Wednesday, September 1, 2010


** Well, not really.

What you are about to read is of a very personal nature and as things of a very personal nature go, I am highly sensitive to other people's opinions. Especially the negative ones. Not the ones who disagree with me. Disagreement is part of life. Rather the ones who insult, berate, belittle and look down upon. So, right here and now YOU ARE WARNED.

I will leave comments open to this post as long as they are constructive. The minute someone writes something rude, comments will be shut off and an entire post dedicated to THAT person will follow.
(Because #1 I like to point out when people don't follow directions and #2 I like to point out when people are unnecessarily cruel)

So, onward . . .

For anyone who has never read my blog before the warning above may seem uncalled for.

For those who are regulars you will soon understand the reason for it.

For those who are new to my blog. A snippet of history.

I left my husband for verbal and physical abuse a year ago. We have been on again off again on good-bad terms. He sees our two daughters (Buzzy and Breezy ages 2 and 1) 1x a week on Mondays for breakfast and a trip to the mall where we ride the carousel, the train and shop for a few hours.

Today is September 1st. For many that doesn't mean much. For me, for the last 10 years it has been a day filled with 1 or 2 things. Celebration and fighting. One or the other or both. Celebration of what you ask? Well . . .

The Ex's birthday. He turned 35 today and he asked to spend some time with his girls in the evening. I was feeling generous and asked him if he'd like to spend the whole day with us. Of course he said yes. As usual we met at IHOP.

Tangent- I had 6 egg whites with salsa, a banana and 2 cups of coffee with 4 creamers totaling 366 calories - End tangent

As usual we then went to the mall. We took the girls twice on the carousel and twice on the train and then went shopping for some fall clothes for Breezy because for some reason I don't have any left over from Buzzy. Hmmm.

After that we drove into Oregon (which is over the bridge *and through the wood? - err no wrong story*) to go to Babies/ToysRus because he wanted to buy the girls something. The girls slept for about 1.5 hours in the car while I drove around, not wanting to wake them. In that amount of time my Ex and I had some good conversation regarding his work and the girls etc.

Once the girls were awake we spent about 2 hours in Babies/Toys'R'us looking at every toy imaginable. Both girls were extremely overwhelmed. Amazingly enough, we left with only an iCarly microphone and a bouncy ball. There were no fits about leaving and not one time did Buzzy say she wanted something that she knew she couldn't have nor did she have any tantrums about putting away things she knew she wasn't going to get. It was AWESOME!

We then drove back over the Interstate Bridge to eat at Applebees.

Tangent - I had 2 mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce + a full order of the santa fe salad with only 1/2 the dressing = 1286 calories . . . That is a total of 1652 calories consumed and when 35 minutes of slow walking (it was probably more but I'm underestimating) is added to it I had a net of 1471 - not too shabby - End tangent

The dinner was awesome. The girls were content. I was content.

We then drove back to IHOP where the Ex had parked his car and we walked over to a nearby park to let the girls play for a while. We were there for about 2 hours playing on the slides and the bars and the swings and the grass. Buzzy brought her iCarly microphone and sang everywhere she played. It was adorable.

Then we went back to our cars and went our separate ways.

Here is where the controversial part comes in.

The Ex was different today. If the rest of our relationship had always been like today there never would have been a reason for me to leave him. He was sweet and kind and funny and he seemed happy. Genuinely happy. He kept looking at me with these looks like he was missing me but he said nothing and he kept looking at our girls and the longing on his face was so evident it nearly brought tears to my eyes. I tried to put myself in his position. Being the outsider after a year of not living with the girls. Seeing them only 1 time a week for 3 hours and watching them sleep in the car after not having been able to watch them sleep for almost a year. It broke my heart to be in his shoes.

When we talked about his job and we joked about the people he worked with I felt a familiar comfort like I was home, odd as that may be. When he would look at me I'd get prickles up and down my spine like I might have when I first met him 10 years ago.

It was so strange. Especially since not so long ago I loathed him, wanted nothing to do with him, couldn't stand that he texted me or called me so often. Just wanted him GONE.

Something has changed and I don't know why. I keep trying to look at it from an outsider's perspective and I can hear the comments rolling around in people's thoughts out there.

'He's just reeling you back in.'
'People don't change.'
'Don't go back to him.'
'You left him for a reason and nothing has changed.'
'You're only asking for trouble.'
'It's because you're lonely.'

The funny thing is that sitting in the car, all of these thoughts passed through my head. I kept telling myself, 'you're a glutton for punishment'. But being with him today, in the moments that I shared with him just felt right. I can't explain it. I felt like the four of us were a family. I had never ever felt that before.

He talked about wanting to take the girls and me to Disneyland. I haven't completely rejected the idea. It might be fun. When will I alone ever have the money to take the girls? The girls will enjoy it.

I don't know. I'm just rambling now.

I have A LOT to think about.


If you have any words of wisdom I will gladly listen/read with open ears/eyes.

But be kind. Please.

XO Kristen


  1. Just some advice from someone who has been there, done that. What you're feeling is very normal. It would be much easier if once we broke with someone they turned red, grew horns and tails, and starting speaking in a demon tongue. Unfortunately, it's never that clear cut. No one is 100% all bad, including your ex. There had to have been something good about him for you to have fallen in love with him in the first place and no matter what he will always be the father of your girls.

    Now that you have put some time and distance between yourself and him, it is easy to forget the conflict that separated you in the first place. It's still there though, girl, you know it is. Don't beat yourself up for having some warm fuzzies today. It's okay to feel nostalgic since today gave you a glimpse of what might have been. Hopefully, those positive feelings will bring you two to a place where you can be better partners in raising your girls.

    Acknowledge that your feelings are just that--feelings. They're yours and you're allowed to have them. It doesn't mean you have to act on them, though. Keep looking and moving forward. You've come to far to go back now.

  2. Kristen, I have popped my sleeping pills...but am still fairly cogent.
    I have no idea what he is like.
    But I do know this having watched it on multiple occasions. guys that abuse aren't 'ALL' bad.
    If they were, they wouldn't ever meet a gal and fall in love.
    or get married.
    You have become independent. But if you were with him and he had you back under his thumb "so to speak' would he really change?
    Has he learned why or expressed remorse over past behavior?
    Or is he still in denial?
    The best way to find out if he really has changed is to confront him directly about your marriage....not ina mean way, but in a straight forward way. tell himwhat you want from him.
    If he gets angry, tha tis a big clue....I haven no idea how many typos I am having here...I am typing with my eyes half closed. Ask for something emotionally and see what happens.
    Have a great night.

  3. had a good day:) If you figure it out let me know. The husband and I have been separated for a year now and we both often go through these feelings (We still very much love each other)but something always happens that puts us right back where we were a year ago :( Its hard we have been married 9 years and since I was 16. Only you know what to do, but give it time and dont settle for less than you deserve.

  4. Its really nice that the 4 of you could spend time as a family and I wouldnt rule out doing it again in the future.
    as for acting on your feelings, I will ask you one question that only you can answer...are you more happier now or when you were married and living together?
    I think living with someone changes everything. You dont have the time away to miss someone, they are in your space all the time.
    Lots of hugs. You have alot to think about x

  5. totally agree with toosexyforthisfat

  6. Tough situation. I'm sorry that I don't have any words of advice but I do wish you the very best. Take things slow no matter what. Feelings can change.

  7. I think no matter what, just keep your independence. As long as you retain your financial, physical, and mental independence then whatever you do is safe. Stay strong!

  8. Kristen, I havent commented before nor am I an 'Official' follower, however I do religiously await your posts :) And this one really got me.
    Only you know your Ex, none of us on here really do, so no-one's advice is going to be perfect. There's no shame in the change of your feelings, because that's just normal when you see a different side of the person you are so connected with. Maybe its because you are used to the nasty side of him and when he acted like he did this time, you saw the man you wanted a relationship with and that's why somethings changed.
    Whether he stays that way or not is a different matter. We all feel guilt or regret when we've done something wrong or we miss something, however that's easily forgotten when we have it back.
    So be careful but do whatever feels right to do. Dont punish yourself for your emotions because they are one of the things we have no control over whatsoever.
    Good Luck with whatever you choose and I'm going to be watching for an update on the matter :) xxxxx

  9. I have been where you are....
    and I have only one piece of advice for you!!

    do what makes YOU and YOUR GIRLS happy! :)
    Love ya!!

  10. Having married my first date and been married for since 1989, I have no idea what you must have gone through or be feeling. I suggest caution. The Disney vacation sounds enticing. Could you have a friend come along that would, of course, pay their way? Perhaps a relative to be non-threatening, say a grandparent? It is just a thought. I think only you know your situation, the players and what is best for you and your family. As much as people change, some things just stay he same.

  11. I don't think I've ever posted a comment before, but I read nearly every one of your posts. My Ex and I have been divorced 5 years. A lot of the same things you have gone through were present in my marriage. Although I also had the "nostalgic" miss these moments, things could be better, we can work it out...I didn't act on any of these thoughts. I stood my ground and moved on. We are now both re-married with new families (besides our 1 child together) and are better friends now than we have ever been! That being said, I also agree with toosexy4thisfat. But in the end it is YOUR life and your decision. Good Luck!

  12. Wow that is hard. I may be an optimist, but maybe after so much time apart, he's beginning to change. Or finally grow up. Or something to that degree.

    All I know is, as much as guys talk about US being difficult, they are really the ones that play games all the time.

    Just be careful.It's not wrong to miss the good times, but just be sure to guard your heart.

    Whatever you decide, know we'll be here to listen :)

  13. You can be a family without being a couple. Wouldn't it be better for your girls not to have a miserable mommy? Not to mention the poor role model of watching an abusive relationship, leaving them with the emotional scars and ending up in relationships with abusive men -- or worse, becoming abusers themselves?

  14. As a new follower I have no idea of your history other than what you put in this post. I think it sounds like you all had a nice day. BUT everyone above has wonderful advice. I don't know why anyone would leave a negative comment on a post like this though. Now if you said while the girls were sleeping you did the nasty in the front seat- well then ya I would expect some rude comments. LOL :)

  15. I know what its like to feel that way. It is beyond confusing and sometimes it makes me just want to punch people in the face.
    I hate feeling like I've done the wrong thing, or made the wrong choice. Whatever the case may be.

    You need to follow your heart, but don't ignore your head.

    Theres an award for you on my blog. Keep on being amazing, and hey...go to Disney! I would! lol

  16. I don't know you and I don't know him, so no judgement coming from this lonely corner. Just be careful and do what you have to do.


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