Friday, October 29, 2010

REFLECTION - AFFLICTION - CAFFEINATED MYTH

When her eyes cracked open the dimmed room was quiet. So quiet, she wasn’t sure what had woken her. She felt the normal weight on her chest. The aching burden she woke up to every morning but this morning she felt something else. Someone else. She sat up slowly in bed and kept her eyes straight ahead. She felt someone watching her, waiting. It didn’t startle her the way it should have. Her heart did not thud erratically. She was not startled. She was only fearful. It had long been a horrific speculation that this person would come back for her. This person who watched and waited for her with no good intentions.


Bowing her head and keeping her gaze on her striped pajama pants, she slowly allowed one leg at a time to move off the side of the bed. She braced herself on her palms against her bed, locking her elbows. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut willing the person to leave. It was pointless to do so, but she couldn’t help the need for this person to be gone. She sucked in a deep breath and opened her eyes.

“Hello Krissy,” the familiar voice leered and the even more familiar brown eyes gazed back at her.

Tears welled in her eyes and her voice box refused to produce a sound.

“I see you haven’t missed me. I really have missed you though.”

Anger bubbled up inside her but when she opened her mouth to object she was interrupted.

“Shhh. You don’t want me here now. But don’t worry. I’m here to protect you. I’m here to show you that you don’t need anyone. Well, anyone except me.” A lethal smile pulled up the corners of the full lips. “Soon enough you’ll realize how much time you wasted without me.”

“I didn’t waste any time.” Krissy whispered with her eyes now averted. Even she questioned the certainty of her words. The dominance and the manipulation were daunting, and difficult to withstand. Memories of this person overwhelmed her mind. The comfort, the relief and the freedom that this person allowed in her life. Only on the fringe of her memories did she recollect the pain, the toxicity, the overwhelming obsession. Specific memories danced through her mind and as she continued to remember the good, the bad memories faded further and further as the temptation of relief bombarded her thoughts.

The guffaw that followed her statement had her raising her gaze once again and narrowing her eyebrows.

“You need me like you need air. Look what has become of you while I’ve been gone. You are an emotional wreck. You don’t know forward from backward. You’re so confused. I can straighten everything out.”

“No,” Her voice broke as she shook her head. “No, you can’t.” Again, the words were practiced and she wasn’t sure she meant them.

Another patronizing laugh.

“So little faith. Come on; let’s go get something to eat and we can talk it out. That way I can see how much work I really have.”

“No!” Tears were now spilling down Krissy’s cheeks.

She felt her resolve wavering. Life had recently become so overwhelming. Finances, family, children, work, trust, honesty. It was all becoming so much and she knew this person could fix it. Numb it.

“Come on Krissy. I know you’re hungry. Everyone has to eat. Let’s grab a bite and talk it over.” The voice was alluring and she stood to walk toward it, to accept it. To accept the offer and the life she knew that would lie ahead of her.

Now her heart started thudding. Nerves sent her adrenaline pumping. Her breath accelerated and she involuntarily ran her tongue over her parched lips.

“That’s it. Come on. I have everything you need. I have everything you want. You don’t need anything else and soon you won’t want anything else either.”

Tears dripped off Krissy’s chin as she approached her destiny. She reached out and the hands that reached out to her were hard and cold. She felt the immediate urge to pull away. She searched the face of the person looking back at her. The eyes that looked back into hers were wide and blood shot. The lips that spoke to her were parted, expectant.

The squeal of the bedroom door opening tore her from her purpose and Krissy saw her little girl standing at the threshold watching her curiously in her footy pajamas.

“Mama?”

She swallowed against the dryness in her throat and closed her eyes with the effort.

“What is it Punkin?” she asked.

“Why are you talking to yourself?”

Krissy’s eyes darted from her small daughter to the bloodshot brown eyes staring back at her from her reflection. A hurricane of emotion flashed through those eyes. Hate, disappointment, relief and peace.

“Mama was making a decision.” She said to her daughter. Her reflection’s wide eyes glared back at her.
“Did you make it Mama?”

“Yes, Punkin. Yes I did and you just helped me.” Her reflections eyes narrowed at her.
“Good Mama, can you make me breakfast now?”

“Yes baby.”

And as Krissy turned to follow her child out of the bedroom she mouthed to her reflection.

“I don’t need you.”



__________________________________________

This is the metaphorical struggle I deal with daily. The reflection in the mirror telling me I need to stay fat. I need to be protected. I need to cook not only to feed myself and my size but to be a good mom, a good wife. On the opposite spectrum I need to eat to keep myself unattractive. I need to feel unattractive so that my husband will not hound me. Unattractive so that no other man will find me attractive. I need that fat girl in my reflection to justify my actions. Every morning I wake up to the aching burden of my weight and every day I look into the mirror. So many days that instigator, the one who tells me I am worth nothing, I deserve nothing and I need to stay fat is staring back at me. Rare is the day that my true reflection looks back at me. But every time I fall, I get back up. Sometimes with the help of my real daughters and the idea of their lives with or without me and sometimes with the metaphor of my daughters; something always snaps me back into my right place on the journey to a healthier happier me.

__________________________________________

As I said in my previous post I woke up feeling as though a steam roller had hit me and then backed up over me and repeated the damage. I hurt from my hair follicles to the very tips of my fingers and toes. The only thing that somewhat relieved my leg pain was Advil. After breakfast I tried throat lozenges for my sore throat. I tried tea. I tried coffee. I tried soup. Hot foods, cold foods, iced things. I found the only thing that helped was milk. I drank loads of milk today. It seemed to coat my throat. I don’t know why. That said today was NOT a good day for eating. What with all my attempts to relieve a bit of pain, I tried everything and God knows how many calories went into the concoctions I tried. I literally thought for a little while that I was going to pass out on my girls my discomfort was so intense. Thank God I only get sick MAYBE 1x a year.


That said, I am tempted to take myself out of Allan’s challenge. What do you all think? I am not using sick as an excuse to eat crap. I am using being sick as an excuse to take whatever helps my pain. If drinking cups upon cups of milk is going to allow me to be able to talk to my girls without feeling like someone is slicing my throat from the inside out than well, so be it. I have no desire to eat candy, so Halloween shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know. My thoughts are all over the place. You tell me. Stay in the challenge or bow out?

Any good ideas for relieving muscle aches?

Oh and I received a comment a day or so ago about caffeine dehydrating you and that for every cup of caffeine you need to drink X amount of water to compensate. I decided to investigate this and it seems it would take an enormous amount of caffeine to dehydrate someone and that caffeine in moderation (for example in tea, coffee, soda etc) should be counted as water intake as it is the number one ingredient. This does not include energy drinks such as Red Bull, Jolt, Monster and the like. If anyone wants references to where I found my information I would be happy to post it.

I’m off to go take some more Advil for my legs. (I can barely sit down or stand up without grimacing) and then I’m going to go to bed. I’m exhausted. ESPECIALLY since my girls woke me up at 5AM and kept me up at intervals until 7AM when we all got up for good.

Goodnight Blogworld

XO Kristen

9 comments :

  1. Take a really, super, hot bath with epson salt in it. It will help the muscles and the steam will help the sickness. I wouldn't take yourself out of Allan's challenge. Take today as just one day, and get back on the horse tomorrow!

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  2. hon, I went through a period of feeling like I'd been run over by a mack truck. And you know what htat was...psychological.
    Don't take yourself out of anyone's challenge. herbal tea will do more for your throat than milk will and it has no calories. eat some vitamin C...and fight through the urge to stay fat for protection. I know exactly where you are coming from and if you don't face it now it wins.

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  3. I agree with the others. Don't drop out. Keep accountable. If you must drink milk, see if you can get by with half a cup of skim or lowfat at a time to soothe you. And yes, do the epsom salt baths.

    For muscle pain due to overexercising (if you think this is that), vitamin C helps. A combo of C and E might help more. Consider that. Or eat stuff that's C-rich (fruits, particulary). Potassium and Vitamin C should help those exhausted muscles.

    Take this as a lesson in not overexercising to try to burn off excessive eaten calories. A good, regular dose of exercise goes a long way. Overexercising can be dangerous (and is one of the signs of disordered eating, btw, not that I'm saying that applies here, just saying to not make that a routine action).

    Rest, spend good time with your girls, avoid candy, drink lots of fluids, have potassium and Vit C rich fruits with your milk if you can, have smaller portions of milk at a time. And see a doctor if this persists. Seriously...see a doc if this isn't abating or gone by tomorrow after you've slept a good while.

    Hugs to you...

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  4. Taking yourself out of the challenge will not help you or harm you. As a matter of fact, staying in this challenge can never harm you. Up to you, but in defense of this Challenge, and the next phase, it seems to be helping a lot of us with some focus. Up to you, but we want you to continue.

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  5. I live by Thera-Flu when I have body aches & a sore throat. The stuff tastes like someone peed in the cup, but it helps. I'm just being honest!!

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  6. You gotta STRETCH, STRETCH, STRETCH if you wanna relieve muscle aches. And I mean, really stretch, before and after every workout, in the morning, before you go to bed, any time you can. And don't bow out of the challenge. It's a good one. Just do your best. That's all anyone is asking of you.

    -Raych
    http://losingwithraych.blogspot.com

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  7. I love everything you write. I follow a few blogs- but yours I check at least once every day. I think I love your writing so much because I often feel the same things as you. So keep up the good work! :)
    When you exercise and hurt like you do its actually lactic acid build up in your muscles. The best thing to do is stretch- and KEEP exercising! As weird as it sounds- when you keep moving you break up the lactic acid and it doesnt hurt as much. I only know from recently picking up kettle bells. And the next day if I at least walk or bike ride it really doesnt hurt anymore.

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  8. Oh don't quit Kristen. You know what you can do and what is a challenge and what you can't so just keep trying.
    Brooke is right, just keep trying to move. Today I took off from exercise only because I hurt so bad from working out so hard all week. I started the C25K and today my calves are dying. I did take the kids for a walk to exercise and stretch so try too, just move as much as you can.
    Don't give up. Take a day or two and come back. We'll be here to support you, to encourage you, to listen to you. Whatever you decide.
    Take care Kristen, have a blessed weekend.

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  9. Girl, it's been a few days. I'm starting to have visions of you laid up in a hospital or something. Please update!!!! Bit worried.....

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