Thursday, November 25, 2010

HOLIDAY FIGHTS

I love the holidays. Well, I should say I used to love the holidays. They used to be a time of gathering and togetherness, food and celebration. For the last 4 years (specifically since I got married) the holidays bread a new tradition. Fighting.

This year was no different. My husband declares he doesn't feel comfortable in my family's presence because I consult with my mom and grandma when we have marital issues. I understand that. *I think* In any case this is the series of messages that ensued this morning after a good starting - badly ending conversation.

* And just so it is clear, I have been BEGGING him to come to Thanksgiving for weeks. His answer? I'll think about it. Ironically though, a few weeks ago he mentioned going to Mexico for Buzzy's 3rd birthday and I had said I'll think about it and you'd think I'd told him I planned on shooting his mother! He always expects an affirmative when he wants me to do things but 'I'll think about it' is totally acceptable when the tables are turned.

So after our phone conversation he texts me:

HIM: I'm sad because I have always asked to be alone with you and my daughters to celebrate something or to do something and you never want to. You always want to be with your family and yet your sister IS going to be with her boyfriend.

ME: I'm so sorry that you're sad. I understand. I really do. I want you to come and enjoy the celebration with my family too but you don't want to. They want you there too. Buzzy and Breezy are very excited about going to play with their cousins. I wish you would come and see that.

HIM: I hope that when Buzzy's birthday comes you want to go to Mexico to celebrate it and so that they meet my parents and their other family because if you don't want to there's no reason to continue together.

ME: I love you. I wish you'd change your mind.

HIM: Change my mind about what?

ME: To come and be with me and the girls.

HIM: I told you that if you came here first maybe I'd feel like going but you never came, so no. Enjoy your day.

So, it's nearly 10:00 and he hasn't called or texted.

It is so strange how closely my relationship with my husband parallels my relationship with food. They are both bad. I need to fix them both. I fix them both for a short time and then something happens and all hell breaks loose. I can't change how I feel about my husband. I DO love him. But I'm starting to think that as Chris from A Deliberate Life said in THIS POST has a point. You can't let what you feel control your actions especially when you know that the action provoked my certain feelings is detrimental. I need to start feeling my feelings and not acting on them. I need to act appropriately and responsibly. With food. With the husband. My life cannot continue like this.

Like I said, big things are coming. Some are already here and I just haven't spoken of them recently. Please keep me and my girls (especially my girls) and my situation even though you don't know the details in your prayers.

And even though it's a little late:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! 

4 comments :

  1. I've always felt that acting on feelings alone is a stupid-ass way to live--it leads to, yeah, obesity, drug addiction, relationship addictions, reckless actions, procratination, etc.

    Feelings ackknowledged but tempered by reason and measured by a spiritual ruler are the right way to go.

    Hard to do. That's why even the best humans screw up. Feelings are way strong, reason can be shouted down, morality can be ignored so easily.

    Feelings end up destroying us when they rule. Reason alone makes us cold. Morality alone makes us self-righteous. We need all three, but I do believe that feelings often come to the fore and choose for us.

    Hope your new plans rock the world for you. Blessings and grace on you and your little ones. I also pray God knocks some sense and maturity into your husband, no matter what you decide. He will just hurt some other woman acting that way, if it isn't you. God bless us..EVERYONE<--channeling Tiny Tim for the season.

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  2. Hugs to you!! My hubby doesn't really like my family and I don't care for his mom but I always suck it up and go. Women need to share things but men don't get this. Hope you had fun anyways!

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  3. Good evening my friend. Holidays are sometimes the most stressful for hubby/wives. We've been married for 30 years, for 20 of them I go to my family get togethers without Jim. He refuses to go and after 10 years of begging him to go I gave up. It wasn't worth the heartache and pain of feeling like he hated everyone. Now I'm expected to always go out with his parents and since I'm the wife and he is king (or at least I let him think so sometimes) I do go out. I don't know what you're going to do but for me, it's better for us all to let Jim stay home and fend for himself on family get togethers and when invited out with his parents, suck it up and smile and really just enjoy the fact I'm not cooking.
    It's hard the working on this but it is worth it.
    Take care my friend. Take care and God Bless!!

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  4. I think you're doing the right thing by not allowing him into manipulate you into staying home when you want to be with your family of origin. I wouldn't hinge your decisions based on his bad choices of staying home, though. If you think it would be good for your kids to have a trip to Mexico and a relationship with his family of origin, then you should go regardless of his choices about your family. After all, you can't control his behavior, but you can make good choices on your own. I wouldn't leave their sides in a foreign country though - even Mexico. I've seen too many Lifetime movies.

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