LATHER . . . RINSE . . . REPEAT . . .
Only in my case it's more like:
EAT WELL . . . BINGE . . . REPEAT
I'd like to say I don't know why I do these things. I really would. Then I would have a psychological excuse that I could use. The problem, is that I know exactly why I have been eating well until dinner and then stuffing my mouth.
I can almost hear the collective groan of boredom and frustration from my readers.
Why can't you just not let him affect you?
Why can't you ignore him?
You're just looking for an excuse to eat.
You are knowingly allowing him to enable you.
You are sabotaging yourself.
Yeah, I've heard it before. ALL of it.
The problem is, I am still the insecure 15 year old girl inside whenever he texts or calls me. The insecure 15 year old girl with 10 years of verbal and physical abuse heaped on top of all her insecurities. I did fabulous today. FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC! I even made one of the salads (AN UNNAMED TUNA-LETTUCE-RAISIN-CHEESE COMBINATION WITH RANCH DRESSING AND HONEY DIJON MUSTARD - IT ROCKED) But then he texted me.
In reality he had been texting me on and off all day but this one text just really threw me off. Apparently, after all that we have been through he STILL does not get that I don't want to be with him.
I told him as much.
And once again he says we need to get a divorce.
In any case conversing with him is bad for me. Very very bad. It puts me in a mental state of vulnerability and insecurity that instantly has me seeking something substantial and tangible for comfort. Food.
When will I be able to let go of food?!?!
I'll admit that as I am typing this, tears are streaming down my face. Not for my husband or our relationship or what was our relationship or even what I wished our relationship could have been. Not for the abuse I have suffered or the threats I have heard or fear. Not for the inevitable divorce or what may come after. No. The reason I am crying has nothing to do with my ex. I am crying because I don't know when my dependence on food will become a healthy dependence. When will I stop looking to food for anything more than to nourishment? When will I stop looking at oreos and seeing a cream filled hug? When will I stop looking at candy and seeing a sugar coated kiss?
3 months ago in May when I reached the 50lb loss mark for the first time I thought I had done it. I was doing it. I had lost 50lbs! How easily that control slipped from my grasp.
I know weight loss journeys go through trials and tribulations. I know that there are ups and downs and it is a learning process. Hell, we wouldn't be fat if we knew it all and had it already figured out, right?
But this journey hurts. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before. Delving into the psychological reasons I physically feel the need to eat those cookies or that candy bar or that ENTIRE bag of chips. It's exhausting; mentally, physically, emotionally. It literally renders me useless by the end of each day and when my head hits the pillow I am asleep within minutes if not seconds.
Now, I know what I need to do. I was doing well on my BOX DIET. I allowed Mr. Ex to get to me, as usual . . . as I am writing this I just got a text from the Ex. I had previously texted about divorce that he just needed to tell me when.
And this is what he writes back. Tell me how you view this. I will write it in both English and Spanish in case there is any language barrier sentiment that I am missing and my bilingual readers might be able to point it out.
Spanish: Espero que nunca te arrepientas porque sera demasiado tarde. Como tu quieras
English: I hope you never regret this because then it will be to late. Whatever you want.
Now, I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a threat. What am I going to regret? Unless, once again he is talking about the girls in which case I hate that he uses them to try and push my buttons. If he isn't talking about the girls and he is just talking about me regretting not being with him or having no chance of being with him ever again, well than good riddance.
In any case, back to food. I have to admit to you, my bloggie readers, that this will probably be an enormous struggle for me until the divorce is final. It is very difficult for me to deal with a control freak, threats (especially dealing with my daughters) and keep it together 100% of the time. That is in no way to say I'm not going to try. I have no choice but to continue trying. I am not giving myself the option of completely giving up and going back to the life I was living 7 short months ago.
I want to reach my goal of between 130-160lbs more than almost anything in my entire life (only second to making sure my babies are happy, healthy and safe) and I will do it. Just a little slower than I had anticipated.
Oh, that stationary peddle bike I bought the other day. MOST HORRIBLE PURCHASE I HAVE EVER MADE. It was bent and crooked and when I tried to ride it I ended up with both legs straight out in front of me. Absolutely ridiculous, so it is going back. Friday I hope to be starting my workouts on my Lateral Thigh Trainer and on that note, do any of you have any suggestions or ideas of what I can do to keep a 1 and 2 year old occupied for 30-60 minutes while I do a workout video? I would do it while they are sleeping but they often sleep at different times.
And lastly I was contacted to do a giveaway on my blog and will be posting that soon. What kind of contest/challenge would my readers like to see?? Let me know.
The Fat Chick