My entire life I dreamt about becoming a mommy. It was ALL I wanted. I couldn’t get enough of holding babies. I watched pregnant women and felt jealousy and excitement looking at their round bumps and imagining the beautiful life growing inside and hoping desperately that one day I would be able to experience that. I have now experienced it, x3 (counting my angel baby) and it was worth it. It was everything I dreamed. Motherhood is such a blessing. A beautiful blessing.
But the day also makes me sad. Sad for those without moms, sad for moms who have lost their babies/children, sad for children who are not wanted by their moms and sad for moms who are shunned by their children.
I think of my mom. She is thee best mom in the whole word. Cliché. I know. Everyone (almost) says that their mom is the best. Well, let me rephrase my statement. My mom is thee best mom in the whole world that God could have given me. She is my best friend and had it been anyone else, I would not be who I am. You see, for those who don’t know the story, my mom got pregnant with me when she was 15 by her boyfriend who was 18. He offered her money to abort me. She took the money. She was 15 and scared. Luckily she is the daughter of a man who had been through a similar situation. My grandfather, in his teens, gave his girlfriend money for an abortion and she aborted their child. He regretted it heavily and to this day believes that that child was a boy and that the abortion was the reason God did not give him sons. (He only had my mom and my aunt) Anyway, my grandpa wasn’t going to have my mom abort me too. My great grandparents threatened to disown my mom. Claimed she would dishonor the family by having me. My grandparents offered to adopt me but by this time my mom was pretty far along in pregnancy and decided she wanted to keep me (with my grandparents’ help of course) So, on October 13th 1984 I was born. And along with me was born a mother. This beautiful, conceited, arrogant teen softened and decided to take the responsibility of being my mommy. And she was/is the best mommy. She didn’t have to be, but she was and is.
I think of my grandparents’ who don’t have their moms anymore. My grandma’s mom died when she was 16 and my grandpa’s mom died a little over 15 years ago when I was 10. I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have your mommy. I know one day that will happen to me and honestly the idea is absolutely terrifying.
I think of my stepdad whose mom died after a really bad fight between him and her. He stormed out and when he returned he found her dead in the garden. He never had a chance to apologize. He never got to tell her he loved her again. I cannot imagine the pain of this.
I think of mommies who have lost their babies. It is a blessing and a curse that the title remains once the tragedy has passed. Tragedy, whether it be an early miscarriage, a stillborn, an illness early in life, a car accident, or a child killed by some crazy in the middle east because s/he is doing what they think is right. Being patriotic. Mom. Ma. Mommy. Mama. Words they don’t/won’t hear but a title they will always bear none-the-less.
I think of mommies who reject their children for whatever reason. This saddens and angers me. How could you not love unconditionally that which was produced by your own body. That which grew within you for 9 months. That which you labored (in one way or another) to birth into this world. Only to shun/disown/forget that it exists. I can’t fathom it. Truly.
Tomorrow I don’t get to spend the day with my mom. She works. This makes me sad. I love her so.
I didn’t do well eating today. And by not eating well, I mean I mini binged on everything. I ate 2 days worth of calories. Nice. I am feeling super emotional and I don’t know why. I sort of planned to not eat well today though. I knew my step dad would be arriving and that would be stressful and then I plan not to eat very well tomorrow either because well, I’m being treated and I don’t know exactly what’s on the menu. But come Monday it’s back on track.
Ok, wait. I lied. I do know why I am feeling emotional.
Like, I said mothers day is here and I can’t spend it with my mom.
But the real reason is that my Ex is back. No, not just back from Mexico. He has reeled me back
in. I can’t completely eliminate him from my life because he has a right to see his girls. So, if I act mean and catty to him he becomes defensive and threatens me with taking custody of the girls. If I am nice and civil and happy he takes that as an open invitation that I’m ready to restart our relationship, even if I tell him that I’m not.
The other day we went to breakfast. Afterward as we’re leaving he kisses Buzzy goodbye. Buzzy then says, “Daddy kiss Breezy” so he goes and kisses Breezely. Buzzy then says, “Daddy kiss mama.” What an innocent soul she is. But she doesn’t know how detrimental this one act will be. I kiss him because she’s watching and I don’t want her to be sad. But because I do this he thinks that I’m back on the wagon of the relationship. I’m not. I want nothing to do with him. He doesn’t get it.
I feel degraded when I’m with him. He is constantly slapping my ass in public. I HATE IT and when I tell him to stop he just laughs and tells me to calm down. I want to friggin punch him, but I don’t and if I do smack his hand away he takes it as a challenge. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. He bites my hands if I hold his because Buzzy asks me to and thinks its funny when I yank my hand away. He makes snide remarks in the form of innuendos that send my blood pressure sky rocketing, such as: I’ll ask him what he wants to do after we eat breakfast and he’ll say (in Spanish) “what you want I want and how you’re comfortable I can do it.” It doesn’t make much sense in English but it’s basically an analogy for sex and he uses it all the time for EVERYTHING.
I’m so sick of it.
On a happy note, I fit in size 20 jeans. They’re snug but not so snug I can’t wear them. The only problem is I have a bit of a muffin top in them so I have to wear looser shirts. No biggy. Soon I will fit in them like I slide into the 22s right now. The day is coming soon.
Well, my bloggies, that is all for now.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES.
Remember, we have only so much time on this earth. Make it count.
If you are estranged from your mother, call her.
If you are estranged from your children, call them.
If you have lost your children, visit them wherever you have laid them to rest or just go talk to them in a quiet place.
If you have lost your mom, visit her wherever she may lie in rest or just talk to her. I really
believe God let’s them hear us.
If you love your mom hug her. Hold her tight. Kiss her cheek, her forehead. Tell her how much she means to you. Forget the past. It can’t be changed. Don’t look into the future. We don’t know if it will come. Take a hold of the present and make it beautiful and full of happiness.
The Fat Chick (Mommy)