Friday, April 30, 2010

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE RIDICULOUS BINGE

THE GOOD

Friday Weigh. It speaks for itself. I lost 4 lbs. 4! Holy hell! That pushes me into the 270's!! 278 to be exact and 3 lbs till the 50lb lost mark. HOLY-FRIGGIN-HELL!! I haven't been in the 270's since I got married and I'd just been starved for 6 months living in Mexico and having to choke down my future mother-in-law's food. I'm psyched!!

THE BAD

I think the 270's must scare me. OR I am stressed. OR I just lost control. SOMETHING happened. I did well today to start with. The girls and I went to Ihop for breakfast with the (ex) so they could see him. I had the Rise N Shine off the senior menu. This included 2 eggs over medium. A serving of hashbrowns. Two sliced of turkey bacon. (I specifically requested turkey bacon instead of the real yummy-licious pig bacon) a slice and a half of wheat toast without butter but with a little bit of strawberry jam and a cup and a quarter of coffee with cream. I counted this to add up to approximately 737 calories.



Well, I told myself I wouldn't eat anything else until dinner. My grandfather was making rigatoni in creamy meat sauce and a summer salad. I knew I'd overeat on that so I planned to eat a Lean Cuisine. That plan went all fine and dandy until I got home at 2PM STARVVVING!! So I had a 100 cal pack of ritz snacks. Immediately the salt triggered a sugar craving. I justified it saying even 200 cals in snacks will still only bring me to 937 and I'll have plenty of cals left for dinner.



(NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO JUSTIFY EXTRA SNACKING WHEN YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY)

THE RIDICULOUS BINGE!!

So I had a 100 cal pack of chocolate mint cookies. Then things were off and rolling. I literally felt as though I were detached from my body. My feet, my hands and my mouth had a mind of their own. (THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. IT IS REALLY HOW I FELT) I asked myself where the hell I was going as I walked to the pantry. My feet didn't answer. I told myself not to pull out the veggie chips. My hands ignored me. I told myself I was being a glutton as I pulled the Walla Walla sweet onion dill dip out of the fridge to dip the chips in. I screamed in protest as I stuffed them in my face and nearly died of a heart attack when I reached for another 130 cal pack of chips. WHAT?!?!?! Where is/was this behavior coming from?!?! In the 4 months I have been on my healthy eating plan this is ONLY the 2nd binge I have had. And it wasn't planned. It came from OUT OF NOWHERE! AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, MY BRAIN WAS DISPUTING MY ACTIONS THE WHOLE TIME. I DIDN'T WANT THE FOOD BUT I KEPT CRAMMING IT IN. By the time I was done with my messy binge-fest I had consumed an embarrassing amount of calories. Truly appalling. Like around 730 calories. Which brought my daily total to 1,467 calories consumed.



AND DINNER WAS STILL COMING.



By now you'd assume I would have come to my senses and put a stop to the madness. So, what did I decide to do. I basically said FLUCK IT and ate a whopping 1087 calories for dinner, including a heaping plate of the pasta my grandpa made, 4 (COUNT EM 4!!!) servings of the summer salad with honey mustard dressing and to top it all off I ate 2 oreos with mint filling.



I am truly disgusted with myself.



I finished the day with 2554 calories today. That is 1000 calories over my goal. NICE.... F---!



On that note, tomorrow is May and April showers bring May flowers.



May 1st holds many happy beginnings.



Tomorrow I will be posting progress pics and starting the c25k program (hopefully the weather cooperates) Until then.

10 comments :

  1. Binges happen, we have all been there. I know first hand that if you try and restrict calories 100% of the time, accidents happen. Also, I don't know what time you had breakfast but if you make your body wait too long for more fuel it will go into fat storage mode, and you'll be buring lean muscle mass to keep your body going and you want to keep as much muscle as you can in order to burn more calories at a rest state. If you're worried about eating too many calories, opt for veggies that will give your body the nutrients it needs rather than 100 calorie snack packs full of air and chemicals.

    I don't mean to sound preachy, all of this coming from a total stranger to you, I just love you and your blog, and I'm proud and inspired by your success to date, I just hope that you keep yourself healthy and give your body the nutrition it needs to lose the weight.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read that and the only thing that really popped out at me was this: I think the 270's must scare me. OR
    or nothing.
    What popped out of your brain and made it's way onto the keyboard first...
    bingo.
    When was your last binge?
    I am now going to look. I think there might be a connection.
    Hugs to you, start over tomorrow and don't don't don't wallow in it.
    Or you will spiral.
    chris out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And now not to be obnoxious...but using my powers of jedi master...I thought I would go back to another major threshold..week four or five..when You crossed over three hundred lbs mark...and ate 2550 calories.
    i am assuming this was the binge you talked about.
    It comes after you reach the goal.
    My horrendous urges to eat would come as I approached the goal.
    It was fear based.
    My fat was my protection against male attention.
    I thought it might be numbers that trigger it for you.
    What did 300 mean...what does 270 mean.
    I always say you never get morbidly obese without it doing something for you.
    Your weight dropping below key numbers seems to trigger something in you.
    Good luck...
    tomorrow is a new day.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Congratulations! I'm in the 270's as well, and hit a milestone in my weight loss yesterday! In addition I fit into a pair of jeans that haven't fit for a long time!

    Just like you, these successes seemed to have made me so excited I just had to eat. I'm glad I saw your blog, because I just had a breakfast of chips and leftover pizza, and was about to start another binging day.

    Marie

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think this is a perfect case of self sabotage. You were doing good, great, and took it away from yourself.

    I've been there so many times I can't count. I know exactly what you mean about being unable to stop yourself - it's like you're a freaking Zombie. 'Mmmmm Braiiiiinnns....'

    FORGIVE YOURSELF! Do not continue this weekend with put-downs, and punishment. Forgive yourself, and move on. Otherwise, you're just destroying your self control.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congrads on the 4 lbs wl! and yes a binge will occur. I think you need to make a list of things to do instead of eating. I have one and I swear that when I think I want food or have a craving I go to the list and most times it gives me something to do other than shoving my face. I am still working on perfecting it but it helps

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  7. I hate having eaten on auto-pilot. It seems like I "wake up" about an hour or so afterward and then the shame spiral begins.

    Excellent job on the weigh in. You're doing something right.

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  8. Ahh, you just couldn't let yourself be successful. At least that is what strikes me here. Release and let go. Move on. Binge happened and now it is over. I know you have it in you to move forward and you will. Forgive.

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  9. Unfortunately, that's how it happens sometimes. But, it's one day. I'm sure it won't derail you from having a loss next week. Good for you for admitting it all too. I'm not that strong!

    ReplyDelete
  10. This has happened to me more times than I can count. I lose some weight, and I get so nervous/scared/excited/I-don't-know-what that I have a major binge.

    My advice? Forget about it. Start tomorrow fresh. A binge is no big deal- just don't let it turn into a week/month of binging. Put it out of your mind. You can't un-binge, but you can stop it now. Good luck, you're doing great!

    ReplyDelete

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