Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I really should be doing laundry. There is about 2 loads piled next to me on the couch that needs to be folded, hung and put away. My girls are resting. But I just can't bring myself to do chores when one thing keeps running a red tagline through my head.


Okay, I hear the unanimous DUH! echoing around blogland. It doesn't take a person with even half a brain and two partially working eyes who has read my story to understand this. My husband has always been a detriment in my life. Sad and harsh, but true.

This last month plus some I have been working really hard to 'work it out'. He begged me not to get the divorce. I obliged. I told myself I would give it my damnedest.

Meanwhile my eating suffers. I cannot get past 55lbs lost. I. JUST. CANNOT. DO. IT. And until now I didn't understand why.

The only variably between the first 5 months of my journey and now is that I let him back in. And even having promised to give it my damnedest is not worth my health.

For a while everything was going well.

Now things are reverting to the way they were. He is possessive, passive-aggressive, jealous, verbally-mentally-emotionally controlling.

He said something to me the other day.

"La forma de dar es en la forma de recibir."

I don't think I get the full meaning of this but loosely it translates into, 'the way to give is the way to receive.'

He says he has given me so much an that in return I should be willing to 'gratify' him however he pleases. (and no I'm not talking sex, although that is a part of it)

He has asked me to put my wedding rings back on. I did.
He asked me to consider going to Mexico for Buzzy's 3rd birthday. I said I would.
He asked me to consider living with him again. I said I would.
He then TOLD me I was going to be talking to his mom.

I asked him (very politely) if next time he could ask me before he committed me to something.

He got PISSED.

"La forma de dar es en la forma de recibir." he told me - basically threatening me that if I didn't do what he wanted, I could expect Jack sh*t (no not the blogger..lol) from him.

He then went on to praise himself as some kind of god for having erased the girls' phone numbers from his phone. (The ones he works with and who he has texted flirty - lovey dovey things to) As if he did me a huge favor by doing that.

So, the next day I talked to his mom.


Yep, I was an idiot and I agreed (silently begrudging)  and she sounded like she wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her. The conversation was strained and pointless.

The next day we went to the pumpkin patch. He asked me to send him photos via our iPhones. I agreed. There was no set time for me to do this so I figured when the girls were asleep that night I would. He texts me later wanting to know where his pictures were and why I ignored him all day and that I hadn't changed.

I sent him the photos. That was that. Except before we said goodnight he TOLD me I would be talking to his dad the next day.

I said okay just to shut him up.

Yesterday was the day I was supposed to talk to his dad.

Yesterday I had a migraine. He dragged me all over friggin' Timbuktu knowing I had a migraine and then once we were both in our respective homes he apologized profusely for it, which is so typically him. Make me suffer and then when the suffering is done, THEN APOLOGIZE. But an apology to him means nothing. To me it means, I'm sorry it won't happen again. To him it means, I'm only saying I'm sorry to make you think I am and next time it happens I will do the same thing and all will be forgiven because I said I'm sorry.

He wasn't very good with the girls yesterday. Buzzy leaned on him during lunch and dinner (mind you she's two years old) and he elbows her away while sneering 'let me eat.' He also grabbed Breezy's spoon away from her on several occasions because she was making a mess (what one year old doesn't?)

And then when we were done eating and the girls were a bit whiny out of nowhere he stood up and was all 'okay already! Let's go!" It was so uncalled for.

At the park I decided to test his fathering skills. As I mentioned I had a migraine and so I asked him to take the girls to the park himself. (Mind you I had no intentions of letting him actually take them alone. I don't trust him to be able to watch them both. I just wanted to see if he would make the effort)

He started to get Buzzy out of the car and as soon as she started to put up a fuss about something he said she couldn't do he told me to finish getting her out and that I had to come along. Nice.

Aside from all that he is constantly checking up on me. What I'm doing. Why haven't I texted him and when I don't console and coddle him like the abused child he thinks he is he has a massive temper tantrum. (Like the incident with his mom)

This Friday my mom is going to give me some time alone. When she offered the time to me a few weeks ago I made the HUGE mistake of mentioning it to him and now he's all for renting a hotel room. Like I want to spend my free time giving blow jobs and catering to his deprived sexual whims. NOOOOO!!! He even took me to my gyno to get the depo shot. I didn't know what to do. I should have said no. I was an idiot.

IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT - Yes I hear the echo not only in bloggerland but throughout the cosmos! KRISTEN IS AN IDIOT!!

I got the shot.

I don't want to go anywhere with him on Friday. I want time to myself.

I feel so burdened. So pressured. So out of control.

And it's all because of my husband


I could easily drop him like a sack of potatoes. I actually don't know why I don't. It's like the Fat Chick with the food. I'm holding on so tight and I don't know why. Why would someone hold onto something that is hurting them so, in so many different ways?

I think I need to see a therapist. But I don't have the money for that. Is there such a thing as free therapy?

The first 5 months of this weight loss journey my life was pretty much husband free. That is when I lost the most weight. I enjoyed life. I didn't feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells. I didn't feel like everything out of my mouth was going to cause me grief.

I understand this now. A leopard doesn't change its spots nor a tiger its stripes nor a man his ways. I guess this last month was the last hoorah of trying to make things work. The last hoorah of trying to make a temporary 'feel good' thing permanent. It can't be. It's too detrimental. Like sugary and fatty and highly caloric foods, my husband just isn't good for me or my life.

Now to work on letting go . . .

XO Kristen 


  1. Wow... I have a ton of respect for you! You after everything, tried again. To give it another go. (I personally, would have been like PEACE!) That shows that you really cared. You are such a caring person for him to be like this, wow. Whatever ends up happening. I hope YOU are truly happy!

  2. Do you mind if I ask a question? I mean this sincerely.......why are you allowing this man to run your life with his manipulation? I'm sure you love him, but you have to love yourself too. I'm a firm believer that you are only treated the way you allow someone to treat you. It almost seems he enjoys controlling/manipulating you. After years of being hurt by men and a few therapy sessions I have finally learned to love and respect myself. I'm the happiest I have ever been. I hope the same for you.....:)You deserve better!

  3. Heard this from you before. The question isn't what he is, it's what YOU are. It's easy to blame him--he's a nasty bit of work and a jackass. The problem here is not him. It's you. You do these things because they serve a purpose for you (just like we eat cause it serves a purpose for us--to calm us, to get a fix of sugar or serotonin, to distract our boredom, to give us pleasure). You took him back cause you saw a benefit in it. Now, you see that it's not beneficial. Keep the eyes open.

    You need a divorce laywer more than you need a therapist. You said it yourself--once he was out of the picture, you felt better. Just say no. Just kick him out. Make boundaries and do not deviate. You dieted on your own by giving up certain foods and limiting calories. Well, he's a food, give him up, consider him a hot fudge sundae that's gonna give you a heart attack.

    As long as you blame him, you take your eyes away from your own responsibility in enabling him to keep finding a way in. Keep your eyes on YOU and your girls and take them away from him.

    And yes, there is free therapy (might be hard to get in this economic environment but it exists). I think people with more severe issues will get priority over you, though. But it's worth researching. Even if it's a group of ladies in codependent relationships or some church group for the emotionally abused. Whichever. Could help. Call your churches and do googling.

    Wish you well. You and the girls.

  4. I really am a guy. I read hotels and blow jobs and I perked up.. Get a divorce lawyer and a friend in immigration and drop this douche bag. He is starting to piss me off..

  5. Use Friday as a day to contact a lawyer.

  6. Can you try to do one nice thing for yourself as a start? Tell him your solo on Friday. You need it and you are taking the time for YOURSELF. He'll probably use the old line "if you cared, you would let me be with you." And you're going to use your line, "If YOU cared, you'd understand that I need to be alone." Then see a divorce lawyer and mark that your first day of freedom for the rest of your life. I hope you are able to give yourself this gift. You so deserve it.

  7. I feel so burdened. So pressured. So out of control.

    And it's all because of my husband

    How do I say this right.
    It's not because of your husband.
    he is taking what he can.
    You are giving it.
    Stop giving and there is nothing to take.
    Sit him down and point by point tell him why you are divorcing him.
    After you contact a lawyer...
    on friday.
    Never ever talk to his mother again.
    she raised him.
    there is a reason he is like he is.
    And the parents are generally the reason.
    protect yourself.
    draw your boundaries

  8. Kristen, call your local women's shelter and they will be able to get you some help. You can get the help so that you may find the strength to say no to him and to leave him for good.
    He doesn't seem to have anything to offer you, you deserve so much better than this fool.

  9. Time to go...time to discover who you are without the emotional fat you say your husband is. You had a glimpse of that girl, loved her, loved being her. I know how scary it is to end something like you've been involved in for years cuz Ive been there. I promise you as scary and as difficult as it feels to END it all and start over--it WILL be ok!!! HUGS

  10. Good luck sweetie. It does sound like you need to talk to a therapist. I know you said he has physically abused you before, and it sounds like he is continuing to mentally/emotionally abuse you still. There are groups out there that help abused women and one of them may have a free therapist you can talk to. i would check into it for sure.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...