WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR READERS UNDER THE AGE OF 18.
The original version of this post was going to be a list of reasons why I am motivated to lose this weight. Those reasons were HEALTH, SEX, ATTENTION, COMFORT AND REVENGE.
However, as I was writing it I found that it was cliché what I was writing for HEALTH and COMFORT. Who doesn’t want to be healthy and comfortable? They both speak for themselves.
What has really been on my mind though, are the other three. SEX. ATTENTION. REVENGE. Quite the controversial combo huh? Not only controversial but kinda superficial and immature. Yeah, I know. I get that. Nevertheless they are what drive me. I can’t really help it. Maybe as I continue down this road of changing my lifestyle my motivations will change as well.
Unless you are a nun or a monk or a proclaimed celibate SEX is a driving force in life. Most people want it and many people enjoy it, but who really enjoys it? I would estimate maybe 50% of women are too concerned with their own bodies or the perception of their bodies by their partner to 100% enjoy it. When I daydream about my own sex life, I don’t envision the body I have now. My ideal sex is not laden with insecurities and inhibitions. My ideal sex life is full of passion, full of touching and caresses. With the body I have now, my partner (ie: my husband) is lucky if he gets to touch me with his hands at all. I am generally so worried about what he’ll touch and how ‘fatty’ it will be and how it might disgust him. I long for the day he might touch me and I won’t care where he puts his hands.
Attention is another driving force in MY life. Perhaps it is because ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’ and my mom also craved attention. Perhaps it is my immaturity and insecurities that crave the attention. The six months I lived in Mexico were the six most satisfying months for me when it comes to attention. I lived with my husband (then boyfriend) in his small pueblo and I was the ONLY white girl who had ever visited. They were fascinated by me. By the color of my skin, my freckles, my voice, the texture of my hair, and the fact that I spoke English. Men and women alike stared at me, watched me walk down the street, stared straight into my eyes (sometimes smiling and sometimes not). I saw people tap each other on the street, pointing at me. God only knows what they were thinking or saying to each other but the attention was a guilty pleasure for me. Some very narcissistic part of me wants to lose all my weight and go back to see how much MORE ATTENTION I can get being thin – and then with that thought the guilt starts to set in. I realize it is extremely superficial and wrong of me to crave attention like that.
Revenge. Ah, sweet revenge. Revenge could possibly be thee single strongest drive for me to lose weight and then again might be my least powerful drive. I am not sure. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up soon. I want to go. I want to go and be thin. I want to go and be thin and rub it in the faces of the people who made my life hell (even though they probably don’t even remember me, let alone what they said to me to make me feel like an amoeba)
So, there it is people. The SUPER EXTREME NARCISSISTIC, PATHETICALLY INSECURE SIDE OF KRISTEN EXHIBITED BY WHAT DRIVES HER TO LOSE WEIGHT.
After writing all that I suddenly feel ashamed.