Friday, September 10, 2010


I find I have a lot of misguided guilt. My ex, my eating. I feel guilty about A LOT and prematurely so. For example:

Sometimes I will be thinking about a food I am craving. Let's say a cookie. I say, okay this cookie has 160 calories. Then I think, well I'll just eat one cookie. Then before I even eat that one cookie, I think, or maybe I'll have 1.5 cookies. That's only 240 calories. Then I think, well if I'm going to eat 1.5 than I may as well eat 2 and by the time I have mentally eaten two I have basically already mentally eaten the whole bag/sleeve/carton and then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty about having MENTALLY eaten the whole bag/sleeve/carton of cookies and then I panic. I think, how will I ever succeed on this journey if I can't control myself? How will I ever lose all this weight if I can't say no to more than 1 cookie? Then, as if someone snaps their fingers, I revert to the present (having not had any cookies yet) and I feel relief. I didn't really commit that sinful act of eating ALL those cookies. It was all in my head. Yet the guilt stays. WHY DOES IT STAY?

The same things happens with my ex. For example, tonight I have been mulling things over regarding him and how I should end things. I'm going back and forth and back in forth in my head about divorce and lawyers and custody battles and financial strain etc etc. Guilt and fear and the same sense of panic that overwhelms me with my mental infidelity to my diet grips me. Then the same thing happens where it's as if someone snaps their fingers and I'm back in the present. I haven't done anything yet. I have time to think, plan, act. There is no rush. I can sort things out, weigh things out and decide what the best plan of action is. Yet the guilt remains. The fear remains.

Right now my heart is beating fast in my chest. I have this sense of unease, fear, panic still building inside me. I don't know why. Christians might explain it as the enemy infiltrating my mind, planting the horrible feelings and emotions that I should willingly give to God and allow him to take care of. In all honesty, just saying that I should give all my guilt and fear to God makes me feel better because I know if I give it to Him, He will take care of me. Superstitious people (such as my ex) would say that his ex girlfriend who told him he would never be happy with another woman and this is her curse manifesting itself in me.

(Yes, I know how absolutely freakish that sounds - don't make me tell the story about the full moon and being 8 months pregnant and having to carry a metal object to protect my unborn baby from being maimed **YIKES** - BAD MEMORIES) <-- In reality there are so many moments that follow along those lines though that I could probably dedicate an entire post to the FREAKISHNESS that was what my husband made me do while we were together.

On another note, I lost 3lbs this week. Yay! Back to 275. I need to get to 273 to jump over that hurdle that I have been straddling for 4 months. Then hopefully I'll be into the 260's in two weeks. ((a girl can pray))

Now for a not so pleasant topic. YEAST INFECTIONS. I have never had one. At least, not the typical ones you hear about. I have heard so many women complain about the pain and itch of an internal yeast infection and I NEVER EVER want to experience one.

Didja catch that?

Internal yeast infection.

Well, if there is a term for an 'internal yeast infection' then there must be such a thing as an 'external yeast infection' AKA JOCK ITCH... because YES WOMEN CAN GET THEM TOO and YES, I am a victim of them and OMIGAWWWD! They hurt and itch and burn like you have nooooooooo flippin idea. I have been getting them since I got pregnant with Buzzy. Because technically any skin that folds over other skin and creates moist wet places can harbor yeast. Soo, where my lower belly and thigh touch to my groin (and almost ALWAYS on the right side) my skin turns bright red and purple and itches and burns like no tomorrow. I can put baby powder, prescription cream, regular cream and even tuck clothes in there to keep the skin from touching and dry but no amount of 'help' ACTUALLY helps.

I just realized I have one tonight. This does not make me happy. External yeast infections make it hard to walk, move, lay down in certain positions and enjoy life in general. Gahhhhh!

I'm off now to suffer in my itchiness.

Until next time

XO Kristen


  1. Yikes. Maybe you need to get something more prescription strength... Desitin helps, but does not cure.
    Do you have a Pastor/Priest that you can go to for counsel on your relationship situation? Maybe you are barking up the right tree there...


  2. Have you tried Gold Bond creams and powders. They are wonderful. I have problems with my c section scar and use them to keep that area dry.

  3. Eff. That sounds painful!

    Congrats on the 3 pound loss this week.

  4. Ouchie! I know how uncomfortable that is... hope it gets better SOON!

    Congrats on the 3 lb. loss! :)

    I left an award for you on my blog. :)

  5. BTDT with the jock itch, OMG I hate that term! LOL
    I used the anti fungal cream from walmart but when I can stand it, I use tinactin or lotrimin powder spray. it burns like hell but it helps. I haven't gotten it in a while but I do not go a day without using baby powder after I shower.


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