Sunday, November 7, 2010

CORNERED & SAD

I think that daylight savings time is one of the stupidest ideas ever. Perhaps there are benefits that I am not aware of but as someone floundering on the cusp of depression, and as someone who finds great joy when bathed in light I find it very difficult not to succumb to the immediate onslaught of darkness.


Here, when you wake up at 7:45 which would have been 9:45 and it is only dawn it messes with your mind. It makes you want to go back to sleep. It makes me want to sleep the day away. Then as the day slowly moves forward the light rises into the sky (sometimes - because here in Washington it's more like the light rises into the sky behind the dense clouds which actually then makes no difference) and life moves on. Then as the day afternoon slowly comes to a close dusk settles over this part of the woods at 3:30PM!!

WTF?!?!

Not three months ago the sun rose at around 6am and at 3:00 in the afternoon it was a HOT time of day with the sun high in the sky and hopes of the weather only getting HOTTER until 5pm. Then the sun would not set until around 8pm if not later.

Now it rises at 8ish in the morning and sets at 3. Well, it will gradually set earlier until it sets at three. I am thinking it will set around 4:30 starting today.

So, let me think. 10 hours of daylight VS. 7. Hmmm, 3 hours may not sound like a big deal but it is. For me.

For.depression.It.Is.

So, like I said I hate 'day light savings time'. I don't see the purpose or benefit. Then again I am feeling cornered and like I'm slowly drowning over here so forgive me for anyone who actually likes the whole shorter day season. I am sure if I wasn't in such a bad place, I may feel the same.

Day light savings time USED to be one of my favorite times. 1 more hour of sleep. Shorter days - because I was a seriously committed night owl and I also USED to love day light savings because at night jackets are more acceptable than during the hot days in California and I could wear a jacket to cover my body without getting too many looks.

Yesterday at the Christmas bazaar I was particularly saddened by the old fashioned Santa things I found. Statues, figurines, paintings, Christmas ornaments. All with the cherub faced Santa Clause of my childhood. I miss those things and those times. Simple times. When my biggest concern was whether I wanted to spend Friday night with my family or my friends. When I would spend hours listening to Christmas music with the family and pretend to be begrudging when they would force me to go see the neighborhoods decorated with Christmas lights. When we would bake Christmas cookies and decorate the house and the tree and wrap the front door . . . I always pretended to hate it but I really loved it . . . and I miss it.

My age is also a contributor to my depression and sadness. I know I am nowhere near old. 26 is NOT old but I feel like every year my life slowly slips away faster. The seasons are upon us before we know it and over before we know it and then summer rolls around and then the ever quicker reel of days passes once again. I feel like at this pace before I know it I'm gonna be double my age. 52 and of course that sends me into a whole new bout of sadness. At 52 it is unlikely some of the people I love most will be alive.

Who knows where I will be with my weight.
Who knows where I will be with my husband.
Will I still be living with my mother?
What will my daughters think of me?
Will they be successful?
When I am 52 they will be 28 and 27.
Will I be a grandmother?
Why does my mind spin with pointless questions that have no answers?
Why do I insist on torturing myself?
The answer to that is, I don't know.


Thankfully Buzzy is coughing less.

Breezy's nose is running less.

My body hurts less.

Now, if I could just numb my brain.

That would be incredible.

Just a few moments of peace . . .
That's all I would ask . . .
XO Kristen

6 comments :

  1. I wish Peace was bottled and I could I send it to you.. the questions you are asking yourself.. are not yet written with answers.. because dear they are your life.. .your scrapbook... who knows what amazing things will happen to you when you are 52.. and being much closer to that age than you are I can say I blossomed at 40.. become more myself.. and less concerned what others thought of me... I am looking forward to 50 with excitement it means I have been promoted and I am alive and god willing healthy...
    Here daylight savings time means we just fall back one hour.. I am in the central time zone.. I would think thats what it means everywhere.. so it gets lighter earlier .. and darker earlier too... not sure where you are exactly though..
    I know it might seem difficult right now.. but your future is not yet written and you can write it.. being one who has fought the good fight with weight all my life... I can say .. why yes it would be amazing if you were at a healthy weight prior to being in your 50s.. but if not.. it does not deem you a failure.. it just means you have not found what works with you yet.. and Honey you have A VERY LONG TIME TO ACHIEVE YOUR HEALTHY GOALS PRIOR TO THAT AGE DO IT NOW.. it will be easier... it took me 47 years to learn that.. and now I am working hard to reach my goal before number 50 says hello... I just turned 48... ... while life is uncertain.. life is good.. think of all the history yet to be written and how you can influence it.. influence yourself.. there is an amazing world out there.. there are amazing things yet to happen to you too.. but as the circle of life is ever changing .. you will experience more and more loss. it is just part of this circle we live in called life.. it is what makes you grow and be stronger as you get older... learning to deal with the not so good times and treasuring the wonderful times even more.. Life is a blessing.. and a good thing.. and an adventure.. one I know that when I die my tombstone should read: Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming - WOW - What a Ride!~ UNKNOWN ~ at least that is how I see it... enjoy what you have and make decisions in your best interest about your future..
    wishing you peace
    Honi

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  2. Being a depression sufferer myself - I find I crave the darkness and shy away from the light. Darkness matches my mood and in the dark I feel like I don't have to pretend. Everyone is always gloomy when it's rainy or dark...so I can be too and no one questions it. LOL

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  3. I hate daylight savings time also. It messes with my whole schedule of the hours in a day. I think it affects us most because the days are shorter and it feels like we're losing time on getting our weight issues in order. It sounds crazy but that's at least that's how I've felt during most winter months. As if time is getting shorter for me to get things done.

    I remember I had plans, certain things I wanted to achieve by the time I was 28 years old. None of which happened. So I set another goal to have certain things by the time I was 31. It inspired me to move my ass a bit but even then only 1 of my goals was achieved. Now, at 42, having been through so much crap in my life (more bad than good it seems), I just try to enjoy each day for what it brings me. Sometimes it's a good day and sometimes not. But I don't give up because those few and far between good days have made a big difference and now, it seems as if there are more good than bad days.

    You'll get there. :)
    {{{{{{hugs}}}}}

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  4. Since I'll be hitting the 52 year mark in a couple of weeks let me reassure you just a bit.
    It's better than 26.
    It's better than 40.
    Yeah, I'm closer to the end of it all, but hopefully I still have a way to go. I feel younger now than I did in my twenties.
    I finally like myself and I love my life. I still have many adventures ahead of me. That's why I'm striving to be healthier. I still have a lot of stuff I want to do.

    As you progress through your years, you will reach certain points of your life where you will have an epiphany and think to yourself, "Do I want to spend even one more minute of my precious time doing this? No." and you make a change.
    (sorry, but that is why I doubt that you'll stay with your husband. This is not the worse thing that can happen to you. He doesn't treat you in a respectful way, and you know that. Voice of experience speaking)

    It's up to you where you will be with your weight. At least you have control over that, even though you may think that you don't. You do.
    You have no control over who will still be with you at 30, let alone 52. So make sure that the people you love know that you love them.

    I am thrilled by the time change. It gives me an extra hour of daylight in the morning to get some exercise. I've already been going home in the dark for the past month, so I welcome this.
    By the way... we are now on standard time. Just came off Daylight Savings time.

    Please take care of you. Depression sucks. Lack of sunlight sucks. Being unhappy sucks.
    Having people care about you... that's pretty great.

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  5. I am 52 also and totally agree with everything Rebecka said. Believe me better times are coming for you. I may have more wrinkles than I would like, but I wouldn't go back (to 26) even if I could.

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  6. I am 38.

    I have depression and seasonal affective disorder plus some other things...

    I have increased my Vitamin D intake and it's been helping as I am usually well into depression by this time of the year.

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