Thursday, September 30, 2010

GONNA GET CRAP FOR THIS - BUT I GOTTA GET IT OUT

Warning I - Husband related     Warning II - Adult content

I won't go into the details of what I had previously posted regarding my husband. If you want to read more about him you can go HERE - HERE - HERE - HERE - HERE - HERE or HERE <-- they're backwards so start with the last HERE if you want to start closer to the beginning.

For those of you that are as sick of me yo-yo-ing with my emotions regarding my husband as you are with me yo-yo-ing with this healthy lifestyle than this post isn't for you and of course, (it really pisses me off that I have to do this but --) I ask that if you have criticism, comments, advice etc - please be respectful. Thank you.

I told you some time back I had contacted my lawyer to start the divorce proceedings. I had the appointment. We talked about what would be stipulated in the paperwork - and then I chickened out. I got SCARED! Like crap my pants, there in the office - ready to bend over between my knees and hurl onto her expensive looking wine colored carpet. I started shaking. I started worrying. I physically felt like the world was caving in on me. Now, I know what this was. It was a mild panic/anxiety attack. But I couldn't see straight, think straight to focus on that and then the lawyer started talking about the holidays. I don't remember what she said exactly but all I could imagine was my poor babies suffering through the holidays in some custody battle from HELL and that is when I looked the lawyer in the eye and told her I wanted her to keep my information on file and that after I had spoken with my family I would be back to finish everything. 

I spoke with my family. They are torn. Half of my family thinks right now my situation is ideal. I live with my family. My children and I are well taken care of and have promise of never ending shelter and care from my family. It is an extremely stable, predictable, healthy environment for my girls. This same half of my family would also support me if I ever chose to go back to my husband. The other half of my family is all for divorce. Divorce him now and get him out of your life. He's worthless. He's a leech. He comes from a different culture with different customs and he will never change. This side does not support me going back with him EVER stating the same as the reasons. He's worthless, he's a leech, he's from a different place with different customs and you can't change that. You can't change him. He won't change. 

And on top of my confusion my husband is literally begging me to not go through with the divorce. He's offering to go to counseling, to take anger management classes, to do ANYTHING I want him to. He said he is WILLING to change. Do I believe him? I don't know. I am sooooooo soooooo confused. On one hand, he is the father of my babies. I am still technically married to him and I DO take my vows very seriously. For richer and poorer (which is definitely where we sit right now) and in sickness (even mental) and health (he is very pro my new healthy lifestyle and is willing to do anything to help me reach my goals) He wants to do things with the girls and me. He keeps asking me to book our trip to Disneyland. He keeps talking about soon after, booking a trip to Sea World. He is constantly talking about his girls. How intelligent and beautiful they are and I love that he speaks Spanish with them. I always wanted them to grow up bilingual and I always forget to enforce that.

I just DO NOT KNOW what to do. Well, I guess actually there really isn't anything to physically do right now. Financially we are unable to live together. Our credit is in the dump so no apartment or rental company would want to take us on as a risk. So, I will stay here with my mom where my grandfather is talking about building a mini studio apartment into the side of the house for the girls and me. So, it's all emotional. Give him more chances or break it off.

Is it wrong of me to want to be with the man I promised 'TIL DEATH DO US PART? Is it wrong that I love when he tells me I'm beautiful and when he randomly brushed his hand over mine? Is it so wrong to get a strange rush out of it?

AGH! I hate that I feel guilty for holding onto hope for us. I hate that I feel like such a child. Yo-Yo-ing between choices. I hate that I feel like I need to hide it when I start to feel emotionally attached to him. I hate that I feel like I need to explain myself. I hate it so much. I am an adult woman . . . almost 26 years old . . . yet I still feel like the 16 year old girl who was forbidden from seeing him. Only now there is no one to say what I said to my mom then. "You can either let me see him and know what I'm doing and where I am or I can do it behind your back and you'll know nothing." - Yep, that's what I told her one night when she got mad at me for being with him half hour past curfew. She caved and allowed me to see him when I wanted. I was 17. I still feel 17. I still feel the need for ultimatums. Only now I don't know who the ultimatum is with. Myself? I don't know who is supposed to cave? Me? Myself? Or I?  

I just want to scream.

If I were to choose to try to make things work again these would be the stipulations. (I wonder how he'll feel with 'conditions'. He's always hated conditions - but per his words today he would do ANYTHING to make me happy - hmmm)

  • The girls and I come first - It is not his responsibility to take care of his parents, regardless of what Mexican customs say. We are his family now. The money he makes as my husband and the girls' father is to take care of us here in the United States, not them in Mexico. He has 12 other siblings to handle that.

  • There will be no violence. Even the faintest step in the direction of violence will result in a deal breaker

  • There will be no more threats. When there is a disagreement/fight it cannot/will not end in threatening to leave/divorce or anything like that. Stability is essential. Mostly for the girls. They need to know that no matter how much mommy and daddy might disagree that mommy and daddy love them and love each other and nothing is going to change that

  • We will not be visiting Mexico (especially with the current administration)

  • There will be no other females other than co-workers in his personal life. Normally friends would be acceptable but he has a strange issue with becoming too personally attached to other females - telling him he loves them, misses them, yada yada. NO OTHER WOMEN BESIDES THE 3 IN HIS HOUSE. ME, BUZZY N BREEZY.

  • NO ONE CAN USE OUR PERSONAL INFO FOR THEIR BENEFIT. If his co-workers, friends, whatever are illegal in this country or for some reason unable to get their own car insurance, drivers licenses, registration, cell phones or the like they ARE NOT to use our address, his name, my name, his cell number or  mine for their benefit.

  • NO LENDING MONEY!

  • He owes my grandfather upwards of $50,000. That debt will start to be paid on again.

  • We will either declare bankruptcy or start to pay off our debt in collections. I am so sick of credit calls because he decided to stop paying the bills.

  • I am his wife. Not his maid or personal chef. I will clean the house my way when I deem appropriate. At least 1x a week. I will also do the laundry the way I want to. If I am cooking for you, you will eat what I cook and if you don't like it/want it you can make/buy something for yourself.

  • Sex needs to be mutually desired. Not on demand whenever HE wants.

  • Religion is up for discussion. Not dispute, just discussion.
There's more that I can't think of right now. So much more. But that's where my brain shorts out.

All that said, in THIS POST I talked about getting more attention from men, specifically my two male friends. I have decided I don't like it and have already told one of them as much. I am not interested in anything AT ALL. I am confused enough as it is. I mean the attention is ok and of course I'm not going to scoff at compliments but it just isn't as nice or exciting as I thought it would be. I guess in that aspect I have grown up. I've heard all the one-liners, I've experienced all the come-ons and as a fat chick at that, so being thinner does not make it any different. But don't worry, that won't thwart my effort to keep moving forward on this journey.

I guess the purpose of me saying that is that I DO like the attention I have been getting from my husband. Which is new and strange because I used to hate it. Before (as I have mentioned) he used to smack my ass and rub against my boobs in public (which really pissed me off - there were many-a-fight about it) and he would make comments that were just completely inappropriate and I could only thank God that they were in Spanish so the majority of the population didn't understand what he had said.

Lately though none of that has happened. Once his hand touched my butt but just as quickly disappeared. I had been all prepared to open a can of whoop ass but it was as if he hadn't even meant to do it - only it felt like he had. Strange. Now, when he opens doors for me (which he always has) he places his hand on the small of my back. I can't explain it. It's just kinda sweet. Sometimes I find him just watching me with a little smile on his face and the other day he ran his fingers down the side of my face and into my hair but didn't say anything. It's this string of little moments that just make me so damn confused. There have been literally hundreds of little moments like this lately. Coupled with his eagerness to get into anger management or marriage counseling or whatever else will make me happy I just feel very - I don't know what. Torn? Yeah, sorta. Confused? Well, yeah. I can't think of the right word.

((DEEP BREATH))

This Monday, instead of our regular rendezvous to IHOP and the mall he's going to make the girls and I some authentic Mexican food. I miss that. Maybe the weather will still be good and we can go for a walk and maybe there will be a park we can play at. Something new. I think all 4 of us are getting kinda sick of the IHOP-MALL-CAROUSEL-TRAIN-TOY STORE-PLAY AREA-ICE CREAM-HOME routine. I hope the girls are receptive to it. Having read so many mommy-ing books I know how important predictability and routine are in toddler's lives but I think a bit of change every now and again is also good.

I am kinda nervous about seeing his (well, I guess they're mine too) nephews on Monday though. If I haven't mentioned them before seeing his (well, I guess they're mine too) nephews on Monday though. If I haven't mentioned them before they're 17, 21 and 22. (Yeah, it's kinda weird having nephews so close to my age and I'm sure now you can see why I'm nervous about it - especially since they are probably fully apprised of all that has gone on between my husband and me) In any case, I am sure the girls will like to see them. Even though it was quite some time ago when we all lived together, Buzzy still remembers them and Breezy is so outgoing, I doubt it will be much an issue for her.

So, now I am sitting here tapping my fingers - drinking my diet coke - checking my blog reader on my iPhone - I still want to blog. I feel like there is more to say. Have you ever had that feeling? The need to talk, write, vent but you just don't know what about. I still feel full of - - - emotions. I still feel like I need to purge.

___________________________________

I ate well today - until dinner. I waited too long to eat.

My grandparent's had sent over leftover meatloaf for the girls to eat. Now, I don't know if I have ever mentioned HOW FLIPPING GOOD my grandfather's cooking is, so I will say it here. HIS COOKING IS TO DIE FOR. The man should have been a chef. In any case, he sent over his completely nontraditional, flavorful, fabulous left over meat loaf and while I waited for my step-dad to get home with the salad he was picking up for me along with the pizza for my sister and himself I couldn't help but nibble a little bit on the meat loaf. Okay, maybe 'I couldn't help myself' is the wrong expression. 'I didn't want to help myself'. LOL So then my step-dad got home with my salad and I ate it but I still felt hungry. Emotionally, I guess. That's truly the only explanation. Buzzy had stopped eating the meat loaf when my step-dad arrived home with the pizza and had wanted a piece. And can you guess what happened with the left-over piece pizza that she didn't eat. Yep. In my belly. Grrrr. But I have only myself to blame.

I did take a good long walk holding my 27lb baby from one side of the mall and back though which is no easy task, especially since she's squirmy. So I consumed a total of 1818 calories today. 318 more calories than my max allowed. ((sigh)) However, the walking and carrying my baby burned approximately 300 calories so I'm back down to about 1520 net calories. I feel a bit better about that. My sodium intake was a bit high though. Per myfitnesspal.com I am allowed 2500 mg of sodium and I consumed 3235. So, we'll see what the scale says to me tomorrow. Praying for a good weigh in - but considering my less than good choices I can really only hope to have maintained.

The weeks calories? I am sad to say I didn't track completely on Saturday getting caught up in activities with the girls and such.

Sunday - Net intake of 1153
Monday - Net intake of 1770 - Yep, I miscalculated a stupid salad at a restaurant - dammit
Tuesday - Net intake of 1543
Wednesday - Net intake of 1117
Thursday - Net intake of 1520

Shall we do the math again?

270 (current weight) x 11 = 2970 calories a day to maintain my current weight
2970 x 6 = 17820 calories a week to maintain my current weight
1153+1770+1543+1117+1520 = 7103 + 2000 (we'll estimate high for Saturday) = 9103

17820 - 9103 = 8717/3500 (calories in 1lb) = 2.4lbs deficit

So according to the math I should have lost another 2lbs this week. We'll see what Murphy says tomorrow huh?

Tomorrow I will also hopefully be posting October's progress pics and tonight (right now) I will post today's new measurements. I jumped the gun when I measured a week ago and I did it so fast I think I misread the measurements anyway.

((SIGH))

I suppose I will go read some blogs now.

XO Kristen

7 comments :

  1. I say there is nothing wrong with taking things slowly. You don't have to reconcile today nor do you have to divorce. See how things go, if he follows through with the promises and go from there!
    Hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It sounds like you are in a perplexing situation right now. You said you would like to write more, not stop blogging. Well, then keep writing. Type, take pen in hand, and journal about your mixed feelings. They may make sense. You don't need a special journal when a composition notebook will do. Use your computer and password protect the document if that is your thing. You don't need to worry about grammer, no one will see it but you. It might clear your head. have a conversation with yourself. Be your own "parent" who sets up some boundaries and asks the tough questions. Set up pros and cons lists. Just write. Take your time. It's a big decision. It doesn't seem like anyone or anything is rushing you. So don't rush youself as long as safety is not an issue.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I noticed you said he is willing to go to counseling, but I wonder if maybe you should go to counseling alone first to find out what YOU really want? If you can't afford it, there are always pastors willing to give guidance. Just some advice.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Three questions come to mind:

    1. What happens when he stops wanting to make you happy?

    2. What are you expected to do (i.e., give up, change) to make him happy?

    3. Can you live with the answers to the first two?

    My own comment is that nobody ever really changes. A lot of what he does sounds cultural; why would (or how could) he change such an ingrained part of him? Particularly if it's something that he doesn't see as being wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think you don't just miss him. I think that you miss genuine attention from a male. I was in your situation before. I was abused my by ex. I had a child. and I left. I moved out of state. Even after all the empty promises. And all the I will change, and i am ready now. The point is that you know what he is capable of. No matter what, he is that person you know. He needs to find his own journey of real self discovery for himself. you are on yours. it seems that when you get to a point where you start to become aware (men giving you attention) you back off. Not off of them, but you back off of being positive. Maybe you are self protecting 'in case' you are not good enough. Do you believe that you are not deserving to live the happiest and positive life you can? And be that example for your girls?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't know and I am not being judgmental, but this sounds like an abusive cycle. My ex husband was abusive and things would get really bad, I would get really mad, go stay with my dad, we would talk, he would swear he would change, I would go back home, everything would be bliss, time would go on and the cycle would reset. I don't have the answer, except you have to break the cycle somehow. That somehow is something you will have to figure out on your own because there are many options.

    I wish you the best of luck and I know it isn't easy!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, I guess I understand the human desire to hold on to certain things (even if they come with baggage).

    You can make all those demands, but my guess is, it's not a list he will adhere to. From his perspective, he'll see all those "don'ts" as a cage and a woman "dominating" a man, and he will rebel BIGTIME. I see a huge blow-up on his part coming based on your expectations of how he should do things your way.

    Not that many of your expectations are not reasonable. Put yourself in his shoes and in his eyes: How would you see those conditions being the man HE IS NOW?

    Yeah, there it is.

    But I wish you continued well-being and health and for great clarity and you move forward.

    ReplyDelete

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