Sunday, December 12, 2010

HELLO! MY NAME IS KRISTEN & I AM SELF DESTRUCTIVE

Aside from the obvious and being obese I have come to see, admit and accept that I am self destructive in other areas of my life not involving food. This post has been a long time coming. I am trying to come to terms with my actions.

Oh don't worry. I don't cut or do drugs or drink or any of those things. No. My self destruction is more subtle. Easier to hide but just as mentally detrimental.

When I was very little I pulled out my hair. In large clumps. So much so that I had a little bald spot going on in the top right side of my head. As I grew older, so as to remedy the bald spot I pulled singular hairs from my head. The truth is that I don't know what triggers that behavior. Sometimes I don't do it for weeks, even months and the next thing I know I'm doing it every other minute.

Pulling my hair out is not my only other self destructive behavior besides eating. I also pull at the skin on my lips, especially if they're chapped or dry. And sometimes I pick at them to the point that I make them bleed. Like today. I pick and pick until it bleeds and hurts.

One more self destructive behavior I have is scab picking. It's horrible and probably viewed as gross but I do. I know other people are 'scab pickers' also but I am an OCD scab picker. I will pick and reopen the cut (sometimes even making it larger than it originally was) just to let the same scab reform and pick it again until there is no scab to pick and in its place is a dark purple scar. The problem is I don't scar easy.

I don't know what to do about these behaviors. I don't know their triggers. It seems nervousness might be the biggest trigger for the hair pulling but the rest, I do it randomly. I've even asked myself why I'm doing it and he answer is I don't know. But I also can't stop. A piece of skin on my lip or an unpicked scab will drive me insane.

I'm not proud of these things. They're actually quite embarrassing.

Does anyone else who has issues with food have other self destructive behaviors?

Sigh

Edited to add:

It is 1:00pm. I had my 'new fave breakfast' + a handful of strawberries (maybe 6 medium) and lunch was a Lean Cuisine Steamer (Sweet & Spicy Ginger chicken with yummy veggies like broccoli, carrots, & water chestnuts) Total cals so far today? 599 and totally satisfied. Around 3 I may have a banana with 1tbsp peanut butter for a snack and 195 more cals. Dinner will be another Lean cuisine that is less than 300 cals. So, I will be well under my goals for today. Water is chuggin along. Quite literally but (thankfully) the peeing has slowed.

XO Kristen


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

5 comments :

  1. I bite my nails to stubs. Always have, since I was small. my nail beds don't even grow properly as a result. I need to get my nails done with expensive tips and crazy seals to get them repaired. I get so frustrated with it as I hate the smell of nail salons.. it is a cross to bear. I know it isn't easy to stop compulsions. I feel for you.

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

    ReplyDelete
  2. hola! i just wanted to let you know that i have a friend who does the hair pulling thing and not sure if you've ever heard of it but its actually a condition called trichotillomania. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/trichotillomania/DS00895

    she pulls hair out and gets bald spots and eyebrows too. it can get so bad on some people that they pull out their eyelashes!!

    on a side note, at least you recognize your self-destructive habits as recognition is the first step to getting over them! (but with the hair pulling thing, not sure if you still do it, but its not just that you're crazy!)

    good job on how well youve been doing this week! your blog is one of my faves to read! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am OCD with some behaviors. I've been a scab picker since before age 5. I have the scars to prove it. ; ) I used to do compulsive syllable counting, but thank God I outgrew that. Was insane. People would talk and in my head I'm counting syllables. Watch tv and use the four corners of the screen to count syllables in the dialogue. I am a collector (er, hoarder) of books/magazines/clothes/cds. I twirl hair. I overeat. Compulsive.

    I see you're adding produce. So proud of you, girl. Keep it up. We'll overcome.

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  4. I used to bite my nails all the time! But the weirdest thing is that I started really committing to my diet and eating healthy and exercising in June. Since then I haven't chewed on my nails. I don't even have an urge to anymore. I have no idea what happened! I wish I knew what it was that changed in my head so I could pass along tips.

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  5. Hey Thanks for following my blog. I commend you on your honesty with your blog. I think the behaviors you are describing in yourself are a form of "self injury" like cutting. It's basically a way to deal with emotions , stress, relieve feelings much the same way those of us that eat compulsively to numb out. It's all the same. I'm a head scratcher/ scab toucher. I've done the scab picking too but I'm a nurse and diabetic so I try to leave those alone. Have done it since a kid though and I had no idea it was connected to anxiety then. . I didn't realize how I used it as a compulsive behavior for relieving anxiety and feelings until recently . I'll scratch my head till I have headaches. If you are not eating compulsively you might be doing these other behaviors. Recognizing, wanting to change it, substituting health stress relievers like exercise, even getting mental health counseling are all ways of working on it.

    ReplyDelete

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