Wednesday, July 28, 2010

AND IT ALL COMES CRASHING DOWN . . . AGAIN

I feel like a broken record or perhaps directions on a shampoo bottle.

LATHER . . . RINSE . . . REPEAT . . .

Only in my case it's more like:

EAT WELL . . . BINGE . . . REPEAT

I'd like to say I don't know why I do these things. I really would. Then I would have a psychological excuse that I could use. The problem, is that I know exactly why I have been eating well until dinner and then stuffing my mouth.

My ex.

I can almost hear the collective groan of boredom and frustration from my readers.

Why can't you just not let him affect you?
Why can't you ignore him?
You're just looking for an excuse to eat.
You are knowingly allowing him to enable you.
You are sabotaging yourself.

Yeah, I've heard it before. ALL of it.

The problem is, I am still the insecure 15 year old girl inside whenever he texts or calls me. The insecure 15 year old girl with 10 years of verbal and physical abuse heaped on top of all her insecurities. I did fabulous today. FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC! I even made one of the salads (AN UNNAMED TUNA-LETTUCE-RAISIN-CHEESE COMBINATION WITH RANCH DRESSING AND HONEY DIJON MUSTARD - IT ROCKED) But then he texted me.

In reality he had been texting me on and off all day but this one text just really threw me off. Apparently, after all that we have been through he STILL does not get that I don't want to be with him.

I told him as much.

And once again he says we need to get a divorce.

WELL HELLO!

In any case conversing with him is bad for me. Very very bad. It puts me in a mental state of vulnerability and insecurity that instantly has me seeking something substantial and tangible for comfort. Food.

FOOD!
FOOD!
FOOD!

DAMMIT!

When will I be able to let go of food?!?!

I'll admit that as I am typing this, tears are streaming down my face. Not for my husband or our relationship or what was our relationship or even what I wished our relationship could have been. Not for the abuse I have suffered or the threats I have heard or fear. Not for the inevitable divorce or what may come after. No. The reason I am crying has nothing to do with my ex. I am crying because I don't know when my dependence on food will become a healthy dependence. When will I stop looking to food for anything more than to nourishment? When will I stop looking at oreos and seeing a cream filled hug? When will I stop looking at candy and seeing a sugar coated kiss?

3 months ago in May when I reached the 50lb loss mark for the first time I thought I had done it. I was doing it. I had lost 50lbs! How easily that control slipped from my grasp.

I know weight loss journeys go through trials and tribulations. I know that there are ups and downs and it is a learning process. Hell, we wouldn't be fat if we knew it all and had it already figured out, right?

But this journey hurts. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before. Delving into the psychological reasons I physically feel the need to eat those cookies or that candy bar or that ENTIRE bag of chips. It's exhausting; mentally, physically, emotionally. It literally renders me useless by the end of each day and when my head hits the pillow I am asleep within minutes if not seconds.

Now, I know what I need to do. I was doing well on my BOX DIET. I allowed Mr. Ex to get to me, as usual . . . as I am writing this I just got a text from the Ex. I had previously texted about divorce that he just needed to tell me when.

And this is what he writes back. Tell me how you view this. I will write it in both English and Spanish in case there is any language barrier sentiment that I am missing and my bilingual readers might be able to point it out.

He said:

Spanish: Espero que nunca te arrepientas porque sera demasiado tarde. Como tu quieras
English: I hope you never regret this because then it will be to late. Whatever you want.

Now, I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a threat. What am I going to regret? Unless, once again he is talking about the girls in which case I hate that he uses them to try and push my buttons. If he isn't talking about the girls and he is just talking about me regretting not being with him or having no chance of being with him ever again, well than good riddance.

In any case, back to food. I have to admit to you, my bloggie readers, that this will probably be an enormous struggle for me until the divorce is final. It is very difficult for me to deal with a control freak, threats (especially dealing with my daughters) and keep it together 100% of the time. That is in no way to say I'm not going to try. I have no choice but to continue trying. I am not giving myself the option of completely giving up and going back to the life I was living 7 short months ago.

I want to reach my goal of between 130-160lbs more than almost anything in my entire life (only second to making sure my babies are happy, healthy and safe) and I will do it. Just a little slower than I had anticipated.

Oh, that stationary peddle bike I bought the other day. MOST HORRIBLE PURCHASE I HAVE EVER MADE. It was bent and crooked and when I tried to ride it I ended up with both legs straight out in front of me. Absolutely ridiculous, so it is going back. Friday I hope to be starting my workouts on my Lateral Thigh Trainer and on that note, do any of you have any suggestions or ideas of what I can do to keep a 1 and 2 year old occupied for 30-60 minutes while I do a workout video? I would do it while they are sleeping but they often sleep at different times.

And lastly I was contacted to do a giveaway on my blog and will be posting that soon. What kind of contest/challenge would my readers like to see?? Let me know.

The Fat Chick

8 comments :

  1. I just want to give you a big hug. The journey of losing weight is one of the hardest in life. Harder than being an alcoholic, smoker, drug taker, gambler, etc. The thing about food is that it is so readily available and we need to have it. You know, reading your post I think that he feels really threatened that you are finding yourself and that you know that there is a much better life after him. It doesnt sound like he wants you to be happy at all and he wants you to put on weight so that you can be miserable without him and then hide at home not meeting anyone else. This is how people who are eotionally abusive and manipulative work. Dont let him make you second guess your decision about your marraige. You know what life is like with him and always will be like if you were to stay with him. You and your daughters deserve more. We are all here to support you in blog world through this time. He wil be the one with regrets! x

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  2. I am sharing my WW leader, Rachel's, AMAZING egg story in response to your binging issues. It has really helped me: What happens when you get home from the store, and as you're putting the dozen eggs up, you break one? Do you dump all the rest of them on the floor? OF COURSE NOT--you clean the mess up and move on. Yeah, the binging is bad. Yeah, you're going off-box. There's nothing wrong with admitting it, but you can't beat yourself up for binging tonight forever! Start anew tomorrow because tomorrow is a new day!

    Try this--pick a comfort food you run to when dealing with the ex. Allow yourself to associate this food with the ex and pre-measure it out just in case. When you deal with the ex, you will have a portioned out "binge-worthy" food to eat. Eventually you can make the portions smaller and smaller until you don't need them (or he magically falls off the face of the Earth and stops contacting you...you know, whatever comes first!) any longer.

    You might try working the girls' competitive angles (idk if they have found those yet!) and have a coloring contest or something similar while you're working out, or get them involved, too! They may not be able to count quite yet, but they can watch you to make sure you are keeping your knees up, or lunging low enough, etc. And never underestimate the power of the book on tape/cd! Check out the local library for ideas maybe.

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  3. I didn't take it as a threat like he is going to come after you but how I read it (my add-ons in brackets) is like he hopes you don't regret {the divorce} because then it will be too late {to get him back.} Which you shouldn't want anyway!

    I also like the suggestion by "losing it" to have a pre-portioned binge food that you can go to for comfort. Like put 4 Oreos in a Ziploc and when you have a bad moment, you can have those 4 Oreos (now, only 4 Oreos would be great for me since I could eat a whole row, but you pick the portion that is right for you) . Emergency Oreos! :)

    And hugs! Don't let him bring you down. You are so strong and even when he is being difficult, I STILL think you are strong for coming as far as you have!

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  4. Oh, girl. I feel your pain. Over 14 years ago, I was in your shoes. A terrible ex, an agonizingly painful divorce, and two little ones under the age of 5 at home. I wish I could hold myself up as some shining example of how I conquered my emotional eating. Unfortunately, I can't. You are very smart to try and conquer this now and not just give yourself over to food and the double-edged comfort it can provide. My divorce instilled a habit that landed me 100 pounds overweight 14 years later. My babies aren't babies anymore, however, but have grown into two fantastic young adults. On the single mom front, I might be able to give some good advice. LOL. I wrote a post on my blog recently about hoarding joy, about not letting others (even loved ones) steal our joy from us. I thought about it when I read your post and that maybe you could get something from it. You may visit my blog if you like. And as that old Chinese proverb goes: Fall down 7 times, get up 8. Just hang in there and don't give up.

    my blog: http://toosexy4thisfat.blogspot.com/

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  5. I feel the same way. I'll eat really well for a day or so, maybe even longer, & then just ruin it all with a binge. Then, just repeat all over again. It sucks, just wish it was possible to stay on the 'eating healthy' track without going out on a full-on binge! :(

    BUt, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Your ex. divorce. and then your poor daughters having to go through it as well. Any relationship has lead to food, which sucks. It always ends on a bad note and so I guess I feel food fills that "empty void" in my life. At the time it always sounds like a wonderful idea, but then afterward, I realize how bad of an idea it actually was.

    I hope you get things figured out. Be happy again and not have food lead your life. That is something I am still working on, cause once you make a habit, it is very difficult to break.
    Good luck!

    Taylor
    http://taynicole15.blogspot.com/

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  6. I didn't sense any over threat, either, but a certain arrogance is all I got. A sort of implication that you WILL regret the divorce with a patronizing sort of dismissive: "Have it your way. But you're making a dumbass decision."

    Seems to me you need to block his texts and open an email account just to use for NECESSARY communication with him that you only check when you're full and give yourself some pumping up. And you need to tell him that you won't discuss regrets or relationship anymore and only necessary legal/daughters-related communication is allowed with you at X email and you will block him from all other communication. Train yourself to IMMEDIATELY DELETLE anything that is not essential, anything triggering. DELETE IMMEDIATELY...and then go have tea or something as you do whatever affirmations, prayers, etc you need to do to calm down before you so much as think letting food pass your mouth. It sounds like behavioral modification because it is. You need to set a new pattern of what you do when he does his thang--instead of "He does X, I get upset, I go eat" you need to retrain to "He sends X message, I delete X message, I say a prayer/affirmation, I go have tea or water or a walk or put on a happy song or call a friend...but not head for food." Do that enough times and it's a habit. You delete him out of your pattern and connection with food.

    You need to take control and, quite frankly, stop texting with him. Period. He can still control you if he can get you to read his texts/respond to them.

    You take control--and tell him you won't.

    Man, now I sound like the bossy control freak. :) But it makes me so sad to read this. Anyway, I believe in you to overcome this. I really do. Just as i believe poisons and tyrants should be avoided and overthrown. Get your New Me Revolution going strong again....today.

    Hugs, girl...get your GRRL on. :D

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  7. Is there a way you can block his communication?

    We all have the catalyst, whether it's an ex, boss, rough day at work, argument with friend... we all have that thing that sends us beelining to food.

    For me, I had to put a sign on my fridge that said, "if hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution." Does it work? About 50% of time. It just creates a little pause for me to ask myself "Why the fuck are you doing this?" Again, it's not always successful, but...

    You're doing the right thing. Getting away from a bad situation and focusing your time and energy on something that will yield positive results every time -- you and your health.

    Keep going! :)

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  8. Awww crap. I just typed out a whole comment...and since I wasn't signed into blogger, when I came back here it was gone.

    In short, I have an ex too who would pull me in, spit me out, pull me in...over and over and over again. It's so freaking unhealthy. I'm finding myself being pulled back in. It sucks. I hate it.

    Good luck with your dealings with him, God knows it takes strength to deal with those kinds of things.

    Keep your chin up, there are better things out there.

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