Considering my actions as of late (as noble as they seem and well intended as they were) I thought that this blog looked rather appealing. It would be somewhere I could tell my woe-is-me stories and not be judged personally for them. It was a place where I could confess things I have not as of late written about on MY OWN blog without cringing at the influx of berating comments.
(I am not sure why I expect them as I have received very few in my years as a blogger)
Regardless, I was tempted to use an anonymous e-mail address and send a post to the creator of that blog. I thought about it, thought about it some more and tried to come up with a post but just couldn't.
Why? you might be wondering . . . and even if you're not, well I'm gonna tell you.
Because I value my readers and their opinions and I value my accountability on MY blog. If I can't write what I need to write and stamp my name on it as its author for fear that someone might say something nasty then I may as well not blog at all.
To be 100% honest I have held back a little (and yes, when I say a little... I mean ONLY a little) because of Allan. While I am super inspired and motivated by him, I am also a bit daunted and intimidated by him. For a while I stopped writing all my woes because I seriously felt like an idiot having so much trouble staying on plan.
I had a realization - a sort of epiphany I suppose - tonight. I can't NOT write about the crap I eat, my binges, my emotional gluttony, my husband and the things his presence in my life drives me to eat and the emotions I feel before and after I eat those things. I have to be able to write about it ALL and stamp my name on it.
I NEED TO OWN IT.
I NEED TO OWN THIS.
I NEED TO ADMIT IT AND ACKNOWLEDGE IT AND DEAL WITH IT.
There is no reason to be anonymous. I have nothing to hide.
* By the way, I truly value your opinion, Allan, and I think your are a wicked inspiration and motivator but I also have feared your written wrath for some time - as you probably know because you seem to be very intuitive (to use an ironic word. LOL) But I can't allow a fear that I have imposed on myself - because you have never given me a reason to think you would write shit about me - control what I write.
So here I am.
I'm part of the Double Dog Dare Challenge on Allan's blog.
I started the day out really well.
350 cals of a FOR ME Veggie Omelette with coffee at IHOP
I had a 100 cal pack of candy thingies shared with Buzzy
Then life went downhill.
I get depressed with all this rain.
I get depressed with my life.
I think too much... and I started thinking. A LOT.
I had to go get Buzzy a couple immunizations and I made myself sick with anxiety over them. My poor baby. I didn't want anyone to hurt her. I didn't want to see the pain and sadness in her eyes. It killed me.
I allow myself to go numb sometimes.
And so after Buzzy got her immunizations and I promised her an ice cream cone from McDonalds today we went to get it.
I told myself I'll have a salad. No, get a happy meal, I argued. You'll be satisfied with a 530 cal happy meal of cheeseburger and fries and you won't eat a salad AND the Happy Meal like you know you will if you deprive yourself. The argument went on and on. I ended up ordering the Happy Meal - which would have been fine, bringing my daily total to 980 cals. I would have still had 600+ cals left for dinner.
But then I lost it. Something switches over in my brain sometimes like a needle on a record, and suddenly any concern for what goes into my mouth goes out the window. The fringe of concern is still there, telling me I shouldn't be eating this. It's not right. It doesn't fit. It won't help you. You will suffer both physically and mentally from eating this. But the new song playing on the record just DOESN'T CARE.
AND THAT MY FRIENDS, IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.
Granted, it could have been worse. A LOT WORSE. But I failed my first day of Allan's challenge and I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed for so many reasons and some don't have anything to do with eating.
Remember I told you I got the depo shot? Well, I forgot the kind of stuff it does to you. It FUCKS up your hormones. I feel like I'm pregnant again. A roller coaster of weepy, angry, sad, depressed shit emotions and my period hasn't come. I want it to come to at least cleanse my body. Aside from that I have had headache after headache after headache and Buzzy has been so clingy, cry-ee, needy and Breezy has just been along for the ride. I feel so bad for her. Like I don't give either of them sufficient attention. It makes me sad and then angry and then anxious. I mean THESE are human lives. MY BABIES. I can't EFF them up because I'm on an emotional wreck of a roller coaster. That just isn't fair to them. They deserve emotional stability. They deserve a mommy who is there for them 100% and sometimes I just don't feel like I am and it is so guilt wracking!!! . . . ((((sigh))))
Okay, so this post got a teensy bit emotional and out of control.
So, without ridicule I need advice. I want this. I NEED this. (To lose weight that is). I want and need it so bad I can taste it. (Not that I should be tasting anything. I do enough of that in excess) It just seems that my FAT CHICK seems to override my FIT CHICK when things get tough emotionally. Besides blogging - reading it or writing it and besides just DOING IT as some of our tough-love bloggers like to advise, what do you do (especially you women) when that time of month comes up or you are feeling just overly emotional or what have you and you just want to cram as much food in your face as you can??
Help a blogging sister out. LOL I know I have the answers right here. I know I AM CAPABLE. I KNOW ALL I NEED TO DO IS DO IT, but any coping techniques you could share would be awesome.
AND THAT IS MY BLOG, MY CONFESSIONAL AND MY PEACE FOR TONIGHT.