Then again, when you have legs miles long like Stacy Keibler you pretty much look good doing anything. Off topic, though. ((even though I would love to have legs like hers – but sadly never will)) So, she said something on her blog that kinda hit me weird. She said, and I quote:
“ . . . but I would feel more comfortable dancing in front of people if I were under 200 lbs. And when I am thin, I will dance.”
This is very sad to me. I have taken salsa, samba, cha cha, and merengue (all latin ballroom classes) and I took them all at over 250lbs. You know how I felt in a class of beautiful, thin women and their less than coordinated male partners (I took the classes alone). I FELT SEXY. I FELT RAW. I FELT POWERFUL AND I FELT BEAUTIFUL!! This is where I pat myself on the back and let you all know that I have mad rhythmic skills. I can shake my
Nelley at Happiness is a Size 6 wrote THIS POST. Again, if you’re too lazy the post is called, How random messages from an ass can help to motivate ‘your’ ass. At the bottom of her post she asked this question:
“Any random ex lover stories out there?”
I literally had to push the mental stop button on the flood of memories that bombarded my brain by this simple question.
So, to indulge my random post, I thought I would post a few. Mind you, these are journal entries from eons ago.
Today has not been a good day. In fact this day has been so horrible I can only think to title it; TEARS. I woke up this morning to my husband vehement whisper… “Baby! Wake up!” Completely desperate and impatient. “We need to go eat breakfast so the day doesn’t escape us! Get up already!” I slowly got up, still half asleep and my heart hurting as though he had said something horrible to me. I got dressed and got ready for what is our normal, romantic Saturday breakfast.
I asked my husband, “did you tell Juan we’re going?” Insinuating that he has told his nephew that he and I were going, not implying had he asked him to go as well. He said yes, but to my dismay he had invited his nephew to our breakfast. It hurt a little, but it was ok. I understood because his nephew hasn’t been here that long and why would we leave him home alone when we didn’t have anything for him to eat. So we ate. We then went to the bank where I was reprimanded by my husband for slamming the door. He told me that if I didn’t treat our new Mustang well he was going to take it away from me and I could use the old one. This stung a little too, but I knew even though his words cut a little, he was right and I should treat the car well.
Then we came home and watched our recorded soap opera. Everything was fine until our neighbors started making tons and tons of noise. My husband opened the front door as the woman upstairs was running up and down the stairs. I yelled as loud as my voice would allow, “Could you be any less considerate?!” and then all hell broke loose. The woman’s husband who had been waiting in the car flew out of the car like a bat out of hell and was in mine and my husband’s face saying nasty things in his Chinese accent we could barely understand. There was one point I thought he and Myturo were going to get violent and even one point where I thought the frickin Chinese ass was gonna hit me! The yelling and obscenities got so ridiculous that I went to call 911 and the woman had to try and restrain her husband all the while his face is red and he and my husband are shouting at each other in their distinct accents. I couldn’t understand either of them. Then out of nowhere the man says he is going to the office to speak with the manager and so he flung around and flew down to the office where Myturo and I found them after locking up our house and walking down there. By this time my adrenaline was racing, my blood was soaring through my veins and my mind was going a million miles a minute running through potential scenarios of was about to happen. We walked into that office with a purpose and the Chinese woman started yelling at us immediately. The manager didn’t even have a chance to take a breath let alone speak. The woman spoke of us making her nervous by hitting the walls when she is making too much noise and adamantly denied that she or her husband or her 15 year old son (of whom Myturo and I have never even heard or seen) make the noises we accuse them of making at all unGodly hours of the night and day. I was indignant as I had recorded many loud episodes (only later to find out that they were accidentally erased) But none-the-less we held our ground. Again the woman had to restrain her husband a few times and at one point ended up shoving him out of the office to cool down. The manager was about to call the police because the man and woman were getting into it, violently and that was when I broke down in tears and told the manager that that was what I had heard only accompanied by blood curdling screams and torturous wailing. In the end it seemed the office managers understood Myturo and me. We were asked to try and void each other (our neighbors and us) as much as possible and if they continued annoying us to call security. All in all this took quite a bit of time and set me completely on edge. I was exhausted and sad and nervous when we arrived back at the apartment.
We continued watching our soap operas. At one point Myturo got a few apricots from the fridge and started to eat them without pulling them in ½ first. I was joking with him and told him he was eating them wrong. He made a disgusted sound and told me he would eat them anyway he felt like it, thank you. Then after the soap opera was finished Myturo came into the bedroom to lie down. I changed into my comfortable clothes, took off my bra and laid down with him except he stayed on his side of the bed almost to the edge as if he didn’t want to be anywhere near me. I asked him why he was all the way over there and he said because he was resting then asked me why I laid down. I said because I wanted to rest with him and he turned over and flung is arm over me, noticed I wasn’t wearing a bra and asked why I had taken it off. I lied and said that it was cutting into my side and made me uncomfortable. I then jokingly said the truth and said I was “hoping to get some”. He made another disgusted utterance and waved me away muttering something about how I hadn’t wanted to the night before and now I do. That it’s only when I want. (Mind you when he got home the night before I was passed out and I don’t even remember him asking . . . If I had I would have surely hopped to it as I am ovulating and this is the best time to try to have a baby)
In any case he said, “I’m going to take a shower.” Hopped up, less than 5 minutes after he had laid down. I felt sad, helpless, useless and hurt. I didn’t know what was wrong and he hadn’t given me the opportunity to ask.
Then as soon as he got out of the shower his cell phone rang and it was his nephew in California (the one we are going to pick up on Memorial day weekend). He spent the next 35 minutes while getting ready for work talking to his nephew about how is nephew is going to transfer, how we are going to go pick him up etc etc. When he did finally get off the phone he came over to me, kissed my head, told me how beautiful I look with my hair that way and how beautiful I am anyway. He then had me walk out with him to our cars, where our new mustang was in our assigned parking spot and our white one in a guest spot. On the way out he told me he was stressed and felt pressured and that he didn’t know why. That our bills are killing him and that he is only working to pay them. (He wants to buy new wires, amplifiers etc in Mexico) Anyway, we swapped so he could have a space close to park in when he got home. He blew a kiss goodbye to me and told me he would call me on his way to work.
When he called me on my cell phone a few minutes later his personality had taken a 180 degree turn for the devil! All of a sudden he was telling me how he wants to go back to Mexico, and he isn’t going to take Saturdays off anymore because I am pressuring him to go by ourselves and then he is telling me that I need to tell him each and every bill I pay so he isn’t disillusioned by the fact we have so little in the bank when he thinks we have more. He again reprimands me for slamming the car door at the bank, reprimands me for pressuring him and stressing him out. Says that if he was in Mexico he could be living a relaxed and free life without so much pressure and so much stress and without anyone to tell him when or where or how or with who. I was flabbergasted. Completely shocked. What happened to my husband that had just walked out the door telling me how beautiful I was??? He told me I take advantage of him and his money. He told me I don’t appreciate him and for that reason we will have “our” time when we can and not any other days because he isn’t going to take any days off special for “us” anymore. He threw in my face a few things about my family, a few things about everything and I felt about as small as a mustard seed when he said, “well I’m here at work now and I haven’t been able to solve anything with you so I’m going to go work and I’m going to turn off my cell phone.” WHAT?!?!?!? He never turns off his cell phone! I asked him why he was doing this, why he was being so vengeful and then a thought occurred to me. And I asked him if he was expecting a call that he shouldn’t receive. That sent the lid off the boiling pot and asked me if I wanted him to go back to Mexico because if I did to continue with my stupid questions. This made me even more suspicious but I didn’t push it. He has never ever before given me reason to believe him unfaithful. So I asked again, What had I done to deserve this? And again he called me ungrateful, and that I don’t appreciate it or value him. He then said I hadn’t even said I was sorry. In my mind I am thinking FOR WHAT? But so as to make peace I say, I am sorry!!! I apologize! Then he throws in my face that a long time ago I had told him that if my words weren’t said on my own that I probably didn’t mean them and again he threw in my face that I am apologizing but I don’t mean it because I don’t value him or what he does for me. He called me a spoiled brat. That he spoils me and I just expect more. Told me to stop yelling at him when I was speaking in even tones (even though by now I am crying pretty hard) and said he was turning off his cell phone again. I asked him if he accepted my apology and he said, are you going to stop with all your immature little problems and complaints etc and I said yes and he said ok. He loved me and goodbye.
I couldn’t believe what had just happened. What did I do to deserve this? So now I am sitting here, no longer crying but still cold and shaken with sadness. Why does he get this way? I am going to call his cell phone and see if he really turned it off. He didn’t. Which makes me even more upset because whose call was he waiting for?? I don’t know. I am so sad. So upset.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Sorry this entry is so depressing. Hopefully I will be able to look back on it in a few weeks and go, oh how silly I was. But right now it is fresh and it hurts. Until later with more stuff to say . . . I leave you with my TEARS.
We got back from our 4 day journey to California and back yesterday. I will never make that drive again without spending the night somewhere in-between. The drive there was peaceful. I started out the trip on Friday, driving all the way to the border of California with no breaks. Then Myturo took over into the evening and we drove and drove and drove. By this time I was sooo tired so when I had to take over the wheel again around 3am I was ½ asleep and so not prepared to drive again. I almost fell asleep a million times. You know that feeling where your eyes are so heavy and they just close and you snap back into consciousness? Yep, that’s the feeling. That’s what happened. So not cool when one is driving.
So what my grandfather predicted would be a minimum of an 18 hour drive was only a 13 ½ hour drive. We arrived in California at my mom’s house at around 7am and slept on her couch until about 11am. We then all woke up and went around our own business. I went out with my mom and my sister and Myturo went over to Feliz’s (our other nephew) house to start packing and getting things ready for the trip back. So all in the all the trip there was decent. I spent most of it with my mom and sister. We went shopping, out to eat, shopping some more, to a movie (Pirates of the Caribbean and World End < ---- Definitely not as good as the other two) One of the days I was using my laptop, which I had lent to Juan, and found he had downloaded a million half naked pictures of models, and girls in general. ON MY LAPTOP!!! WTF?!?! He had changed my desktop to one of them so I deleted them all and changed my desktop back. (Did I give him permission to do that in the first place) and he completely changed the entire makeup of the computer so everything is in Spanish instead of English. UGH! Needless to say I am now holding my laptop hostage, or actually I am keeping it in protective custody. Then on Sunday night we packed up the car, got back on the road and spent the next 14 hours driving home. On the way home my husband decided to play cat and mouse on the freeway with a girl who Feliz thought was pretty. He wouldn’t let her pass, then he’d let her get ahead and cut her off and then fall behind and then not let her pass again. It was very immature, very frustrating and I just wanted to chew my fake acrylic nails off . . . Once we got home all hell broke loose, well at least inside me. I told Myturo we should unpack the trunk. He said, no I want to rest. Not 5 minutes later Juan says Tio (Uncle) we should unpack the trunk and he says, Okay. So we unpack everything (and Feliz brought his entire life with him) and did they put it away nicely???? NOOOOOO!!! They just put it down wherever they felt like it so now my house, which was clean, is now a friggin pig-sty. Then Myturo pulls me into the bedroom (where there is a bunch of stuff lying all over the bed) and decides it’s been a “long time” and so he wants to do “stuff”. Well I am tired, cranky and worst of all I have retained so much water that I have creases on my ankles when I bend them! I am so not in the mood but we have an agreement, never to deny each other so, whatever! So we’re in the process and the skin on my hips suddenly feels stretched to maximum capacity and suddenly I am in stabbing pain, but I endure the rest, we finish . . . he showers, invites me to take a shower with him. I am retaining water like a camel so I decline saying I need to take a cold shower so maybe the swelling will go down and his shower is burning hot. He gets a bit miffed at that but understands. So he finishes, I shower. I forget to take off my eye makeup it smears and runs all over my face, burns my eyes. I suddenly look like I have been in a fight with two thick black rings around my eyes and my actual eyes red, swollen and bloodshot. I loofa my feet because they are dry and cracking, I shave my legs, cut my legs, bleed all over the bathtub. I wash my hair, remember we don’t have any gel and that means I am either going to have to blow it dry (I think not!!!) or let it look like a rats nest. (Guess that’s my only option) I finish washing the rest of myself, get out of the shower, dry off, get dressed do my makeup, all the time I am assuming we are going to go eat. I finish, and hear that Myturo and our nephews are playing music (like literally playing / rehearsing / practicing / singing even) So I sit down at my computer hoping they will be done soon so we can eat. By this time my ankles feel so thick and uncomfortable that I decide I will take a before and after picture so everyone can see how horribly swollen they were. (Those pics will be posted later when the swelling actually goes down, hence the AFTER picture… LOL) So it takes about an hour for the guys to finish and then Myturo walks in the room and says are you ready yet? I’m like, yeah I have been ready and waiting for the past hour and he’s like, oh well we were waiting for you. UGH! Whatever. So we return our rental car, go pick up some Chinese food to eat and then get back home. Well immediately when we are done eating the guys say they are going to walk to Hollywood video and rent some video games. I say ok, I am not interested in going. They get back about an hour later and immediately get to playing the games. They do this for the next 3 hours and then Myturo comes into the bedroom and announces they are going to go workout at the gym. Feliz insists on pointing out to me that in 5 months Myturo will have an “incredible body”. I’m like, uh, I like him the way he is and don’t need more reasons to be jealous of NOTHING! Thanks Feliz! Thanks so much! By this time I am feeling neglected, ignored, lonely and sad. I knew this was going to happen! I just knew it! Myturo asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with them. I’m like ok, first of all I am in my pajamas, in bed half asleep. Second I am so not going to the gym with the three spaghetti noodles so I can look even fatter to everyone else. So they left and I fell asleep. Now usually when Myturo gets back from work at 2 – 3am I can always feel him get into bed. Well I have no idea when they got home because I never felt Myturo get in bed. He says it wasn’t long that they were there but I just don’t really believe him. Life was so much easier 6 months ago when Myturo and I were floundering and drowning in the sea of our debt. Then we invited our first nephew to come live with us. Everything basically stayed the same. Now that Feliz is here our lives are in shambles. He invades everything, monopolized everything, and takes over everything. I just wanna cry! By the way we are no longer moving. We are staying in the same apartment with the same horrible neighbors upstairs and you ask me why? BECAUSE! My nephews are noisier than our neighbors and I don’t want any NEW problems because of them. So, in the same apartment we stay. Myturo and I had words this morning. I told him I don’t like being neglected, ignored, and left alone all the time. We aren’t “normal” when it comes to couples and I never want to be “normal” where I go my way and he goes his and we meet in the middle when we happen to pass. I think this is what makes up for a good percentage of divorces here in the USA. Not enough quality time dedicated to the relationship. In any case we had words. He said I said some hurtful things. I told him he did as well. We went back and forth for a while about you do this and you do that and well you do this and I hate that . . . I’m gonna do this whether you want me to or not and if you do this, we’re gonna have serious problems. It was just this huge tug-of-war ending in a well I have to work now so I love you and goodbye, by him. (We ALWAYS no matter how mad at each other we are say “I Love You”) Well my eyes filled with tears and my heart was in my throat and I felt like just sinking into the floor. But about 10 minutes later when I thought the waterworks were gonna start for sure, he calls. I say “Good Morning US Funding Group” cuz that’s where I work and that’s where he was calling and he says in one huge breath, “you are the most wonderful beautiful girl, the treasure of my life and I am going to do everything in my power to make you happy”. I then DID start sobbing and he told me he loved me, that we would see each other later, that he sent millions of kisses my way and to try to relax and have a great rest of my day. Which brings me up to now. I am now done typing my update for this Memorial Day weekend. Check out my Memorial Day Weekend in California Page!
RANDOM FREAKISH TIDBITS ABOUT MY (EX) HUSBAND
* My husband believes he can be cured of fear by bathing in roots and leaves
* My husband also believes that after bathing in these roots and leaves he can sweat out any bad that has posessed his body by keeping himself wrapped like a mummy from head to toe in sheets and blankets
* My husband also believes as a final act to this ritual that if when he is sleeping, someone sprays him with alcohol and calls his name loudly, he will 'return to himself' and be rejuvenated
* My husband believes you can get a sore throat from drinking cold water
* My husband believes if you come out of somewhere warm into somewhere cold you will automatically get sick
* My husband believes Tuesday is a bad day to do anything important
* My husband believes the breath (as in panting or meowing close to ones face) of a cat or dog can transfer amoebas and make a person severely ill
* My husband believes that tendons & muscles are actually nerves
* My husband believes if you boil tomatoes and shove them into your throat (blocking air passage) you can cure a sore throat
* My husband believes that by rubbing certain leaves over a person's face and chanting you can cure their headache
* My husband believes that all dogs are carriers of rabies and that if you are bitten by a dog (even a purely indoor dog) you need to have an injection in your belly button to prevent rabies
* My husband believes that if you do not eat three meals at the same time every day of your life you will never have a healthy digestive system
* My husband believes that honey and a shot of tequila will cure a congested chest (this is kinda sorta true)
* My husband believes that a heavy person can never be truly thin and vice versa
* My husband believes that if you don't signal and try and push the nose of your car into the next lane it is much easier and safer to change lanes on a busy highway than by simply turning on your blinker and waiting for someone to give you space
* My husband believes that my m/c was not chromosomal or genetically induced but was caused by something I did or ate **what do the doctors know anyway, right?**
* My husband believes it is his God given right to be 'retired' by age 40 because he has 'put in his years of hard labor'.
* My husband, even now at 34 years old, believes he will one day be famous . . . (I think it’s insane)
* My husband believes that on a night when there is an eclipse or a 'blood moon', a pregnant woman should never leave her house. If she MUST leave the house she is to carry a knife, scissors or metal object to protect her unborn fetus from the bad of the world, which could cause dismemberment or facial deformation upon birth
* My husband believes in Chupacabras that sit outside the window of a newborn infant's bedroom waiting until the right moment before sucking the life out of them (this is why some people do not take their newborns out of the house until at least a month after birth)
* My husband believes in "the eye" or "el ojo" which is when one person covets something and then that object (if living) will die. Example: In Mexico I fell in love with all the new puppies running around his property. They all ended up dying in the 6 months I was there and his sister told me it was because I coveted them and put my "eye" on them.
LET'S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER. HE'S A FREAK!!!
I wrote this a long time ago. I believe it was about ovulation kits. Now it applies well to the scale.
The irony of 8099 days on this planet, providing life, air, water, food . . . Spent in a vessel. It doesn’t belong to the owner but the creator. Is it wanted? No. Dreams of peace, war, lies, truth, hate, love . . . Swirling, falling, evaporating . . . Skin. Another vessel, belonging to me. Only me. Essence of what is mine and what I keep. Holding him close, breathing him into my very soul. Make us one. Tomorrow, comes every today and life, air, water, food . . . Here. Again. Tears, waters from the fountain that holds the pain. Tears of sadness . . . Grief . . . Loneliness . . . Whispers of maybe. A white stick of probing pixels calculate the beginning of each day . . . Rising, falling, as life curls its fingers and releases. A box, my breath. Inhale . . . What is to come and yet it is inevitable . . .