I can’t sit here and pretend.
I can’t lie.
I can’t make everyone happy while I am stuck in utter misery.
What am I talking about?
Two things actually.
My weight and my marriage.
My weight has stayed the same, fluctuating between 276 and 279.
Up and down. Up and down.
But I can’t pretend like I’m really TRYING.
I haven’t been.
Breakfast and lunch is usually okay. Snacks get me. Dinner consumes me before I can consume it and before I know what is happening I am on a sweet, salt, sweet, salt, sweet, salty binge for the rest of the night.
So I’m not going to pretend or lie anymore. I won’t pretend for the public and I won’t lie to myself. I ate like crap today. But I made the effort to walk tonight. It felt good. Empowering. I think I will do it again tomorrow. And that is where my planning for the future ends. Right here, right now and I’ll think about tomorrow. Because otherwise life becomes overwhelming.
I must admit also, that in a moment of great weakness I decided to try to mend things with my husband once more. (I am still seeking legal counsel, just have not found the lawyer I am sure has my back yet) Anyway, I told him we needed to start at the bottom, the foundation. He agreed. Everything was fine. Life was good. And then yesterday we met for dinner and to go to the mall for the girls to play at the indoor play park.
The play park was good. Buzzy played with a few little girls and enjoyed having someone other than Breezely to run after. Breezely climbed all over the soft rubberized fish and cars and had a blast. My husband then decided to randomly by Buzzy a $45 helicopter that is way passed her level of understanding. It says on the box – 8years+. She’ll be two tomorrow. Regardless, I thought the sentiment was sweet – at first.
**I had told him that the night before I had had nightmares and barely slept. I told him dinner and a bit of play would be good but I needed to get home to bathe the girls and go to bed. I was exhausted and Breezely was quickly becoming cranky. It was 7:45. Their bedtime is normally eight. They still needed a bath and Breezely does not take kindly to going past her bedtime. She becomes a baby horror.**
So anyway, as we’re walking out of the mall with Buzzy gripping her helicopter tightly in her hands, my husband has this grand idea that we should go fly it at the park. I say that tonight was not a good night, that we didn’t have batteries for the helicopter and that another day would be better. He pouted but didn’t say anything. Then he comes to our car, gets in and just sits there silently. Well, I can’t leave if he’s sitting in my car. He lives in the opposite direction 45 miles away. So, I wait, thinking maybe he has something he wants to talk about. By now, Breezely is pretty fussy. AND THEN HE STARTS TO KISS ME! No no no! (and it wasn’t just like a peck on the lips – he’s such a PIG) I pull away and he asks why and I say because our daughters are awake and watching. He has a conniption fit, yells at me that he can never kiss me when our girls are awake (uh yeah dude, that’s right. Our daughters don’t need to see you grope me, thanks though!) and gets out of the car, slamming the door. He kisses Breezely goodbye who is now screaming and then Buzzy. Buzzy says, Daddy say goodbye to mama. He says, BYE and slams her door. WTF?!?!
Then today I get a collection call from our car loan company. My car is 11 days past due. Obviously he hasn’t paid it. Okay, fine. I’ll pay it. I call the bank to see how much money we have and we have all of $17. I find the night before he went and took out ALL our funds. NICE!
Then, while I’m on the phone with the automated bank machine I get a text which I read minutes later from him saying (in Spanish), ‘I want to see my girls tomorrow’.
I say, ‘okay. But I need you to pay my car payment and then reinstate our car insurance.’ (which I found out yesterday was cancelled due to some of his misdealing with our bank. I’m PISSED!!
Now, 5 hours later after I text him this he texts me back, ‘what does that mean? That if I don’t have the money to pay for the insurance or your car that I can’t see my daughters?’
And I reply. ‘No, of course you can see them. But you have to come here, to my house because I WILL NOT DRIVE without car insurance!’
He hasn’t responded yet, but my bet will be he will either threaten me with divorce and custody stuff or he’ll tell me to drive without the insurance because he has a right to see his daughters.
Opes, as I am typing this he says ‘Whatever. You never let me do anything with them anyways.’ (LOL , uh ok.) ‘It’s always when you want, how you want.’ (yes because I’m the mama)
UGH! I’m stressed.
Edited 10 minutes later to say:
It really bothers me that he is so selfish and so self centered that on his daughter's birthday he probably will not come to visit her. He would rather look like he's the victim then to come see her, and hug and her and say happy birthday.
Tell me, am I wrong to not drive her to see him? Honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone says. I WILL NOT DRIVE WITHOUT CAR INSURANCE. I have dealt with enough of the things HE has done ILLEGALLY. I will not add to the chaos and jeopardize our safety (mostly their safety) because he is going to have a conniption fit.
In any case, I guess only time will tell. Will he come? I don't know. I hope so for Buzzy's sake. I hope not for mine. But mine isn't what counts. When you become a parent you are SUPPOSED to put yourself aside and do what is best for your children. The memo must have gotten lost in all the freakishness that was our relationship. Apparently he still hasn't gotten it. Probably never will.
The Fat Chick Weigh