Saturday, October 2, 2010


  • suffering  
  • intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction
  • an outbreak of anger
  • ardent affection : love
  • a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept
  • sexual desire
  • an object of desire or deep interest
If this were a questionnaire I would have to mark YES, TO ALL THE ABOVE. I am currently feeling all of the above. I am feeling PASSION. PASSION.

I'm having some serious mind bending thoughts / realizations / epiphanies right now and I don't even know how to put them into words. I'm trying so hard to wrap my mind around them but the moment I think I may be able to express myself the idea / words slip away. Anything I write right now would not come close to explaining the deep sense of revelation that seems to be unravelling. My head literally hurts from thinking. My chest aches from the internal struggle. My eyes are burning from lack of sleep. 1AM and here I sit. I need to sleep. I can't. I want to get this tsunami of feelings - thoughts - ideas out of my head so that I can sleep peacefully. I'm so tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

He pensado que a lo mejor escribiendo en el idioma que me inspira tanto me ayudaria quitar todo esto de mi cabeza pero ni aqui, ni en papel me ayuda. Siento que mi cerebro va a explotar. He tratado escuchar musica, ver la tele, hablar con mi mama y mi hermana.

Comi tanto hoy que mi pansa me duele. No perdi peso esta semana. Subi 2 libras. A lo mejor diciendolo en Espanol me ayudaria sentire menos culpable. No. No me ayuda. Al contrario me hace sentire mas mal porque ahora estoy tratando de esconder lo que hice atras de un idioma que no entienden. (Bueno, si entienden ya saben lo que hice y saben que me siento horible)

I'm going to go listen to music. It's the only thing that keeps my mind from exploding.

XO Kristen


  1. I am sorry to see you struggle so. I am proud of you that you seem to be feeling and writing about this rather than eating over it. It's an epic story written long ago and played out again and again with different people. But that doesn't make you feel much better does it? Know that this tsuamni will end. Calm waves will come again. You will find a peaceful decision in the future. It just needs time. Be strong. Be courageous. Be just who you are.

  2. Sorry about the gain. But take consolation that it's likely mostly sodium gain and "mass" gain, and once you eat well again and drink water and rest, most will be gone overnight, and all within a couple days.

    You're wrestling with heavy life issues. That has defeated more than one of us very human.

    You'll be back to eating well, dancing your Zumba, and feeling great achievement again. You'll see. :)

    Get rest, k?


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