Friday, June 25, 2010

NO SUGAR COATING

First off, I have gone off white sugar. Eating well as of ALL today and no white sugar. I need to start eliminating the crap and sugar is huge on my crap list.

Now, the rest of this post is again, more for documentation purposes than anything. What you are about to read, if you choose to do so may seem confusing because there are phone conversations mixed in. Please, do not judge and if you do feel the need to judge me and/or my decisions, please refrain from letting me know. I had my reasons for saying certain things even if they sound ridiculous or groveling or whatever.

I have a firm belief that when it comes to really important issues, 'People have there opinions of me and they are none of my business'. So let's keep it that way. Thanks Court. LOL

Messages via phone with husband translated from Spanish to English:

Me: I don't want a divorce.

Me: Did you get my message? (8 hours later)

Him: Yes. Why don't you want to if you don't have a future with me and you don't change?

Me: I am not the only one who would need to change but for the good of our girls. Many things will happen with the divorce and how we are now you can see them whenever you want to and when they get older and can voice when they want to see you they can also. Without a divorce they won't feel all the stress that the divorce will put on us. They will have the best of two worlds. If we do get a divorce they are going to feel it and they aren't going to understand and I don't want our decisions to hurt them. Also, that way if one day we are able to live together in a house and try to be a family again it will be easier because we will not have to change anything legally. Ya know?

Him: I have always understood you like my mom told me to. But you left me because I didn't have enough money and because with your family you have everything. That's what you wanted for my daughters; a better life. You have prohibited me from watching my daughters grow, from celebrating their birthdays and waking up every morning to give them a kiss and be with them during father's day even though she would have been sick (Buzzy was sick with a horrible cough and a fever on father's day) and many other things. I don't understand how today you want us to get back together one day and be a family if for all the time that I lived with you that is what I always wanted. I fought with all the strength of my hear to succeed and I told you let's make a business and you never supported me. You even told me that for you to get back together with me that I needed to have money and sign a paper so I would continue paying your family (we have a joint debt of about $50,000 that he hasn't paid in over two years) and those were the conditions you put.

Me: When we lived together you were not a part of our lives. You spent your time working and sleeping. I only left you because you hit me. Money never had anything to do with it. Nothing I ever did was sufficient for you and I felt extremely unstable because you would always threaten me about taking away things and not paying other things. Regarding Father's Day you were the one who said it was okay that she rested and on her birthday I never prohibited you from seeing her nor did I ask you to leave after you brought her present. You chose to do that. I want to best for our girls. That is all. You can see them whenever you want and from today forward if its in the evening I will prepare something for Breezy so she can go to sleep wherever we are.

Him: I spent all my time working because I didn't make sufficient money because every check I got from my second job was for your family (he never gave a single check to my family. We always had to wait until he could get money together) and you always complained about how there wasn't any money and another thing you always threatened to take my daughter and not let me see them and with deporting me. All parents want the best for their daughters, not just you and me. The only way I won't get a divorce with you is if we look for a place and live together and we start from the bottom when I start to make a little more money and if you don't want to than you will have to pardon me but I am going to continue with the divorce.

Me: There is no place that would accept a rental agreement with our bad credit. Or do you know of one?

Him: If I give two or three months worth of a deposit maybe we would find one and if not than we can declare bankruptcy and then we'll look.

Me: I don't think it's possible to find one.

Him: I'll investigate.

Me: Before you do that, if I am willing to do this are you willing to live in Wa?

Him: Wa DC?

Me: what?

Him: We can go live there in the capital Washington. To be with me daughters yes!

Me: Than your answer is yes you will live in Wa?

Him: If you want to make my car payment you can make it. Of course.

Me: Ok. I already made it 3 days ago.

Him: When? Why doesn't it appear or is it pending?

Me: I will call the bank.

Him: Ok

Me: They said I did in fact make the payment but it hasn't hit our bank yet.

NEXT DAY

He had asked me for the breakdown of our cell phone bill on Tuesday and I had forgotten so when I woke up I quickly jotted it down and texted it to him.

Me: Our bill is $ (and then I broke it down for our nephews phone lines)

Him: You know that is another thing that bother me about you. In place of saying first how did you wake up you only write me to tell me that something is due. If I get back together with you and one day, before I go to work I tell you I want eggs with ham like telling you to do it you wouldn't like it. On the contrary if I say hello my love how did you wake up? I would like for you to make me some eggs with ham please, it's very different.

Me:You know, texting isn't the same as talking. I just wanted you to know the numbers, and thats why I sent them before I forgot.

Him: It's the same thing. What you want to express is what you say in writing. This is what sometimes makes me think that you only care about the material and you try to make excuses before saying you're sorry.

Me: No, sorry but it's not the same. In e-mail and text it is not the same as talking. They are a medium of communication that doesn't use the same rules. Ask any american. (Because he always asks his Mexican girlfriends who side with him) And I already told you that nothing is more important to me than my daughters. You know what bothers me about you? That you accuse me of things that are normal for everyone except you. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry if I offended you by not saying hi first but thats how it is with texting. Like I said, ask any American waitress or waiter (that he works with)

Him: You're wrong. How do you understand what I'm saying? There are no rules. You can write whatever you want, express yourself however you want to. You have a keyboard. You could write an entire letter and say your sadnesses, your emotions and your happiness. If only my daughters are important to you and for you I am not normal why continue hurting you and you hurting me. Yesterday I told you that I want to have a beautiful relationship and stable where she and I share our feelings, our sadnesses, and we live without fighting. Enjoy life, make my wife and children feel important and that they're worth gold, be a romantic and understanding person. Plant something that I would like to harvest. Tell me what you have to offer?

Me: You say you want all that but how is that possible if you are always annoyed about one thing or another? I sent you what you asked me for and you got mad about something else. I can never do enough. How can I offer you anything if you are only going to get mad and go back to the same old thing. It's like you're always watching me to see what I do wrong, what I don't do at all, and what I do do that you don't like. There is nothing that I say or do that doesn't bother you. And if you are going to ask me why I want to continue this relationship than, I will repeat because I don't want to hurt our girls.

Him: I am always happy. You make my days bitter. The truth is that if it's just not to hurt my daughters than I prefer to continue with the divorce because when you left me, you should have thought about them and the consequences. I don't understand why before you wanted to get divorced and now you don't. If I don't mean anything to you and you don't love me and knowing you some day we'll end up getting a divorce anyway. I've told you before, you are cold in a million ways. I try to feed our relationship but you do nothing.

Me: You aren't happy. You are always angry with me. Maybe that's why I'm cold. I've told you a thousand times. I left you because you threatened me physically. That isn't a home for children.

Him: If you say I threatened you, how do you know I've changed? If you call me and ask me how I am do you think I will get upset? and then later you tell me you sent me the numbers for the phone. With respect about what you say about me always being mad, that isn't true. Sometimes I'm tired, stressed, and trying to enjoy the time I am with you and the girls but you are the opposite. You have always been a cold person and I've told you that. That's why when one person gives everything and receives nothing it gets tiring. You never say anything to make me feel good.

Me: Why did you marry me then?

Him: Because you were very different. Everything started because you asked me for money to pay your family knowing that every check from my second job was for him and you would get mad. I didn't have enough to go out and you got mad. I left everything , everything to follow the woman that I loved more than my life without getting anything in return. Now you tell me why you married me. I have to work. I'll see your answer later.

Me: The truth? I marred you because I loved you, because I thought we could be happy. The only problem was that I wasn't a woman. I was a little girl with very little life experience and even less relationship experience. I didn't know what love was. I thought it was okay that you treated me badly. I thought it was okay that you would threaten me every other day about leaving me and going back to Mexico. I thought it was ok that more than once you pushed me, covered my mouth and yelled at me. You always yelled at me the ugliest things and I thought it was normal. That it was ok. I didn't understand until way too late that it isn't ok. And you were a man with so much more experience in everything. That's another reason I don't understand what you wanted with me. I was 16 and you were 25. Oh and you said you didn't get anything. Maybe it's nothing for you but I spent so much time getting you your legal papers (as a resident of the United States - it was not easy to do) but no, you received NOTHING.

Him: Now you say I treated you badly but you were the one who always threatened me with taking our daughter and deporting me and when you got mad you yelled like a crazy woman. I asked you for our daughter and you hit me in the stomach and the face. You told me to leave, that you were going to take Buzzy and change her name so I couldn't ever see her. It's better for us to separate. Maybe you have always been right about me only knowing how to clean tables and play my keyboard. You deserve someone that can give you what you want and I'm going to feel good seeing you happy. I will know what I lost. I told you I don't want to fight. I'm almost 35 years old and I have many goals I want to reach that I've always dreamed about. Like when I asked you to be patient so we could move forward. Everything happens when it's supposed to like now that they've offered me my new second job. Little by little with my faith and asking God I will meet my goals. I don't want you to feel repressed by me. You can also find happiness that you didn't find with me. So we don't have to keep fighting like dogs and cats the rest of our lives. You are the kind of person who when we fight you tell everyone in your family and your friends. You don't know how to keep our problems. I'm sure Jessica and Denise (my two friends) know. Thats another reason we should not continue together. Maybe I wasn't a good husband but I fought with all the strength in my heart to make you happy and I never could. Monday I am going to see the lawyer.

Me: When you hit me while I was holding Buzzy I did tell you I was going to take her because you were violent and if I ever did hit you it was because you were threatening me physically. And again I told you I would leave with both girls when you hit me while I was standing in the doorway holding Breezy. I never had a reason to hit you except when you got violent with me and I NEVER threatened to change my daughters names. I wouldn't because I know it can't be done. There is nothing wrong with having friend with whom I can tell my problems. You showed me that that was wrong but it isn't You have wanted to control me with your threats but I am not the immature little girl with whom you married.

Interrupt here as I am texting. He called me not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 times in the span of 3 minutes. 3:31, again at 3:31, 3:32 and 3:34.

Me: (Continued from the previous text) What do you need to say. Why are you calling and calling? Do you want to talk to Buzzy?

Him: Why don't you answer your phone? I want to talk to you.

Me: Talk here.

Him: No, nevermind. From today forward I will not bother you. I only wanted to know if you took any money and it's not a threat. I always wanted and fought to live together again and be happy but now you know that it wasn't a threat.

Me: I haven't taken any money. I paid your car payment when you told me to and that was all.

The End

5 comments :

  1. Wow hun I know its alot. Trying to build or fix a relationship is one of the most difficult things ever. My heart goes out to you. Blessed be.

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  2. I'm confused, why did you request to stay with him? I think that was a mistake, for the both of you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Like I said, I had my reasons. Maybe when the divorce is final I will post thEm

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  4. hey girl
    wow I know this must be really hard for you, and I know you must have your reasons for everything you are doing. so all I can say is good luck and God bless, I hope everything works out for you.

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  5. I'm going thru a little bit of the same thing. It's soooo hard to let go. I'm here if you need to talk.

    ReplyDelete

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