Monday, September 13, 2010

EMBARKING ON THE HORRIFYING - & A MINI ELLIP WINNER

Today was my last day of misery. Tomorrow I will take a step into the unknown. Only time will tell how things will turn out. I am cautious and scared . . . no, not scared . . . PETRIFIED.

Last night I received a text from the same man who just finished telling me he wanted a divorce.

He said:

Hi, how are you. I want you to forgive me for what happened yesterday. You know well that I love you and my daughters. Please forgive me. I don't want to control you. I just ask for communication so we aren't giving money to the bank.

I didn't answer.

Then, this morning - no not this morning - at 2(flippin)AM I get a text from him.

He said:

I ask myself if you are suffering like me. I ask myself what happened to our great love. My life has changed since you left it; yesterday a beautiful illusion and a dream to reach for but now a struggle and a bitter flood of tears that I can't stop. I miss you so much. I miss hugging you. Hugging you so tight like I always did. I wish I could feel your face against my chest and caress your hair. I close my eyes and I realize I need you. God, how I need you but you aren't with me. I love you.

I didn't answer.

Then, this morning, when I am still sleeping he texts me again.

He said:

Good morning, how did you wake up?

I didn't answer. I'm STILL SLEEPING! Not minutes later he texts me again.

I would like to see my girls. Will you let me see them?

I answered:

We're asleep but of course you can see them. 10:30?

He said:

Thank you

Now, I don't know if I should have answered his previous texts and told him how I was feeling. Maybe I went about this all wrong. I don't know. Apparently I screw things up a lot. Anyhow, at 10:30 we met for breakfast. Inside the restaurant he sat down with Breezy to wait for our table. I guess Breezy was trying to get my attention and the Ex slapped my butt. I flew around and seethed,

"Don't ever do that again,"

At our table as we sat down he kissed Breezy, then Buzzy and then asked me if he could kiss me. I said no. The following conversation ensued.

Him: Then you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore?

Me: I don't want to talk about it in front of the girls.

Him: You never change.

I had been looking at the menu but I put it down and looked him straight in the eye.

Me: I said, we ARE NOT going to talk about this in front of the girls.

He was quiet for a few seconds.

Him: You are too proud and selfish to know what you have is good.

Me: If you don't stop talking about it I'm going to leave.

Him: Good then leave. It'll give me time to get to the lawyer to start filling out the divorce papers.

I stood up then, pulled Breezy out of her high chair and motioned for Buzzy to follow me. She looked horrified and it broke my heart. The waitress came to bring us our coffee but I told her we needed a moment. She looked freaked out.  The ex stood too and walked fast toward the front of the restaurant. Buzzy still hadn't moved so I sat back down with her.

Me to Buzzy: We can still have breakfast if you want.

She nodded, went back to her coloring and was happy again. Unfortunately the ex did not leave. He came back and sat down too. I stared him straight in the eyes and dared him to say ONE MORE WORD.

We sat like that for some time. The hostess who is Mexican walked by and he openly flirted with her, baiting me. It didn't affect me. He had flirted with her before even when we were on good terms. Big whoop. He saw that it didn't merit a reaction.

He said: Are you still going to go to the baptism with me?

Me: Probably not.

Him: Oh, well then I'll take one of the girls I work with.

Again, baiting me to get angry.

Me: I hope you have fun!

So then he pulled out the BIG GUNS which I seriously had to breathe deep to stop myself from saying anything. He looked to Buzzy, back to me and smirked smugly. Then he asked Buzzy,

When do you want to go to Mexico with me Hija?

I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying that she would NEVER EVER EVER EVER over my DEAD BURNED AND SCATTERED BODY EVER EVER EVER GO TO MEXICO but I did it. I only played with Breezy and thankfully he asked her in Spanish (of which she doesn't understand much) and so she wasn't affected by the question.
The rest of the day was a catastrophe. Neither of my girls ate much. Both girls sensed the tension. Both girls clung to me. Both became fussy very early. Neither slept well during their naps and both were extremely fussy for the rest of the day. Besides the tension, it didn't help that the Ex decided to separate himself from us. He stood with Buzzy on the carousel like normal but he stood outside the store door where we usually buy the girls their snacks. He barely spoke at all which put extra tension in the air. At one point he was holding Breezy while we sat on one of the resting couches in the middle of the mall and she was climbing on the arm of the sofa. He held her by the hem of her shirt and let her climb over the side. This is my 1 year old. My newly walking, unstable, non balanced 1 year old and he holding her only by the hem of her shirt over concrete. I nearly had a heart attack. Thankfully he anticipated me jumping out of my skin chair and pulled her back onto the cushions of the sofa. At the play area he didn't do anything, just sat there like a bump on a log with his telephone in hand while I dashed after both girls. I may as well have gone alone for all the help he was and he may as well not have even asked to see his girls for all the time he DIDN'T spend with them.

When we finally left, him to his home and the girls and me to ours, they slept restlessly in the car. Normally they would sleep for about 2 hours. Today they only slept for 40 minutes and once we got home Buzzy was a mess. A complete mess. Tears and "Hold you, Mama's" every few minutes and Breezy just ambled around the house like she was lost. It was so strange. I felt so displaced and so WRONG!

Now as I sit here typing this, Mr. Apologetic is texting me. I am reading it but not saying anything. Tomorrow I will be going to my lawyer to pay the retainer for her to open my case and start the road toward divorce. Oh dear. I'm scared. Not for me. Not for him. For my girls.

I don't want them to EVER be alone with him. That is ALL I'm worried about. If the judge decides he can see them every day I won't care as long as I can always be there to protect them in case he goes on one of his little trips or has one of his episodes. I am soooooo scared. Please pray for me. Please pray for my girls. Mostly for my girls.

ON A MUCH MUCH MUCH LIGHTER NOTE:

In lieu of all that has happened lately I notified the person who won the MINI ELLIPTICAL in my Salad Challenge Marathon, but forgot to post about it.

The person who won my pink Mini Elliptical was Courtney who sent me the recipe for the most fan-friggin-tastical cobb salad ever! I think the best thing about it was that is had ALL MY FAVORITE STUFF and NO BLUE CHEESE DRESSING. (I hate blue cheese dressing) but it was soooooo delish and only 435 calories per serving and the serving was very generous. So, CONGRATS COURTNEY! I hope you enjoy the Mini Ellip! Oh, and I totally think you should start a blog (and not just read 'em... LOL)
On that note, I am done here.

Goodnight Blog World

XO Kristen

16 comments :

  1. Your girls are very lucky to have such a loving, dedicated and strong mommy. I pray for the 3 of you and have faith things will improve. You are an amazing person with great personal strength.

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  2. Every time I read one of your exchanges with him, it makes my skin crawl. I'm so sorry you and your girls have to deal with that all the time. As always, I will be praying for the three of you.

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  3. No matter how things get settled in the divorce, I believe you and your girls are going to be much better off for it. You're being so strong about this.

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  4. stay strong girl - and let that loser know that you haven't changed....but he seems to change every 10 minutes or so. It's a pattern. Go back and read your blog as if it were someone else's. The pattern is clear - abuse then apology then more abuse and some apology. Be done with him, follow through on the lawyer, stay strong for your girls. They deserve a better role model in their lives than the pattern he is modeling for them. Show them what a strong determined woman is like - they will benefit and learn from it.

    From someone who's been there...

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  5. It's a good thing that you blog about this because you have all this documented! Show this to your lawyer!

    Just remember that no GOOD MAN would threaten to kidnap his children from their mother, and you've been the constant person in their life and if he took them away from you, that would be traumatizing to them. What kind of person does this? Remember that every time he tells you he loves you and misses you.

    You are such a strong person, Kristen, stronger than you know! I'll be praying for you and your girls.

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  6. BTW...you have an award waiting for you on my blog. Your honesty and strength inspire me.

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  7. I left you an award on my blog...I hope all this ends for you soon. Be strong.

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  8. I don't know if you have thought of this but when you talk to your attorney about custody, you might want to mention that he talks about taking your girls to Mexico all the time and that you are afraid that he won't return them. You might be able to get them to enforce limited, supervised visitation for your husband, ensuring that he can't abscond with your children.

    Every post I read, lately makes me more and more afraid that he is planning something nasty. I wouldn't allow him to spend even a few minutes with my daughters alone.

    All the money he is sending to Mexico, is it for his parents or is he stashing money for himself, should he decide to stay or not be able to return, for some reason?

    Stay strong. You have to be Mother Bear and protect your babies. Trust me, they are not his first priority. Manipulating you, controlling you and jerking you around is.

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  9. I'm so proud of your resolve. KEEP AT IT. Do not play his games. See how he constantly tried to push your buttons and play the "good guy against the bitch"? That's a definite controlling tactic. But when you DO NOT PLAY ALONG you regain control. Good on you!

    May want to get some books on how to help kids through divorce or even ask an experienced divorced mama how to handle such situations as the diner one. It may be simply NOT going to those breakfasts anymore, because you ceded control to your daughter, and that is going to teach her a bad lesson: "If I cry and look sad, mommy will do what I want." It hurts. And it's gonna hurt them more. Divorce always hurts kids. Fighting parents always hurts kids (and kids will always feel to blame somehow, cuase that's how kid's brains work.) It's not their fault, so you just keep hugging them, telling them you love them, telling them you are creating a beautiful life for their future --as best you can.

    Let's all pray for these babies!

    But his emotional cruelty made me so mad. I wanted to slap the bastard for how relentless his emotional barrage is. Gosh....

    Anyway, be strong, be very courageous, pray a lot, hugs those babies a lot, and find your warrior core!!!!

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  10. Oh,, and totally agree with IceQueen. You must immediately consult a divorce lawyer and bring up the issue of his threasts to take children OUT of the country for months to years at a time.

    The custody agreement (and the lawyer will know best...if they're compentent) should not allow him to take the kids out of the country. No reason he can't spend plenty of time with the girls here. If the grandparents wanna see me, let them come visit HERE.

    He's not trustworthy. I can easily see him keeping those babies in Mexico just to shatter your heart.

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  11. oh boy, my first time reading your blog... I know nothing about your history with this man, but passive-agressive just SHOUTED out at me regarding him and his behavior (*sigh* - it's all too familiar)

    this book may help you (it saved my sanity):

    http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656


    should be available at the library...

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  12. A good thing to keep in mind when you deal with him (well, anyone really) is to be clear on what is truly your problem and what is actually his problem. Like with the whole diaper thing. You forgot to call, you apologized, in the future you will call. You solved your problem, and better yet offered a reasonable alternative. If he gets pissy after that, that is his problem. Clearly he's got something else going on that he wants to drag you into, and you can't fix that even if you wanted to.

    Today, your problem was let's not talk about our relationship in front of our girls. You said that, you solved your problem. Him going on and on is his problem. You can't do anything to fix it -- never mind that it's not rational -- so all you can do is calmly hold your ground. Saying you would leave was good, just continue to keep your cool. Does he want to see his girls or does he want to pout like a little baby? His choice. With the first, you stay and make nice. With the second, you calmly point out that the girls are upset and let's make plans to do this tomorrow or the next day when he's in a better mood.

    It's hard work, but I think you're doing a great job :) It's really not supposed to be about all this drama.

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  13. I haven't read all of the history.. but like many of the other readers this sends serious red flags to me. The continued comments about leaving the country with your children and his passive aggressive and controlling behaviors are alarming.

    You are sending a consistent message to him and protecting your children by setting limits. If you can avoid it do not allow him access to your children, until the custody arrangement is worked out. I know in NYS, if the father is listed on the birth certificate he has equal rights until the court states otherwise--I had a friend that was a in a DV situation and the father took the kids...so be careful.

    Further, I do not mean to sound like an alarmist--but if you do not already have one...consider getting a home alarm system.

    Stay strong and I will keep you and your little ones in my prayers.

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  14. Sending you some good thoughts and keeping you and the girls in my prayers. You are bigger than all these silly games! The girls are lucky to have you as a mum and to protect them. Remember to take good care of yourself too!

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  15. Invite him for dinner. A little runny mascara, a welt under your eye, a broken lamp, maybe a little cut over the eye (like a wrestler). Open the door, invite him in and go the bathroom with a cell phone. Dial 911... That will slow him down for 6-12 months..

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  16. I can't believe how selfish he is. Even when you try to address things to do with the girls, he still manages to find a way to change the subject to you and him. There is no you and him, the man is delusional! If it had worked then you would still be together no? How can he not see that? Don't let him charm his way into your personal life again, even though some people can be really convincing and reassure you that they've changed, when all along it's been a camouflage. He needs to learn to separate his feelings for you from his feelings towards the girls, otherwise this is just never going to work out with him in the equation. It's so messy isn't it? I feel for those girls, but thank god they have you fighting their corner. Even if it means not seeing their father, they'll understand eventually. They love you, you're the constant. That always wins out over biology, promise.

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