Friday, April 30, 2010

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE RIDICULOUS BINGE

THE GOOD

Friday Weigh. It speaks for itself. I lost 4 lbs. 4! Holy hell! That pushes me into the 270's!! 278 to be exact and 3 lbs till the 50lb lost mark. HOLY-FRIGGIN-HELL!! I haven't been in the 270's since I got married and I'd just been starved for 6 months living in Mexico and having to choke down my future mother-in-law's food. I'm psyched!!

THE BAD

I think the 270's must scare me. OR I am stressed. OR I just lost control. SOMETHING happened. I did well today to start with. The girls and I went to Ihop for breakfast with the (ex) so they could see him. I had the Rise N Shine off the senior menu. This included 2 eggs over medium. A serving of hashbrowns. Two sliced of turkey bacon. (I specifically requested turkey bacon instead of the real yummy-licious pig bacon) a slice and a half of wheat toast without butter but with a little bit of strawberry jam and a cup and a quarter of coffee with cream. I counted this to add up to approximately 737 calories.



Well, I told myself I wouldn't eat anything else until dinner. My grandfather was making rigatoni in creamy meat sauce and a summer salad. I knew I'd overeat on that so I planned to eat a Lean Cuisine. That plan went all fine and dandy until I got home at 2PM STARVVVING!! So I had a 100 cal pack of ritz snacks. Immediately the salt triggered a sugar craving. I justified it saying even 200 cals in snacks will still only bring me to 937 and I'll have plenty of cals left for dinner.



(NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO JUSTIFY EXTRA SNACKING WHEN YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY)

THE RIDICULOUS BINGE!!

So I had a 100 cal pack of chocolate mint cookies. Then things were off and rolling. I literally felt as though I were detached from my body. My feet, my hands and my mouth had a mind of their own. (THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. IT IS REALLY HOW I FELT) I asked myself where the hell I was going as I walked to the pantry. My feet didn't answer. I told myself not to pull out the veggie chips. My hands ignored me. I told myself I was being a glutton as I pulled the Walla Walla sweet onion dill dip out of the fridge to dip the chips in. I screamed in protest as I stuffed them in my face and nearly died of a heart attack when I reached for another 130 cal pack of chips. WHAT?!?!?! Where is/was this behavior coming from?!?! In the 4 months I have been on my healthy eating plan this is ONLY the 2nd binge I have had. And it wasn't planned. It came from OUT OF NOWHERE! AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, MY BRAIN WAS DISPUTING MY ACTIONS THE WHOLE TIME. I DIDN'T WANT THE FOOD BUT I KEPT CRAMMING IT IN. By the time I was done with my messy binge-fest I had consumed an embarrassing amount of calories. Truly appalling. Like around 730 calories. Which brought my daily total to 1,467 calories consumed.



AND DINNER WAS STILL COMING.



By now you'd assume I would have come to my senses and put a stop to the madness. So, what did I decide to do. I basically said FLUCK IT and ate a whopping 1087 calories for dinner, including a heaping plate of the pasta my grandpa made, 4 (COUNT EM 4!!!) servings of the summer salad with honey mustard dressing and to top it all off I ate 2 oreos with mint filling.



I am truly disgusted with myself.



I finished the day with 2554 calories today. That is 1000 calories over my goal. NICE.... F---!



On that note, tomorrow is May and April showers bring May flowers.



May 1st holds many happy beginnings.



Tomorrow I will be posting progress pics and starting the c25k program (hopefully the weather cooperates) Until then.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

PSYCHICS & A MAN IN THE HOUSE - OH NO!!


HOLY HELL BATMAN! THERE'S A PSYCHIC AMONG US!! NO, REALLY! I'M NOT SHITTIN' YOU!! OK. MAYBE I'M SHITTIN' YOU A LITTLE.

You see, yesterday I posted two photos. These photos:




. . . And I asked what you all thought the significance of them was. Aside from the 4 comments I got I also got a few texts and e-mails and most of them thought I was flipping the cookies the bird. Yeah, well. I wasn't. If I was, I would have flipped them the bird in ONE photo. Not two. LOL BUT someone . . . I shall not name who . . . (why the heck not you ask?) okay, fine, I shall . . . Shannon from BIGGS GETS SKINNY is a flippin' psychic. She said, (and I quote):

"I'm gonna guess that you didn't eat those cookies and that ring hasn't fit your middle finger ever. Tehehe"

Ummm . . . I am wondering if I should be concerned for my safety. Are you secretly watching me? JUST KIDDING! But seriously Shannon, what brought you to this conclusion?? Because this conclusion is not only SPOT ON it is like seriously . . . SPOT ON!! <-- Like totally! (((flips hair like a Valley girl)))
Tangent: I AM a Valley girl. A REAL valley girl. I was born in THE VALLEY. As in just North of Los Angeles. Oh yeah, that's right. I rock. I know it. - Like totally, for sure. I JUST GOT A MANICURE. THE SUN I SWEAR ITS BLEACHING OUT MY HAIR. GO GO FIGHT FIGHT GEE I HOPE I LOOK ALRIGHT... :End Tangent

Anywhoozle, (yes, I stole that from the billions of bloggers I follow who use it) the reason I posted those pictures was because my mom comes home with those raspberry frosted sugar cookies on A VERY REGULAR BASIS. I am only saved by my own tongue and can't stand the way they taste. Thank God! Hence the photo. Hence the full carton of cookies. Hence the satisfaction of saying no to sugar. (Because in my pre-healthy life, I would have eaten them even though I didn't like them, just cuz they were there... I lead a sad existence but that has all changed now) And the ring, well... when I bought it, it was the only one of its kind and it was too tight for my ring finger (nevermind trying to get it on my middle finger. I doubt it would have passed the first knuckle) but I LOVED THE DESIGN and had to have it so I would shove it on my swollen sausage finger pretending like it fit and at the end of the day I would have to use soap or lotion to get it off and it would leave massive painful indentations in my finger. NOW . . . I can wear it on my middle finger and while it is a tad tight, I can wear it without any discomfort and I can get it off easily without the aid of lubricant. YAY ME!

Now, Shannon . . . Can you tell me the winning lottery numbers? I could really use the money.

In other news there is going to be a big change happening soon. I have been living here at my mom's house for 6 months. 6 months of 5 girls living under one roof. No men. EVER. You see, my mom's husband livesd in California. I moved to Washington, then my sister, then my mom and now he is the last to follow. The big deal is that my mom and sister have lived 3 years without him. I haven't lived with him in almost 5 years and none of us have ever cohabited with two babies in the mix. So, this ought to be interesting.
I have no issues with him coming. I am actually looking forward to it. Once upon a time long ago, I would have cringed just at the sound of his name but the guy has gone from dumb ass step dad to pretty rockin cool dude. ((It's probably because I'm an adult now and he doesn't have to wrangle me anymore and I don't feel like I'm being wrangled by someone who doesn't rightfully have the position to wrangle me? - did that make sense?)) In any case the one and ONLY small issue I have is that the guy eats crap. NO REALLY! In my 25 years of life the guy has eaten a #2 (well, it used to be a #2 . . . I don't think it even has a number anymore) but a two cheeseburger large sized (once upon a time supersized when they had that) from McDonalds. When we all lived together in California we ate out 5 nights out of 6 and generally really rich/fatty/greasy and/or deep fried foods. There were always chips/cookies/candy/ice cream/ding dongs/zingers/cupcakes/sugary cereal/chocolate - OMG the chocolate - the man is a CHOCO-HOLIC! Worse than any woman. So, you get my drift. The guy doesn't eat healthy. So there are going to be a ton of unhealthy things in the house. I am just gonna have to pump up my willpower and make good use of it. UGH! And I was doing so well. (My mom and my sister generally don't have TOO much junk in the house. Just occasional treats here and there.) The one beneficial thing is that I buy the food. So, I sorta kinda can control what does and does not get bought. Maybe I will make him buy his own crap. LOL Yeah, I'm gonna talk to my mom about that.

Whatdya think Court?

Last note:

Tomorrow is weigh in for week 17. 17? Seriously?? I have never ever come this far in a weight loss journey before. I am hoping to be 280 or below but even 281 would still make a loss. 1lb is necessary! Yep! Yep it is! So wish me luck. Pray Murphy loves me and wants me to keep my sanity.


Goodnight Bloggies!!


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

INTERNAL WARFARE





Which actually translates to:














This evening Buzzy slept until 5:20PM. We had to leave by 5:30PM to get to her gymnastics class on time. I asked her if she wanted to eat and she said no. I left it at that as, working out even at a toddler level on a full belly isn't healthy. After her class she was famished and kept saying "Mama, Buzzy hungry." Break my heart!! So, I asked her if she wanted some chicken nuggets and french fries and what 2 year old is gonna say no? So, we drove to McDonalds and immediately the conflict with myself within myself started.



"You will eat nothing. Not a bite, not a nibble, not anything. You have done far too well today." Obviously the dominant voice in my head being I point a finger at myself and shake it emphatically.



"But maybe you can eat just 1 french fry." The submissive but ever so persuasive voice in my head. "Just one. What harm could that do?"





"NO! You have eaten most of your allotted calories today and you know that if you eat JUST ONE you will eat JUST THE WHOLE BAG!"



"Okay, then just one nugget. I mean there are 4. Buzzy barely eats more than 1. Surely, she can spare just one to her mom. Don't you feel your stomach starting to grumble?"





"No! You are not hungry. You will take not one bite! NOT ONE!"





I arrive at the intercom where you order and decide then and there that in order to keep myself away from the nuggets and the fries I will get a medium 90 cal no sugar iced coffee. I order the kids meal and the coffee and pay. As soon as the girl gives me my coffee and the bag of food the fat greasy smell of fries and nuggets wafts into my nose.



"BE STRONG!" My dominant voice bellows. "YOU DON'T WANT IT AND IT SMELLS BETTER THAN IT TASTES ANYWAY and besides," the voice is getting harder to hear. "you bought yourself an iced coffee just for the purpose of not eating Buzzy's food."











"But doesn't it just smell divine?" My persuasive (evil) voice chimes in. "One fry won't make or break you. Come on."




"DRINK YOUR DAMN ICE COFFEE!"




"Just one fry."





"Mama, Buzzy hungry!"






Oops, in focusing so greatly on my internal battle I forgot to give her her nugget. I hand it to her and she gingerly nibbles on it. I watch her in my rear view mirror and laugh to myself that if it had been me, the whole nugget would be nothing but a memory because I would have stuck the whole thing in my mouth.




"Look," My persuasive voice whispers. "the bag is sitting right there. Buzzy won't notice. In fact, if she does she'd probably be happy to be sharing with mommy. Afterall you always tell her sharing is the nice thing to do. Come on Mommy, SHARE!"




"NO, YOU'VE DONE TOO WELL!"




"ONE BITE WON'T HURT."




"YOU'LL BE SO UPSET WITH YOURSELF!"




"ONE BITE WON'T HURT."




"Mama, Buzzy has soda?"




I am ripped out of my traumatic self-argument and ask Buzzy to see her nugget. She has about 1/3 of it left.




"Eat the rest of your nugget and when we get home, mommy will give you some soda."




"NO!"




Buzzy proceeds to chuck the nugget at the back of my head. It hits the headrest of my seat and falls to her feet on the floor.




Now, if she had chucked broccoli, papaya, a pineapple, or even a watermelon at my head I probably would have reacted better than her chucking the one thing I was trying to convince myself not to eat at me.




"Buzzy! You will eat more chicken or you will have no soda."



"No soda, mama."




How simple it is for her to give up what she wants because she doesn't want to eat anymore. While I am trying to distract myself from reaching behind my seat to rummage around on the floor to find the discarded nugget and save it . . . safely in my belly.




"Mama, Buzzy has soda?"




"Only if you eat more chicken." My teeth are gritted. The fry smell is overwhelming. My knuckles are white on the steering wheel.




"More chicken mama."




I swallow hard and reach into the bag of evil food and fish out another chicken nugget and nearly throw it into her lap so I don't eat my hand in the process of shoving the nugget down my own throat. Again, she proceeds to nibble it.




Then a new argument begins in my head.




"How disappointed would the people who read your blog be if you allowed yourself to cave to this temptation? You have been on this journey for 4 months. You know better!" My dominant voice is more calm now. It has taken complete control of the situation.




"But it's a juicier story if you do cave. It shows you aren't perfect. It shows you don't always do well." My persuasive voice tries to change my mind.




"No, if you can't stop putting food in your face for yourself than you at least have to do it for the people looking for motivation. You at least have to give that much effort."



"But you already give so much. To your family. To your girls. Why do you need to prove yourself to anyone else? One fry won't make you a bad person."




"No, one fry will prove you are weak and you're not. You have become strong."




My persuasive voice did not answer. The smell of the fries and nuggets somehow no longer tempted me. I sipped my iced coffee while Buzzy munched on her nugget and when she requested fries I was not even tempted to lick the salt off my fingers after handing them to her. What does this mean? I suppose this means I have conquered a temptation. I have proven I have strength and I value my health more than instant gratification. I guess I now know that by tasting/sampling/nibbling/taking just one bite/or eating just one will get my here.





I know that I will probably never live a day of my life where some kind of internal battle doesn't arise when confronted with food temptation but as long as I know I am able to conquer it, I'm okay with that. I am human. I am imperfect. I have my vices. The things that (try to) control me and the things that I will at times allow to do so. But knowing I am able to say no thank you, and push the nuggets/fries/cake/candy/burger/whatever away (even if it is preceded by world war III inside my head) then I have won one of the biggest wars of all.









So, to wrap up this post, I thought I would give you a sneak peak of side by side side-shot photos of me. I don't see much difference between the last photos and tonight's except maybe my boobs stick out slightly further from my belly than before but regardless, I am very proud of myself. So very proud.







Also, I ended the day having eaten 1345 calories. WAH-FRIGGIN-HOO!!





AS EXPECTED

I'm up today. 4lbs up of calories and water weight. That's okay though. An easy fix by just staying ON plan the rest of the week. I'm enthusiastic & super optimistic today in spite of the weight gain AND the fact that the ex is supposed to come home from Mexico. Not sure why but am thankful regardless.

I just realized there are only 30 days in April. I'm excited for May. My generous tax refund + starting the c25k program + mothers day + a potential answer from my agent about my book! Aaaahhh!! May will be a good month and then June Buzzy turns 2. July is independence day (one of my fave holidays) and august breezely turns 1!! 2010 is flying!!

Must go make cranky baby happy.

The Fat Chick


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, April 26, 2010

APPARENTLY, I'M AN 'ENTHUSIASTIC' EATER

Can anyone tell me where my title came from?



Now let me break today down:





  • Percolate coffee


  • Feed Buzzy and Breezely breakfast


  • Eat 1 Newton crisp & 1 cup cheerios


  • Forget about percolated coffee and drink none (oops)


  • Go to Freddy's (local market) and have lunch with gramma


  • Share a turkey cranberry on garlic tortilla wrap with my girls


  • I eat two potato wedges that were meant for Buzzy


  • Shop for remaining ingredients for mom's chilli


  • Help mom clean house


  • Eat light yoplait very vanilla yogurt with naked granola on top


  • Munch on 2 of Buzzy's Spongebob fruit chews (2 chews not 2 baggies)


  • Try to get the girls to nap to no avail


  • Eat dinner


  • Mom's chilli made with Carroll Shelby's Chilli fixins/rice/corn/pinto & kidney beans/hamburger/onion etc + shredded Mexican cheese and sour cream + 1.5 corn muffins = mmm mmm good.


  • Went over my calories by a bit, but nothing detrimental


  • Still a bit bummed about that though...


  • WHY?


  • Because I weighed myself this morning


(((Looks at top of list)))





  • Oops, I forgot to mentioned my unofficial weigh in for today.


280!!!!!! 2-frickin-80!!! 45lbs gone!!



  • And that my friends is why I'm a bit sad.


But I will be 280 or less this Friday at my official weigh in and then Saturday (May1st) I am starting the C25K thing and you get some new progress pictures (as my new trend is posting new pics the first of every month)



And now I shall sleep.



Good night world . . .





INSERT WITTY TITLE HERE

Here is a warning.
This is a rant.
A rant about people losing weight.
A rant about bloggers but no one in particular.
Please don't be offended if this applies to you.
I'm PMSing even though my period stopped a few days ago. It started up yesterday and I'm pissy.
Also, please don't give me reasons/excuses why people do this. I know why. This is my problem. My frustration and so I will vent.

VENT STARTS NOW

It drives me absolutely crazy when I am perusing my google reader app for the blogs I follow and I come upon not one, not two but several blogs that say something along these lines.

"I'm really working hard. I decided to make sure when I eat (insert crap of their choice) I will make sure to burn that exact amount of calories in my workout."

Then when they weigh themselves the next day they are up on the scale. I seriously wanna take these people aside and say 'you can't eat that shit and weigh yourself the next day, no matter how much exercise you did and expect a loss!" it just doesn't work that way! Water retention, retention in your muscles from the exercise etc are not going to be kind...

The moral of this blog...
Don't weigh yourself the day after you eat:
Mcdonalds
Pizza
Taco Bell
Mexican
Etc etc
And expect a loss and definitely don't eat these things before your official weekly weigh in!!! Logic!!

Okay I'll step off my know it all soap box now...

The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, April 24, 2010

FOOT PAIN, BRUISES, AND WALKIN' THROUGH THE TULIPS . . . OR NOT


  • Going to the Tulip Festival is not fun when it's raining/hailing outside
  • Going to the Tulip Festival is not conducive to my new good eating habits
  • Going to the Tulip Festival is not fun with a whiny toddler and a cranky baby
  • Going to the Tulip Festival is not worth it if you don't get to see half the tulips because of aforementioned rain/hail/children
  • Going to the Tulip Festival sucks
These are all things I WOULD HAVE thought last year or the year before or the year before that. Today, however, despite the rain and the hail, despite the sometimes cranky and always needy children and despite the fact that I didn't get to see or do everything I intended, I had a fabulous time.

















  • Teriyaki chicken on a stick with a bowl of rice for lunch.
  • Some Kettle corn
  • A cranberry scone
  • 1/2 coffee 1/2 hot chocolate drink

This is why the Tulip Festival is not conducive to my eating plan. However, I walked for a minimum of two hours among the Tulips pushing 70+ lbs of baby and stroller so I am thinking I did okay in spite of it all.

Now that we have gotten home I am amazed to realize my foot doesn't hurt. Okay, that's a lie. It hurts but not the debilitating, bite down on my own arm to keep from crying kind of pain. No, I have a minor ache on the left side and some zippy little cramps on the top but no plantar fascitis pain. Odd? I don't know but I'm thanking God, LET.ME.TELL.YOU!

On another note I have been finding random bruises on my body. I am not amused. I have never bruised easily in my life and to see a bruise appear on my body and not know what its origin ticks me off a little. Last night before my shower, I noticed a small bruised on my very lower belly. No biggy. But then today I found more. All along my lower belly and then tonight my arm was aching so I looked over and just above my wrist I have this awesomely purple bruise. WHERE ARE THEY COMMMMING FROM?!?!

Friday, April 23, 2010

I'M NOT WALKIN'! I'M PARALYZED!!

Remember in my last post, how proud of my 4 mile walk I was? Well, I'm not proud anymore. I'm paralyzed . . . Okay, that's a bit of an overstatement. I tend to exaggerate when I'm in pain. So, what can I compare this pain to?

Let's see. It feels like my foot has:

Been caught on fire
Stretched on a medieval torture machine
Skinned
Impaled with an enormous iron stake
Clamped with an bear trap
Run over by a steam roller
Stomped on my an African Elephant
Chewed up by the garbage disposal
And hung out (to dry) . . .

Did I mention that it hurts?

See, I can describe my pain without exaggerating.

But seriously, I can barely walk. My plantar fascitis is so inflamed right now I'm having a hard time sitting still here in bed to type this. It hurts that much. I cried earlier. It was almost as bad as labor. ((sigh)) There I go exaggerating again.

I hope it doesn't hurt like this tomorrow for the tulip festival. That might put a damper on things.

Stay tuned for pictures of beautiful tulips (hopefully)

The Fat Chick

I'M WALKIN'!


I took Buzzy and Breezely on a 4 mile walk today. This is me afterwards. I don't know if you can tell by the pic but I'm dripping sweat, totally pink in the face and have drank a boatload of water. I'm actually starting to like the stuff.
On my walk today it was amazing how many people stopped whatever they were doing to smile and wave at me and my girls. I don't know why they did it. They never have before.
On another note we walked all the way to my grandma's work to have lunch with her across the street. One of her co-workers who I have known for a while commented on how much you can see I have lost weight. She said it's particularly obvious in my face, shoulders and waist area. NICE!
Then after lunch (a grilled chicken salad with tomatoes, iceburg lettuce, cheese, croutons and litehouse honey mustard dressing - 400 cals incl. dressing) on the way home a neighbor lady drives by, rolls down her window and tells me I am her inspiration and that she needs to learn from me and get out there and walk. (Mind you this lady is THIN) but all the more reason to feel motivated and inspired - I AM A THIN PERSON'S INSPIRATION?!?! WHAT? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
Anyway, my girls are napping and I think I'm gonna snooze a bit to. I'll be back later tonight.
Oh WAIT! duh!! I lost another pound which brings me to 43 lbs lost. 3 more lbs until it's goodbye 280's hello 279!! I am hoping with increased activity and being more on my calorie game will increase my weekly numbers. However, with the stress I have been going through with the (EX) husband, I wouldn't put it past my body to 'hold onto some of this weight'. UGH!
Love you my bloggie buddies! Thank you for your compliments on my previous post. XOXO
The Fat Chick

Thursday, April 22, 2010

PHOTOS DOWN MEMORY LANE

Tomorrow is weigh in day for me. Yeah, I know, it's not Monday. I don't like Mondays. Fridays are good. Keepin' it on Friday.

Drank a buttload of water today but I have to be careful. I started getting headaches when I passed the three quarter mark for my goal intake and headaches can be a sign of water intoxication. I know it is rare but I don't wanna risk it and I can handle a few less trips to the bathroom every hour. LOL



So, I thought I would do a random photo post. These are in no particular order but bring back so many memories of a life that seems so long ago that it wasn't even real, wasn't even mine.



13 weeks with Buzzy




37 weeks with Buzzy (all 372lbs of me)
- She was born exactly 1 week later

Me on my 21st birthday


With my mama after the epidural took affect with Buzzy
- I had been in hard labor for almost 24 hours

17 Weeks with Buzzy


2007 -

About a week after my miscarriage and subsequent D&C

- My smile is fake


Buzzy - a few weeks old


The front terrace of Skamania Lodge
I was on top of the world, pregnant with baby #1
Little did I know he had already passed

Easter 2008. So ready to give birth and still 3 months to wait.

Memorial Day 2008. One more month.

Baby bean #1 - Rest in peace baby love

Stupid face at Skamania Lodge.
If you've never been there and have the opportunity you should.
It seriously rocks!


Swimming in Skamania Lodge's indoor pool


Halloween 2007. Lashes are about as far as I go to dress up.

The EVIL nephew
The GOOD nephew


My mama and me on my first Christmas.
I was 2.5 months old.
My sister and me Thanksgiving of 2007.
Very pregnant with Buzzy and fanning myself after a shower to cool off

Pregnancy glow? 26 weeks with Buzzy
Water retention on a road trip. You too can have cankles. Memorial day 2007.
Thank God water retention AND cankles are things of my past

Kinda, fun stuff; at least for me. I need to start taking pictures again. I miss that. It used to be a huge part of my life and since I've had my babies it has been pushed to the way side which is silly because now that I have babies I should be even more picture happy.
Anyway, happy weighing in all you Friday-Weigh-Inners!

Edited to add a couple current pics of my babies!




The Fat Chick

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