Tuesday, October 19, 2010

SKITZO

I don't have the traditional schizophrenic disorder (that im aware of) which is why I spelled it different. See, a person with schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder generally is not aware when one of his or her alter egos takes over and the person may have only one alter ego or several.

I only have one and I am ALL too aware of when she takes over. It's like we are capable of different yet simultaneous thought. The only problem is that when SHE wants food and food that is not cohesive to my lifestyle I am only able to suppress her if there are no outside influences.

What do I mean by outside influences? Children offering me food, husband nagging-berating-insulting-belittling or being possessive. Family offering me food. If I am alone I can usually disuade her but when others are involved it's like she gains strength over me.

And when this happens it is literally as though I lose control of my body. She wants food and she will have it and no matter how loud I scream at her inside my head she doesn't listen.

Recently I read a post on a blog about emotional fat vs physical fat. I don't know what my physical fat % is but I can tell you my emotional fat is darn well near 100%. and that is 270lbs of fat chick taking up residence inside my head.

I have been so frustrated lately. I have complete control of everything during breakfast and lunch. Generally it is during this time that the Fat Chick starts lurking, waiting. Family dinners, carnivals, pumpkin patch, in home movie night - these are just a few of the events she lives for. And when she succeeds her appetite is insatiable and she eats until my newly smaller stomach is near bursting and all I want is to purge. I quite literally am unable to tolerate the sensation of being too full anymore and I involuntarily will either throw up or I will get a massive painful case of diarea.

But the damn Fat Chick isn't phased.

Recently my husband told me when I reached goal he wanted to take me to Mexico to get married the traditional Mexican way. I said nothing (because it is just about the last thing i want to do) but suddenly THe Fat Chick and I became an alliance. If I never reached goal I would never have to go and I would never have to stir the pot by saying I didn't want to go. It would be obvious by the loads of food constantly in my mouth and my subsequent girth. This thought process (HER thought process) last 4 days.

Yep. 4 days. So I am sure you can surmise that my eating was well below par. It wasn't even subpar it was ... Awful.

Today I woke up and SHE was in full control. Thoughts of postponing my good eating until November 1st or after the holidays were very forefront in my mind. Then I decided to weigh myself and just between you (all) and me, I DID NOT like what I saw. The Fat Chick rejoiced though. One more reason to continue eating shit! Right?!?!

Right?!?!

Right?!?!

No. Wrong. I told her to step off. Sit down. Shut up. Right now she's listening. Instead of consuming 800 calories for breakfast I ate 360. I feel good. Right now SHE is sulking. I don't feel her lurking or waiting. I feel no pull toward food.

Here I must say that for someone who has never experienced emotional eating this post may seem melodramatic, exaggerated and ridiculous but the truth of the matter is (and any emotional eater/binger will agree) that food becomes a shield, a means of protection, medication, numbing agent. Food becomes an addiction. I am working my way out of my addiction. I wish I could say I was doing better. I could be doing worse. I only pray that SHE remains dormant because no matter what she wants or how logical her reasoning may seem it is detrimental to me and my health.

Now if I could just figure out the emotional 160lb baggage I carry that is my husband. (((sigh))) but that's a whole other blog post.

XO Kristen

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2 comments :

  1. The thought does not ever enter my mind when a normal person is speaking. You are quite normal, so relax...About the 160 lb baggage, sorry..

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  2. Kristen you always come back for another round even when you go down (and we all go down at times, bc as you said in your last post, well--we're human!!). You're doing good, keep analyzing and figuring yourself out. You're already back on track, go you :-D

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