I have had a headache for the past 2 days.
Partially stress induced.
Mostly sugar induced.
I went on a shopping spree the other day at the market.
It wasn’t full of fruits and veggies and lean meats either.
No. Rather it was full of oreos, grasshoppers (if you don’t know what they are think girl scout cookie ‘thin mints), chips and dip, garlic bagel chips, ice cream snicker bars, lofthouse raspberry icing sugar cookies, and the list goes on and on and on and on.
I’ve been a mess. A complete and utter mess.
I can’t seem to drag myself out of this self-sabotage, junk binging rut. I want to. I think.
I have felt lethargic.
I think a very small portion of my depression comes from the distance I feel from my family. Unless the entire family is getting together I am not invited to things. I can only assume because they don’t want babies present for whatever it is they’re doing or it is just inconvenient to have little ones around but I am sure that is the reason. Or maybe my crappy mood is the reason. Regardless, I am not invited when people go out to lunch. I am not invited when people go out to coffee. I’m not invited to go shopping, or to do anything fun, UNLESS everyone is going. But even then I drive alone with my girls. I have to ask someone to go with me. It is a very rare occasion when someone offers and I truly believe it is more out of pity than a true want to be with me and the girls. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m hallucinating and just full of self pity.
I feel pathetic.
I am pathetic.
I don’t want to care how much time my family does or does not spend with me. I just don’t want to care.
Today is an extended family member’s birthday party. First I was told I couldn’t eat the food unless I gave a portion of money which I do not have. That was fine. I understood. Then I was told that I needed to buy the birthday girl a card because they’re generous enough to invite me to their house (as if they aren’t family!) I feel very estranged. My aunt seems to snipe at me and look at me and roll her eyes. My mom is CONSTANTLY berating me for not doing enough as a mom. She berates me when I’m not teaching my girls enough, and when I’ve taught them so well that they are self sufficient in whatever I have taught them and then she says I am not participating in their life.
In addition to feeling estranged, I feel attacked from every side.
Then to top it all off, as if that isn’t all enough, my ex texts me and tells me he wants me to move back in with him. Not just that he wants me to move back in with him but this long sad sob story about how horrible he feels without us and how he thinks of us every moment of every day and when he sees children at his work it makes him want to cry which is affecting his work moral. AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
I didn’t weigh yesterday. No reason. I know the scale is up. WAAY up! ((sigh))
I feel like the only thing I have going for me are my books and even then I read them over and wonder why in a world of talented writers that any agent or publisher would want my book. I’m not special. I’m average at best. What makes me think I’ll succeed? Regardless that is the only hope I have of ever getting out of my mom’s house and any financial obligation to anybody else. So, I queried 25 agents last night and resubmitted my revised manuscript to an agent who had read and rejected the original. I am hoping to have a couple more manuscript requests with the ultimate result of eventually snagging an agent. We’ll see. Only time will tell.
Now that I have gotten all that off my chest, I won’t be surprised if I lose some followers. It seems whenever I get into these little ruts of mine that I inevitably lose people. That’s ok and I understand. In a world full of pessimism sometimes you just don’t want the weight of other people’s problems on top of your own. OR you agree that I am pathetic. LOL In any case, that’s all I have to write.
Will attempt a more optimistic post at a later date.