Tuesday, August 17, 2010

PISSED PISSED PISSED-Y PISSED

* This post contains profanity . . . just sayin'.



Damn me and my brain.

Damn me and my brain and all the bullshit I do to myself.

Damn my loss of motivation.

Damn my loss of motivation and my subsequent need to sabotage myself

Damn my brain again!

Damn my brain for whatever hormonal or chemical imbalance that lets me think I deserve to overeat

Damn my brain for justifying overeating not only as an indulgence but as a compulsion


Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it ALL!

So, as you can probably ascertain this hasn't been a good week.

Not in any way really.

Nothing specifically bad has happened

Which makes me think it's all really in my head

But then I think if it's all really in my head I probably wouldn't see it that way

Which in turn has me turning nauseating circles of blame and justification and vengeance ON MYSELF!

I weighed myself this morning for the mommy and me challenge. NOT PRETTY. I'm actually so embarrassed to say the actual number that I won't.

Speaking of the mommy and me challenge, well, let's just say it is almost non-existent. My mom really isn't into it and when you are competing against someone who isn't competing against you, the inspiration to succeed pretty much blows away like a fart in the wind.

I am feeling emotionally stranded.

DAMN IT!

I don't know what to do.

I'm so frickin' bummed out.

I don't even know what to write.

I want to lose weight . . . BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT BAD ENOUGH . . . I know I can hear some of my readers thinking this. I know it so don't deny it!

I want to get my motivation back . . . WHO NEEDS MOTIVATION. JUST DO IT AND STOP WHINING! . . . Yeah yeah yeah, I know!


THIS BITCH FEST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED FOR BREAKING NEWS!

I just spent the last 10 minutes jumping, flailing and ricocheting across my room, tripping over toys and cursing like a sailor trying to kill the damn fly that has mistaken my house for his own.

And now this house fly:


Is DEAD

VICTORY!

Now back to your regular irregular programming.

Many plans of action have been running through my head.

Hold off on anymore 'losing weight' until I have finished my book. 1 month tops. Then I scratched that. I feel like SHIT-O-LA when I eat crap so then I think, as long as I eat mostly healthy but don't pay too much attention to it and then finish my book, THEN I will concentrate on losing weight. That sounds like a good plan but then I keep thinking about how much time I am wasting and where I could potentially be as opposed to where I will be if I follow that train of thought.

Unfortunately, I have also entertained the option of NOT FINISHING my book until I have my healthy lifestyle underway again and this just is not a viable option. No, I just can't do it. ((shrugs)) Becoming a published author is my only chance at accomplishing my dreams and really making something of myself (something that I want to be) so stopping the one thing that would bring me closer to that just isn't going to happen.

I keep wondering why I am having such a problem right now.

Why is it that one day I am gung ho and the next I feel like there is absolutely no point.

What the EFF happened to my New Years Resolution, kick this fat in the ass attitude?

I lost it.

I can't find it.

I keep catching glimpses of it.

But it's like an illusion and keeps disappearing again.

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

XO Kristen

8 comments :

  1. Aww Kristen! Don't give up yet. :) I know that's harder to NOT do than to say, but honestly, tomorrow is a new day. And if tomorrow isn't good, the next day is also a new day. Next week is even a new week! I refuse to believe that you are willing to give up and I hope you know you truly are worth it. We both are! :)

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  2. Sweetie..this is just ONE day. Pick your pretty self up..dust yourself off..and try again tomorrow. You are worth it. You are SOOOO worth it!

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  3. At least you burned a bunch of calories in the great housefly massacre.

    I suggest starting with one thing you want to do or change and working towards meeting that goal for say a week. Then add another for a week, then another. Trying to do it all in one shot just sets yourself up to fail. Small, attainable goals are realistic and the successes are more readily apparent.

    Good luck!

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  4. Don't give up on being a published author- your weight should never get in the way of your dreams :) I've had a lot of setbacks lately, but I'm doing what the above poster suggested by setting small goals. Like no more ppp this week, or some form of exercise 4 times. You can do it!

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  5. Oh Darlin', you're simply self-sabotaging. Be kind to yourself and ask yourself why does *part* of you feel that it's better to stay the way you are? What are your perceived benefits? Once you start uncovering the *real* reasons, you can then begin to work on them. The weight loss will be the icing on the cake, so to speak. ((hugs))

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  6. I agree with just trying to eat healthy everyday and not focusing on the calories. It'll get you out of your slump and feeling good again. I don't count calories anymore and it makes me happy.

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  7. It seems to be the general feeling on the few blogs that I've caught up on this morning. I think there's just a general discord with some. It's hard to stay on top of something that is so much work for so long. I think we all have those "fuck it" days where we're like, "I'll just take a break and then get back to it." I know that I've taken more breaks than I care to mention. It's a balance. It's kicking a habit. It's not easy. Hang in there--there are loads of us rooting for you!!

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  8. It is ok!!! I am in the same rut...you are not alone!

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