MY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATMY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FATIf you read my last post, you'll get this. I had this revelation today.
Okay, I hear the unanimous DUH! echoing around blogland. It doesn't take a person with even half a brain and two partially working eyes who has read my story to understand this. My husband has always been a detriment in my life. Sad and harsh, but true.
This last month plus some I have been working really hard to 'work it out'. He begged me not to get the divorce. I obliged. I told myself I would give it my damnedest.
Meanwhile my eating suffers. I cannot get past 55lbs lost. I. JUST. CANNOT. DO. IT. And until now I didn't understand why.
The only variably between the first 5 months of my journey and now is that I let him back in. And even having promised to give it my damnedest is not worth my health.
For a while everything was going well.
Now things are reverting to the way they were. He is possessive, passive-aggressive, jealous, verbally-mentally-emotionally controlling.
He said something to me the other day.
"La forma de dar es en la forma de recibir."
I don't think I get the full meaning of this but loosely it translates into, 'the way to give is the way to receive.'
He says he has given me so much an that in return I should be willing to 'gratify' him however he pleases. (and no I'm not talking sex, although that is a part of it)
He has asked me to put my wedding rings back on. I did.
He asked me to consider going to Mexico for Buzzy's 3rd birthday. I said I would.
He asked me to consider living with him again. I said I would.
He then TOLD me I was going to be talking to his mom.
I asked him (very politely) if next time he could ask me before he committed me to something.
He got PISSED.
"La forma de dar es en la forma de recibir." he told me - basically threatening me that if I didn't do what he wanted, I could expect Jack sh*t (no not the blogger..lol) from him.
He then went on to praise himself as some kind of god for having erased the girls' phone numbers from his phone. (The ones he works with and who he has texted flirty - lovey dovey things to) As if he did me a huge favor by doing that.
So, the next day I talked to his mom.
(REMEMBER, THE BITCH WHO TOLD ME I SHOULD SPLIT MY CHILDREN UP BY GIVING ONE TO HIM TO TAKE BACK TO MEXICO AND KEEPING ONE HERE???... YEAH THAT ONE)
Yep, I was an idiot and I agreed (silently begrudging) and she sounded like she wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her. The conversation was strained and pointless.
The next day we went to the pumpkin patch. He asked me to send him photos via our iPhones. I agreed. There was no set time for me to do this so I figured when the girls were asleep that night I would. He texts me later wanting to know where his pictures were and why I ignored him all day and that I hadn't changed.
I sent him the photos. That was that. Except before we said goodnight he TOLD me I would be talking to his dad the next day.
I said okay just to shut him up.
Yesterday was the day I was supposed to talk to his dad.
Yesterday I had a migraine. He dragged me all over friggin' Timbuktu knowing I had a migraine and then once we were both in our respective homes he apologized profusely for it, which is so typically him. Make me suffer and then when the suffering is done, THEN APOLOGIZE. But an apology to him means nothing. To me it means, I'm sorry it won't happen again. To him it means, I'm only saying I'm sorry to make you think I am and next time it happens I will do the same thing and all will be forgiven because I said I'm sorry.
He wasn't very good with the girls yesterday. Buzzy leaned on him during lunch and dinner (mind you she's two years old) and he elbows her away while sneering 'let me eat.' He also grabbed Breezy's spoon away from her on several occasions because she was making a mess (what one year old doesn't?)
And then when we were done eating and the girls were a bit whiny out of nowhere he stood up and was all 'okay already! Let's go!" It was so uncalled for.
At the park I decided to test his fathering skills. As I mentioned I had a migraine and so I asked him to take the girls to the park himself. (Mind you I had no intentions of letting him actually take them alone. I don't trust him to be able to watch them both. I just wanted to see if he would make the effort)
He started to get Buzzy out of the car and as soon as she started to put up a fuss about something he said she couldn't do he told me to finish getting her out and that I had to come along. Nice.
Aside from all that he is constantly checking up on me. What I'm doing. Why haven't I texted him and when I don't console and coddle him like the abused child he thinks he is he has a massive temper tantrum. (Like the incident with his mom)
This Friday my mom is going to give me some time alone. When she offered the time to me a few weeks ago I made the HUGE mistake of mentioning it to him and now he's all for renting a hotel room. Like I want to spend my free time giving blow jobs and catering to his deprived sexual whims. NOOOOO!!! He even took me to my gyno to get the depo shot. I didn't know what to do. I should have said no. I was an idiot.
IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT - Yes I hear the echo not only in bloggerland but throughout the cosmos! KRISTEN IS AN IDIOT!!
I got the shot.
I don't want to go anywhere with him on Friday. I want time to myself.
I feel so burdened. So pressured. So out of control.
And it's all because of my husband
MY HUSBAND IS MY EMOTIONAL FAT.
I could easily drop him like a sack of potatoes. I actually don't know why I don't. It's like the Fat Chick with the food. I'm holding on so tight and I don't know why. Why would someone hold onto something that is hurting them so, in so many different ways?
I think I need to see a therapist. But I don't have the money for that. Is there such a thing as free therapy?
The first 5 months of this weight loss journey my life was pretty much husband free. That is when I lost the most weight. I enjoyed life. I didn't feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells. I didn't feel like everything out of my mouth was going to cause me grief.
I understand this now. A leopard doesn't change its spots nor a tiger its stripes nor a man his ways. I guess this last month was the last hoorah of trying to make things work. The last hoorah of trying to make a temporary 'feel good' thing permanent. It can't be. It's too detrimental. Like sugary and fatty and highly caloric foods, my husband just isn't good for me or my life.
Now to work on letting go . . .