Sunday, December 19, 2010

A LEOPARD DOESN'T CHANGE HIS SPOTS . . .

This is something I need to constantly remind myself.

A.LEOPARD.WILL.NOT.CHANGE.HIS.SPOTS

Naming some words that might describe me many that come to mind when dealing with my husband are:
  • Gullible
  • Easily forgiving
  • Needy
  • Insecure
  • Jealous
  • Expecting too much
  • Expecting the impossible

A.LEOPARD.DOES.NOT.CHANGE.HIS.SPOTS

So, I don't know why I expected my husband to be any different. Sure, he actually kept the facade going for nearly 4 months. Sure, he made promises. He always makes promises. Sure he was treating the girls and me great. He always does in short spurts.

But Thursday something flipped a switch in him. I've spent so long telling myself it is my fault even though I know that it's not that my perception of reality and my own opinion are hazy and overlapped. 

We were happy. Driving to a mall near his home. He asked me what was wrong. Apparently I had been quiet. I said nothing and that I was thinking about the remainder of the Christmas shopping we needed to get done for the girls. This very utterance is what I think flipped his switch. His entire demeanor changed as he told me to wipe the expression off my face. Then he asked me if I thought he was made of money and why did I always have to have things right then and there. I told him (as my heart began to beat frantically and panic overwhelmed me) that I didn't want to go shopping. That I was JUST THINKING about the things we still needed to get. 

He pushed forward. I was called selfish, greedy, thankless and a user. The berating continued after we got out of the car. I took Breezy out of his arms and turned back to the car. He yelled in the parking garage that if I got back in the car with the girls that things would be over and I would be sorry.

I should have left.

I didn't.

I turned back around and faced him again. Faced more berating words and when I attempted to speak or defend myself I was accused of screaming at him and told to shut up. I was told loudly to shut up many times. I was told that I was crazy and that I didn't know how to control myself. I was told I like to make a spectacle in public. But he was the one yelling. I just wanted him to be quiet. But then Buzzy wanted him to hold her and he started whispering things in her ear. Things I could hear.

Mommy isn't a good example.
Mommy is crazy.
Mommy ... mommy... mommy

He shouldn't be saying those things . . . at all . . . let alone to our 2.5 year old daughter.

I think I am a good example.
I'm not crazy.
Nor any of the other crap he was spewing.

Then he told me I wasn't worth anything. That the three girls he works with were worth more than me and that he was going to start calling them and talking to them about personal stuff again and that he was going to apologize to them for stopping in the first place.

I shut off. I detached myself because if I didn't I was going to have an emotional breakdown.

After a while of walking around the outdoor mall we went to leave and he left us. He had come in the same car but he said goodbye and walked away. He held no regard for how that would make the girls feel. He had come with us. Why wouldn't he leave with us and Buzzy is smart enough that she asked me just that. I told her daddy had to go to work. I didn't know what else to say.

Edited for clarity: He did not leave in our car, and leave us without transportation. He walked away from us, once we were in our car and ready to drive away.

For those who have or haven't noticed. I haven't posted since the 13th. I weighed in on Friday. 277. +2lbs from the overdose of salty foods from the day before. Calories were within range but the sodium intake was high while the water intake very low. From Friday things went South. I've literally been to emotional hell and back. 

He didn't text me on Friday. Fine.
Didn't text me Saturday. Fine.

Today he texts me. 
**His texts are translated from Spanish. My texts are as is.

Him:     Good Morning. How did my loves wake up?

Me:     Good. You? Sorry we were playing and my phone has been charging.

Him:     You know, I have been thinking in how you are and the truth is I'm still sad because I thought you had changed but you are still the same. I don't know if our relationship is going anywhere if when you are bothered you start to yell like when we lived together and you don't control yourself. You only care what you think and what you feel. I remember when it was thanksgiving I told you that I was sad because you weren't with me and you didn't even visit me and you didn't care that day either. You just told me that you understood me and that you were sorry. You didn't make me feel better. Then you told me you had to leave and thats how you left me with my sadness. You didn't send me any messages to see how I was or to let me talk to my daughters until like 9:00 at night when you told me that my daughters had gone to sleep and that they had had a lot of fun. You asked me how my day had gone and when you're bothered by something I always try to make you feel good. What are we going to do? 


Him:     So what do you think you're going to do?

Me:     In what aspect?

Him:     Our relationship.

ok. The only thing you or I can expect from the other is respect and I admit I wasn't being respectful with what I said that day. The reason I got angry was because you kept pushing me when nothing was wrong and then yelled at me in the street three times to shut up. I would have even understood if you stopped talking too but you didn't. You kept insulting me and telling me things just to provoke me. So you tell me what you think needs to be change or what needs to be done.

Edited to clarify: I had thought everything was fine because Thursday evening I texted him to see if he was over himself. He was working though and even though our conversation was very short it ended with I love you's and smiley faces. 

Him:     If you thought I yelled at you to shut you up imagine how loud you must have been screaming because I only wanted you to stop yelling but you didn't care. You kept yelling and if you say that I continued saying things and asking questions it was because of the expression on your face and because you said you wanted to finish shopping and that you thought we were going to do that. I just wanted you to be happy and in respect to thanksgiving you don't have anything to say because its the truth and now I'm not going to ask you to change anymore. No, instead I'm going to act just like you.

Me:     I NEVER said I wanted to go shopping or that I thought we were going to go finish that day. I said I was thinking about the presents that we still needed to get. You just don't listen. You like to hear what you want to hear. And you didn't want me to be happy. That's not true because I WAS happy. You ruined it. As for Thanksgiving I have nothing to say because we supposedly already talked about it and yet here you are bringing it up again. And finally, you never stop threatening. First about the girls and now that you are going to 'act like me'. In the same way that I need to do what you want you need and have always needed to stop threatening me. You are always threatening me.

Him:     I'm not threatening you. I'm always wrong and you're always right. Maybe I will see how many times you have been bothered because if you say I ruined your happiness that day and that you were happy then I'm also a gossip and I don't know how you want to continue with a relationship with a gossipy, person that threatens you and that doesn't give you what you want. Regardless, you were supposed to tell me when you took money out of the account and you don't so forgive me but yes, I am going to act just like you.

Me:     That threat is old. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go feed my daughters lunch.

Him:     I won't bother you again. I just need to know what you used the money for. Go feed my daughters.

Me:     Diapers. What else? And food for the last couple days.

__________________________        2 hours later       _______________________________

Him:     Forgive me. I woke up with a headache that I couldn't handle and it won't go away. I miss you a lot. I'm going to work. I love you.

Me:     I forgive you but I'm really irritated. I understand you had or have a headache but this roller coaster you put me on every time you get a headache is not ok. Your threats and your accusations are those of an insecure boy. I need you to grow up and be a man. Stop threatening me just because you don't know how else to solve a problem. You do the same thing with the girls, offering them money or new toys when they are crying. In order to have a good relationship with me and with them you have to give more of yourself than just material objects. I need someone I can trust with anything. Someone I can trust with my thoughts, my body, my life. The girls need a father. Not a friend and not a 24/7 Santa Claus. They need stability and security. I need you to think about those things and tell me if you are prepared to provide them. Have a good night at work. I love you too. We have a lot to work on.

Him:    You know what? Forget it. I am going to be who I am and you aren't going to forbid me from giving what I want to my daughters. Go look for someone that is mature and not a boy like me.

Me:    Wow. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Again,

A.LEOPARD.DOESN'T.CHANGE.HIS.SPOTS

Has it sunk in yet?

Now, I just need to pull myself out of this depression I have sunk into. Not easy. 

I am sure later tonight I will get a text that says something to the effect of, "I want to see my daughters tomorrow" and for the first time I am going to put my foot down. No more emotional abuse. No more verbal abuse. I am not going to subject myself or most importantly my daughters to that.

Edited to say: I realize I too have not 'changed my spots' so to speak either. I am who I am, but I can change how I react to him. I am changing that. I took off my ring. I don't trust him. I need to stop convincing myself that someday I will be able to. He will never stop threatening me. I will never feel stable at his side. My girls are the most important part of my life and their well being comes first. A frantic, panicked, sad, depressed and scared mommy is not providing the best I can. So, setting the trash out to the curb. I will not be seeing him tomorrow. 


Any ideas where I can meet him, other than his apartment for Christmas day so he can see the girls? 

**sigh**

I need prayer.

Goodnight

XO Kristen

11 comments :

  1. Oh, Kristen, that is rough and I am sorry you are going through all this. As I was beginning to read it, I was thinking, "This man needs to grow a pair already!" then later in the conversation, I see you told him just that in so many words ;) Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

    I do have one question though, after your guys' argument on Thursday, you said he didn't text you till Sunday and after he got upset via text, you replied that you thought everything was fine up until "a half hour ago" (meaning Sunday morning?)? If he hadn't apologized for his temper tantrum on Thursday, how was everything fine on Sunday morning? If my husband had ever pulled some shit like that with me, his ass would have still been in timeout come Sunday morning, for acting like such a child on thursday! Lol! But you get my drift, right? Had he made amends in other ways for you to think everything was fine on Sun. morning?

    The reason I ask is because

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  2. It's TWO leopards that do not change their spots he doesn't. You don't. How many times since you started this blog have you been IN THIS VERY SAME place,with the same issues, same responses, same repeated disappointment after same crazy period of "I love him, I hope it will be okay.?" There are two leopards involved in this, and the only one who's spots you can change...are yours. You can't change the other leopard's spots. Only your own. Until you choose to do that, this scenario will repeat, rinse, repeat ad infinitum with depressing outcomes each cycle's turn...

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  3. Scratch me "the reason I ask" line; that was an editing error, whoops! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. The minute he LEFT ME. in a parking lot. with two small children. with no transportation. would be it for me. period.
    A man doesn't do that. Not ever.
    Honey. I agree with princess....you need your own car and your own money. I don't know how you start going about making that happen, but I swear to God the next time the man complained about money spent on diapers I'd be in jail because the diapers would be shoved up his @ss.
    I can't say it hard enough. Ditch his @ss. God bless you hon. I hope you can make it happen. soon..I'll be praying for you.

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  5. Counselling sistah. Not couples counselling. Counselling for you to figure out why you allow anybody to treat you and your babies this way. That's not love, not love at all. That's not even love with bad times thrown in. Oh trusts me, he needs some help too but you need to focus on yourself and things that you can control. Like getting the hell away from him. Gather your support system. You gotta save yourself and those girls. You cannot let them grow up thinking it is okay to be treated like that by anybody. You would not let a teacher or caregiver behave that way in front of them, so why should their "father" get that privelege?


    Every "communication" you got from him was an attempt to manipulate your feelings and make you react the way he wants you too. People in love don't call each other names.

    How I wish I could just go get you and the kids and bring you home. sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You need to take the kids and leave.

    Period.

    This is unhealthy and I am going to go on a limb and say that I do not think you actually love him. I think that you want to be with him because you are afraid of being alone or because you are addicted to the drama of your relationship and are afraid to make a major change.

    Why do I think this?

    Because that's how it was for me before I finally Mommed up and left my Son's father.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lanie Panie is right on, as is FatAngryBlog IMO...however *I know* why you have allowed him to treat you and the girls this way--because you have been slowly and methodically conditioned to accept it and believe on some level its a normal price to pay for a marriage (by him!). its not. It took me years and years to learn this and to escape (its not too strong a word!), but it can be done.
    You are right there at the turning point where you realize its not normal and you want so much better for yourself and babies. You can have it, easily.
    Ditch the man-boy already...its tough to be alone but believe me, once you look around and feel the peace and quiet that will come emotionally-- its much much much easier than this! Thinking about you..

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  8. Hun I have seen how much you love your children in this blog. I have seen the same behaviors go circling around. But I have to ask something. If he keeps whispering these things in your daughter's ears don't you see that as abusive not only to you but to her. She is going to be hearing that your a bad mom from her father. Can you imagine the amount of internal conflict that will make? I know you love him. But you love him more than the mental health of your daughters? You want them to think this is how a woman gets treated by her man? How would you feel if her boyfriend berated her or shove her? Because you are teaching her this is acceptable. I know this is hard. I don't mean to berate you in anyway. Blessed be and I hope it all works out. You and your daughter deserve the best.

    ReplyDelete

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