I need blog therapy tonight. I am a little bit overwhelmed with life right now. Part of me is choked up in knots with worry about the divorce, custody etc. The other half of me is calm, peaceful. I know God will guide me through this and it will be OK.
To be honest, the proverbial wagon that I had fallen off of, chased after, climbed back on only to fall off and repeat the process is but a small speck on the horizon of my priorities right now. I feel horrible, guilty and physically gross about it though. Food, again has become my comfort. My drug to numb the torrential flood of crazy emotions and feelings I am having right now.
I need to change that though. I keep wondering what happened to me? For 5 months I felt like I was on top of the world. ON TOP OF THE WORLD!! I could do anything, and I was succeeding at weight loss for the first time ever. Now, I feel as though I am back at square one. I’m not, I know. I haven’t gained back a ton of weight but I still feel remorse and resentment and guilt and anger. When did my ‘button’ unclick? It had been working so well!
Before the events of today, I signed up to get my BA in journalism and mass communications. I figured it was time to do something for me to further myself and it would look good on a query when presented to an agent. I can’t do that now. I don’t have the energy, much less the desire. I am going to cancel my enrollment tomorrow.
So, this is how things are going to work . . . I think. For the month of July (excluding July 4th) I am going to attempt to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. I have grown accustomed once again to NOT WEIGHING myself so I will start out by doing a July challenge. Starting weight, July 1st and end challenge weight by August 1st and this time I’m doing measurements. I am praying that my button will re-click and I will be able to regain the momentum I had with this weight loss journey.
January is 6 months away and will mark 1 year since I embarked on this crazy journey called a healthy lifestyle. Apparently I have been sidetracked but catching up to that wagon and jumping back on it is what I have to do. I HAVE TO. No matter how many times I miss, or get on only to fall off again. I have to keep getting back on. I can’t give up. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. Because giving up would mean I have failed.
On January 1st, my one year anniversary of living healthily I want to weigh 235lbs AT MOST. That is approximately 2lbs per week, starting July 1st and ending December 31st 2010. I WANT TO DO THIS! I NEED TO DO THIS AND I NEED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN REFOCUS AND DO THIS THANG!!