Wednesday, July 21, 2010

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX

To be completely honest, after the last bout of controversial drama I wasn’t sure if I should publish this post tonight. That lasted all of about 60 seconds (60 seconds too long) and I reminded myself that this is my blog. I will write what I will write, period.

So, this deserves a MINOR’S DISCLAIMER. This post is intended for mature-adult audiences and may contain detailed and/or graphic information of a sexual nature. It is not in any way intended for any child under the age of 18.

So, earlier today Bitch Cakes (who I love, and will repeat that I love her and her blog again and again because she is just so awesome and inspirational) tweeted that she missed sex. She said she missed sex more than any food and something strange came over me. It was weird. I couldn’t relate and not because food is my end all. No, not that at all. I responded to her that I wished I could miss sex but that unfortunately I had never had an experience worth missing, and as I tweeted that I became very sad. Sad, because it was unequivocally and undeniably true. Those eight words hit a nerve and I literally sat for several moments trying to negate their validity. I couldn’t.

I am 25 years old. I have had sex with 2 men. Only with one was it consensual. I had one boyfriend in high school before my husband. We’ll call him Bobby. Bobby was a pervert and only interested in one thing. It almost happened, but never did. Then I met Bobby #2 because obviously I didn’t have enough Bobby’s in my life. (For the record, though their names were not actually Bobby they both shared the same name) Bobby #2 was 29 years older than me when I was 14. Yes, that means he was 43. 2 years after I met Bobby #2 he was put in jail for over 50 counts of statutory rape, rape and other charges. Those 50 counts were only for me and my best friend who had the bad fortune of being with me. Bobby#2 was put in jail for 5 years. To this day when I hear his REAL name, I shudder. In fact, one of my favorite actor’s shares Bobby’s real name and I have to call the actor by his most popular character’s name because otherwise the freak-out factor becomes too much for me.

As those who have read my blog for any length of time have read again and again, I met my now ex husband when I was 15. We became a couple when I was 15. He was 24 soon to be 25. I thought the sun and the moon and stars revolved around him. Now, when I look back I know I was blinded by the attention he gave me and my insecure need for that attention and acceptance.

We didn’t have real sex until I was 17. We had plenty of what some might call *dry* sex – or sex with clothes on. But the transition from dry to real sex was anticlimactic and very quickly began to feel like a chore. He expected it, I gave it and then we moved on to what I thought were more enjoyable activities, like watching movies or going out to eat, going to the beach or even just watching television. There is not one sexual experience in my past that I can look back on and say, Wow that was good. Or I miss that. Or I hope I find that again. I hate that I have two daughters and I cannot look back at their conception (because I know exactly which sexual experience each was conceived by – yes, I was that repulsed that I kept track of how often so I could use excuses not to when it got to be too much)

In fact my mental image of sex is so distorted that I actually cannot fathom ever having sex again. I cannot fathom enjoying sex. It feels too primal, too out of control, too uncomfortable, and too messy. Once upon a time I thought that Bobby #2 had ruined the idea of sex for me. I guess that is part of the equation. Then I thought that if I lost all my weight surely I would be able to enjoy sex. Well even at my thinnest of 203, I did not enjoy sex with my then boyfriend soon to be husband and now ex. So, sometimes I think well if I get down to goal – if I get down to between 130-150 then surely THEN I will be able to enjoy sex. I guess we’ll just have to see. Right now I cannot fathom it.

25 years old and not one memorable sexual experience. A ten year relationship without one moment of true bonding. Not one moment of truly feeling a part and loved and wanted. Instead, I constantly felt used and then neglected.

So, now I sit here and wonder. Will I forever feel this deep revulsion at the idea of sex? Is it something within me that I will never be able to extract? Or will one day I be able to find the one person who will truly complete me and with that person surely THEN I will be able to enjoy sex. I suppose only time will tell.

If you are willing to share, do you enjoy sex regardless of your past/body image issues? And if so, do you have any wisdom to impart to me on how in the future, should the right man come along that I too might be able to enjoy one of the most beautiful gifts God has given us?
The Fat Chick

7 comments :

  1. I have a similar problem. I have been going to therapy to find that passion that sex ought to have. I learned sex through rape and abuse so it's been hard to learn love making with my husband. It feels good but I have no connection. I feel intimate with my husband through watching TV, playing D&D, and hugging or dancing, not through sex. I don't really have any advice, but I have hope. Hope for you and for me. I'll let you know if I come up with some great advice from my counseling.

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  2. I enjoy sex (and would happily have it every day now that menopause has taken the fear of pregnancy out of the way) with my hubby of 27 years. Even though I got to 299 lbs, he never was critical of my fat body, always called me beautiful and made me feel cherished. In our bedroom, I dont' feel judged at all, so I can relax and just enjoy myself.

    I have not been abused as you have, so that likely plays its part. I've been orgasmic since puberty--when I found out on my own what my body could do. Woohoo. But I was raised very religiously, and my goal was not to have sex until marriage. I gave in to a summer infatuation when I was 20, but that was short-lived and while I really liked the sex, I didn't like the emotional feeling of doing it without commitment. So, I didn't ahve intercourse again until my wedding night 3 summers after my deflowering. Hubby was a virgin, also due to his spiritual reasons. But we both strongly believed--and still do--that while we shouldn't do it out of marriage, in marriage, we should ahve loads and loads of fun. So...we do. I mean, I totally feel like God wants us to enjoy it and have a great bonding time, have great orgasms, just cuddle, whatever, but to be close as man and wife. So, having cosmic permission to have joy in bed ...I do think thinking this way has been part of not feeling hung up about sex and even doing stuff my mom would have shaken her head at. :D

    My best friend stayed a virgin until she got married at 33 (one week shy of 34, to be honest), and she's had a great, great marriage. So, I think one might not find Mr. Right for a long time, and I hope your Mr. Right is someone who makes you feel so beautiful and loved that you will have great joy in bed.

    I will say that if you ahve not gotten counseling, you do it. Really. Find a sensitive, qualified person to discuss these past abuse matters and how to get to a place where your body is back to being fully yours to enjoy and to give to your beloved to enjoy, too, without it being a chore.

    If someoen wanted to be celibate, no biggie. Sex isn't everything. But I think you WANT to have that mind-blowingly wonderful thing happen in the intimacy arena, so I wish that for you.

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  3. It's always heartbreaking to hear stories like yours. When I was younger, I developed early and I was extremely tall so I didn't look like girls my age. It got me lots of unwanted attention from grown men and I was repulsed. Alot of that unwanted attention was from my mom's boyfriend which made me feel even more disgusted with myself. It lasted from when I was 9 til I was 15. Mainly just inappropriate touching, sometimes more. Then my mom had an accident and was bed ridden, then wasn't able to work. So the window of opportunity closed.
    It still makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. My relationship with my mother is very strained, I don't go around alot because he's still her boyfriend and he still creeps me out.
    I never told anyone, but my friend in high school suspected something was wrong at home. Her parents both offered numerous times to give me a place to stay. My friend would tell me I'd cry in my sleep alot or I'd wake up in a panic attack.
    I still wake up in the middle of the night terrified sometimes. In my panic I get out of bed, I check my locks and push things in front of the door so no one can get in while I'm sleeping. It's something I don't think I'll ever get over.
    I had a lot of shame about that, shame about my body, I packed on quite a bit of weight in school because I didn't want men to look at me or find me attractive. (Men finding me attractive still weirds me out alot. I don't know how to handle men finding me sexy most of the time. Usually I have to drink to not find it disgusting.)
    After I left home after high school I actually started having sex. My sex life was really bi polar. I'd either be completely down and couldn't stand for anyone to touch me or I'd be in a manic high, having sex with guys I didn't care about and who didn't care about me. I didn't care fi they used me for sex because being used was something I was used to.
    I won't lie it felt good to have these guys. I may be fat but I got really hot guys. I only had sex with one person who would be deemed unattractive. It didn't matter if these hot guys wouldn't ever look twice at me in public.
    I really hate seeing how little I devalued myself back then and the risky situations I put myself in. During this time, I was also date raped by a guy I was casually dating. As fucked up as it sounds, I'm happy that's the worst that happened to me.
    I had sex but it was just sex. It wasn't really enjoyable but it wasn't unenjoyable if that makes sense. It felt good enough. Then a couple years ago, I met a man who just completely changed how I felt about being sexual. He was amazing both as a person and physically. He made me feel like a woman as cliche as that sounds. There was desire in his touch and kisses. It was a great experience.
    After him, I stopped meeting guys for sex.
    I decided I deserved to be more than just someone's cum dump or late night booty call. And lucky for me I found someone, we still haven't had sex, we're taking it slow and people find that odd. But he's the first person who knows me. I told him about everything that happened to me because I wanted him to know why I act the way I act sometimes. There's still times I can't stand to be touched and left alone. It's nothing to do with him and he understands. He's a caring guy and doesn't want me to do anything I'm not ready for.
    I certainly don't recommend you go about things the way I have but it is possible to reclaim your sexual being. It's just a matter of healing, finding the right person and putting your guard down long enough to enjoy it.

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  5. Oh sweetie, I think all woman have body issuses. And the flubber tire that I wear as a stomach makes me cringe sometimes. But you have more than body issues. Unfortunately you never had that deep intimate amazing bond that comes sometimes with sex. When My XAH first left I became a total girlwhore. I went out looking for it to make sure I still had "it". And sometimes I am not proud of myself for the slew of partners I had. And not until I met the FK here at 28 did I ever have anything in which you can call ground breaking sex. Mind u I was with MY XAH for 9 and something years. So Have faith chicky

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  6. hey girl
    I nominated you for an award
    check out my blog to get it and for the rules :)

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  7. If It makes you feel better I've had issues with intimacy and sex my whole live... I'm afraid to get close to someone for fear of rejection and I've never gone through the crap you went through. Still I have this damn hangup that I can't get over and I don't know where it came from. It's annoying. I want that intimacy with a man to be able to just let go, but instead i've stayed away from sex for an embarrassing 7 years! I have body image issues, self esteem issues. Fear issues...A man hits on me and I feel like it's creepy rather than sincere as who would truly want to be with a fat chick? I'm truly a bloody mess! lol..... I too hope that I will meet someone one day that will take all my anxieties away and we'll have this connection like no other. I really hope then I can relax and enjoy!

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