Saturday, September 11, 2010


Ever since I was a little girl I have feared night time. I believe I slept with my mom in her bed until I was about 5. Then when I finally learned to sleep in my own bed she always sat with me until I fell asleep. I don't know why I feared night time so much. I remember being particularly scared of 'The Big Bad Wolf'. I knew for sure he lurked inside my closet and thus my closet doors always had to be closed. Although even closed I could envision him waiting for my mom to leave and then coming out to 'get me'. I also knew he lurked somewhere under my bed and always had an issue if any part of my or my blanket was hanging off the bed. My blanket had to be tucked securely on and around me at all times. Yet, once morning arrived I knew that there was no wolf and that nothing lurked under my bed.

I still suffer from nighttime fear only now-a-days I don't fear 'Big Bad Wolves'. I fear Skinny, Mentally Unbalanced Mexicans' . . . well, just one. This morning I received a text from him after having not spoken to me since the morning yesterday.

A couple things you should know before you read on:
  • My girls both wear the same size diaper. I go through 1 pack every 3-4 days and even faster if one has diarea or something of that nature.
  • My ex lives about 30-40 miles away from me and I only see him 1x every week (Mondays)
  • Yesterday my youngest daughter pooped 5 times. 5!! (Not to mention today's 8!!!!!! WTF?!?!)
  • We had money in our checking account. He sends hundreds of dollars to Mexico (to his parents who are wealthy beyond belief - as far as Mexico goes - his dad makes a $2000 pension every month - that's more than 20,000 pesos. The average Mexican makes about 300 pesos a week or $30)
  • The Photo that he refers to was a father's day present that he declined to receive after a particularly ugly fight.
So, without further adieu. Here is today's daily dose of insanity.

HIM: Good morning, how did you wake up?

ME: Good and you?

HIM: So so. Why don't you call me to tell me you need to buy something seeing that there is no money in our account. You took it and didn't send the communication that I wanted.

ME: Sorry, the girls needed diapers. I forgot to text you to tell you.

HIM: From now on I will make all the purchases of what you need and before the things run out I need to know because I'm not going to work to give away my money.
(Remember, 30-40 miles away and we only see him 1x a week... somehow I doubt that will work)

ME: Sorry again but that won't work. I need diapers every three days.

HIM: You don't know if it will work or not. The other time you bought 50 diapers and they lasted you. If you know that there was no money in the account or for whatever other thing you need to think, if I take out money they are going to charge us for going negative and the diapers are going to cost double what they normally would.

ME: Whether we have money or not the girls cannot go without diapers.

HIM: That is why you should be more aware of how long they will last, otherwise what is the purpose of me having 2 jobs? Just to give away money, because they charge us. You should be more aware. It is your job to help me. You wouldn't like it if you were working and I was taking care of the girls and . . .

ME: How much money have you sent to Mexico recently????

HIM: I have only sent 2 times.

ME: You shouldn't be sending anything if your daughters have to go without.

HIM: So tell me, you take out money and I never ask you. The other day you cashed a check for $60 and then there is the photo. You and my daughters receive help from the government. When we were separated I didn't have anything to eat. I only ate soup at work.

ME: I can't even answer because now you aren't talking about the girls. You're talking about you and what is important are the needs of the girls, not yours and not mine. They needed diapers. If you are passing on that responsibility you need to tell me.

ME: Ok, what?

HIM: You know what? I'm going to continue with the divorce proceedings that way you won't be interrogating me. It's always the same with you. You don't change and you're going to realize soon because I didn't want to get divorced. I only want to tell you one more thing, I work to make something despite my back hurting a lot and this my co-workers know. You're always complaining. I only asked you to help me.

ME: You know what, you're a hypocrite. A month ago you told me that I could use the money for whatever your daughters and I needed and now that I was going to try to work things out again you want to control me. - (New Text) Just do what you want, it doesn't affect me. - (New Text) Oh and I'm interrogating you? I only asked how much you had sent to Mexico. On the contrary you want to control every little thing and I haven't complained about anything. You texted ME!

HIM: Yes, I told you to take the money but to tell me so you would send me a message. I don't want to control you. You're the one telling me not to send money. The other time if I hadn't paid your car the payment would have been late because you didn't answer when I called you but now I don't want to continue saying more to you. I'm happy and tomorrow I don't know.
^^^^ Don't ask, I don't get it either
ME: Just so you know, I never said I wasn't going to tell you when I bought things. Yesterday when I bought the diapers I forgot. You're the one that said you were going to buy the things we need for us yet you live extremely far away and there are times when I need things but don't know that I need them until I actually need them. Like the diapers. I had 10 diapers but Breezy went #2 5 times and Buzzy 2 times. With that and knowing I was going to use at least 2 diapers in the evening and 2 in the morning and only having 3 left I had to buy more. That's why you buying our necessities won't work. You accuse me of things and you threaten but you don't stop to think that maybe there is a good reason why I do the things I do. You just want to control everything.

He didn't write back. Monday I will be making an appointment with my attorney to file the divorce papers.

Which brings me back to my fear of night time. During the day DIVORCE doesn't sound like such a scary word but come evening when my mind and body are tired and suddenly my imagination takes this wild turn for the morbid and freakish. I can't help but play out all the horrible scenarios this divorce could hold. Of course all of them have to do with our girls. I want to keep them safe. I need to keep them safe. I need to make sure he doesn't hurt them physically or emotionally or mentally and that he doesn't manipulate them the way he has manipulated me and of course, I want to make sure he never ever takes them away from me out of this country.

I need to pray and ask for all of those who pray to pray for me. For strength and guidance and comfort and most of all a good outcome for everyone - including him.

Please pray that the big bad wolf of my adulthood might disappear as swiftly as the big bad wolf of my childhood.

XO Kristen


  1. I will be praying for you and your family. After all I have read about him putting you through, I know without a doubt you are a strong woman and will come out on the other side of this even stronger - and a fantastic role model for your girls. :)

  2. well, to be honest, I stopped reading at some point. You should not have to justify that you need diapers for your kids. that's just plain ridiculous.
    I really think you need to be financially independent from him. you should not share an account. he should be payng a fixed amount of alimony. and he should be able to do what he wants with whatever money he is left with.
    I'm sorry to be so direct here, but these conversations are just dreadful and are not good for anybody....
    stay strong, be independent!
    all the best!

  3. I agree that he should give you x amount of money a week or month. Because it is ridiculous that the money he sends to mexico comes before the needs of your daughters. Stay strong

  4. He's being very controlling. It is his RESPONSIBILITY to provide for your children. This doesn't all fall on you. Stay strong girl... you deserve better than this.

  5. you have to ASK before you buy diapers. that is wrong.
    get a job and get away. He is really controlling, in a creepy and scary way. big hugs.

  6. stay strong. He's frightening and you need to banish him, tuck your covers in, keep your daughters safe from his behavior.
    Praying for you and the girls.

  7. I ask God to help you make wise decisions about yourself and your babies. I pray peace upon you.

    And I will stick my nose in to say: Stop arguing with him. Stop explaining things to him. Pretend you are already severed relationally and only give him basic updates on the girls. No explanations. No whining. No demands. Just, "yes," "no," "let the court decide" and "the girls are fine" or "the girls are sick" or whatever to the point.

    As long as you engage in the back and forth, you are trying to hang on. As long as you engage in the back and forth, he can manipulate. Cut him off at the textual pass, as it were. Do not engage. Simply say, "I'm divorcing you. I have nothing more to say to you. Goodbye."

    And then sit down and prioritize your plans. You need to care for your babies, look to your weightloss/health, and plan for job training or job applications ASAP. Seriously, you need to become your source of income. You need to figure out how to make money, because what the court orders him to pay for child support will not cut it. You will need to be the breadwinner...and ASAP. That way, what he pays or doesn't will not be a variable for manipulation.

    Independent women, I've noticed, can tell dysfunctional men to go f themselves. Independent women have a hard row to hoe, but it's THEIR row, not someone else's. And it will up your self-esteem. And you will show your daughters that you don't have to be in a crazy ass relationship if you can take care of yourself.

    Hope today, your wings start sprouting strongly...such big and beautiful wings, that nothing in the dark can scare you again.

  8. I hope everything turns out alright, K. You deserve to be happy.


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