Saturday, November 6, 2010

SILENCE

As some of you may have noticed, I went private for about 24 hours and while I am now back to open blogging I am thinking about going to an ‘invite only’ basis.
I have had a few questionable views on my blog. I am concerned that the very few people who I actually don’t get along with in real life have found it and are going to use it against me in any way they can.
Eating has been a nightmare.
I have been extremely stressed.
Can anyone relate to my downward spiral?
Depression seems to be knocking on my door and it’s a persistent little bugger. I find myself lost in thought. I find myself easily distracted from life’s day to day events. The smallest of triggers can send me into an emotional nosedive that I find so hard to correct.
For example, today we went to the Ladybug Bazaar, the first of many Bazaars here in this town that comes when Christmas is near. I went sans children and I felt so alone, so empty. Even though I was with my grandmothers, my aunt and my cousin it felt wrong. Not so much festive and tedious and not so much enjoyable as aggravating. Everywhere I looked there were tiny babies in wraps on their mommies’ chests and I had this squeeze of nostalgia for the two years prior when I too had a newborn cuddled against my chest as I enjoyed the festivities.
I find it so ironic. Last year I weighed around 325 if not more at this time of year but somehow I was happier. Not happier with my body and certainly not healthy, but there was something that is missing this year. I don’t know what it is and have yet to put a finger on it.
For the last week and a half if not two weeks my girls and I have been sick. Runny noses, sinus pressure, cough, sore throat, achy muscles and joints. Not pretty. I missed both my Zumba classes last week because of it and my body is reminding me how good it feels to move and how awful I feel when I don’t. Today we had to do a short sprint across a busy street to get from the Bazaar to the bank. That first sprint had me crunched to one side with a splitting side cramp and it didn’t let up until several hours later. I need to move. There is no excuse not to move. If even a little so I don’t feel this way anymore.
I am pretty sure the term DH is pretty common around the blogosphere and I will be using that from now on to refer to well . . . my DH because like I said I am not sure what might be repeated where (which actually really sucks considering this is supposed to be my own personal diary of sorts – I should be able to say anything I want.) Anyway, I am sure that is one of the leading factors to my roller coaster of emotions. Once upon a time Princess Dieter said that DH was like a drug to me and I think it’s true. The really horrible part is that I recognize the addiction. I recognize the dependence. I recognize the detriment and yet I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to change it. How horrible is that?
Princess Dieter also brought up the theory of being a masochist and I think in several ways that might be true. I don’t know if I think I deserve pain, if I think it’s inevitable so I deal with it or if I actually enjoy it but it’s there. It’s there when I torture myself thinking about the betrayal. I don’t just think about it either. I dwell in it, wallow in it. I imagine it again and again and play it out again and again in my head. I torture myself by scouring the phone bills for phone numbers, reading into the minutes spent on the phone. Reading into the number of text messages sent back and forth. I torture myself on a daily basis. Do I deserve that? Do I not deserve better? My brain tells me of course you don’t deserve that and of course you deserve better but there is a feeling deep inside me that contradicts my brain.
I have been medicating with food. What’s new right? Yeah, old news I know. If you’re disappointed in me, you can bet I’m 1000x more disappointed in me.
And this is where my mishmash of ramblings trails off. Goodnight blog world.
XO Kristen

9 comments :

  1. you are missing your 'family'. Last year you had a whole one, and this year one person is missing. It's very normal. hang in there, YOu will work through this.

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  2. Depression is a real, real and awful thing. I know. Been long whiles with the black dog. YOu are not only feeling down, feeling stressed, feeling sick (sickness like your and your girls have been going through takes a real toll on the body, and that itself can aggravate the other stuff, ya know, depression, desire to comfort eat, etc).

    Food gives pleasure. Real, brain-glowing pleasure. It's no wonder when other things gives pain that so many of us get the immediate "pleasure fix" that food can give and give reliably. We medicate with it. So, don't be surprised that you're going to it in this tough time.

    Upheavals in life sap joy. If you can, go see the doc. Seriously, see the doc. Talk about this. Make sure your body is okay in other ways (just in case, cause with women, stuff can go wacky).

    Until you heal fully, it's best to do lighter movement--not Zumba. Your immune system is kinda busy healing you. Zumba's not going anywhere. When you're healed, it will be there.

    I hope you find a way to get back on level ground. I know what it's like to be in a horrible emotional place and would only wish that on the worst and most horrible enemies. So, my thoughts are for your healing and calm and that in that healed calm, you can regain joy.

    If you think it's best to go private, do so. If you think you need to stop talking family stuff on the blog, do so. Maybe it would be better, overall, to have confidantes in real life and not bloggy life--people who you can just spill it out to in privacy. Dunno if you have people like that...some of us don't.

    Well, hope when you wake up, things start to look better.

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  3. And they say there is such a thing as freedom to express yourself. Don't worry; we love you.

    Hope it gets better.

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  4. Princess Dieter is a smart girl. Definitely take her advice and see the doctor ASAP. You've got to take care of yourself so you can take care of your little ones. Counselling helps, too, it really does.

    Sounds like the little ones have the flu and I hope they get over it soon. So miserable! And so hard for mom not to catch it from them.

    Sometimes I think that as girls we are addicted to the IDEA or even IDEAL of a husband more than the actual person himself. We want so much to be taken care of (at least I do) and reall? It's not their job. I struggle with that myself. Getting better at taking care of myself these days, finding things to be happy about, working on taking responsibility for myself. It's not fun or easy, but necessary sometimes.

    Take care of yourself and feel better soon!

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  5. I also agree with Princess Dieter..and Lainie. Please see a doctor asap.

    I have bipolar 2 disorder and know very much what it is like to spiral into a depression..literally. It's very real and a very horrible feeling. I describe it for myself like "a ton of bricks" hitting me. and when it hits, it hits hard.

    I have been in therapy for 5 years..and it's not just because of my diagnoses, but I NEED it..and it helps so much.

    What lanie said about the dh thing..the idea or ideal of a husband more than the actual person himself...so so so so so true.

    I'm thinking of you today.

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  6. Hugs! If you go private, please send me an invite to: butterflylady97@yahoo.com

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  7. You can change the name of your blog and take out your name without going private or losing followers...could maybe that work? Private invite blogs are so hard to follow because they don't show up in dashboard and I want you to keep all our support. Either way - let me know - I'm on your side and you can do this....hang on.

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  8. please keep me informed if you go private I do care.. and I hate to see you in such pain .. I also believe that underneath the eating is the true issues and it very well could be depression which is not a bad thing.. sadly there is such a stigma to being depressed if you are depressed, vent, talk.. walk.. get it out.. here or to a close personal friend.. call someone.. get it out... depression eats us from the inside and we eat it from the outside.. I hope you can find some peace and resolve with your husband.. in my heart I feel you deserve more.. and better.. for you are worth far more than the sum of your pounds.. and how you feel right now.. try and focus on the good things this marriage brought you... your children primarily... focus on those blessings ... I wish you and your husband were able to go to a counselor or religious advisor.. mostly.. and I said this before I wish you peace of mind.. and I also wish you faith in yourself for all the wonderfulness that is you!

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  9. I don't have anything to add to what everyone else has to say, but I wanted to give you a :blog hug: Depression sucks. I know it all too well. Depression nearly claimed my life about 10 years go.

    The thing that helps me make it through the really dark times is not to isolate myself more than 48 hours and to get out and take a walk at least once per day. It helps to clear the hardest of the gloomies away so that you can at least think more clearly.

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