Oh don't worry. I don't cut or do drugs or drink or any of those things. No. My self destruction is more subtle. Easier to hide but just as mentally detrimental.
When I was very little I pulled out my hair. In large clumps. So much so that I had a little bald spot going on in the top right side of my head. As I grew older, so as to remedy the bald spot I pulled singular hairs from my head. The truth is that I don't know what triggers that behavior. Sometimes I don't do it for weeks, even months and the next thing I know I'm doing it every other minute.
Pulling my hair out is not my only other self destructive behavior besides eating. I also pull at the skin on my lips, especially if they're chapped or dry. And sometimes I pick at them to the point that I make them bleed. Like today. I pick and pick until it bleeds and hurts.
One more self destructive behavior I have is scab picking. It's horrible and probably viewed as gross but I do. I know other people are 'scab pickers' also but I am an OCD scab picker. I will pick and reopen the cut (sometimes even making it larger than it originally was) just to let the same scab reform and pick it again until there is no scab to pick and in its place is a dark purple scar. The problem is I don't scar easy.
I don't know what to do about these behaviors. I don't know their triggers. It seems nervousness might be the biggest trigger for the hair pulling but the rest, I do it randomly. I've even asked myself why I'm doing it and he answer is I don't know. But I also can't stop. A piece of skin on my lip or an unpicked scab will drive me insane.
I'm not proud of these things. They're actually quite embarrassing.
Does anyone else who has issues with food have other self destructive behaviors?
Edited to add:
It is 1:00pm. I had my 'new fave breakfast' + a handful of strawberries (maybe 6 medium) and lunch was a Lean Cuisine Steamer (Sweet & Spicy Ginger chicken with yummy veggies like broccoli, carrots, & water chestnuts) Total cals so far today? 599 and totally satisfied. Around 3 I may have a banana with 1tbsp peanut butter for a snack and 195 more cals. Dinner will be another Lean cuisine that is less than 300 cals. So, I will be well under my goals for today. Water is chuggin along. Quite literally but (thankfully) the peeing has slowed.
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