Normally he would have texted me already by 9am. So far he's MIA which makes me happy. I was sitting here while my girls ate breakfast and watched Fresh Beat sipping my coffee and I felt content. The difference of whether he is in or out of my life can be summed up in that statement. Without him I am content. With him I am a ball of nerves tiptoeing my way through life so I don't rock the proverbial boat and make him mad.
I do have to admit I still feel massive anxiety though. I don't know if it's merited or residual fear of him that tightens my chest when I think of him being upset or angry. As I sit here now typing this out on my iPhone I cringe everytime a popup text or announcement appears. I don't want to talk to him.
Sitting here there is frost on the grass outside and it's sparkling in the sun. The leaves are bright orange, red, yellow and gold. This reminds me of how it was before. It reminds me that there is hope and so much to live for, beauty in life. It doesn't have to be dark and depressing.
Now I just need to remember this feeling. The same way I need to remember the suffocation I allow myself to feel by being with him. The same way I need to remember the euphoric feeling of eating well and watching the number on the scale drop and the same way I need to remember the frantic overly full yet empty feeling if eating shit and fearing the scale.
I need not fear any longer. I am setting my priorities. The top two are my girls and my health. The rest doesn't even really matter.
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