This morning at 10:30 I got this text from the ex: (Red italics are my input on his text)
Good Morning before anything. You know, now that I have gotten it out (because I guess he told some work friends about our entire situation) I see things differently. If you didn't want to try to fix everything again I understand because I have experienced things living with you that have stayed in the past. Like when I got really sick (the man had a migraine and thought he was on his deathbed - plus I was newly released from the hospital after my c-section with Breezy) and I asked you to take me to the doctor and you didn't do it. When I got a ticket (for driving in the carpool lane without any other passengers) I asked you to accompany me to the court and you told me that I got the ticket. (I also had two babies, 1 and a few months old - downtown court house in another state is not a place for them) And even though I paid your grandpa with every check from *my first job* you said that to get back together I needed to sign a paper that I was going to continue paying your grandpa. Despite all this like my mom said, forget all that son. Be happy above all for your daughters so they don't suffer. I did that. I understood and I left it all in the past. You know well that I didn't threaten you. I simply told you that if you didn't let me see my daughters that are the most beautiful thing in my life after my parents (DID YOU CATCH THAT? HIS DAUGHTERS COME AFTER HIS PARENTS) that I was going to ask for a divorce. I'm not mad. (Uh, okay that last sentence didn't make sense but that's what he said)
And yes, I am quite aware that this text is extremely choppy and almost unintelligible. But it isn;t my translation. I really think he has problems expressing himself, in anyway and this is just evidence of that.
This was my response. The first time I have really ever stood up and told him to leave me alone. However, being the person I am and considering these texts could be used for or against either one of us I had to clarify:
I don't know why you sent me all that. Obviously you haven't left anything in the past but that isn't important. To clarify I didn't take you to the doctor because I had two small babies that needed me. I didn't accompany you to court for the same reason. It wasn't a place for babies. And honestly, it isn't important now but you didn't give every check from *your first job* to my grandpa. You only paid him when you had enough. Also to clarify another thing. You have threatened me so many times that I can't even count them. From the beginning of our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend you have always threatened me with one thing or another. And finally, I'm asking you that unless it is to talk directly to or about our daughters or to talk about bills and the money going toward those bills please leave me alone. I have my daughters to take care of and don't have time to read or write this ridiculousness. Thanks.
Now, I guess we'll just see if he complies. I hope so. If he doesn't I am contemplating having a restraining order written up. I just can't take this anymore. When I saw his text this morning my heart literally started beating in my throat. He has such control over me, such fear inducing presence even just through text that he affects my physical health. My heart didn't relax and I didn't feel better until nearly an hour later (well after I had set the phone down) and after I had taken a nice warm relaxing shower. Only then did my pulse return to normal and my mind felt more at ease. AAAGGGHHH!!
I have been good though. I haven't binged. In fact I have consciously NOT even entered the kitchen at all today while I was feeling stressed. I had a bowl of chex with 2% milk (1 cup/ea) for breakfast. A lean cuisine quesadilla with a dollop of sour cream and veggie chips for lunch and a tall nonfat mocha for snack. To stay under 1500 cals for the day I still have 700 calories left for dinner and/or snack dessert and I will be okay. One day, one meal, one minute at a time.
I really don't think I could do it without you people out there who so openly support me. And a special thanks to Miss L (you know who you are) who sent me a most wonderful e-mail. I appreciate it more than I can express with words. I cried and I smiled and I felt very united with you. Thank you! Thank you!
PS: Meagan, thank you for your comment as well. How is your babykins? The mini elliptical you asked about in my previous post was bought online for $99. I had it shipped normal but came the next day and with tax and S&H it was $120. It's a fantastic product. My only complaint is it's heavy and keep Miss A. away cuz the rollers could really hurt her.
The Fat Chick