Saturday, August 21, 2010

I'M ALIVE

Barely.

I have had a headache for the past 2 days.

Partially stress induced.

Mostly sugar induced.

I went on a shopping spree the other day at the market.

It wasn’t full of fruits and veggies and lean meats either.

No. Rather it was full of oreos, grasshoppers (if you don’t know what they are think girl scout cookie ‘thin mints), chips and dip, garlic bagel chips, ice cream snicker bars, lofthouse raspberry icing sugar cookies, and the list goes on and on and on and on.

I’ve been a mess. A complete and utter mess.

I can’t seem to drag myself out of this self-sabotage, junk binging rut. I want to. I think.

I have felt lethargic.

Lazy.

Bored.

Uninspired.

Unmotivated.

Alone.

I think a very small portion of my depression comes from the distance I feel from my family. Unless the entire family is getting together I am not invited to things. I can only assume because they don’t want babies present for whatever it is they’re doing or it is just inconvenient to have little ones around but I am sure that is the reason. Or maybe my crappy mood is the reason. Regardless, I am not invited when people go out to lunch. I am not invited when people go out to coffee. I’m not invited to go shopping, or to do anything fun, UNLESS everyone is going. But even then I drive alone with my girls. I have to ask someone to go with me. It is a very rare occasion when someone offers and I truly believe it is more out of pity than a true want to be with me and the girls. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m hallucinating and just full of self pity.

I feel pathetic.

I am pathetic.

I don’t want to care how much time my family does or does not spend with me. I just don’t want to care.

Today is an extended family member’s birthday party. First I was told I couldn’t eat the food unless I gave a portion of money which I do not have. That was fine. I understood. Then I was told that I needed to buy the birthday girl a card because they’re generous enough to invite me to their house (as if they aren’t family!) I feel very estranged. My aunt seems to snipe at me and look at me and roll her eyes. My mom is CONSTANTLY berating me for not doing enough as a mom. She berates me when I’m not teaching my girls enough, and when I’ve taught them so well that they are self sufficient in whatever I have taught them and then she says I am not participating in their life.

In addition to feeling estranged, I feel attacked from every side.

Then to top it all off, as if that isn’t all enough, my ex texts me and tells me he wants me to move back in with him. Not just that he wants me to move back in with him but this long sad sob story about how horrible he feels without us and how he thinks of us every moment of every day and when he sees children at his work it makes him want to cry which is affecting his work moral. AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t weigh yesterday. No reason. I know the scale is up. WAAY up! ((sigh))

I feel like the only thing I have going for me are my books and even then I read them over and wonder why in a world of talented writers that any agent or publisher would want my book. I’m not special. I’m average at best. What makes me think I’ll succeed? Regardless that is the only hope I have of ever getting out of my mom’s house and any financial obligation to anybody else. So, I queried 25 agents last night and resubmitted my revised manuscript to an agent who had read and rejected the original. I am hoping to have a couple more manuscript requests with the ultimate result of eventually snagging an agent. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

Now that I have gotten all that off my chest, I won’t be surprised if I lose some followers. It seems whenever I get into these little ruts of mine that I inevitably lose people. That’s ok and I understand. In a world full of pessimism sometimes you just don’t want the weight of other people’s problems on top of your own. OR you agree that I am pathetic. LOL In any case, that’s all I have to write.

Will attempt a more optimistic post at a later date.

XO Kristen

10 comments :

  1. You are NOT pathetic and you will not lose me as a follower. :)

    I'm so sorry for all the struggles you are going through right now. Continue to let it all out! Writing can be great therapy, and if people stop reading your posts, they probably weren't very supportive to begin with.

    :) Annie

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  2. I know how you feel... I was in the same place about 11 years ago as you are. And no one wanted me around bc I was the only one with a kid. You're not alone.

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  3. I'm so sorry that your family alienates you like that, it's not fair...But it's good you're getting it off your chest here in a positive and safe place where we can all help you through it :) Don't worry you won't loose me as a follower!

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  4. Aww... You are not losing me. Sorry. ;)

    I am so sorry that you are having such a shitty time of it, right now and I really, really want to slap the snot out of a few people for you. Family is supposed to band together, accept and include and they should be doing that for you. It breaks my heart that they aren't.

    Eating can sometimes feel good, but it is all an illusion, my friend. I know this very well and for an absolute fact.

    Hang tough. I know that can be hard, sometimes. You will power through this, just give yourself a chance to rise and do it. Until then, *hug* and I am still not going to unfollow you. Promise.

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  5. Here's hoping you feel better soon. You have a lot of people here in bloggerland who care about you and want to see you happy, healthy and smiling. Take care of yourself, and I'll be sending you good vibes,

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  6. It is gonna take a lot more than that to run me away! :)

    You are NOT pathetic!
    You are a smart, strong, beautiful women who is just having it hard right now!!
    I am here for you NO MATTER WHAT!!!

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  7. I'm still here. and besides, you don't write this for followers, you write this because you are feeling something.. I'm still here.

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

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  8. I know what you mean about falling far away from your family. I live in alabama but all my family is in Kentucky excet for my dad, two brothers, and stepmom. And they live an hour away. My husband's family is down the road and while they are very kind to me, I still feel a sense of distance just because they're not the people I grew up with. I get homesick all the time.

    I wish you success. :)

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  9. Hey, Here is one follower you are gaining. I'm really struggling too. I'm pretty sure if we put all of our hearts together, we can find a way to do this.

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  10. Chin up girlie. I think you're great! And even though you haven't met me you know deep down that my opinion is the only thing that should matter. Haha, but seriously I'm on this journey with you 100%. We'll both nail it!

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