum of mass proportions and scream and throw myself on the floor flailing my fists and stomping my feet. I wanted to pick up something and throw it as hard as I could across the room. I wanted to hit something. But I didn't.

No, instead I sat in my chair and pedaled on my 'bike'. And cried. And pedaled. I hid my tears well, I think when people would walk into the room. No one asked what was wrong. They always do when they see I've been crying. So I just pedaled and pedaled. Even when Buzzy fell asleep across my ever bouncing legs I kept pedaling. I pedaled for one hours and while it didn't touch the mass calories I ingested today, the exercise felt good. I felt better. A bit renewed and less worthless. Less slobbish. Less disgusting and less disgusted with myself.

I was GOING to write another kind of Easter post but I feel this is what I need to write about now. Hang in there with me, especially those of you who aren't particularly religious. This has a message for everyone (and not the preachy kind).

Tomorrow, we celebrate Jesus Christ rising from his tomb and going back to Heaven. A lot of people believe Easter is the day he died. That is actually Friday - Good Friday. Okay, sorry that was a minor tangent. In any case we celebrate his rising tomorrow. He died for us, he paid for our sins. He rose to be with His Father and He holds an eternal place for us in Heaven.

I personally think that's pretty frickin' cool!

When Jesus appeared to the 11 apostles, Thomas (doubting Thomas) didn't believe that it was really Jesus, at which point Jesus offered to let Thomas touch his wounds and see for himself that what he said was true. It is after this that Jesus says, 'blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed'.

And so today, and tomorrow I choose to believe. In Him, of course. That goes without saying. Without Jesus my life has no purpose.

But I also choose to believe in myself. To believe with blind faith that I CAN do this. I CAN succeed. I have never done it before. I know not what the end results will yield but I WILL DO IT anyway.

And so I have set up a list of exercises to follow in addition to my 1500 cal/per day regimen.
- Whenever I can I will bike - Generally leads to at least 30 minutes of cardio a day
- Island pushups - Cuz I still can't do regular ones so I stand at an angle and lean into my kitchen island
- Jumping Jacks - As many as I can without hurting my feet
- Leg lifts - Must tone the buttocks
- Squats - As many as I can
- Try and get in some walking - without completely ruining my feet
- Situps - As many as I can

On one last note, I'd like to wish all the participants of the Ugly Cupcake Society Challenge good luck again. May your Easter's be full of a lot of love, fellowship and celebration and not so much sugar and candy.

Happy Easter EVERYONE!

The Fat Chick

6 comments :

  1. Oh girl you are having it rough (((HUGS))) I hope it all gets better. My weekend has been much the same way both of my babies are sick (fever, throwing up)Easter got cancled for us too except when I felt like throwing something I did and now Im without a cell phone. Lesson: When your mad dont throw a $300 cell phone!

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  2. I want to hug you and make you feel better.
    Thank goodness you realize all that happened and you know it doesn't have to keep happening. I'll pray for your willpower. Hope you and the family all feel better.

    Secretia

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  3. These bumps happen, believe me, I've been there too. We just have to learn a way to get through things without turning to food (easier said than done). If it makes you feel any better, I'm all alone today too, dogsitting, while the rest of my family is on vacation in Florida!

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  4. Well, then I think Easter needs to be done over. Just postpone it instead of doing a total cancellation. You don't have to have a holiday as an excuse the get the gang together. Just wait for the puke to dry up :-)

    I am sorry that today was tough, but am glad that you had one more Aha moment that made you stronger. Happy Easter. He is risen, Indeed!

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

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  5. Awww I am so sorry you are feeling this way. But I have been there. Many times...i was a single mom for 4 1/2 years and know how much a bit of UNtoddler company can mean for you!

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  6. I have felt that way...
    mostly it was when I felt completely alone, like everything was on me.
    I am so sorry you feel alone.
    Boy howdy.
    Exercise is what makes me feel better too.
    That is probably what you noticed about my blog.
    It used to be food for me as well...
    I wrote a whole post about it...( well actually I think I am writing a whole blog about it..lol)
    http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com/2010/03/because-this-is-serious.html

    Not to self promote...lol.
    Just to show you I do know what it feels like to use food as your friend.
    My mom was a single mom. I don't know how she did it...to this day I think about it.
    No money, no help...no real friends.
    I'll tell you what though, I have so much admiration and respect for my mother this comment can't contain it.
    What God has allowed in your life he has allowed for a reason...as hokey as that sounds...someday, your daughters are going to grow up and hope with all that's in them that they are made out of whatever stuff that God put in you.
    Hugs to you.

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