Thursday, June 24, 2010

BLOG THERAPY

I need blog therapy tonight. I am a little bit overwhelmed with life right now. Part of me is choked up in knots with worry about the divorce, custody etc. The other half of me is calm, peaceful. I know God will guide me through this and it will be OK.

To be honest, the proverbial wagon that I had fallen off of, chased after, climbed back on only to fall off and repeat the process is but a small speck on the horizon of my priorities right now. I feel horrible, guilty and physically gross about it though. Food, again has become my comfort. My drug to numb the torrential flood of crazy emotions and feelings I am having right now.

I need to change that though. I keep wondering what happened to me? For 5 months I felt like I was on top of the world. ON TOP OF THE WORLD!! I could do anything, and I was succeeding at weight loss for the first time ever. Now, I feel as though I am back at square one. I’m not, I know. I haven’t gained back a ton of weight but I still feel remorse and resentment and guilt and anger. When did my ‘button’ unclick? It had been working so well!

Before the events of today, I signed up to get my BA in journalism and mass communications. I figured it was time to do something for me to further myself and it would look good on a query when presented to an agent. I can’t do that now. I don’t have the energy, much less the desire. I am going to cancel my enrollment tomorrow.

So, this is how things are going to work . . . I think. For the month of July (excluding July 4th) I am going to attempt to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. I have grown accustomed once again to NOT WEIGHING myself so I will start out by doing a July challenge. Starting weight, July 1st and end challenge weight by August 1st and this time I’m doing measurements. I am praying that my button will re-click and I will be able to regain the momentum I had with this weight loss journey.

January is 6 months away and will mark 1 year since I embarked on this crazy journey called a healthy lifestyle. Apparently I have been sidetracked but catching up to that wagon and jumping back on it is what I have to do. I HAVE TO. No matter how many times I miss, or get on only to fall off again. I have to keep getting back on. I can’t give up. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. Because giving up would mean I have failed.

On January 1st, my one year anniversary of living healthily I want to weigh 235lbs AT MOST. That is approximately 2lbs per week, starting July 1st and ending December 31st 2010. I WANT TO DO THIS! I NEED TO DO THIS AND I NEED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN REFOCUS AND DO THIS THANG!!

4 comments :

  1. Not ever having to worry about that ol 'D' word I can't pretend to understand the pressures that brings. What I do understand is the falling off the wagon and getting back on thing - the 'my switch went' thing, and the 'I am so hopeless, useless, disgusting, what a numpty' thing.

    I think the knack - as if I know it, is to be kind to yourself - whilst being honest and willing to change what you are doing. Not making excuses, or using your old thinking, but really being willing to bite the bullet every second of the day. I think the crux of that does not lie in setting targets or goals - that is for later when you are on the way, I think the way out of a funk as far as food and health goes is to 'take it one day at a time'.

    How often is that old cherry churned out - sigh -- but truthfully if you actually read it -- ONEDAYATATIME -- which means not looking at next week or January, or goals, or what you want to achieve - it means doing it just for now - this minute - every decision being weighed just for today.

    If you attend to 'NOW' -- every one of those 'nows' will add up into a whole day-- and a secret I learned was that it only takes one day to restore your dignity. Try it - see if'n I am not right. ONE DAY. thats all it takes to start you moving forward. Stick with that one day - today - and then another one day tomorrow - each day being a unit on its own. You can do anything just for one day.

    And when you have done it - as I know you will - because I have every faith in your ability to do anything just for one day - you will be able to start looking forward to when your days have made a week. How good will that be!

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  2. Using food as a "comfort" is just an excuse. And what is there to worry about as far as the divorce goes? If your ex is bad as you portray him to be, there's no question you are going to come out on top. You are using it as an excuse to get all worked up so you can make poor food choices.

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  3. Thank you Captain Obvious (Dana) for reiterating what I already wrote.

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  4. You can do this, everyone hits a plateau now and again. You WILL come back out on top! Stay positive!! I completely understand about food and comfort. I'm still working on that myself. It's just a battle, that we both can overcome, and we can beat. Life is always going to have it's up and downs, and don't fret about needing blog therapy!! We all need it sometime!! I know you can do this!! You have accomplished SO MUCH already!! Don't let this slump get the best of you!! You are beautiful, incredible, a wonderful mom, you CAN do this!! :)

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