Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I BLOG FOR ME

It's a strange thing. I am oddly affected by the fact that no one has commented on my last post. I don't blog for comments nor have I ever blogged for an audience and yet I feel strange when I post and no one responds. You all have spoiled me. I'm used to feedback and when I don't get it it's weird. Don't get me wrong. I'm not so narcisistic that I'd be offended. I just found it an interesting revelation.




I've been doing really well with my eating. Thank God. I am hoping to lose the 9lb gain quickly and be on my way toward my skinnier self soon. I just wish I was more motivated to exercise but I'm not. With time I suppose. I need to get rid of these stress headaches before i do anything else physically stressful. Not an excuse and not justifying my lack of exercise. It's just how it is.




I will still be posting my photos tomorrow for the first of the month. Don't know how they'll compare but we'll see.

I've decided that my 250lb reward will be an ankle tattoo. 225lb I may or may not pierce my nose. If not I might buy an outfit. And thereafter I'm not sure yet.

On a sidenote, I get to go see Eclipse tonight and drool over hot vampires/werewolves! Weehoo!!



The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

ACCOUNTABILITY & INSPIRATION

I've spent the last month making excuses. Instead of reaching my goal of 250 in the month of June I let go completely of all interest in my health and stopped being accountable. It was a mess of one binge on top of a half assed promise to do better the next day followed by another binge. I just stopped caring. Looking in the cupboard and fridge and knowing I could eat anything I want and as much as I wanted of it ruled me. Lack of control ruled me. My desire to do what I wanted as opposed to what was good for me ruled me. As of Friday I was up to 283. That is a 9lb gain from my lowest a couple months ago. I can't continue in this direction. I need to continue forward. I can't let divorce, lack of response from agents about my book or any other of lifes stresses deter me from getting healthy. Life will happen regardless of if I lose weight or not, the only variable is if I am going to be a part of it or not.

Now nothing has changed. I still want to go eat everything that's edible but I have decided this isn't about what I want. This is about what I need. Too friggin bad if I'm hungry after all my calories have been consumed. Too bad if I'm craving cookies and Chips and everything else under gods blue sky. I won't eat it. I will resist.

What is my motivation? What has newly inspired me to take the reigns? Jewlia from jewlia goulia. She is remarkable and I both respect and envy her perserverance in this
Journey. She just hit below 250 and is 9lbs away from 100 lbs lost. She is a true inspiration and she makes me want to do better. She makes me feel like I can do this, so jewlia if you are reading this, THANK YOU! you are truly my biggest inspiration right now.



The Fat Chick

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, June 26, 2010

JUST A BEAUTIFUL VIDEO I HAD TO SHARE

No I do not know these people personally but this video affected me today. It touched me so deeply. The caption that accompanies the video is this:

This eight month old child has had a Cochlear hearing implant procedure and we get to witness the moment the life changing device is turned on. Notice the amazement in baby Jonathan's face when his world goes from silence to being lit up with sound. If this wasn't a kodak moment than I don't know what is.




The Fat Chick

Friday, June 25, 2010

NO SUGAR COATING

First off, I have gone off white sugar. Eating well as of ALL today and no white sugar. I need to start eliminating the crap and sugar is huge on my crap list.

Now, the rest of this post is again, more for documentation purposes than anything. What you are about to read, if you choose to do so may seem confusing because there are phone conversations mixed in. Please, do not judge and if you do feel the need to judge me and/or my decisions, please refrain from letting me know. I had my reasons for saying certain things even if they sound ridiculous or groveling or whatever.

I have a firm belief that when it comes to really important issues, 'People have there opinions of me and they are none of my business'. So let's keep it that way. Thanks Court. LOL

Messages via phone with husband translated from Spanish to English:

Me: I don't want a divorce.

Me: Did you get my message? (8 hours later)

Him: Yes. Why don't you want to if you don't have a future with me and you don't change?

Me: I am not the only one who would need to change but for the good of our girls. Many things will happen with the divorce and how we are now you can see them whenever you want to and when they get older and can voice when they want to see you they can also. Without a divorce they won't feel all the stress that the divorce will put on us. They will have the best of two worlds. If we do get a divorce they are going to feel it and they aren't going to understand and I don't want our decisions to hurt them. Also, that way if one day we are able to live together in a house and try to be a family again it will be easier because we will not have to change anything legally. Ya know?

Him: I have always understood you like my mom told me to. But you left me because I didn't have enough money and because with your family you have everything. That's what you wanted for my daughters; a better life. You have prohibited me from watching my daughters grow, from celebrating their birthdays and waking up every morning to give them a kiss and be with them during father's day even though she would have been sick (Buzzy was sick with a horrible cough and a fever on father's day) and many other things. I don't understand how today you want us to get back together one day and be a family if for all the time that I lived with you that is what I always wanted. I fought with all the strength of my hear to succeed and I told you let's make a business and you never supported me. You even told me that for you to get back together with me that I needed to have money and sign a paper so I would continue paying your family (we have a joint debt of about $50,000 that he hasn't paid in over two years) and those were the conditions you put.

Me: When we lived together you were not a part of our lives. You spent your time working and sleeping. I only left you because you hit me. Money never had anything to do with it. Nothing I ever did was sufficient for you and I felt extremely unstable because you would always threaten me about taking away things and not paying other things. Regarding Father's Day you were the one who said it was okay that she rested and on her birthday I never prohibited you from seeing her nor did I ask you to leave after you brought her present. You chose to do that. I want to best for our girls. That is all. You can see them whenever you want and from today forward if its in the evening I will prepare something for Breezy so she can go to sleep wherever we are.

Him: I spent all my time working because I didn't make sufficient money because every check I got from my second job was for your family (he never gave a single check to my family. We always had to wait until he could get money together) and you always complained about how there wasn't any money and another thing you always threatened to take my daughter and not let me see them and with deporting me. All parents want the best for their daughters, not just you and me. The only way I won't get a divorce with you is if we look for a place and live together and we start from the bottom when I start to make a little more money and if you don't want to than you will have to pardon me but I am going to continue with the divorce.

Me: There is no place that would accept a rental agreement with our bad credit. Or do you know of one?

Him: If I give two or three months worth of a deposit maybe we would find one and if not than we can declare bankruptcy and then we'll look.

Me: I don't think it's possible to find one.

Him: I'll investigate.

Me: Before you do that, if I am willing to do this are you willing to live in Wa?

Him: Wa DC?

Me: what?

Him: We can go live there in the capital Washington. To be with me daughters yes!

Me: Than your answer is yes you will live in Wa?

Him: If you want to make my car payment you can make it. Of course.

Me: Ok. I already made it 3 days ago.

Him: When? Why doesn't it appear or is it pending?

Me: I will call the bank.

Him: Ok

Me: They said I did in fact make the payment but it hasn't hit our bank yet.

NEXT DAY

He had asked me for the breakdown of our cell phone bill on Tuesday and I had forgotten so when I woke up I quickly jotted it down and texted it to him.

Me: Our bill is $ (and then I broke it down for our nephews phone lines)

Him: You know that is another thing that bother me about you. In place of saying first how did you wake up you only write me to tell me that something is due. If I get back together with you and one day, before I go to work I tell you I want eggs with ham like telling you to do it you wouldn't like it. On the contrary if I say hello my love how did you wake up? I would like for you to make me some eggs with ham please, it's very different.

Me:You know, texting isn't the same as talking. I just wanted you to know the numbers, and thats why I sent them before I forgot.

Him: It's the same thing. What you want to express is what you say in writing. This is what sometimes makes me think that you only care about the material and you try to make excuses before saying you're sorry.

Me: No, sorry but it's not the same. In e-mail and text it is not the same as talking. They are a medium of communication that doesn't use the same rules. Ask any american. (Because he always asks his Mexican girlfriends who side with him) And I already told you that nothing is more important to me than my daughters. You know what bothers me about you? That you accuse me of things that are normal for everyone except you. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry if I offended you by not saying hi first but thats how it is with texting. Like I said, ask any American waitress or waiter (that he works with)

Him: You're wrong. How do you understand what I'm saying? There are no rules. You can write whatever you want, express yourself however you want to. You have a keyboard. You could write an entire letter and say your sadnesses, your emotions and your happiness. If only my daughters are important to you and for you I am not normal why continue hurting you and you hurting me. Yesterday I told you that I want to have a beautiful relationship and stable where she and I share our feelings, our sadnesses, and we live without fighting. Enjoy life, make my wife and children feel important and that they're worth gold, be a romantic and understanding person. Plant something that I would like to harvest. Tell me what you have to offer?

Me: You say you want all that but how is that possible if you are always annoyed about one thing or another? I sent you what you asked me for and you got mad about something else. I can never do enough. How can I offer you anything if you are only going to get mad and go back to the same old thing. It's like you're always watching me to see what I do wrong, what I don't do at all, and what I do do that you don't like. There is nothing that I say or do that doesn't bother you. And if you are going to ask me why I want to continue this relationship than, I will repeat because I don't want to hurt our girls.

Him: I am always happy. You make my days bitter. The truth is that if it's just not to hurt my daughters than I prefer to continue with the divorce because when you left me, you should have thought about them and the consequences. I don't understand why before you wanted to get divorced and now you don't. If I don't mean anything to you and you don't love me and knowing you some day we'll end up getting a divorce anyway. I've told you before, you are cold in a million ways. I try to feed our relationship but you do nothing.

Me: You aren't happy. You are always angry with me. Maybe that's why I'm cold. I've told you a thousand times. I left you because you threatened me physically. That isn't a home for children.

Him: If you say I threatened you, how do you know I've changed? If you call me and ask me how I am do you think I will get upset? and then later you tell me you sent me the numbers for the phone. With respect about what you say about me always being mad, that isn't true. Sometimes I'm tired, stressed, and trying to enjoy the time I am with you and the girls but you are the opposite. You have always been a cold person and I've told you that. That's why when one person gives everything and receives nothing it gets tiring. You never say anything to make me feel good.

Me: Why did you marry me then?

Him: Because you were very different. Everything started because you asked me for money to pay your family knowing that every check from my second job was for him and you would get mad. I didn't have enough to go out and you got mad. I left everything , everything to follow the woman that I loved more than my life without getting anything in return. Now you tell me why you married me. I have to work. I'll see your answer later.

Me: The truth? I marred you because I loved you, because I thought we could be happy. The only problem was that I wasn't a woman. I was a little girl with very little life experience and even less relationship experience. I didn't know what love was. I thought it was okay that you treated me badly. I thought it was okay that you would threaten me every other day about leaving me and going back to Mexico. I thought it was ok that more than once you pushed me, covered my mouth and yelled at me. You always yelled at me the ugliest things and I thought it was normal. That it was ok. I didn't understand until way too late that it isn't ok. And you were a man with so much more experience in everything. That's another reason I don't understand what you wanted with me. I was 16 and you were 25. Oh and you said you didn't get anything. Maybe it's nothing for you but I spent so much time getting you your legal papers (as a resident of the United States - it was not easy to do) but no, you received NOTHING.

Him: Now you say I treated you badly but you were the one who always threatened me with taking our daughter and deporting me and when you got mad you yelled like a crazy woman. I asked you for our daughter and you hit me in the stomach and the face. You told me to leave, that you were going to take Buzzy and change her name so I couldn't ever see her. It's better for us to separate. Maybe you have always been right about me only knowing how to clean tables and play my keyboard. You deserve someone that can give you what you want and I'm going to feel good seeing you happy. I will know what I lost. I told you I don't want to fight. I'm almost 35 years old and I have many goals I want to reach that I've always dreamed about. Like when I asked you to be patient so we could move forward. Everything happens when it's supposed to like now that they've offered me my new second job. Little by little with my faith and asking God I will meet my goals. I don't want you to feel repressed by me. You can also find happiness that you didn't find with me. So we don't have to keep fighting like dogs and cats the rest of our lives. You are the kind of person who when we fight you tell everyone in your family and your friends. You don't know how to keep our problems. I'm sure Jessica and Denise (my two friends) know. Thats another reason we should not continue together. Maybe I wasn't a good husband but I fought with all the strength in my heart to make you happy and I never could. Monday I am going to see the lawyer.

Me: When you hit me while I was holding Buzzy I did tell you I was going to take her because you were violent and if I ever did hit you it was because you were threatening me physically. And again I told you I would leave with both girls when you hit me while I was standing in the doorway holding Breezy. I never had a reason to hit you except when you got violent with me and I NEVER threatened to change my daughters names. I wouldn't because I know it can't be done. There is nothing wrong with having friend with whom I can tell my problems. You showed me that that was wrong but it isn't You have wanted to control me with your threats but I am not the immature little girl with whom you married.

Interrupt here as I am texting. He called me not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 times in the span of 3 minutes. 3:31, again at 3:31, 3:32 and 3:34.

Me: (Continued from the previous text) What do you need to say. Why are you calling and calling? Do you want to talk to Buzzy?

Him: Why don't you answer your phone? I want to talk to you.

Me: Talk here.

Him: No, nevermind. From today forward I will not bother you. I only wanted to know if you took any money and it's not a threat. I always wanted and fought to live together again and be happy but now you know that it wasn't a threat.

Me: I haven't taken any money. I paid your car payment when you told me to and that was all.

The End

Thursday, June 24, 2010

YOU CANT DO THIS FOR ME

Once upon a time there was an artist. A new artist who wasn't particularly confident in her work. She would start and stop, trash her attempts, Start over and continue in this pattern. There were people who followed the projects of this new artist and there were three kinds of spectators. There were the encourgers. The ones who had nothing but kind words of encouragment and motivation for the young artist. These were the people who kept the young artist from giving up.There were the quiet onlookers who had nothing positive but nothing negative to say either. These were the people who made the young artist feel proud when she reached a new accomplishment and the people she felt guilty about disappointing when she failed, again. And lastly there was the small group of pessimistic people who would shout their critisisms when the young artist was at her lowest. These are the people she heard most clearly. You can't do this
You'll never accomplish anything
You're not talented enough
You will fail
When the artist would hear these comments she would hesitate and evaluate her work. Could she do this? Would she ever accomplish anything? Did she have any talent at all? Was she really destined to fail?
And as she would look around her at her crumpled attempts at perfection she realized that she needed to keep trying, regardless of the pessimism around her. People could tell her all day that she would fail but the true failure would be in stopping all together. The true failure would be in allowing those people to dictate her future and most importantly, she realized that no one could create her art but her. No one could start it or finish it but her and if she didn't try she would never know her true potential.

The moral of the story is: your life is your journey. Take advice from those you respect and respect peoples opinions but in the end make your own decisions because you are the only one who will reap the benefits or bear the consequences of your choices. Choose to live. Don't stop because someone else tells you you can't do it. If you don't keep trying you'll never know your true potential.

The Fat Chick



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

BLOG THERAPY

I need blog therapy tonight. I am a little bit overwhelmed with life right now. Part of me is choked up in knots with worry about the divorce, custody etc. The other half of me is calm, peaceful. I know God will guide me through this and it will be OK.

To be honest, the proverbial wagon that I had fallen off of, chased after, climbed back on only to fall off and repeat the process is but a small speck on the horizon of my priorities right now. I feel horrible, guilty and physically gross about it though. Food, again has become my comfort. My drug to numb the torrential flood of crazy emotions and feelings I am having right now.

I need to change that though. I keep wondering what happened to me? For 5 months I felt like I was on top of the world. ON TOP OF THE WORLD!! I could do anything, and I was succeeding at weight loss for the first time ever. Now, I feel as though I am back at square one. I’m not, I know. I haven’t gained back a ton of weight but I still feel remorse and resentment and guilt and anger. When did my ‘button’ unclick? It had been working so well!

Before the events of today, I signed up to get my BA in journalism and mass communications. I figured it was time to do something for me to further myself and it would look good on a query when presented to an agent. I can’t do that now. I don’t have the energy, much less the desire. I am going to cancel my enrollment tomorrow.

So, this is how things are going to work . . . I think. For the month of July (excluding July 4th) I am going to attempt to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. I have grown accustomed once again to NOT WEIGHING myself so I will start out by doing a July challenge. Starting weight, July 1st and end challenge weight by August 1st and this time I’m doing measurements. I am praying that my button will re-click and I will be able to regain the momentum I had with this weight loss journey.

January is 6 months away and will mark 1 year since I embarked on this crazy journey called a healthy lifestyle. Apparently I have been sidetracked but catching up to that wagon and jumping back on it is what I have to do. I HAVE TO. No matter how many times I miss, or get on only to fall off again. I have to keep getting back on. I can’t give up. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. Because giving up would mean I have failed.

On January 1st, my one year anniversary of living healthily I want to weigh 235lbs AT MOST. That is approximately 2lbs per week, starting July 1st and ending December 31st 2010. I WANT TO DO THIS! I NEED TO DO THIS AND I NEED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN REFOCUS AND DO THIS THANG!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

IT BEGINS

Got a text from the husband today asking if he could talk to me.

I said sure.

He called to inform me he has been searching out lawyers and that he wants a divorce.

Ok

He then tells me, just so you know I WILL have the girls at least two times a week.

Um ok.

He then tells me everything I've done wrong including being a crappy wife.

Then he tells me he found a lawyer who is only going to charge him $200.

Uh yeah for what? Breathing the same air?

He then called me a liar because I forgot his fathers day gift yesterday and when I called him out on yesterdays debit card scandal he said I lie to him so he lied to me. He then contradicted himself saying he doesn't like to lie. I asked if he doesn't like to lie why lie about something so trivial. He said cuz he could.

WTF?!?!

So I am gonna wait for him to serve me. Less expensive that way for me. I have a good lawyer who will back me up when the time comes and she's a good lawyer. Definitely charges more than $200.

Any advice from women who have been there done that??

The Fat Chick


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

MORE FOR RECORD THAN ANYTHING

Today (well, actually tuesday the 23rd) my girls and I had arranged to meet the husband for breakfast at 10:30.

At 10:26 while we have already been sitting at the restaurant for 5 minutes he texts me and says he won't be there at 10:30. (he actually wrote 11:30 but that's neither here nor there).

So he was about 20 minutes late and if you're a mom of little ones, you know how long 20 minutes or even 5 minutes can be for them.

When he finally got there he was flirty. (gag!!) We ate and then he told me to pay with my debit card from our joint account. Considering he usually pays I asked him where his was and he told me he didn't bring it. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't brought mine.

Then we go to the mall so Buzzy and Breezy can ride the carousel and the train. They cost $1.75 per person. Husband said he had $4, and did I have any cash. I said no and I couldn't use my debit card because for some reason my pin had been deactivated or changed. Hmmm...

So he took Buzzy to get money which I thought was weird because he said he didn't bring his debit card. They ride the train and the carousel.

Husband than announces we need to change cell phone financial responsibility to his name. No prob! But come to find out in order to do that they require a credit check and his credit is shit. He proceeds to let me know that he'll figure out a way.

Um ok.

Then we go to the play area and usually he plays with the girls. Today he's snapping photos with his
iPhone like it's goin outta style. When I finally prompt him 3 times he stops and plays with the girls. But the whole time he kept asking Buzzy if she was ready to go home, as if he was in some kind of hurry. So weird and completely out of character.

Once home I called our bank and confirmed that he had indeed lied to me and had his debit card with him the whole time. I wonder why he lied. I honestly don't care enough to ask and instigate a fight though.

In other news I am probably going to be starting online classes toward my ba in journalism and mass communication. Wish me luck.

That's all for now.

The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, June 19, 2010

MID DIET HEALTHY LIFESTYLE CRISIS

I'm ok.

I've actually taken to doing some things I didn't do often before like actually playing with my girls and spending less time on the computer.

I only use it at night now, when they are asleep and because I am taking some online classes in addition to my book writing, my blog suffers.

I am doing well eating wise.

It has been a really crappy emotional roller coaster for a while now, but I'm back in the swing of things. Not as much exercise as I should be incorporating (only walked 2x this week) hence the 0 weight loss/gain this week. Hopefully next week will be different.

There is a place here in Washington called NW Nutrition. They sell herbalife but also provide fun monthly weight loss challenges. You don't have to buy their products to compete and they also charge a one time fee of $39.99 for a full body composition and analysis. ie: body fat% / muscle % / etc etc. I am hoping my gramma can watch the girls for an hour or so soon so I can do this. They then allow you to redo the body composition for free once or twice a month. NICE! I think it would be motivating to see the body fat% drop when the scale doesn't necessarily reflect a loss.

I'm off again now. It's 12:22 am and I am exhausted!

1 sick baby.

1 toddler cutting molars and affected by allergies

1 mama fatigued from little sleep and staying up too late.

I will try to post a bit more often.

I miss my bloggy buddies but just need this little hiatus.

Hope everyone is well.

I do keep up through my iPhone on ALL YOUR BLOGS, but it doesn't allow me to comment. Stupid google reader.

Anyhoo,

Love ya'll

The Fat Chick

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

ANTI CLIMATIC IS GOOD

So after all that, (the two posts previous to this one) I get a call at 11:30 to go have a birthday lunch with family for Buzzy. I decide to go. And who shows up at 12:10 as we're walking out the door? Not Santa claus. Not the Easter bunny or the tooth fairy. Nope. You guessed it. There's my husband with his youngest nephew (17?) and a friend hauling Buzzys house out of his friend's truck. He hugged Buzzy. Hugged Breezely. Said he had to go and left. (((deep sigh of relief)))

Now, if only I could say that was the last time I ever had to see him. Ugh!

The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

PREDICTABLE

Today my husband called to say Happy Birthday to Buzzy.

She refused to talk to him.

Yesterday at midnight he had texted me saying that he would be bringing over the play house he had bought for Buzzy at 11am.

Now on the phone with him he says that he'll be over eventually to bring it.

I said, at 11 right?

He said, no whenever I get there.

I said, you said 11. You need to come at 11.

He said, I'll come whenever I want.

I said, no. This isn't your house. It is my moms and you are welcome at 11.

He said, who cares if it's your moms house. I wouldn't want to come in there anyway.

I said, good because you weren't invited inside. You can see your daughters outside where they can run around and play.

He repeated, I wouldn't want to come into your mom or grandparents house anyway and I don't care what they think.

(uh ok)

I said, so are you coming at 11?

He said, I'll be there when I get there.

I said, I need a time.

He said, I don't know.

I said, and my car and the insurance?

He said, I'm switching accounts.

I said, that wasn't my question. Are you going to pay for my car and the insurance.

Again he said, I don't know.

I said, fine. So are you coming at 11? Or give me a time.

He said, I don't know.

And this is where it turned ugly.

I said, you cant just show up whenever you want.

He said, and if I do, what are you going to do?

I said, I'll call the cops for harrassment.

He said, go ahead. I'm not scared. Oh and prepare yourself for divorce.

I said, I am prepared.

He said, good to know and hung up.

I have my lawyer in place now and will have my first consultation with her soon.

This is the face of one stressed out mama!!


The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

AT ROCK BOTTOM YOU CAN ONLY LOOK UP

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t sit here and pretend.

I can’t lie.

I can’t make everyone happy while I am stuck in utter misery.

What am I talking about?

Two things actually.

My weight and my marriage.

My weight has stayed the same, fluctuating between 276 and 279.

Up and down. Up and down.

But I can’t pretend like I’m really TRYING.

I haven’t been.

Breakfast and lunch is usually okay. Snacks get me. Dinner consumes me before I can consume it and before I know what is happening I am on a sweet, salt, sweet, salt, sweet, salty binge for the rest of the night.

So I’m not going to pretend or lie anymore. I won’t pretend for the public and I won’t lie to myself. I ate like crap today. But I made the effort to walk tonight. It felt good. Empowering. I think I will do it again tomorrow. And that is where my planning for the future ends. Right here, right now and I’ll think about tomorrow. Because otherwise life becomes overwhelming.

So overwhelming.

I must admit also, that in a moment of great weakness I decided to try to mend things with my husband once more. (I am still seeking legal counsel, just have not found the lawyer I am sure has my back yet) Anyway, I told him we needed to start at the bottom, the foundation. He agreed. Everything was fine. Life was good. And then yesterday we met for dinner and to go to the mall for the girls to play at the indoor play park.

The play park was good. Buzzy played with a few little girls and enjoyed having someone other than Breezely to run after. Breezely climbed all over the soft rubberized fish and cars and had a blast. My husband then decided to randomly by Buzzy a $45 helicopter that is way passed her level of understanding. It says on the box – 8years+. She’ll be two tomorrow. Regardless, I thought the sentiment was sweet – at first.

**I had told him that the night before I had had nightmares and barely slept. I told him dinner and a bit of play would be good but I needed to get home to bathe the girls and go to bed. I was exhausted and Breezely was quickly becoming cranky. It was 7:45. Their bedtime is normally eight. They still needed a bath and Breezely does not take kindly to going past her bedtime. She becomes a baby horror.**

So anyway, as we’re walking out of the mall with Buzzy gripping her helicopter tightly in her hands, my husband has this grand idea that we should go fly it at the park. I say that tonight was not a good night, that we didn’t have batteries for the helicopter and that another day would be better. He pouted but didn’t say anything. Then he comes to our car, gets in and just sits there silently. Well, I can’t leave if he’s sitting in my car. He lives in the opposite direction 45 miles away. So, I wait, thinking maybe he has something he wants to talk about. By now, Breezely is pretty fussy. AND THEN HE STARTS TO KISS ME! No no no! (and it wasn’t just like a peck on the lips – he’s such a PIG) I pull away and he asks why and I say because our daughters are awake and watching. He has a conniption fit, yells at me that he can never kiss me when our girls are awake (uh yeah dude, that’s right. Our daughters don’t need to see you grope me, thanks though!) and gets out of the car, slamming the door. He kisses Breezely goodbye who is now screaming and then Buzzy. Buzzy says, Daddy say goodbye to mama. He says, BYE and slams her door. WTF?!?!

Then today I get a collection call from our car loan company. My car is 11 days past due. Obviously he hasn’t paid it. Okay, fine. I’ll pay it. I call the bank to see how much money we have and we have all of $17. I find the night before he went and took out ALL our funds. NICE!
Then, while I’m on the phone with the automated bank machine I get a text which I read minutes later from him saying (in Spanish), ‘I want to see my girls tomorrow’.

I say, ‘okay. But I need you to pay my car payment and then reinstate our car insurance.’ (which I found out yesterday was cancelled due to some of his misdealing with our bank. I’m PISSED!!
Now, 5 hours later after I text him this he texts me back, ‘what does that mean? That if I don’t have the money to pay for the insurance or your car that I can’t see my daughters?’

And I reply. ‘No, of course you can see them. But you have to come here, to my house because I WILL NOT DRIVE without car insurance!’

He hasn’t responded yet, but my bet will be he will either threaten me with divorce and custody stuff or he’ll tell me to drive without the insurance because he has a right to see his daughters.

Opes, as I am typing this he says ‘Whatever. You never let me do anything with them anyways.’ (LOL , uh ok.) ‘It’s always when you want, how you want.’ (yes because I’m the mama)

UGH! I’m stressed.


Edited 10 minutes later to say:

It really bothers me that he is so selfish and so self centered that on his daughter's birthday he probably will not come to visit her. He would rather look like he's the victim then to come see her, and hug and her and say happy birthday.

Tell me, am I wrong to not drive her to see him? Honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone says. I WILL NOT DRIVE WITHOUT CAR INSURANCE. I have dealt with enough of the things HE has done ILLEGALLY. I will not add to the chaos and jeopardize our safety (mostly their safety) because he is going to have a conniption fit.

In any case, I guess only time will tell. Will he come? I don't know. I hope so for Buzzy's sake. I hope not for mine. But mine isn't what counts. When you become a parent you are SUPPOSED to put yourself aside and do what is best for your children. The memo must have gotten lost in all the freakishness that was our relationship. Apparently he still hasn't gotten it. Probably never will.


The Fat Chick Weigh

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'M A DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR

Cuz apparently my computer just needed some love - er - or something. Cuz my photos are working now and the 4th and latest photos have been added to the tab at the top called FAT CHICK SLIM. Check em out. Tell me whatcha think. Technically I have only lost 1lbs but I think I still see some differences from last month. That's all folks.

The Fat Chick

CONFORMING, FREAKISH TECHNOLOGY AND A BLOGROLL CLEANUP

CONFORMING

I am amazed at what losing 50 lbs can do.

Once upon a time in the land of 300+lbs I thought of nothing else but my weight. Nothing else but food. I couldn't concentrate on anything except how much my body hurt, how horrible it felt to have my arms rub my sides even when I held them out to the side, how horrible it felt to walk and how even with my feet spread shoulder width apart, my legs still touched from the thighs down to where my calves began. I constantly thought about food. What can I eat? What sounds good? Are we going out? What will I have? And I didn't wonder these things because I felt guilty, or concerned about what I would actually eat. I would wonder these things because I wanted to know what the yummiest, fattiest thing on the menu was and what I could follow it with as dessert.

50 lbs later, life is so different. Yes, a large portion of my days is still dedicated to food. Only now, instead of wondering when and how and what? I wonder, how many calories, how large a portion, am I really hungry and does it actually taste good? I used to eat food whether it tasted good or not. I am not sure why. Boredom? Guilt? Comfort? Self punishment? Now, if I take a bite of something I don't like I don't waste my calories and move on to something equally as nutritious but more enjoyable. I also don't find myself so focused on my body. In fact I rarely find myself thinking about how fat I am at all. Instead, I am focused on my babies and my house, my family and the important things in life.

Unfortunately this 'comfort' is what had me off the wagon and trailing miles behind, only to catch up, climb back on and fall off again for a week and a half going on two weeks. I've realized that just because I am more comfortable in my body does not give me a free pass to stop what I have been doing. I need to continue. 270+ lbs is still obese. I am still at risk for heart disease, diabetes and other horrible obesity related illnesses. Am I less at risk than I was at 325lbs? Yes. Should that change my desire to decrease my risk further? OH HELL NO. So, I'm back at it. For the past three days I have had no more than 1650 cals in one day and no less than 1400. I am doing well, again. I feel motivated, again.

Thank you to those who follow and comment. Thank you to those who follow and don't. Thank you to everyone who hasn't given up on me even when it looks as though I have given up on myself. I haven't and I won't. I WILL have hard times. This was an example, but I swore on 01/01/2010 that I would always always ALWAYS get back up and get back at it. And so I am. I'm back at it.

STUPID COMPUTER HATES ME

No pictures tonight. My computer is freaking out. Or maybe its blogger. Will try again tomorrow, and the next day and the next until this sucker works. LOL

BLOGROLL CLEANUP

I'm also going to do a little 'blog cleaning'. I am going to delete all blogs on my blogroll who have not posted in more than 2 weeks. If you want to stay on my blog roll, or if you aren't on it and want to be, leave a comment and I will be sure to keep/add your blog.

FYI - My blog roll is on my profile under blogs I follow. So click the picture of the muffin in the box titled 'THE FAT CHICK HERSELF' on the right side of my blog. It will take you there. Or click HERE. That will take you there too.

I am now off to rest. I did not write anything tonight in my book. I am working out some scenes in my head. Hence, why I am here.

Until next time . . . which should be tomorrow's weigh in . . . ((sigh - wish me luck))

The Fat Chick

CYBER SPACE ATE MY POST

I posted yesterday via my iPhone. It even said that the post was published but somehow between here (my phone) and my blog, the post must have taken a detour. Dangit!

So a recap. I've been doing well. Eating wise. Writing wise. Ex wise. I'm taking your advice and seeking representation. The scale hasn't budged from 277 except once to say 280 after a particularly heavy sodium meal. But I am confident I am doing well and soon the scale will reflect that. I am not however doing so well with exercise. I pinched a nerve in my back at some point and so have been having intervals of pain.

Tonight I plan to report the photos I took for the 1st of June. Until then.



This is my leg and it actually has shape, not just a fat blob! Yay!!!

The Fat Chick


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

BAD 3 DAYS

It all started on Friday after my 3lb gain. I met with the ex so he could see the girls. Everything was fine. He told me he wanted to get back together. I said no, that we could only be friends. He kissed me. I got mad. I felt completely out of control and sought solace in food later. Saturday I went to the mall with my grandma. I ate well until after lunch. That is when I saw that he had called me 2x and texted me 1x in the span of a half hour. Without reading his text I called him, imagining some kind of emergency where he promptly ripped me up one side and down the other for not having answered his calls. He then threatened me that divorce and custody battles for the girls were imminent and hung up. I called his mom, hoping to convince her to talk some sense into him. But apparently she's as nutty as him because her solution was to divorce and give him one of the girls so he could take her back to mexico and keep the other here. Can we ALL say WTF?!?! I was so stressed out with my blood pressure fluctuating and a migraine in the making that once again I sought comfort in food. And then Sunday he called and apologized and told me he loved me. Again, WTF?!?! He defended why his mom said what she said and begged me to start our relationship over again. I freaked out and once more looked to food. I can't do this anymore. The whole ex thing. My girls and my health come first. I need to find a kickass lawyer now. (sigh) I'm back on track....again.... Do I sound like a broken record? I don't blame you if you're sick of me falling off n getting back on just to repeat the process again and again. I know I'm tired of it. Anyway there's my update. I'll be back later to post June 1st photos.
The Fat Chick

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...