Sunday, November 7, 2010

WHEN I FALL . . .

If you have been following my journey for any length of time, you know that I 'fall off the wagon' regularly and pick myself back up. I'm not proud of it, nor do I plan it and I try hard as hell not to accept it. But it does happen. I just have to deal with it and move on. Thank God, though, my chronic tendency to flee the stupid wagon does not send me on a ascending spiral back to where I came from (300lb range) I always seem to gain a couple pounds + water weight and then when I convince myself the stupidity must stop I always drop it easily.

Once again, I fell off the wagon. It started with my birthday mid-October and has culminated into an all-out free-for-all until now. Normally at this point I would be so enthusiastic and all gung-ho to start fresh and new tomorrow but something is different. I'm not enthusiastic. I'm not gung-ho and I'm guessing this could be either a very good thing or a very bad thing.

It could be a bad thing because maybe I feel like I am just setting myself up to fail. Maybe I am disappointed in myself that I have allowed myself to get this far gone, to get to this point and not have achieved more. It could be a bad thing because I wonder if even after all my good intentions if my plan to start tomorrow will backfire and I will just continue along the path of abuse and food medication I have been on for a few weeks.

Then again, my lack of enthusiasm could be a good thing. Perhaps I realize now that this is not a game or a 'diet' or a temporary plan and therefore my lack of enthusiasm is not due to my lack of want but to my determination to do what is necessary and succeed.

Regardless, my intentions are to go back to my very first game plan at the very beginning of this journey. 1500 calories a day. Exercise and water.

I realized another big part of my success then and my consistent error now is that THEN, I was doing this for me. I was doing this to make me healthy so that I could be happy and live a good long life for my girls. I realized this morning that for the last several months I have been doing this for HIM, for THEM. (And no, by them I do not mean my daughters)

Now I am sure you know who HIM is but THEM? Can you guess? Well, in case you can't I have been trying like hell to lose weight for the girls who my husband works with. Whatever warped mentality that has been dragging me through the mud had convinced me that I needed to lose weight to be thinner, sexier, and BETTER than them. I now realize that regardless of my size nothing is going to change what has happened.

I would still feel inferior to them, disrespected by HIM and THEM and ultimately like the shit they treat me as.

I need to want to be healthy and thinner and sexier and BETTER for myself. No one else. No one else counts. (Except my girls but that goes without saying)

I am sure there are some interesting blog posts in my near future as I come out of my food coma. Headaches, acid reflux, and all the other ugly symptoms that come with withdrawal I am sure are on the horizon.

I am proud of one small accomplishment though. Today, while pondering what I wanted to eat for lunch and as we were driving to our local supermarket I thought to myself, 'What will you eat?' and I said to myself, 'Well, soup sounds good.' So my intention was to buy soup and crackers. And as we drove into the parking area of the supermarket I thought about Jack In the Box and their spicy tacos and yummy egg rolls. I weighed the idea of the soup, weighed the idea of the tacos and egg rolls and then an old, dirty, nasty little thought crept into my mind. "Why not have both?"

You see, during my pregnancies I could down a burger + 16 tacos (and if you have ever had a JITB taco you know that is a ton) + 3 egg rolls AND curly fries. Even after both pregnancies I could eat about 8 tacos and 3 egg rolls no problem and still have room for ice cream.

But today as that thought crept into my mind . . . "Why not have both?" I immediately rejected it. Visions and phantom sensations of my stomach writhing in pain, stomach acid and bile burning the back of my throat wanting to purge the grease and garbage I consumed flooded my mind. I was proud of myself for realizing the tragedy I would have committed had I chose to revert to my old ways before I actually did. So, I chose the soup over the tacos and while it was a LARGE bowl of creamy soup with waayyyyy too many crackers I am proud to say I did not succumb to my old self and it's gluttonous habits.

Tomorrow I am going to weigh myself and regardless of the horror I will post it on my side-bar and from here on out I am going to live my life for me. Regardless of what other people throw at me, how other people hurt me, and how I respond I know I do not have to respond with the 'food to hand - hand to mouth' reflex. This will be for me. I need to get healthy for me. I need to continue this mantra again and again so that instead of just being an aspiration it becomes an action and a habit. I'm tired of waiting to give myself the chance. I am soooo tired of holding myself back and I am tired of making excuses.

And of course, I can use all the support I can get.

XO Kristen

4 comments :

  1. Here ya go. Want some tough love. Snap out of this, join the Challenge that starts tomorrow, we will support you and you will drop 20 pounds in the next 4 weeks. Enough Bullshit please, come over to where your friends are..

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  2. I was in the same boat as you in August. I had put 40 lbs back on. I didn't want to get back on the wagon. I wanted to continue to stuff my face with cookies and pizza and sandwiches and all that crap that keeps me fat. But I knew I had to stop the free for all. White knuckle it for a while. It took me 3-4 days of seriously hard "I don't want to do this" whining and clawing my way out of my funk to get remotivated. Success has a way of doing that to us. As the crap left my system and the lbs came off I became more enthused.

    And Allan, is SO right. Do the challenge.

    You CAN do this. If I can do this. You CAN do this!

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  3. Yay, Kristen is back to Kreating New Kristen!

    Yes. Do it for whatever reasons you want, frankly, as long as one of them is 1. wanting to be a Healthy Kristen who lives to see her great grandchildren be happy. All the other reasons, if they spur you on, fine. Take them. Whatever gives you mojo, gives you mojo.

    But always, yes, health and longer life and more energy to be a great mom, a great (insert career of your desire), a great Zumba-er, a great daughter, etc.

    And I'm with Allan: join the new challenge. You'll pee your brains out, but it will be a place of camaraderie.

    Welcome back, babe.

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  4. As long as you pull yourself back up and keep going, you haven't lost the battle. Keep making those positive changes, even if it's slower than you planned, and you'll get there. Sending hugs!

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