Damn me and my brain.
Damn me and my brain and all the bullshit I do to myself.
Damn my loss of motivation.
Damn my loss of motivation and my subsequent need to sabotage myself
Damn my brain again!
Damn my brain for whatever hormonal or chemical imbalance that lets me think I deserve to overeat
Damn my brain for justifying overeating not only as an indulgence but as a compulsion
Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it ALL!
So, as you can probably ascertain this hasn't been a good week.
Not in any way really.
Nothing specifically bad has happened
Which makes me think it's all really in my head
But then I think if it's all really in my head I probably wouldn't see it that way
Which in turn has me turning nauseating circles of blame and justification and vengeance ON MYSELF!
I weighed myself this morning for the mommy and me challenge. NOT PRETTY. I'm actually so embarrassed to say the actual number that I won't.
Speaking of the mommy and me challenge, well, let's just say it is almost non-existent. My mom really isn't into it and when you are competing against someone who isn't competing against you, the inspiration to succeed pretty much blows away like a fart in the wind.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so frickin' bummed out.
I don't even know what to write.
I want to lose weight . . . BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT BAD ENOUGH . . . I know I can hear some of my readers thinking this. I know it so don't deny it!
I want to get my motivation back . . . WHO NEEDS MOTIVATION. JUST DO IT AND STOP WHINING! . . . Yeah yeah yeah, I know!
THIS BITCH FEST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED FOR BREAKING NEWS!
I just spent the last 10 minutes jumping, flailing and ricocheting across my room, tripping over toys and cursing like a sailor trying to kill the damn fly that has mistaken my house for his own.
And now this house fly:
Now back to your
regular irregular programming.
Many plans of action have been running through my head.
Hold off on anymore 'losing weight' until I have finished my book. 1 month tops. Then I scratched that. I feel like SHIT-O-LA when I eat crap so then I think, as long as I eat mostly healthy but don't pay too much attention to it and then finish my book, THEN I will concentrate on losing weight. That sounds like a good plan but then I keep thinking about how much time I am wasting and where I could potentially be as opposed to where I will be if I follow that train of thought.
Unfortunately, I have also entertained the option of NOT FINISHING my book until I have my healthy lifestyle underway again and this just is not a viable option. No, I just can't do it. ((shrugs)) Becoming a published author is my only chance at accomplishing my dreams and really making something of myself (something that I want to be) so stopping the one thing that would bring me closer to that just isn't going to happen.
I keep wondering why I am having such a problem right now.
Why is it that one day I am gung ho and the next I feel like there is absolutely no point.
What the EFF happened to my New Years Resolution, kick this fat in the ass attitude?
I lost it.
I can't find it.
I keep catching glimpses of it.
But it's like an illusion and keeps disappearing again.