Tuesday, November 2, 2010

FIRST THE LIGHT... THEN THE HEAVY

THE LIGHT (ER)
 First pic was taken eons ago. Second pic was taken a couple months ago and third pic was taken today. Do you see the difference I see? Cuz I see a whole lot less belly fat filling in that definition. Then again, maybe I'm seeing things. LOL


 
THE HEAVY
Put yourself in my shoes.
I am in love with a man who has hurt me (emotionally) on a fairly regular basis. We are separated. We live different lives, but together. We always know where the other is (not by checking up but just because 10 years of habit puts probability on our side) We have been through shit storms and back. Everything from jealous outrage to postpartum blues to Mexican witchcraft and the recovery after severing body parts. We have history. I have always trusted him as faithful to me, even though I know he is a very flirtatious and friendly person.
9 years ago, 1 year after cutting off his fingers he got a job at a restaurant. He worked with a few women but one in particular he made very very VERY good friends with. Mind you we had only been dating for a little over a year and so I had no reason to believe anything more than friendship was going on. To this day I don’t know IF there was anything more going on. But she did bring him (and only him) food from home all the time. He constantly got calls from her (even though she was either married or involved) He asked relationship advice from her and cried on her shoulder when he and I would fight. Of course this drove me nuts but I didn’t really think anything of it. I didn’t see much of a problem with having a female friend/coworker.
Fast forward 5 years and we are married after having lived some torturous and horrible times as well as some fabulous heavenly times and 6 months in Mexico together. His first long term job up here was at another restaurant. Same situation. He makes friends fast. Both men and women, but he is always drawn to the women to commiserate and gossip and talk with. Again, she would bring him food, clothing, and other things from home. Now that I was his wife, this DID bother me. It bothered me that he got phone calls all the time that had nothing to do with work. It bothered me that he would spend hours on the phone with this woman (who coincidentally had the same name as the first)
He got a second job when times started getting rough. Introduce a whole onslaught of new male friends and 3 new female friends. Laura, Yusmari and Ana. From the beginning they were friends. He would talk about them at home and how they wanted to meet me, yada yada and of course I was never interested. If it was with their significant other or husband or whatever, fine, but why the hell do I want to meet one of your female friend/coworkers? Shits N giggles I’m sure. He spent hours upon hours on the phone with the three of them. In front of me. I tried to be understanding. It didn’t pay off. Then I tried the pissed route and that only made the conversations a little shorter. But they still existed. Gossip on the phone about other people at work, why people are flirting with other people, blah blah blah for hours on MY TIME with MY HUSBAND. Again, he would bring home tamales and clean work shirts that they ‘offered to wash for him’ and other crap.
We separated in 2009 3 months after the birth of my youngest. We were apart for a good 10 months before I decided to REALLY give it another try. I DO still love him. I DON’T ever want to be with anyone else. AND I REALIZE this is a typical abusive relationship where the woman is blind and says these things…blah blah blah.
On my husband’s last birthday when I decided to try things out again, I was taking photos of him and our girls on the carousel when he received a text. From one of those women. It didn’t say anything particularly horrible but I was curious just what they had talked about previously (because on iPhones you have a conversation not individual texting) and so I went to the text and found texts to all three women. The ones to Yusmari had all been deleted but because there was a file it was obvious that there once had been texts. The ones to Laura were also deleted but the ones to Ana were the ones that widened my eyes.
He had gone to Mexico in April. She had texted him that she missed him. Called him Papi and wished he’d come home soon. His text reciprocated that he missed her. I saw blinding red. Jealousy, anger, fear and hate all raged.
I questioned him about it and he said that it was just something he said. That he didn’t really mean it. Uh huh. Yeah right.
A couple weeks later I was still having issues with the whole idea and somehow he happened to come out with that all three of the girls had at one time or another verbalized the want to sleep with him. He said he didn’t. He said he wouldn’t. He loved me too much. Uh huh. I’m not sure I believe him.
He then admits that while we were physically separated that (in his words only on a friendly basis) did he tell ALL three girls about our problems and asked for their advice to which the unanimous answer was to divorce me, get rid of me and pick one of them. Nice. I tell him that if we are to ever have even the smallest argument, whether it is about his life and death circumstances or a selection of socks he is never to talk about me with them ever again. He promises. PROMISES PROMISES.
A couple weeks later we get in a small argument. Something regarding his mom because he is the KING of the mama’s boys. And he goes to commiserate and drown his sorrows with Yusmari. I call him out on it and mind you I was totally bluffing and he openly admits to it. Does the whole apology thing and again promises never to talk about me with them again. At this time I ask him out of respect for me to delete all texts, voicemails (because OMG there were so many) and phone numbers from his phone. He does so.
The day before Halloween we were having a problem paying our cell bill the way we usually do so I had a tech person walk me through the online process and she proceeded to show me all the nifty things you can view. She then told me I could see past bills up to a year and a half before and ‘monitor my kids’ phones’ even though my ‘kids’ are actually his nephews. Which got me thinking.
This is obviously where the phrase, ‘Curiosity killed the cat.’ Came from cause I so did not want to see what I saw when I pulled up those year and a half worth’s of phone bills.
Texts. So many texts to and from ALL THREE OF THE GIRLS. Phone calls lasting hours. AND SEVERAL TEXTS AND SEVERAL PHONE CALLS EACH DAY. And this wasn’t JUST when we were separated. It extended even further back when we were living together. Of course I knew he talked to them but I had NO IDEA how much!
So, now with the proof of the massive amount of a communications between these three women and my husband, as well as his admittance of talking with them about EVERYTHING under God’s yellow sun and also admitting that they have openly offered their bodies to him . . . I am at a loss for words. I am so hurt. I am so sad. I feel so betrayed and I feel sooooo STUPID. Worst of all. I still love him which makes it hurt even worse.
The worst of it all… even… he says he deleted all communications. He says he doesn’t even talk to them at work anymore (which I did not ask of him – I only asked he not talk about me) and he says he would tell me if they text or call him. The worst of it is now there is a fourth girl. Jane. Transferred from preparatory stuff in the restaurant to the same position as my husband and she has now offered him her phone number and asked for his in return and scoffed when he supposedly refused. Then he laid it all on my shoulders. He said I don’t let him give out his number nor do I let him have other women’s phone numbers. DAMN  STRAIGHT!! Not with a track record like that!!!
And thee absolute worst part. The part that wrenches my guts . . . he sees them EVERY DAY. Whether he says he does or doesn’t HE TALKS TO THEM EVERY DAY. And I sit here at home twittling my thumbs, letting my heart wretch out of my chest because I don’t know what he says is true and what he says is a lie.
Why? Cuz I know he lied.
Ana texted him a week or so ago. I saw it on our latest bill. She texted him twice. He responded once. I asked him about it. He said she sent one he sent none. I called him on his lie and he said he didn’t tell me so it wouldn’t hurt me. Well, damn then, cuz it’s too late.
I now know what it feels like to be ‘the idiot woman who can’t take her blinders off and leave her stupid cheating husband.’ I know how it feels and it sucks, but let me tell you. There is validity in any love someone has for someone else and just because it isn’t deserved and it isn’t logical or even beneficial… it’s there.
And so I suffer.
XO Kristen
PS: Just in case you couldn't see in the tiny pics ... haha

7 comments :

  1. I see the difference!! Good for you and I have to say that you are really brave to put up pics of you in your undies!! I don't think I will ever feel comfortable in my own skin to do that!! You are really brave though to do it!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Christina is right, I don't think I'm brave enough to show you guys all my fat. When trying on the shorts and showing you my belly that was enough.
    You are doing wonderfully. I see a huge difference so keep up what you're doing.
    As for your hubby, only you can figure out what to do. If you love him, you gotta trust him. I don't know my dear, I'm lucky..30 years and counting. I just wish you peace and contentment and hope you find what you need in your hubby. He's got to see what he's got in you. Someone loving, caring, always there for him.
    Take care and God Bless!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you look great---PROGRESS is totally happening, and you are brave to post undie-pics!
    About your hubby, I also hope you find peace and contentment with how things are and how they end up in the future. I can relate to the whole curiosity killed the cat thing, but in the end you need to decide if you can continue. Its tough not to let jealousy and fear and all those primal emotions cloud your judgement, and it may take a few tries to get it right but you will. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can definitely see a difference! And as the other ladies have said..kudos to you for being brave enough to bare that much! I couldn't!!

    RE: Hubby - Yuk. Sorry you have to deal with this. Honestly, you have to learn to forgive him & learn to trust him again OR - call the lawyer. ...Or actually, stay married, just not "Be married" you know? #3 = for people that want to be miserable. Just FYI ;-)

    I've had to deal with some mistrust with dh before...nothing as severe as what you're dealing with, but stuff that made me question and snoop..and just be miserable. I had to pray a lot..and finally forgive DH for how he hurt me. And..I've had to learn to trust him, again. I don't see how a marriage can work after a hurt w/o these things.

    Now, all that being said..none of that is any good if hubby doesn't try to change, yanno?

    ReplyDelete
  5. If this were not you but your best friend in this position, what advice would you give her?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sorry, I'm well in the camp that believes in hedges and respect for a partner's feelings. In fact, just about every church we've been members of since marrying in '83 has had some sort of classes or sermons on the hedges that marriages should have to give peace of mind and respect to a partner. My husband should not be having intimacies of that sort (phone calls, texts, endearments) and I should not be having intimacies (ditto, ditto, ditto) with people of the other sex. Period. (I suppose if I was in a gay relationship, it would be none of that with a same sex person.) When I was first online and was chatting it up with anyone and everyone who was friendly way back when, hubby could always read over my shoulder. After a while, when I realized how much flirtatious behavior was out there and I saw one after another person succumb to "adultery" online (emotional and sometimes in person), I put a note on my profile (I will not IM or email with men who are not relatives.) In fact, there are very few men with whom I'll have online friendly mails, and my hubby knows them and he can read these mails whenever he wants. Carte blanche. It's all aboveboard.

    I remember my favorite pastor (who was my fave until he transferred to Chicago, and I still miss his humility and wisdom). When he got his office and it was a solid door, he had them change it to a door with a window/glass, so that when he had to counsel a woman, there was always that precaution. No total privacy. I think that was smart. Even the best of people with the best of intentions can fall to temptation.

    Now, your hubby, who is a known female manipulator, doubtless adores the attention and he doubtlessly manipulates those women just like he does you. And he always will. This leopard ain't changing. And I don't doubt he's had flings, though he's keeping that to himself.

    It's one thing to love someone even if they hurt you (though I suspect that's more dependency and nostalgia combined, rather than love), you can't help that. It's another to allow them to continue to play games in your life. Your space, your life--you set those boundaries.

    I know that a man who knows that something he's doing is wounding his wife and he keeps doing it--that man has a sadistic part. A husband who genuinely loves and cares for a wife doesn't continue to engage in behaviors that disrupt a wife's peace of mind and life.

    Maybe you need to figure out why you're a masochist?

    But be sure, the chances of him changing are slim to none. Miracles are rare.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have to totally agree with Princess.. she could not have said what I was thinking more eloquently...

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...