Tuesday, September 7, 2010

PATHETICALLY INSECURE MOTIVATIONS



WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR READERS UNDER THE AGE OF 18.

The original version of this post was going to be a list of reasons why I am motivated to lose this weight. Those reasons were HEALTH, SEX, ATTENTION, COMFORT AND REVENGE.
However, as I was writing it I found that it was cliché what I was writing for HEALTH and COMFORT. Who doesn’t want to be healthy and comfortable? They both speak for themselves.
What has really been on my mind though, are the other three. SEX. ATTENTION. REVENGE. Quite the controversial combo huh? Not only controversial but kinda superficial and immature. Yeah, I know. I get that. Nevertheless they are what drive me. I can’t really help it. Maybe as I continue down this road of changing my lifestyle my motivations will change as well.
Unless you are a nun or a monk or a proclaimed celibate SEX is a driving force in life. Most people want it and many people enjoy it, but who really enjoys it? I would estimate maybe 50% of women are too concerned with their own bodies or the perception of their bodies by their partner to 100% enjoy it. When I daydream about my own sex life, I don’t envision the body I have now. My ideal sex is not laden with insecurities and inhibitions. My ideal sex life is full of passion, full of touching and caresses. With the body I have now, my partner (ie: my husband) is lucky if he gets to touch me with his hands at all. I am generally so worried about what he’ll touch and how ‘fatty’ it will be and how it might disgust him. I long for the day he might touch me and I won’t care where he puts his hands.
Attention is another driving force in MY life. Perhaps it is because ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’ and my mom also craved attention. Perhaps it is my immaturity and insecurities that crave the attention. The six months I lived in Mexico were the six most satisfying months for me when it comes to attention. I lived with my husband (then boyfriend) in his small pueblo and I was the ONLY white girl who had ever visited. They were fascinated by me. By the color of my skin, my freckles, my voice, the texture of my hair, and the fact that I spoke English. Men and women alike stared at me, watched me walk down the street, stared straight into my eyes (sometimes smiling and sometimes not). I saw people tap each other on the street, pointing at me. God only knows what they were thinking or saying to each other but the attention was a guilty pleasure for me. Some very narcissistic part of me wants to lose all my weight and go back to see how much MORE ATTENTION I can get being thin – and then with that thought the guilt starts to set in. I realize it is extremely superficial and wrong of me to crave attention like that.
Revenge. Ah, sweet revenge. Revenge could possibly be thee single strongest drive for me to lose weight and then again might be my least powerful drive. I am not sure. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up soon. I want to go. I want to go and be thin. I want to go and be thin and rub it in the faces of the people who made my life hell (even though they probably don’t even remember me, let alone what they said to me to make me feel like an amoeba)
So, there it is people. The SUPER EXTREME NARCISSISTIC, PATHETICALLY INSECURE SIDE OF KRISTEN EXHIBITED BY WHAT DRIVES HER TO LOSE WEIGHT.
After writing all that I suddenly feel ashamed.
((sigh))
XO Kristen

8 comments :

  1. Kristen--First of all, I wanted to thank you for tagging me with your questions a few days back. I am going to answer them soon; I've just been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the last few days.

    As far as your motivations to lose weight, I believe we all have reasons for losing weight that go beyond the PC "to get healthy." Nothing wrong with being honest with yourself.

    I wanted to mention something I've noticed. Go back and read your posts from a few weeks ago, when you had put the ex firmly into your rear view mirror. We were starting to see a more confident, happy, strong Kristen emerge at that point. I hate to see you fall back into all the game playing with your ex and all the insecurities that go along with that. Just something for you to think about. It is, of course, your life and only you can decide what's right for you. I'm rooting for you.

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  2. I think those are all valid reasons - nothing wrong with them. As for the daydreams - I totally understand them. I have banned sex from my life, until I find someone I can completely trust and also until I feel secure enough about myself that I can actually 'let go'and enjoy it.
    For years and years I also dreamed about meeting all those people from school - being all thin and happy and pretty and successful. When I met some of them last Christmas I had just dropped a couple of pounds, nobody noticed. But still, I did go there. I faced them the way I was - this year I will look a little different.
    I think the golden path is to not care what others think, and go wherever you go because you want to. Still, I cannot ban the fantasy of walking into this place all perfect and see their jealous looks. So vain.
    But - in the end, we should be doing this for ourselves... and be proud for what we achieved, not only strive for attention... but then again. who doesn't like attention... *sigh*

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  3. every one who loses weight loses weight for all those reasons. Do you know how good it feels to go on facebook and realize I am thinner than the chick that used to torment me in school
    Pretty good.
    Feel better, you are just wallowing in the shallow end with the rest of us. lol.

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  4. Don't feel ashamed. You just say what so many of us are embarrassed to say out loud.

    I so understand what you are saying. I want to be able to leave the lights on or not cringe when hubby touches my belly. Don't want to get too detailed but I think you understand what I'm saying.

    I also miss the attention. I think that attention, sex, and revenge are great motivators. They're real.

    We can do this. We're going to lose the weight and feel great.

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  5. I remember feeling insecure with sex at one point - probably when I was married to my ex. It was not a very healthy relationship, and my ego suffered a LOT during that time. I do have to say that fast forward 10 years...And a much healthier relationship, I have lost most of those insecurities. There are still some things that my size makes me insecure about, so I know what you mean (For ex - wearing sexy outfits...I feel like a sausage roll stuffed in a series of rubber bands...NOT gonna do that!) But for the actual deed, I am very lucky that my husband doesn't make me feel shy or ashamed of my body.

    If I could only tackle that sausage in a rubber band issue... ;-)

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  6. one of the biggest reasons why I eat the way I do, when I do, is because of shame I feel from inner thoughts like these. They aren't true. I mean the reasons are true, they are true for me too and I'm guessing most women out there. But the shame behind those reasons, the things you tell yourself about why you shouldn't want those things, that they are bad and narcissistic and make you a bad person, those are the lies. We need to break free from the self hate!

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  7. Revenge keeps me going. I have some functions in which I get to be in a room with an ex-friend who got too intimate with a guy I was seeing. I've since cut ties with her, but we still have mutal friends so it is my goal to look better each time I have to see her.

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  8. My husband has never made me feel anything less than beautiful and sexy. I parade around naked as much as possible.

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