Last night I received a text from the same man who just finished telling me he wanted a divorce.
Hi, how are you. I want you to forgive me for what happened yesterday. You know well that I love you and my daughters. Please forgive me. I don't want to control you. I just ask for communication so we aren't giving money to the bank.
I didn't answer.
Then, this morning - no not this morning - at 2(flippin)AM I get a text from him.
I ask myself if you are suffering like me. I ask myself what happened to our great love. My life has changed since you left it; yesterday a beautiful illusion and a dream to reach for but now a struggle and a bitter flood of tears that I can't stop. I miss you so much. I miss hugging you. Hugging you so tight like I always did. I wish I could feel your face against my chest and caress your hair. I close my eyes and I realize I need you. God, how I need you but you aren't with me. I love you.
I didn't answer.
Then, this morning, when I am still sleeping he texts me again.
Good morning, how did you wake up?
I didn't answer. I'm STILL SLEEPING! Not minutes later he texts me again.
I would like to see my girls. Will you let me see them?
We're asleep but of course you can see them. 10:30?
Now, I don't know if I should have answered his previous texts and told him how I was feeling. Maybe I went about this all wrong. I don't know. Apparently I screw things up a lot. Anyhow, at 10:30 we met for breakfast. Inside the restaurant he sat down with Breezy to wait for our table. I guess Breezy was trying to get my attention and the Ex slapped my butt. I flew around and seethed,
"Don't ever do that again,"
At our table as we sat down he kissed Breezy, then Buzzy and then asked me if he could kiss me. I said no. The following conversation ensued.
Him: Then you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore?
Me: I don't want to talk about it in front of the girls.
Him: You never change.
I had been looking at the menu but I put it down and looked him straight in the eye.
Me: I said, we ARE NOT going to talk about this in front of the girls.
He was quiet for a few seconds.
Him: You are too proud and selfish to know what you have is good.
Me: If you don't stop talking about it I'm going to leave.
Him: Good then leave. It'll give me time to get to the lawyer to start filling out the divorce papers.
I stood up then, pulled Breezy out of her high chair and motioned for Buzzy to follow me. She looked horrified and it broke my heart. The waitress came to bring us our coffee but I told her we needed a moment. She looked freaked out. The ex stood too and walked fast toward the front of the restaurant. Buzzy still hadn't moved so I sat back down with her.
Me to Buzzy: We can still have breakfast if you want.
She nodded, went back to her coloring and was happy again. Unfortunately the ex did not leave. He came back and sat down too. I stared him straight in the eyes and dared him to say ONE MORE WORD.
We sat like that for some time. The hostess who is Mexican walked by and he openly flirted with her, baiting me. It didn't affect me. He had flirted with her before even when we were on good terms. Big whoop. He saw that it didn't merit a reaction.
He said: Are you still going to go to the baptism with me?
Me: Probably not.
Him: Oh, well then I'll take one of the girls I work with.
Again, baiting me to get angry.
Me: I hope you have fun!
So then he pulled out the BIG GUNS which I seriously had to breathe deep to stop myself from saying anything. He looked to Buzzy, back to me and smirked smugly. Then he asked Buzzy,
When do you want to go to Mexico with me Hija?
I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying that she would NEVER EVER EVER EVER over my DEAD BURNED AND SCATTERED BODY EVER EVER EVER GO TO MEXICO but I did it. I only played with Breezy and thankfully he asked her in Spanish (of which she doesn't understand much) and so she wasn't affected by the question.
The rest of the day was a catastrophe. Neither of my girls ate much. Both girls sensed the tension. Both girls clung to me. Both became fussy very early. Neither slept well during their naps and both were extremely fussy for the rest of the day. Besides the tension, it didn't help that the Ex decided to separate himself from us. He stood with Buzzy on the carousel like normal but he stood outside the store door where we usually buy the girls their snacks. He barely spoke at all which put extra tension in the air. At one point he was holding Breezy while we sat on one of the resting couches in the middle of the mall and she was climbing on the arm of the sofa. He held her by the hem of her shirt and let her climb over the side. This is my 1 year old. My newly walking, unstable, non balanced 1 year old and he holding her only by the hem of her shirt over concrete. I nearly had a heart attack. Thankfully he anticipated me jumping out of my
When we finally left, him to his home and the girls and me to ours, they slept restlessly in the car. Normally they would sleep for about 2 hours. Today they only slept for 40 minutes and once we got home Buzzy was a mess. A complete mess. Tears and "Hold you, Mama's" every few minutes and Breezy just ambled around the house like she was lost. It was so strange. I felt so displaced and so WRONG!
Now as I sit here typing this, Mr. Apologetic is texting me. I am reading it but not saying anything. Tomorrow I will be going to my lawyer to pay the retainer for her to open my case and start the road toward divorce. Oh dear. I'm scared. Not for me. Not for him. For my girls.
I don't want them to EVER be alone with him. That is ALL I'm worried about. If the judge decides he can see them every day I won't care as long as I can always be there to protect them in case he goes on one of his little trips or has one of his episodes. I am soooooo scared. Please pray for me. Please pray for my girls. Mostly for my girls.
ON A MUCH MUCH MUCH LIGHTER NOTE:
In lieu of all that has happened lately I notified the person who won the MINI ELLIPTICAL in my Salad Challenge Marathon, but forgot to post about it.
The person who won my pink Mini Elliptical was Courtney who sent me the recipe for the most fan-friggin-tastical cobb salad ever! I think the best thing about it was that is had ALL MY FAVORITE STUFF and NO BLUE CHEESE DRESSING. (I hate blue cheese dressing) but it was soooooo delish and only 435 calories per serving and the serving was very generous. So, CONGRATS COURTNEY! I hope you enjoy the Mini Ellip! Oh, and I totally think you should start a blog (and not just read 'em... LOL)
On that note, I am done here.
Goodnight Blog World