Monday, October 25, 2010

EMPOWERMENT TO BLOG OPENLY & ADMITTANCE OF FAILURE-ESQE ACTIONS

I recently came upon THIS blog post from It's Just Me, Drazil and Sheniqua, which links to THIS blog which is an anonymous blog where ANYONE can write a post and remain -well- anonymous.

Considering my actions as of late (as noble as they seem and well intended as they were) I thought that this blog looked rather appealing. It would be somewhere I could tell my woe-is-me stories and not be judged personally for them. It was a place where I could confess things I have not as of late written about on MY OWN blog without cringing at the influx of berating comments.

(I am not sure why I expect them as I have received very few in my years as a blogger)

Regardless, I was tempted to use an anonymous e-mail address and send a post to the creator of that blog. I thought about it, thought about it some more and tried to come up with a post but just couldn't.

Why? you might be wondering . . . and even if you're not, well I'm gonna tell you.

Because I value my readers and their opinions and I value my accountability on MY  blog. If I can't write what I need to write and stamp my name on it as its author for fear that someone might say something nasty then I may as well not blog at all.

To be 100% honest I have held back a little (and yes, when I say a little... I mean ONLY a little) because of Allan. While I am super inspired and motivated by him, I am also a bit daunted and intimidated by him. For a while I stopped writing all my woes because I seriously felt like an idiot having so much trouble staying on plan.

I had a realization - a sort of epiphany I suppose - tonight. I can't NOT write about the crap I eat, my binges, my emotional gluttony, my husband and the things his presence in my life drives me to eat and the emotions I feel before and after I eat those things. I have to be able to write about it ALL and stamp my name on it.

I NEED TO OWN IT.
I NEED TO OWN THIS.
I NEED TO ADMIT IT AND ACKNOWLEDGE IT AND DEAL WITH IT.

There is no reason to be anonymous. I have nothing to hide.

* By the way, I truly value your opinion, Allan, and I think your are a wicked inspiration and motivator but I also have feared your written wrath for some time - as you probably know because you seem to be very intuitive (to use an ironic word. LOL) But I can't allow a fear that I have imposed on myself - because you have never given me a reason to think you would write shit about me - control what I write.

So here I am.

I'm part of the Double Dog Dare Challenge on Allan's blog.

I started the day out really well.

350 cals of a FOR ME Veggie Omelette with coffee at IHOP

I had a 100 cal pack of candy thingies shared with Buzzy

Then life went downhill.

I get depressed with all this rain.

I get depressed with my life.

I think too much... and I started thinking. A LOT.

I had to go get Buzzy a couple immunizations and I made myself sick with anxiety over them. My poor baby. I didn't want anyone to hurt her. I didn't want to see the pain and sadness in her eyes. It killed me.

I allow myself to go numb sometimes.

And so after Buzzy got her immunizations and I promised her an ice cream cone from McDonalds today we went to get it.

I told myself I'll have a salad. No, get a happy meal, I argued. You'll be satisfied with a 530 cal happy meal of cheeseburger and fries and you won't eat a salad AND  the Happy Meal like you know you will if you deprive yourself. The argument went on and on. I ended up ordering the Happy Meal - which would have been fine, bringing my daily total to 980 cals. I would have still had 600+ cals left for dinner.

But then I lost it. Something switches over in my brain sometimes like a needle on a record, and suddenly any concern for what goes into my mouth goes out the window. The fringe of concern is still there, telling me I shouldn't be eating this. It's not right. It doesn't fit. It won't help you. You will suffer both physically and mentally from eating this. But the new song playing on the record just DOESN'T CARE.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS, IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

Granted, it could have been worse. A LOT WORSE. But I failed my first day of Allan's challenge and I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed for so many reasons and some don't have anything to do with eating.

Remember I told you I got the depo shot? Well, I forgot the kind of stuff it does to you. It FUCKS up your hormones. I feel like I'm pregnant again. A roller coaster of weepy, angry, sad, depressed shit emotions and my period hasn't come. I want it to come to at least cleanse my body. Aside from that I have had headache after headache after headache and Buzzy has been so clingy, cry-ee, needy and Breezy has just been along for the ride. I feel so bad for her. Like I don't give either of them sufficient attention. It makes me sad and then angry and then anxious. I mean THESE are human lives. MY BABIES. I can't EFF them up because I'm on an emotional wreck of a roller coaster. That just isn't fair to them. They deserve emotional stability. They deserve a mommy who is there for them 100% and sometimes I just don't feel like I am and it is so guilt wracking!!! . . . ((((sigh))))

Okay, so this post got a teensy bit emotional and out of control.

So, without ridicule I need advice. I want this. I NEED this. (To lose weight that is). I want and need it so bad I can taste it. (Not that I should be tasting anything. I do enough of that in excess) It just seems that my FAT CHICK seems to override my FIT CHICK when things get tough emotionally. Besides blogging - reading it or writing it and besides just DOING IT as some of our tough-love bloggers like to advise, what do you do (especially you women) when that time of month comes up or you are feeling just overly emotional or what have you and you just want to cram as much food in your face as you can??

Help a blogging sister out. LOL I know I have the answers right here. I know I AM CAPABLE. I KNOW ALL I NEED TO DO IS DO IT, but any coping techniques you could share would be awesome.

AND THAT IS MY BLOG, MY CONFESSIONAL AND MY PEACE FOR TONIGHT.

XO Kristen

11 comments :

  1. Of course, you can do this. It will always be tough. Always. We live surrounded by multitudes of temptations. But you did so much already, which show that you absolutely can. Keep picking yourself up.

    My advice:Stop going to fast food places. Don't reward your babies with ice cream, candy, junk. That sets THEM up to be fat one day. Reward them with a fun activity or with fruit (if it must be food). Don't tie in "sugary treats" with the idea of fun eating or rewards. That's bad for THEM. And since you ate some of the junk food at the junk food palace, it's bad for YOU. Stay out of any fast food place where there's stuff to tempt you and your kids.

    You've got the hormone issues and that sucks the mother, and I totally understand the "fear of Allan's wrath" hahaha. I know he means well. He wants us to stick to it and lose weight and be healthy, but yeah, he can be like this tough Papa ready to rag on us if we screw up a lot. But that's good, too. It helps motivate, right? It's for our good.

    So, while life is tough for you and hormones are tough and things can get weepy and emo, remember: Stay out of the path of temptation. Be it hubby. Be it McD's (which your gals shouldn't be eating anyway,, if you want to set them on the healthful eating path), be it buying candy for Halloween. Stay away from whatever will keep you from being a Fit Chick. Cook more at home for you and the girls. Have healthy picnics when the weather is good. Go play in the park and munch apples and nuts. Get them to think of healthy things right along with you. Zumba away. Be well.

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  2. Good morning
    http://almostgastricbypass.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-164-tuesday-oct-26-2010.html

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  3. My dear, today is a new day. Just hop back on and try again. Heck no one is perfect, even our blessed Allan (who I think by the way is a pretty cool guy that doesn't hold anything back and that is what I most love about that man).
    Life is not easy at all and with a small one it's even harder but you can do it. Try not to worry so. Don't frett about things you really can't change. Please feel like you can write anything you want on your blog, if someone doesn't like it they can just hop in a lake.
    You have come so far and done so well. Life has ups and downs and we all deal with them differently. You can do this, I know you can. Just think a few minutes ahead and you'll be fine, don't worry about tomorrow it's not here yet, yesterday you can't change, today is here to enjoy and love every single second of it.
    Now take care and have a very blessed day.

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  4. I'm going to come out and say that the people that the people Alan berates are not usually the ones that say "I messed up". It's the ones that say "Oh no, I've gained weight, and I have no idea whyyyyyyyy!"

    Having said that, the hormonal roller coaster can be tough to deal with. For me, avoidance is the biggest technique I use. I avoid the foods and places that cause me the most trouble, and I try to distract myself when I start going crazy. Like I'll take my kids somewhere (where there isn't food), or I'll get busy with a craft, or go for a walk.

    Cut yourself some slack with the parenting. Some days, we're not going to be perfect. You'll put the kids in front of the tv in an effort to survive. It's not going to cause them long term damage. You are a great mother who cares deeply about your children. In the long run, you'll give them an enriching and happy childhood, and that's what they'll remember.

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  5. Poor Kristen. You are right to fear his wrath. He will turn on you in a second just like he did me and dozens of others. Still, you need to be able to be free what you say. Learn not to care about him. He will come around and be nice again in a minute even if he does bash you for a day or two.

    My advice is to read "breaking free from emotional eating" it helped me a lot.

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  6. Kristen- It's your blog, say what you want and say what you need and people like me who feel like you do sometimes, but don;t always have the courage to say it, will appreciate it and find in you a kindred spirit and an inspiration. Changing our lives in such a dramatic way is not easy and trying to hold yourself to some idea of eating perfection will only cause you to fail and then feel like a failure, but everyday you get on the horse and strive for another ride at that sunset is another day you didn't give up.

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  7. Princess Dieter - I WILL allow an ice cream cone to my daughter from McD's after she gets her shots because she specifically asked for it and because I will not have her fearing food the way I have all my life. She barely eats 5 bites of the small ice cream anyway. I do appreciate the rest of your sentiment though and of course I shouldn't have got ANYTHING from there as it is a trigger place.

    Julie, Deb and Christie thank you for the encouragement and the comraderie. I appreciate your words. They lift me up and make me feel like I can push through.

    Lanie, thank you for the literature suggestion. I will definitely look into it because I love to read and anything that helps me that is written I'm all over it. I do ask that you do not come here, to twist my words. You told me I was right to fear Allan's wrath. No, I was wrong. He is a very knowledgeable man with experience of weight loss under his (much smaller) belt. I appreciate, admire and respect his help and opinions. Please save Allan bashing/commiserating for your own blog. Thank you. :)

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  8. Kristen, if you were sitting here next to me Id tell you literally how my life and relationship with food changed after the first 2 or 3 weeks on a low carb diet. I guess Im reluctant to sing the praises of that (or gods forbid, Atkins!!)here in Blogland sometimes for the same reasons you are reluctant to blog your slip ups (no no, not Allan ---just the negative feedback on low carb dieting in general!) Honestly, I did weight watchers for a year or more and while I did lose weight I always felt somewhat outta control with my eating, cravings, HUNGER and emotions. Since cutting my carb intake I feel much happier, less moody--my periods are not as severe or as heavy. Any aches/pains/sleeping troubles etc are literally gone. Because I dont have to worry about stretching my 21 points over an entire day and inevitably feeling hungry I dont "hoard" food anymore. I dont torment myself over eating just one cookie, or one 100 calorie pack of cookies. Yeah, I had to totally give UP cookies. But that freed me!! No cravings if I dont have the stuff at all. I know its drastic, but sometimes thats what it takes! You have fought so hard, and each day you continue to fight. You're not infallible-none of us is. Just keep fighting; and note that there are other plans :-)

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  9. I am just starting this journey. It is so nice to read about someone with real struggles and how you dealt with them. You can do it...and so can I!

    jen

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  10. I was simply agreeing with your words, Kristen, not twisting them but using my own.

    "To be 100% honest I have held back a little (and yes, when I say a little... I mean ONLY a little) because of Allan. While I am super inspired and motivated by him, I am also a bit daunted and intimidated by him. For a while I stopped writing all my woes because I seriously felt like an idiot having so much trouble staying on plan"

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  11. Okay, that's fine (to use your own words) I just prefer you use them on your blog. I don't want third party commiserating on mine. Especially since I later explained how I was wrong to feel the way that you agreed with me about. If you have something to say about me or my blog thats great regardless of whether its good bad or ugly. But I don't do the bashing thing on my blog and if I personally do it in my posts I don't generally point out who the person is unless they have directed hate toward me first. I find that distasteful. In fact the only times I have pointed out who I was talking about the comments/emails were anonymous anyway.

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