Tuesday, June 8, 2010

AT ROCK BOTTOM YOU CAN ONLY LOOK UP

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t sit here and pretend.

I can’t lie.

I can’t make everyone happy while I am stuck in utter misery.

What am I talking about?

Two things actually.

My weight and my marriage.

My weight has stayed the same, fluctuating between 276 and 279.

Up and down. Up and down.

But I can’t pretend like I’m really TRYING.

I haven’t been.

Breakfast and lunch is usually okay. Snacks get me. Dinner consumes me before I can consume it and before I know what is happening I am on a sweet, salt, sweet, salt, sweet, salty binge for the rest of the night.

So I’m not going to pretend or lie anymore. I won’t pretend for the public and I won’t lie to myself. I ate like crap today. But I made the effort to walk tonight. It felt good. Empowering. I think I will do it again tomorrow. And that is where my planning for the future ends. Right here, right now and I’ll think about tomorrow. Because otherwise life becomes overwhelming.

So overwhelming.

I must admit also, that in a moment of great weakness I decided to try to mend things with my husband once more. (I am still seeking legal counsel, just have not found the lawyer I am sure has my back yet) Anyway, I told him we needed to start at the bottom, the foundation. He agreed. Everything was fine. Life was good. And then yesterday we met for dinner and to go to the mall for the girls to play at the indoor play park.

The play park was good. Buzzy played with a few little girls and enjoyed having someone other than Breezely to run after. Breezely climbed all over the soft rubberized fish and cars and had a blast. My husband then decided to randomly by Buzzy a $45 helicopter that is way passed her level of understanding. It says on the box – 8years+. She’ll be two tomorrow. Regardless, I thought the sentiment was sweet – at first.

**I had told him that the night before I had had nightmares and barely slept. I told him dinner and a bit of play would be good but I needed to get home to bathe the girls and go to bed. I was exhausted and Breezely was quickly becoming cranky. It was 7:45. Their bedtime is normally eight. They still needed a bath and Breezely does not take kindly to going past her bedtime. She becomes a baby horror.**

So anyway, as we’re walking out of the mall with Buzzy gripping her helicopter tightly in her hands, my husband has this grand idea that we should go fly it at the park. I say that tonight was not a good night, that we didn’t have batteries for the helicopter and that another day would be better. He pouted but didn’t say anything. Then he comes to our car, gets in and just sits there silently. Well, I can’t leave if he’s sitting in my car. He lives in the opposite direction 45 miles away. So, I wait, thinking maybe he has something he wants to talk about. By now, Breezely is pretty fussy. AND THEN HE STARTS TO KISS ME! No no no! (and it wasn’t just like a peck on the lips – he’s such a PIG) I pull away and he asks why and I say because our daughters are awake and watching. He has a conniption fit, yells at me that he can never kiss me when our girls are awake (uh yeah dude, that’s right. Our daughters don’t need to see you grope me, thanks though!) and gets out of the car, slamming the door. He kisses Breezely goodbye who is now screaming and then Buzzy. Buzzy says, Daddy say goodbye to mama. He says, BYE and slams her door. WTF?!?!

Then today I get a collection call from our car loan company. My car is 11 days past due. Obviously he hasn’t paid it. Okay, fine. I’ll pay it. I call the bank to see how much money we have and we have all of $17. I find the night before he went and took out ALL our funds. NICE!
Then, while I’m on the phone with the automated bank machine I get a text which I read minutes later from him saying (in Spanish), ‘I want to see my girls tomorrow’.

I say, ‘okay. But I need you to pay my car payment and then reinstate our car insurance.’ (which I found out yesterday was cancelled due to some of his misdealing with our bank. I’m PISSED!!
Now, 5 hours later after I text him this he texts me back, ‘what does that mean? That if I don’t have the money to pay for the insurance or your car that I can’t see my daughters?’

And I reply. ‘No, of course you can see them. But you have to come here, to my house because I WILL NOT DRIVE without car insurance!’

He hasn’t responded yet, but my bet will be he will either threaten me with divorce and custody stuff or he’ll tell me to drive without the insurance because he has a right to see his daughters.

Opes, as I am typing this he says ‘Whatever. You never let me do anything with them anyways.’ (LOL , uh ok.) ‘It’s always when you want, how you want.’ (yes because I’m the mama)

UGH! I’m stressed.


Edited 10 minutes later to say:

It really bothers me that he is so selfish and so self centered that on his daughter's birthday he probably will not come to visit her. He would rather look like he's the victim then to come see her, and hug and her and say happy birthday.

Tell me, am I wrong to not drive her to see him? Honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone says. I WILL NOT DRIVE WITHOUT CAR INSURANCE. I have dealt with enough of the things HE has done ILLEGALLY. I will not add to the chaos and jeopardize our safety (mostly their safety) because he is going to have a conniption fit.

In any case, I guess only time will tell. Will he come? I don't know. I hope so for Buzzy's sake. I hope not for mine. But mine isn't what counts. When you become a parent you are SUPPOSED to put yourself aside and do what is best for your children. The memo must have gotten lost in all the freakishness that was our relationship. Apparently he still hasn't gotten it. Probably never will.


The Fat Chick Weigh

12 comments :

  1. Oh dear girl... ((HUGE HUGS))

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  2. Girl sounds like you need a getaway...a nice tropical one with warm nights and ocean breezes into your cabana and hot men all around you...sigh. I need one too. Unfortunately we're stuck in our realities. Keep your chin up girl, things will get better. I don't know when or how, but they will; they always do.

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  3. Oh my dear, you do have so much going on. I was just thinking about you earlier today, hoping you were doing okay. Whatever you do decide to do, know we're all here to support you.

    I think taking it one day at a time is an excellent idea. You can do it! :)

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  4. It sounds like he's being deliberately obtuse because he knows you aren't remotely interested in him like that. And obviously that rankles, but he should still be level-headed when it comes to the kids as they are the innocent in all of this. It certainly doesn't help with the weight loss when you've got everything in the background sabotaging your feeling of 'settled' and 'secure'.

    It doesn't sound like you have a whole lot of support from him anyway. And it's hard to be the strong one for everyone sometimes. To be the crutch, but where is your crutch? etc.

    One day at a time sounds like a good philosophy :)

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  5. You gotta stop, you're punishing yourself by attempting a relationship with this person. That's all you're doing. You obviously think you don't deserve better, or think this is the best that you're able to do - it's not. It's a lie that you're telling yourself. Stop hurting yourself.

    As for the insurance stuff. If you get pulled over with no insurance, that will be a major ticket on your record - you will no longer qualify for regular market and your premiums will double. Not to mention the whole - no insurance if you, your daughter, a third party, etc. are injured. You could lose everything.

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  6. It sounds like you need to focus on yourself & what is the best for your kids. His emotions all over the place do not sound healthy. I hope you find a way to make things work if that is what you really truly want. I don't think taking all the the $$ out of your account when you have the girls is someone who thinks rationally.

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  7. It is a HUGE fine if you get caught driving without insurance, not to mention dangerous. If he really wants to see them he'll make the effort. Ug, every time I read about you getting back with this jerk I just want to scream!

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  8. Wow...the situation you're in with the husband makes me sick. Is it weird that I want to slap him?

    I wish I had advice..instead I'll just say that I wish you the very best figuring this stuff out. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. :( Hang in there!

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  9. one day at a time is much much less overwhelming. Hell even one meal at a time works.....
    I think the emotional stress as of late has thrown you off your game--oh have I been there and done that!!!
    Take care of your babies, take care of you (and dont drive without insurance!!). screw anyone/anything that makes life harder and right now thats what the husband is doing!

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  10. Defiantly dont drive without insurance, there is a huge fine and in some states you lose your license. Especially since it sounds like he is the type to force you to drive without insurance and then turn you in. I wish you all the best:)

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  11. HUGE HUGS coming through the cyber waves for you. I really hope that things start looking up soon. We're here for ya!

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  12. Ummm....maybe your ex and mine should get together for lunch!LOL He is always kissing me and groping me. It's hard, because I DO love him, but he thinks that sex will solve all things...it won't.

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