Here, when you wake up at 7:45 which would have been 9:45 and it is only dawn it messes with your mind. It makes you want to go back to sleep. It makes me want to sleep the day away. Then as the day slowly moves forward the light rises into the sky (sometimes - because here in Washington it's more like the light rises into the sky behind the dense clouds which actually then makes no difference) and life moves on. Then as the day afternoon slowly comes to a close dusk settles over this part of the woods at 3:30PM!!
Not three months ago the sun rose at around 6am and at 3:00 in the afternoon it was a HOT time of day with the sun high in the sky and hopes of the weather only getting HOTTER until 5pm. Then the sun would not set until around 8pm if not later.
Now it rises at 8ish in the morning and sets at 3. Well, it will gradually set earlier until it sets at three. I am thinking it will set around 4:30 starting today.
So, let me think. 10 hours of daylight VS. 7. Hmmm, 3 hours may not sound like a big deal but it is. For me.
So, like I said I hate 'day light savings time'. I don't see the purpose or benefit. Then again I am feeling cornered and like I'm slowly drowning over here so forgive me for anyone who actually likes the whole shorter day season. I am sure if I wasn't in such a bad place, I may feel the same.
Day light savings time USED to be one of my favorite times. 1 more hour of sleep. Shorter days - because I was a seriously committed night owl and I also USED to love day light savings because at night jackets are more acceptable than during the hot days in California and I could wear a jacket to cover my body without getting too many looks.
Yesterday at the Christmas bazaar I was particularly saddened by the old fashioned Santa things I found. Statues, figurines, paintings, Christmas ornaments. All with the cherub faced Santa Clause of my childhood. I miss those things and those times. Simple times. When my biggest concern was whether I wanted to spend Friday night with my family or my friends. When I would spend hours listening to Christmas music with the family and pretend to be begrudging when they would force me to go see the neighborhoods decorated with Christmas lights. When we would bake Christmas cookies and decorate the house and the tree and wrap the front door . . . I always pretended to hate it but I really loved it . . . and I miss it.
My age is also a contributor to my depression and sadness. I know I am nowhere near old. 26 is NOT old but I feel like every year my life slowly slips away faster. The seasons are upon us before we know it and over before we know it and then summer rolls around and then the ever quicker reel of days passes once again. I feel like at this pace before I know it I'm gonna be double my age. 52 and of course that sends me into a whole new bout of sadness. At 52 it is unlikely some of the people I love most will be alive.
Who knows where I will be with my weight.
Who knows where I will be with my husband.
Will I still be living with my mother?
What will my daughters think of me?
Will they be successful?
When I am 52 they will be 28 and 27.
Will I be a grandmother?
Why does my mind spin with pointless questions that have no answers?
Why do I insist on torturing myself?
The answer to that is, I don't know.
Thankfully Buzzy is coughing less.
Breezy's nose is running less.
My body hurts less.
Now, if I could just numb my brain.
That would be incredible.
Just a few moments of peace . . .
That's all I would ask . . .