Sunday, July 25, 2010

TRYING TO FILL A VOID

Yesterday my sister and I went to see a movie. It was quite enjoyable. My grandma watched the girls and I was free for a blissful 2.5 hours.

Then we came home and something was wrong. Very wrong.

Once both my sister and I were inside the house my grandma told us that my mom had been having chest pains and left shoulder/arm pain for the past few days (and hadn't told anyone except my grandma) and that they had gotten worse and she had taken herself to urgent care. At the urgent care clinic my mom was told she was in no position to drive but needed to get to the ER immediately. In hindsight, it bothers me that they said this.


Once at at ER (my aunt drove her) they gave her an EKG (a heart test basically) took X-rays, took blood and put in 3 different IVs. WHAT?!?! Why 3? After waiting for 4 hours for test results everything came back normal. EVERY-THING. The doctors basically told my mom they could give her pain meds (in the form of prescription Morphine - wasn't that for people who are dying??) or do a stress test. She declined both. They never used any of the 3 IV sites they placed and so now I want to know why the urgent care was so URGENT about her getting to the ER.


And today, her chest is still tight. Her arm and back still hurt. She is still short of breath. Her eyes are bright red and water involuntarily without and provocation. It's just weird and not right.

So, all today I have really been struggling with not feeding my stress. I have wanted to use food to comfort myself and in some ways I guess I have but not in the binging ways I normally would. Instead, I have eaten good portions of good food, just perhaps too much. Like, a portion of saltines with mild cheddar but immediately followed by a nectarine, immediately followed by some grapes, immediately followed by . . . well you get the idea. I have been stuffing my face with good foods which I suppose is almost as bad as stuffing my face with crap? Regardless, I keep feeling like I am trying to fill this sudden void that has appeared and nothing is helping. My mouth feels dry and tasteless and I want something to coat it. My stomach feels empty and growly and yet heavy and achy and I want something to fill it, to soothe it, to make it better. But nothing I eat helps and nothing I can think of that we don't have sounds good.

Yesterday was just so awful and to see my mom in the condition she is in right now, it's scary. Yesterday on the way to the hospital I kept yo-yo-ing between extreme worry and extreme calm. I kept imagining that the worst would happen before we got there and then immediately I would feel calm, as if that was absurd and ridiculous and she was perfectly fine. That nothing like that could ever happen to her, to us which would in turn have my logical side saying, but it can and it could and it might which had me yo-yo-ing once again. It was awful.

Then, as if the worry about my mom was sufficient to send my stress levels through the roof, Buzzy has really been testing me today. She wants to see her Nana and doesn't understand that her Nana doesn't feel good, that she can't play and read and do all the things she normally does. Therefore her tantrums have intensified exponentially. What would normally be 1 or 2 in a day have now turned into every time something doesn't go her way. Jumping up and down, incoherent screaming, throwing things, hitting. ((sigh)) and to top it off the ex keeps texting me. Asking me how we woke up, what are we doing and why and then he calls and calls and calls and I just don't have time to answer what with taking care of children, trying to make sure my mom is okay while simultaneously trying not to bother her so she can rest. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. (haha, just a bit - that's funny)

So now, in an attempt to get my mind off of things I am trying to get it all out on here. My girls are watching Spongebob with their cousin while my mom sleeps, my stepdad is watching his own TV shows in a different room, my sister is surfing the web or some such teenage stuff, my aunt is cutting my grandpa's hair and everyone is calm - quiet- relaxed. Not me. I feel like a volcano ready to erupt so I am making the attempt to 'erupt' here and not in real life. Get it all out here so that maybe I can remain calm and sane and human for my family.
I must go now. The dinner I will either eat very little or too much of is being served. **wince**

The Fat Chick

8 comments :

  1. Keep us updated on how your mother is doing!! Pretty scary!!

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  2. I am sorry she is going through this.
    I will pray for her. I was hoping that she would be better today!!
    If you need anything I am here for you!

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  3. Hey, Keep an eye on your ma, take her to a different hospital if this keeps up.
    The doctors aren't always right.
    hang in there.

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  4. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. And tell your mom to be a pest. If she knows something's wrong, don't accept what the doctor's are telling her. Keeping going until she gets answers!

    Hang in there!

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  5. I hope special healing graces come upon your mom. And some good graces to you, too.

    Not that I did well during my mother's illness (more severe than your mom, and it was a long hard dying for her). I gained 40 lbs in 8 months just from stress eating watching her in agonizing pain while trying to take care of her bedbound needs with a cheerful demeanor so as to cheer her up. Was hard. A blessing in some ways, but a heart-render in others. I only just this week got off the weight I put on in those months 6 years ago. Yeah, I know, I'm slow.

    So, use me as a cautionary tale. Do a lot of praying and quality mom-time and pushing her into whatever medical care she needs to address this. But do not stress eat. Find another outlet for the stress/anxiety/worry. Because it's really easy going on, and real hard coming off. :(

    God bless..

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  6. Have her Dr check her gallbladder if she still has it. It just takes an ultrasound. I just had to have mine removed and when I had an attack it felt like a heart attack. My back and shoulder hurt as well as my chest and arm though. I hope they figure it out and you can relax some.

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  7. the three IVs were put in just in case something did go wrong. If it did they would have to give her stat IV medications and get it in her fast.

    they didn't tell her to drive because having chest tightness and arm pain are signs of a possible heart attack and driving when that happens is NOT GOOD!

    I'm happy to hear that everything was fine, but the fact she's still having issues makes me wonder. Back pain in woman is also another sign. Why doesn't she do the stress test? In my opinion it's better to get it checked out and be normal than to not and have something go wrong down the road.

    Good for you for stuffing your face with healthy foods. That's huge!

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  8. oh that last part of my note sounded a bit sarcastic. It's not. I do congratulate you on not pigging out on fried foods etc...etc....during times of stress. I'm not sure I have that one down pat yet.

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