Sunday, September 5, 2010

FEELING WRONGLY OUT OF CONTROL

I was very much IN CONTROL today and I knew it.

I was not eating emotionally.

I 100% DID NOT BINGE!

But for some reason I had this nagging feeling of guilt as though I had been out of control, as though I had eaten emotionally and binged big.


Perhaps it has nothing to do with food, yet every time I put something in my mouth I felt guilty. That is my neurotic side coming out. The NEED to over analyze EVERYTHING!

I spent the first part of the day with the ex. Went to IHOP as usual.
(Yes, we are regulars there. I am good friends with a couple of the waitresses and we don't even have to say anything for certain things to already be set at our table when we sit down. It's really nice actually - not to mention Buzzy and Breezy love it!)

Anyway, I had 4 egg whites, a side of dry hashbrowns covered in salsa and 2 cups of coffee with cream which was less than 500 calories. 429 to be exact. ( although it may be less because I ordered the hashbrowns dry and this calorie amount is using the normal preparation)

We then did our normal of the mall + train rides + carousel and then we went shopping at Build-a-Bear for the girls and Torrid for me.

Yep, the ex asked me if I wanted a new outfit so I took him up on the offer. I got a pair of awesome flare jeans and a red shirt. I'll try to take some pix soon. Stay tuned to the Misc. Photos Update at the top of the blog.

In any case, the ex had to work at 3:30 so after we left him we went to the market. I needed to buy milk. While we were there I got some honey smoked turkey, a slice of yellow American cheese and a slice of pepperjack cheese. I shared the turkey and some of the cheese with the girls. (They liked the turkey better) and a bag of sweet onion kettle chips. All together my lunch was EXACTLY 500 calories.

I will say here that I turned down M&Ms ((GASP)) as well as a fruity smoothie drink I normally love love love and was able to abstain from the free cookie that the bakery at the market hands out to kids (of which my kids never finish)

We then went home and dinner was only a couple hours later.

Grilled blackened tilapia as well as grilled tri-tip - I had about 3oz of meat and 6 oz of fish as well as a baked potato with nothing but 1tbsp BBQ sauce and green beans.

My grandparents had brought a glazed chocolate bunt cake as well as some fabulous berry pie. The pie had no nutritional label so I stayed away from that. 1 piece of the chocolate cake was 300 calories so I cut 1 piece in half and had that for dessert. I also had a cup of coffee with cream. All together dinner + dessert was 822 calories.


So I had a total consumption of 1751. Mind you myfitnesspal.com allows me to eat 1660 to lose 2lbs every week. Including my exercise today my net calorie intake was 1646. NICE. Also, it may have been even less because I drastically underestimate the amount of exercise I do. If I am not sure how much I walk I estimate the hours/minutes and then cut them in half just to be safe. It's better to underestimate exercise and overestimate calories and be happily surprised with the results than the opposite and wonder what the hell happened.

Anyway, so as you can see I did indulge a bit today but it was all very controlled.

SO WHY THE HECK DID I FEEL SOOOO OUT OF CONTROL???

I asked myself with each thing I ate if it was something I wanted/needed and each time I willingly put it my mouth and confirmed that it was within my caloric intake. So what the heck is wrong with me?

I'm thinking it's ex related but I don't understand why I would project any guilt/strange feelings regarding him onto my food?


I do know that I ate something that didn't agree with me. It used to take a long time for anything I ate to make me feel bad. Now, if I eat something that doesn't agree with me I get to sleep on the potty all night. Not cool. Not fun. Makes for a very cranky girl.

In any case, tomorrow is a new day.

Goodnight

XO Kristen

5 comments :

  1. Maybe it wasn't the food. Maybe it was taking a gift from the ex. From your posts, it is clear that you are letting down your guard with him a bit, so perhaps you are feeling the same kind of reaction. People can be just as addicting. Have a great day today!! Congrats on the mindful eating yesterday.

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

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  2. I think Missa has a point worth journaling/pondering about. You seem to have make a good day of staying within your food boundaries. What are your boundaries concerning your ex? Are you keeping him in them?

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  3. I agree with the two comments above.
    letting him buy you clothes is tantamount to saying he has the right to buy you clothes. At least it would be for me.
    Maybe you feel your control of tha situation is slipping and you know, you will notice it's the only specific beside your food you really gave...that he bought you a gift.
    big hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your eating was great so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Hope you wake up feeling in control today:)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I used to be like this too...not person related for me though, it really was just the food. I went from eating 1000 calories a day of bad for me stuff in small quantities to eating 1450+ calories every day in all healthy awesome stuff. So suddenly I was eating huge quantities of food all the time just to get my calories in and it just felt…wrong. Feels good now though, but it does take some getting used to!

    ReplyDelete

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