Sunday, August 8, 2010

I DON'T WANT PITY - THIS IS A PARTY OF ONE

This is not a pity-me post, but I am wallowing in a bit of self pity right now.

I am just feeling at an utter standstill in my life. I almost want to title how I feel and call it depression but to me that is the easy way out. Because the answer to depression for many is simple; meds. I don’t do that. I make my life what it is. I decide whether I will be happy or miserable and meds are just a way for me to mask that. (for the record I have never been diagnosed with any kind of depression and I have never taken any kind of stimulants or downers to help with my ups and downs) It just seems that for a little while now (and of course it isn’t all the time – it comes and goes) I just feel stagnant.

My girls are growing beautifully but sometimes I feel like I don’t do everything I should be doing. Should I be spending more time with educational recreation, more time playing, more time disciplining and teaching manners and how to be ‘good’? Do I take them out enough, keep them in enough? Do I allow others to spoil them excessively? Do I socialize them enough with other children? ((deep breath))

In addition to that I am feeling lonely and agitated. I WANT A DIVORCE but fear what my ex will demand and what I will have to sacrifice regarding my girls. I know, I know. Odds are in my favor that I would get custody yada yada but I just don’t want to risk it. Not to mention that I don’t have the funds. I simply don’t and divorces and lawyers do not come cheap. On the other hand I have been craving socialization. I see other couples and the way the man will touch the woman on her neck and squeeze gently, or he’ll brush a strand of hair off of her face (the simplest of actions) and I immediately have to remind myself that they have their problems. Nothing is rose colored bliss all the time for anyone. But how I crave to not be alone.

I haven’t been able to scrounge inspiration to write in my book for almost a week now. So while the structure-bones of the story are all constructed it lacks the meat, the detail, the love that makes it a book and not just a retelling of events. Thankfully on Wednesday or Thursday I get some hours to myself and hopefully I will be able to remedy this writer’s block.

I slipped and fell off the wagon on Friday (the county fair), did well yesterday until the evening and slipped again and today we spent the entire day at the zoo. So while I walked for nearly 4 hours straight my food choices were limited and not the healthiest. To finish the day off we had Breezy’s cake smash and I so wanted to say no to that cake. My Healthy Voice told me I could. My Fat Chick Voice told me one slice wouldn’t kill me and so I had one slice. White cake with fudge filling and butter cream frosting. Thank God I was interrupted while eating it by Buzzy and when I returned it had been either consumed or tossed in the trash. (Thank God for small favors)

Tomorrow it’s back to it. I hate that I say that so much. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I suppose I could say next meal if I decided to write in my blog earlier in the day but I usually write at night when the girls are asleep.

The one fabulous benefit from Friday and today was how much I walked. Nearly 4 hours straight both days and while I wasn’t training for any kind of speed walking event and my pace was actually rather slow, I am glad to report that myfitnesspall.com says that 4 hours of walking at 2.0mph burns around 1200 calories. Nice!

And now, because the consequences of falling off the wagon are belly aches and extreme nausea (the kind that has you wishing you could throw up cuz it would just make you feel so much better) have hit I will lay down and rest.

Goodnight blog world.

The Fat Chick

7 comments :

  1. I'm all misty-eyed reading this post. While my pressures are different, I absolutely understand feeling like you're at an impasse with no direction or even good options.

    In regards to motherhood, I don't know you but I don't know any bad mothers that ask themselves the questions you asked in this post. Shitty moms don't say, "Can I be doing more?" All you can do is the best you can do.

    Not even sure what else to say except hang tough & keep your head up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. quick question,
    I want you to ask yourself this with all seriousness.
    Do you honestly think your husband would take the girls and raise them, that he would want to?
    If yes, then you might not want to risk it.
    But frankly, he doesn't sound the type.
    sometimes life is playing poker. time fora bluff perhaps.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Listen to me please I was in your situation and scared out of my bird! The most important thing you need to do is march your shrinking ass down to family court and get custody with a stipulation that the children do not leave the u.s.a, while your there you can file for spousal and child support. I only say this cause you and those beautiful girls need to be protected! Divorce takes time and is very expensive! I know cause I am going on my 3rd year of separation. But in reality my children are protected and thats what is important. He can't hold the kids over me. He can only see them on x day(s) and they have to be back, if not the police and possible the f.b.i(if they cross state line) are there to assist.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I totally get what you're saying about seeing other couples and the small gestures that reveal a loving relationship - and not having them in your own world. The longing is just incredible some days isn't it?

    My husband of 19 years has Aspergers. He says he loves me all the time, but touching me is almost entirely out of the question. I didn't know this when we got married. I didn't intend to live the rest of my life like this. It's difficult.

    So, I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Depression doesn't always require medication; most of the time you just need counseling to help you deal with what's happening. Sometimes we go through situations that we feel there is no way out of ... in your case, you're preoccupied about what a divorce may bring in regards to custody issues. It's normal for you to be feeling down. See if there is a free or low-cost center in your area that would provide counseling.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. If you need to talk and vent, you know how to reach me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I suffered a major bout of depression in high school. I had horrible family problems. My parents divorced, my stepmom was an alkie, and my mom was a druggie. Thank God my Dad took me to a therapist. I was on Paxil for two years and therapy weekly for two years. I finally weaned myself and was okay again until recently. I've felt like I have been really down lately so I went to the doc and got some depression meds. There is no shame in it. It helps me to be in a better mood for my daughter and my husband. I am less bitchy which makes us all happy.

    Believe me, I am not one to take pills for just anything. I even refuse to take birth control. But it's okay to ask for a little help if you need it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Just an FYI, wanting an intimate and fulfilling relationship is absolutely okay, but the courts are more likely to give your current husbands views air time if you provide him with an excuse. Adultery is grounds for a divorce, and the bottom line is if anyone is going to provide grounds other than mutual decision, let it be him. Also, document everything and get it done. Divorce is really not that expensive when you don't have a lot in the way of shared assets. It cost a friend of mine $200 and she got a pro-bono lawyer. She kept custody and has court appointed child support. Mind you, good luck on collecting the child support as that is a very state to state thing, but the divorce itself should be fairly uncomplicated unless he has the money to tie you up in court for a prolonged time, which is certainly not the impression that you have given. Otherwise, the court may tell you that you need to seek counseling, or stay separated for a minimum amount of time, but until you file that time doesn't start running. Wouldn't it be moderately horrible if you met someone that could really work out for you and you had to wait for your divorce to actually be with that person? Just my two cents...

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...