But I have so many questions, preferably for people who have gone through it.
- How can there be peace when the mere idea of him having my girls alone for any length of time makes me want to vomit?
a: because he doesn't watch them. They are 1.5 and 2.5 years old respectively and he lets them run around in public places (ie: restaurants, parking lots, large stores) by themselves and without reigning them in and telling them to stay close, let alone holding their hands like he should be in the first place.
b: because I am scared to death he will flee the country with them. He came here illegally before and has and is a part of a bunch of things regarding illegal immigration, including currently harboring his 3 illegal nephews. How could I not put it past him to take them away from me. Aside from that I am also fearful that one of these days ICE is going to get a hold of him for all his illegal dealings and if my girls are in his custody when they get him who knows what would happen to them?!
c: He can't recite his own address, phone number, or any personal information if there was an emergency and he needed to call 911 which I don't think he would remember to do anyway.
d: He has never changed a diaper since my girls have been alive and when I asked him 1x to take Buzzy potty (she's fully day time potty trained) he needed me to show him how to pull her pants down for her and pull them back up.
e: I am scared for the emotional development of my girls with him as their father. He is manipulative and likes to give guilt trips, even to my girls. Just the other day he told Buzzy she was only 2.5 years old and didn't know what she wanted when he asked her if she wanted to come to his apartment and she said no. He then unceremoniously told her she was coming anyway.
The other big deal about divorcing him is that while I have a little bit of money on hand to pay for my attorney she charges a retainer fee of $3000 and guesstimates that an average case will cost double the retainer fee. I don't have $6000+ to just throw around. My credit is in the garbage thanks to my husband so I can't even take out a small personal lone and my family is already helping me in so many ways, how could I think to ask to borrow? Especially when I'm not working and borrowing will be more like asking for a $6000 handout.
I know what needs to be done.
I'm scared. Not of being lonely. I can deal with being alone. Not for lack of anything. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
I am scared for my girls.
I wish someone could give me peace of mind that he would be allowed to see them whenever he wanted but only with supervised visits in public places. I wish someone could tell me that everything will be okay and that my girls will be safe.
I wish so many things but in reality no one can do anything to settle my worries.
Again, prayer is appreciated.