Friday, July 30, 2010

YAY SALADS, YAY INSPIRATION, YAY YAY YAY!!

Holy recipes BATMAN! I am so excited by the sudden influx of salad recipes coming my way. I am going to start making them August 8th because that is when I get paid. No new groceries till then, but on that day I will start making 1 or 2 salads every day and I will document them here with photos for your viewing pleasure. There are a few I am particularly excited about, but to keep things fair and neutral I won't say which.

*For those who haven't entered my Salad Marathon Challenge yet, scrounge up your fave salad recipe (any kind of salad ie: tuna, chicken, oriental, Greek, fruit, or regular 'ol lettuce - anything) and send it in to me. You can find a list of places you can send the recipe HERE.

ONTO INSPIRATION!

Ever since I asked my Ex not to bother me anymore (and he hasn't - thank God!) I have felt newly inspired in every aspect of my life. Eating well - Exercising - writing in my book with more zest - writing in my blog with more enthusiasm - enjoying my girls - living life - EVERYTHING!! It is just so liberating to not feel overwhelmed and burdened by someone's control over me. The freedom I feel is astounding. And no, I don't mean the freedom of being able to date (because I don't want to) and I don't mean the freedom of the obligation of being a wife (being a wife wasn't so bad. It's when the definition of wife turned into doormat is when things changed) No, rather it is a freedom of being allowed to express myself how I want to in any way I want to. I can say what I want to say because there is no fear of a language barrier to misunderstand my words and use them against me. I don't have to try to make anyone understand what I'm trying to say because it is simply understood. Oh how I LOVE the English language. I love Spanish too but I have fallen a slave to it for so long that it isn't as beautiful as it once was to me. Also, regarding expressing myself, if I want to get a tattoo (which may be one of my weight loss rewards) I won't have to worry about him calling me a prostitute. If I want to pierce my nose, I won't have to worry about him telling me how ugly it looks just because he doesn't want HIS wife property to have a piercing anywhere but her ears. I can wear what I want.

*I will never forget one day when I was 6 months pregnant with Buzzy and my boobs were seriously engorged and all my shirts were V necks. I dressed for the day and felt good about myself and my bump. Dare I say I felt pretty. But then he came in the room and ruined it all, telling me I was his wife and soon to be mother and I didn't need to go around looking like a whore. He then proceeded to tell me that he could see my nipples (hello, I'm 6 months pregnant!) through my shirt and I needed to change my bra to a padded one so no one could see them. He asked me what my daughter would think if she saw me like that and did I want to give her that kind of example to look up to. (Mind you, my boobs were well concealed inside my shirt - just the top cleavage part was visible)

Now, I don't have to worry about that. Hell, I can go bare my boobs, nipples and all if I want to - and get fined for indecent exposer. LOL Nah, but seriously. I just feel like I'm my own person now. The only person I have to answer to is me and the only people I have to take care of are my girls and myself.

I love that I feel motivated to eat well. I feel so healthy and energetic when I am eating well.

Tangent - Why isn't eating well habit forming like eating crap?!?! I just don't get it. My body SHOULD CRAVE ALL THIS HEALTHY FOOD BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. Not the shit that makes me feel like, well, shit!- End Tangent

I love love love LOVE my Lateral Thigh Trainer. No jarring impact like walking or running and a huge workout. Think a mix between a stair stepper and an elliptical. This thing rocks and kicks my ass! Yet it's easy!

Oh, now that I think about it, I suppose I should touch on my weigh in this morning. 277. That's 2lb gain from last week but I was expecting it after my stress induced binges. NO MORE OF THOSE and I have stopped my planned Friday binges too. They just aren't necessary.

My ending calorie intake for today was a little over 1300 calories. It's amazing how easy it is when I set my mind to it. When I don't make excuses or allow myself to justify 'just one bite'. I eat 3 meals with 1 or 2 small snacks and staying under 1500 calories is almost ridiculously easy. It's when I allow myself just that one bite of a cookie, or just five chips; that is when I feel the need to throw in the towel. I have finally learned it is OK to tell myself NO.

In fact I have found myself arguing with myself like a small child these past two days.
An example:

The Fat Chick: I'm hungry

The Healthy Chick: You just ate. You aren't hungry. Find something else to do.

The Fat Chick: No! I am hungry. I'm just gonna have 100 calories worth of something.

The Healthy Chick: You will regret 100 calories of something you think you need but don't even
really want. Leave the cupboard alone. There's nothing in there worth eating.

The Fat Chick: How do you know? We haven't looked in over an hour.

The Healthy Chick: Because nothing has been bought in that hour. The same foods are still in there and none of it is worth 100 calories when you aren't even hungry!

The Fat Chick: But I am!

The Healthy Chick: No.You.Are.Not!

-Buzzy interjects requesting to take a walk in her push car.

The Fat Chick: Tell her that MAYBE you'll take her if you feel like it after you eat something and make sure you eat it where she can't see you, otherwise she'll want some and I don't want to share.

The Healthy Chick: I'll take her now and you can sit down and shut up about it. This body is going for a walk and there's not a thing you can do about it!

Yep, that's just about exactly what goes on inside my nutty little brain. I hope as the weight comes off the Fat Chick will rear her fat mouth less and less. Then when I am under 175lbs (or in approximately 100 more pounds) I am going to change my blog name to The Healthy Chick Weigh. I choose 175lbs to change the name because that is when my BMI officially leaves the OBESE ranks.

Okay, my thoughts are suddenly floundering all over the place. So before I confuse you and myself thoroughly I will say goodnight. I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend. I can't believe August is almost here! Feels like summer just began. Then again going into fall is my favorite time of year. Okay, there I go rambling again. Goodnight all!

The Fat Chick

Thursday, July 29, 2010

SALADS & FOLLOWERS & WEIGH INS . . . OH MY!

Ok, people. How is it possible that I get quite a few e-mails, quite a few comments and quite a few misc. messages but I have only gotten 4 salad recipes!! Come on! Remember, the 1st prize winner has a choice between a pink mini elliptical or a gift card. So send in your salad recipes. My gut is craving salad and what better way to satisfy that craving than trying all my follower's (or non follower's) favorite salads. Come on people. Send em in. You can go HERE to see where you can send them or just click the Salad Marathon Challenge link at the top left hand side of my blog. Come on, I know you can do it. Bring on the lettuce. Err, or whatever your favorite salad has. (Lettuce is not a necessity - any kind of salad. Tuna, chicken, fish, fruit - WHATEVER just please make sure it is 500 calories or less per serving) THANKS!

I am shocked and dismayed and . . . surprised. (Yeah, I know. Mildly anti-climatic) LOL Actually I was quite pleased and excited when I got online to check my blog for comments and to set up this post to see I had reached more than 200 followers. I had never guessed in 100, 1000, 1million years (I exaggerate - as if you couldn't tell) that I would have even 50 followers, let alone 200. So thanks for following me and sharing in this little part of cyber space that is mine. I appreciate every one of you and have actually attempted to follow each and every one of you in return (except those that don't have follow-able links) I have even made some very close friends with a few of you and wish we all lived closer so we could get together and eat . . . I mean visit.

Lastly, weigh in day is tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I wish I could beat or shoot (like the dear old lady to the left over there) my scale into submission to read what I want it to read but the scale doesn't lie. Actually it does lie, but it also tells the truth. Especially when you have gone on every other day binging rampages. That is when the scale decides it is under oath and must under no circumstances give a number that is inaccurate. ((sigh)) What will be will be though, right? Right. So I will face my demons binges like a big girl and suck it up, whatever the scale says. I was an exceedingly good girl today though. Remember those 700 calories I said I had left in my last post? Well 100 of them went 1/4 of a Starbucks double chocolate brownie that my mom had gotten for Buzzy. She wanted to share with mama and mama was NOT OPPOSED but I told myself 1/4 and no more! And I did it!! 1/4 of yummy chocolately goodness. HAVE I EVER MENTIONED THAT STARBUCKS IS THE DEVIL?? Well, it is for me. Anyhoo, I'd like to say I didn't want more. I did, but I didn't. Not another bite, not another nibble and not even a lick. Nope! When Buzzy was done with the rest (and of course she didn't finish it) I tossed that sucker in the garbage disposal and was done with it. D.O.N.E! Then for dinner I had a 310 calories Healthy Choice meal consisting of BBQ chicken, potatoes, sweet corn and apple pie. It was good too. MMM MMM MMM! And now I am done for the day, topping out at just over 1200 calories. AND TONIGHT I GET MY LATERAL THIGH TRAINER! I'm gonna rock these fat old thighs into rock hard muscle machines! Haha!
Ok, done rambling now.
GO FIND A SALAD RECIPE FOR ME!
The Fat Chick

STANDING STRONG WITH YOUR SUPPORT

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It amazes me that so many 'total strangers' (because I don't consider you total strangers - but you understand what I mean - someone I have never met in person) takes so much time out of their lives to read my words and then right such encouraging and supportive e-mails, texts, comments and spring form messages. I honestly cannot tell you what this means to me. I took some advice today (of course I modified it so that it fit my life) but I did it.

This morning at 10:30 I got this text from the ex: (Red italics are my input on his text)

Good Morning before anything. You know, now that I have gotten it out (because I guess he told some work friends about our entire situation) I see things differently. If you didn't want to try to fix everything again I understand because I have experienced things living with you that have stayed in the past. Like when I got really sick (the man had a migraine and thought he was on his deathbed - plus I was newly released from the hospital after my c-section with Breezy) and I asked you to take me to the doctor and you didn't do it. When I got a ticket (for driving in the carpool lane without any other passengers) I asked you to accompany me to the court and you told me that I got the ticket. (I also had two babies, 1 and a few months old - downtown court house in another state is not a place for them) And even though I paid your grandpa with every check from *my first job* you said that to get back together I needed to sign a paper that I was going to continue paying your grandpa. Despite all this like my mom said, forget all that son. Be happy above all for your daughters so they don't suffer. I did that. I understood and I left it all in the past. You know well that I didn't threaten you. I simply told you that if you didn't let me see my daughters that are the most beautiful thing in my life after my parents (DID YOU CATCH THAT? HIS DAUGHTERS COME AFTER HIS PARENTS) that I was going to ask for a divorce. I'm not mad. (Uh, okay that last sentence didn't make sense but that's what he said)

And yes, I am quite aware that this text is extremely choppy and almost unintelligible. But it isn;t my translation. I really think he has problems expressing himself, in anyway and this is just evidence of that.

This was my response. The first time I have really ever stood up and told him to leave me alone. However, being the person I am and considering these texts could be used for or against either one of us I had to clarify:

I don't know why you sent me all that. Obviously you haven't left anything in the past but that isn't important. To clarify I didn't take you to the doctor because I had two small babies that needed me. I didn't accompany you to court for the same reason. It wasn't a place for babies. And honestly, it isn't important now but you didn't give every check from *your first job* to my grandpa. You only paid him when you had enough. Also to clarify another thing. You have threatened me so many times that I can't even count them. From the beginning of our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend you have always threatened me with one thing or another. And finally, I'm asking you that unless it is to talk directly to or about our daughters or to talk about bills and the money going toward those bills please leave me alone. I have my daughters to take care of and don't have time to read or write this ridiculousness. Thanks.

Now, I guess we'll just see if he complies. I hope so. If he doesn't I am contemplating having a restraining order written up. I just can't take this anymore. When I saw his text this morning my heart literally started beating in my throat. He has such control over me, such fear inducing presence even just through text that he affects my physical health. My heart didn't relax and I didn't feel better until nearly an hour later (well after I had set the phone down) and after I had taken a nice warm relaxing shower. Only then did my pulse return to normal and my mind felt more at ease. AAAGGGHHH!!

I have been good though. I haven't binged. In fact I have consciously NOT even entered the kitchen at all today while I was feeling stressed. I had a bowl of chex with 2% milk (1 cup/ea) for breakfast. A lean cuisine quesadilla with a dollop of sour cream and veggie chips for lunch and a tall nonfat mocha for snack. To stay under 1500 cals for the day I still have 700 calories left for dinner and/or snack dessert and I will be okay. One day, one meal, one minute at a time.

I really don't think I could do it without you people out there who so openly support me. And a special thanks to Miss L (you know who you are) who sent me a most wonderful e-mail. I appreciate it more than I can express with words. I cried and I smiled and I felt very united with you. Thank you! Thank you!

PS: Meagan, thank you for your comment as well. How is your babykins? The mini elliptical you asked about in my previous post was bought online for $99. I had it shipped normal but came the next day and with tax and S&H it was $120. It's a fantastic product. My only complaint is it's heavy and keep Miss A. away cuz the rollers could really hurt her.

The Fat Chick

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

AND IT ALL COMES CRASHING DOWN . . . AGAIN

I feel like a broken record or perhaps directions on a shampoo bottle.

LATHER . . . RINSE . . . REPEAT . . .

Only in my case it's more like:

EAT WELL . . . BINGE . . . REPEAT

I'd like to say I don't know why I do these things. I really would. Then I would have a psychological excuse that I could use. The problem, is that I know exactly why I have been eating well until dinner and then stuffing my mouth.

My ex.

I can almost hear the collective groan of boredom and frustration from my readers.

Why can't you just not let him affect you?
Why can't you ignore him?
You're just looking for an excuse to eat.
You are knowingly allowing him to enable you.
You are sabotaging yourself.

Yeah, I've heard it before. ALL of it.

The problem is, I am still the insecure 15 year old girl inside whenever he texts or calls me. The insecure 15 year old girl with 10 years of verbal and physical abuse heaped on top of all her insecurities. I did fabulous today. FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC! I even made one of the salads (AN UNNAMED TUNA-LETTUCE-RAISIN-CHEESE COMBINATION WITH RANCH DRESSING AND HONEY DIJON MUSTARD - IT ROCKED) But then he texted me.

In reality he had been texting me on and off all day but this one text just really threw me off. Apparently, after all that we have been through he STILL does not get that I don't want to be with him.

I told him as much.

And once again he says we need to get a divorce.

WELL HELLO!

In any case conversing with him is bad for me. Very very bad. It puts me in a mental state of vulnerability and insecurity that instantly has me seeking something substantial and tangible for comfort. Food.

FOOD!
FOOD!
FOOD!

DAMMIT!

When will I be able to let go of food?!?!

I'll admit that as I am typing this, tears are streaming down my face. Not for my husband or our relationship or what was our relationship or even what I wished our relationship could have been. Not for the abuse I have suffered or the threats I have heard or fear. Not for the inevitable divorce or what may come after. No. The reason I am crying has nothing to do with my ex. I am crying because I don't know when my dependence on food will become a healthy dependence. When will I stop looking to food for anything more than to nourishment? When will I stop looking at oreos and seeing a cream filled hug? When will I stop looking at candy and seeing a sugar coated kiss?

3 months ago in May when I reached the 50lb loss mark for the first time I thought I had done it. I was doing it. I had lost 50lbs! How easily that control slipped from my grasp.

I know weight loss journeys go through trials and tribulations. I know that there are ups and downs and it is a learning process. Hell, we wouldn't be fat if we knew it all and had it already figured out, right?

But this journey hurts. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before. Delving into the psychological reasons I physically feel the need to eat those cookies or that candy bar or that ENTIRE bag of chips. It's exhausting; mentally, physically, emotionally. It literally renders me useless by the end of each day and when my head hits the pillow I am asleep within minutes if not seconds.

Now, I know what I need to do. I was doing well on my BOX DIET. I allowed Mr. Ex to get to me, as usual . . . as I am writing this I just got a text from the Ex. I had previously texted about divorce that he just needed to tell me when.

And this is what he writes back. Tell me how you view this. I will write it in both English and Spanish in case there is any language barrier sentiment that I am missing and my bilingual readers might be able to point it out.

He said:

Spanish: Espero que nunca te arrepientas porque sera demasiado tarde. Como tu quieras
English: I hope you never regret this because then it will be to late. Whatever you want.

Now, I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a threat. What am I going to regret? Unless, once again he is talking about the girls in which case I hate that he uses them to try and push my buttons. If he isn't talking about the girls and he is just talking about me regretting not being with him or having no chance of being with him ever again, well than good riddance.

In any case, back to food. I have to admit to you, my bloggie readers, that this will probably be an enormous struggle for me until the divorce is final. It is very difficult for me to deal with a control freak, threats (especially dealing with my daughters) and keep it together 100% of the time. That is in no way to say I'm not going to try. I have no choice but to continue trying. I am not giving myself the option of completely giving up and going back to the life I was living 7 short months ago.

I want to reach my goal of between 130-160lbs more than almost anything in my entire life (only second to making sure my babies are happy, healthy and safe) and I will do it. Just a little slower than I had anticipated.

Oh, that stationary peddle bike I bought the other day. MOST HORRIBLE PURCHASE I HAVE EVER MADE. It was bent and crooked and when I tried to ride it I ended up with both legs straight out in front of me. Absolutely ridiculous, so it is going back. Friday I hope to be starting my workouts on my Lateral Thigh Trainer and on that note, do any of you have any suggestions or ideas of what I can do to keep a 1 and 2 year old occupied for 30-60 minutes while I do a workout video? I would do it while they are sleeping but they often sleep at different times.

And lastly I was contacted to do a giveaway on my blog and will be posting that soon. What kind of contest/challenge would my readers like to see?? Let me know.

The Fat Chick

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

SALAD CHALLENGE = MINI ELLIPTICAL - FROM ME TO YOU FOR ME OR YOU

This is going to be a fast and furious post because I have to finish some revising of my book.

First off:

SALADS!

I want recipes! Low cal (low point salads). Any kind. If you love em, I wanna know about em. I want to do some kind of salad-a-thon where I try a million different kinds of salads to mix things up. If you know of a super awesome salad like Sheryl's (Bitch Cakes') Super Salad than I wanna know. Tell me the ingredients I will need (I will eat anything - I am allergic to nothing and have no aversions to any kind of meat/poultry or seafood) and if there is any special preparation, let me know about that too. After I try them all I will be choosing first, second and third place winners who will win prizes!

MINI ELLIPTICAL

I am getting rid of mine because with my new stationary bike and Lateral Thigh Trainer, I have no room for it. I bought it less than 6 months ago for $99 and as you can see, a percentage of the profit went to Breast Cancer Awareness. It is lightly used and can be used standing (as an elliptical is generally used) or you can turn it around backwards, sit down and use it as a make-shift stationary bike. IIt is very versatile and compact. Do you want it? If so, send in a fabulous salad recipe (under 500 calories please) The first place winner will have their choice of this or a yet undetermined gift card.

How to enter recipes:

**Exceptions: I can only ship a package this large within the USA. I apologize, but I don't have abundant funds at the moment. However, if you are outside the USA and would like to try and win a gift card than by all means, please enter!

You can submit AS MANY RECIPES AS YOU WANT. Recipes will be accepted until August 31st and I will attempt to eat 2 salads a day for as long as the recipes come rolling in. Contest will officially end on September 5th and winner will be announced on September 10th.

Thank you for entering!

The Fat Chick

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I wanted to thank everyone who has sent well wishes for my mom. Tomorrow she is going for a follow-up appointment with her normal doctor. She hasn't been feeling any better. Her chest is still tight, she still has shortness of breath, back-shoulder-arm pain on the left side, she is weak and at times has a hard time making a coherent sentence. It's like she's all there, she knows what she wants to say but when the words try to leave her mouth they get jumbled. It seems she breathes easier when she's sitting still for long periods of time and the tightness/weakness is worse in the early evening.

Regarding the one post, suggesting it was her gallbladder, I thank you for that suggestion. She actually recently had her gallbladder removed (okay, not recently. Approximately 1 year ago just before Breezy was born) so I wonder if there is anything to do with that. A family friend who is an Oncology nurse said that my mom had 4 of the 5 symptoms that indicate heart attack, but when her blood was taken the doctors were sure that that was not the case. I guess whatever the heart emits when it is under great stress (as in with a heart attack) were not present, but like another commenter stated, doctors don't always know what they're talking about. It's called a PRACTICE for a reason right. Nothing is concrete and no one knows everything.

On a lighter note, many eons ago everyone in my family had one of these. They are called The Lateral Thigh Trainer. They are like a mix between an elliptical and a stair stepper. They work really well. Well, we all got rid of our because no one every used them. Thankfully one of my family members did keep hers and she is going to lend it to me. So, I am going to use it and my makeshift stationary bike (the mini elliptical positioned backwards) and hopefully get some good workouts in. Since I can't buy a real bike right now, and a stationary one would take up too much space in my room I'm thinking the mini elliptical will do just the trick. I just need to find a good chair to sit in while I do it. Not too high or too low and as for the lateral thigh trainer, I am hoping it works me out as good as a stair stepper might. All of this used as improvisation of course, until my girls are in school and I can go get a membership at a gym. That's a couple years coming though, so this will have to do for now.

Remember I told you in my last post that 'dinner had been served' and I was either going to eat too little or too much? Well, I think I actually did really well. My grandma made stuffed bell peppers. (she cooks zatarans spanish rice and mixes in ground hamburger and then stuffs the peppers with that and covers it in cheese) I had one bell pepper. No more, no less so I think I did okay.

And on that note (of not knowing exactly how I did) my aunt is going to let me use her food scale. Yay! I have been feeling so insecure and like I'm doing it all wrong when I am about to eat something like tri-tip and I don't know if what I have on my plate is a serving size of 3oz or 6oz or more. So hopefully using her food scale will help with that.

My BOX DIET is going well though. Obviously for the last few days I have not adhered as closely as I'd like because on Friday I had that stupid binge-fest. Yesterday I spent much of the day in the hospital where you don't find boxed Lean Cuisines and today was spent caring for my mom and trying not to eat us out of house and home. Tomorrow, I'm back on track though. BOX DIET resumes.

Speaking of tomorrow, I think I am supposed to see the ex so he can see his girls. I may or may not. I really don't think I should leave my mom while her health hangs in the balance the way it is. I'm not very superstitious but bad things almost always seem to happen when you are away (or at least that's my experience) so in case something were to happen, I'd like to be as close as possible. And even if nothing were to happen, I want to be available to help with whatever needs to be helped. Ya know? Being that he only sees them once a week, (his choice) does this seem unreasonable? I'm open to opinions.

And lastly, I went to the park this evening with Breezy, Buzzy, my gramma and my 8 year old cousin. I then proceeded to run my 8 year old cousin all the way back home in Buzzy's toy car. My calves are screaming at me. Oh and yesterday morning, before all hell broke loose, I did some of the 30 Day Shred (some because Breezy was being needy and I can't do jumping jacks holding a 25lb child) and then I did some of Leslie Sansone's Walk Away The Pounds on Comcast ON Demand. (Some, once again, because by then Breezy was not only needy but needing a nap desperately) So, I walked, kicked and knee lifted away the pounds for about 15 minutes carrying my 25lb baby and then she wouldn't have it anymore so I had to stop. I plan on doing more of those workouts though, because they're easy and yet I really broke a sweat. (probably cuz I was carrying Breezy?)






Now, it is 11PM and I shall bid my readers adieu. Thank you again for all the support and well wishes. You guys are awesome!


Until tomorrow,


The Fat Chick

TRYING TO FILL A VOID

Yesterday my sister and I went to see a movie. It was quite enjoyable. My grandma watched the girls and I was free for a blissful 2.5 hours.

Then we came home and something was wrong. Very wrong.

Once both my sister and I were inside the house my grandma told us that my mom had been having chest pains and left shoulder/arm pain for the past few days (and hadn't told anyone except my grandma) and that they had gotten worse and she had taken herself to urgent care. At the urgent care clinic my mom was told she was in no position to drive but needed to get to the ER immediately. In hindsight, it bothers me that they said this.


Once at at ER (my aunt drove her) they gave her an EKG (a heart test basically) took X-rays, took blood and put in 3 different IVs. WHAT?!?! Why 3? After waiting for 4 hours for test results everything came back normal. EVERY-THING. The doctors basically told my mom they could give her pain meds (in the form of prescription Morphine - wasn't that for people who are dying??) or do a stress test. She declined both. They never used any of the 3 IV sites they placed and so now I want to know why the urgent care was so URGENT about her getting to the ER.


And today, her chest is still tight. Her arm and back still hurt. She is still short of breath. Her eyes are bright red and water involuntarily without and provocation. It's just weird and not right.

So, all today I have really been struggling with not feeding my stress. I have wanted to use food to comfort myself and in some ways I guess I have but not in the binging ways I normally would. Instead, I have eaten good portions of good food, just perhaps too much. Like, a portion of saltines with mild cheddar but immediately followed by a nectarine, immediately followed by some grapes, immediately followed by . . . well you get the idea. I have been stuffing my face with good foods which I suppose is almost as bad as stuffing my face with crap? Regardless, I keep feeling like I am trying to fill this sudden void that has appeared and nothing is helping. My mouth feels dry and tasteless and I want something to coat it. My stomach feels empty and growly and yet heavy and achy and I want something to fill it, to soothe it, to make it better. But nothing I eat helps and nothing I can think of that we don't have sounds good.

Yesterday was just so awful and to see my mom in the condition she is in right now, it's scary. Yesterday on the way to the hospital I kept yo-yo-ing between extreme worry and extreme calm. I kept imagining that the worst would happen before we got there and then immediately I would feel calm, as if that was absurd and ridiculous and she was perfectly fine. That nothing like that could ever happen to her, to us which would in turn have my logical side saying, but it can and it could and it might which had me yo-yo-ing once again. It was awful.

Then, as if the worry about my mom was sufficient to send my stress levels through the roof, Buzzy has really been testing me today. She wants to see her Nana and doesn't understand that her Nana doesn't feel good, that she can't play and read and do all the things she normally does. Therefore her tantrums have intensified exponentially. What would normally be 1 or 2 in a day have now turned into every time something doesn't go her way. Jumping up and down, incoherent screaming, throwing things, hitting. ((sigh)) and to top it off the ex keeps texting me. Asking me how we woke up, what are we doing and why and then he calls and calls and calls and I just don't have time to answer what with taking care of children, trying to make sure my mom is okay while simultaneously trying not to bother her so she can rest. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. (haha, just a bit - that's funny)

So now, in an attempt to get my mind off of things I am trying to get it all out on here. My girls are watching Spongebob with their cousin while my mom sleeps, my stepdad is watching his own TV shows in a different room, my sister is surfing the web or some such teenage stuff, my aunt is cutting my grandpa's hair and everyone is calm - quiet- relaxed. Not me. I feel like a volcano ready to erupt so I am making the attempt to 'erupt' here and not in real life. Get it all out here so that maybe I can remain calm and sane and human for my family.
I must go now. The dinner I will either eat very little or too much of is being served. **wince**

The Fat Chick

Friday, July 23, 2010

WEEKLY PLANNED BINGE IS GETTING OLD

Every Friday, since I don't know when I have had a planned binge day. I figure, (and I am not sure where logic plays a part in this) but when I have eaten well for a whole week and I see that number go down on the scale, I should have one day of free-for-all. Right? Well, that's how I viewed things.

Until now.

Today is Friday. I ate on plan all week long. I weighed today and I lost a pound. Bringing me to exactly 275 and 50lbs lost (again).

And as it has happened for the past few Friday's I start my day eating a well balanced breakfast. A cup of cheerios with a medium sized banana diced up in it, and a 1/2 cup of 2% (sometimes I do nonfat) milk. In and of itself that was approximately a 300 calorie breakfast.

I then proceeded to remember that it is Friday. BINGE DAY!

So, what did I do? Went to the cupboard. Immediately the jalapeno cilantro tortillas my mom bought yelled out to me and I had heard that humus tastes good on tortillas so I tried it. It was good. Really good actually and only like 150 cals. But then the parasite in my brain that is a covetous food hoarder demanded that I eat more. What did I eat next? 2 Bagel chips (from a famous deli in California that I miss terribly) with ranch dressing (it's a family thing). Was it worth it? No. On to the next thing. A small package of Buzzy's Dora Fruit Chews. Only 90 cals but every calorie adds up. But HEY, it's Friday and I planned to binge. Right?

The parasitic food hoarder in my head nodded emphatically while my stomach moaned and ached for me to stop.

So, what was next? Oooh, my step-dad bought drumsticks. No not the turkey/chicken leg type of drumsticks. The drumstick ice cream cone, with the chocolate coating and the nuts on top. Yeah, so I ate one. The parasite applauded while my stomach threatened to throw itself up through my nostrils. But did I stop there?

Yep. Yep I did. Even though the parasitic freak in my head stomped it's feet and threatened me with my life (er, fat?) I stopped. Why? Because I realized that I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF WHAT I WAS EATING. I was eating because I had PLANNED to eat and suddenly realized that just because I PLANNED to didn't mean I NEEDED to.

Unfortunately the stupid buggar got the best of me when we went out to lunch though. Buzzy specifically asked for McDonalds. I generally only do fast food on the weekends for the kiddos so to limit their crap intake as well. But I obliged because Buzzy loves loves loves the happy meal toys and her 12oz soda. She couldn't care less about the food.

So, what did I order? A salad you ask? Oh no! Now, why would I order a SALAD on a PLANNED BINGE DAY?

No, I ordered 3 cheeseburgers, a medium iced coffee (I got sugar-free though- go figure) and a 6 piece nugget kids meal. I figured, Breezy would eat some nuggets, Buzzy would eat a cheeseburger and I would eat 2 cheeseburgers and finish off whatever they didn't eat. Nice way to revert to old habits right? Yeah, except remember my pesky stomach who totally overthrew that parasite in my head. Well, it happened for a second time in the same day. I ate my 2 cheeseburgers and felt like a friggin balloon about to burst. (Mind you, 7 months ago I could have eaten 6 cheeseburgers without a second thought) Then I ate the 2 chicken nuggets left over and started to eat Buzzy's cheeseburger when all of a sudden my gag-reflex kicked in. Nausea had me breathing deep and wanting to put my head between my knees (which thanks to a 50lb loss, I can actually do now)

The feeling passed and I didn't eat Buzzy's cheeseburger. I regretted the nuggets and cheeseburgers I did eat and was thankful that the fries just sounded horrific and hadn't eaten any. (Another odd revelation because it used to be that I was upset when someone else got more fries in their carton than me and now I don't want ANY - miracles never cease to amaze me)

Anyway, I didn't drink my iced coffee. Well, I drank like 1/4 and decided I didn't want that anymore either, so in the trash the fries, the cheeseburger (what was left) and my coffee went. YAY!!!

The binge fest continued on into the evening. I ate a coconut M&M - really good and 1 pretzel M&M - totally gross and then my grandma made a traditional thanksgiving dinner with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, biscuits and veggies. I couldn't even finish my first plate. I had 1 piece of the two pieces of turkey she had given me. Ate most of the stuffing and mashed potatoes, left the canned corn and ate 1/2 a biscuit with marionberry jam and then I was DONE. D.O.N.E! Normally I might have had seconds or even thirds! I was proud but mostly sick.

And lastly my aunt bought Aebelskiever (spelling?) mix (like little round donuts that you eat with powdered sugar or jam) when she went to Solvang (a traditional little Dutch town in California) and made them tonight. Normally I could have eaten a million but tonight I ate two. Didn't even really like them.

So, that was my day. Now I feel like a lump of lard. Seriously.

I am not sure why I even do these Friday binges anymore. I think I'm done because I am finding again and again that I don't enjoy most foods the way I used to. I need to save the extra calories for a special occasion when there IS something I REALLY WANT. Not put myself into a sugar/carb/calorie coma with foods that only taste subpar and make me feel like SHIT!

I've decided to look online (Craigslist) for a stationary bike. I wanted to buy a real bike and a burley for the girls but #1 they're phenomenally expensive and #2 I think Breezy is still too small. So, a stationary bike it is.

And lastly, I think my friend needs a bit of encouragement on her blog. She is a beautiful person with two beautiful girls. In essence her life follows mine very closely with a few surprises in the mix to shake things up. LOL She wants to give up on this whole healthy lifestyle thing and I think if more people than just I supported her and encouraged her she might feel more inspired and motivated to continue. So please take a little stroll over to MY LIFE IN A BLOG by Mom to 2 Girls. Leave some love for her. Thanks!

The Fat Chick

Thursday, July 22, 2010

KICKIN A DEAD HORSE & THEN GETTIN BACK TO IT

Okay I was going to start this post off differently. WAS. I came across one of the blogs I follow on my google reader and her title said something about UNFOLLOWING in it. Now, I am not sure why she needed to announce it to the world, but that's fine. Freedom of speech right? Anyhoo, I go on to read her post. It was nice, with a PS about unfollowing a blog she thought she really enjoyed (MINE) because we don't see eye to eye on some things. Apparently, in her case homosexuality.

So I have several things to make clear to my readers and anyone who happens upon my blog.

  • You are welcome to read at your leisure from beginning to end or end to beginning, whatever suits your fancy.
  • You are not IN ANY WAY obligated to read one post or another. If you don't like something I have to say, either ignore it or go somewhere else. I have not shackled and bound you by entering my site, to not only read my posts but to agree with them as well.
  • You are welcome to follow me. Be my guest, the button is up there in the right hand corner. Click follow twice and DONE and wham bam thank you ma'am.
  • If at any time you choose it is so pertinent you are ABSOLUTELY WELCOME to unfollow me. Again you are bound by nothing to read what I have to write.
  • I write for myself. Not for those who read so if you don't like what I have to say it is of no obligation of mine to change my mind or to not write my perspective.
  • When you unfollow me, I probably will never know. But if you are one of the many people who follow me, and I have mutually followed you and then you blog about unfollowing me, it is likely I will read it and may or may not mutually unfollow you as well. If I do, it is simply because I only followed you because you were following me. If I don't, it is because I sincerely like your blog and your dislike of mine has no bearing on what I will and won't read.
  • Like I am sure you expect me to respect you and your personal property (even in cyber space) I expect you to respect mine. If I make a request that certain issues not be commented on I expect that to be respected. If it is not, comments will be turned off, as happened with my most recent post.

Now that, that is cleared up. I thought since this particular person did not interpret my beliefs correctly that I would state them here. Once again for your benefit so you can decide whether I am worthy of following.

  • I am a Christian. Not a saint. I try to follow the Bible because I believe it is the living word of God. I am however, human. I sin and have fault and will never ever ever be perfect.
  • Being a Christian I cannot with good conscience condone acts that are forbidden by the 10 commandments. If you are a murderer or a thief, it is unlikely that I will want to associate with you. If you are of another religion, worship idols, take the Lord's name in vain (knowingly), curse your parents, cheat on your spouse, or lie than it is likely we can be friends but agree to disagree on certain subjects. If you work on Saturday or Sunday, well, I can't really hold that against you in this day and age. You gotta feed your kids.
  • I am not right wing conservative and I do not hate liberals/democrats. I am moderate conservative and I dislike immensely some of the laws implemented by said liberals/democrats.
  • I do not hate anyone, though my ex comes very close. Rather I dislike many many people.
  • I am 100% against abortion. Does that mean I will judge YOU for having one? No. That isn't up to me.
  • I am 95% against illegal immigration. That 5% allows for people fleeing from corrupt countries where their lives and well being are in danger because of radical groups/dictators.
  • Contrary to popular belief, I DO NOT HATE GAY PEOPLE. I do not agree with the lifestyle but it is theirs to lead. I am no one to judge. In fact I have several gay male friends myself and they are truly wonderful people.

*When I wrote my last post about Jesus being anti-gay, anti-abortion and anti-premarital sex I was asked where in the Bible it said anything like this. I looked it up and found the text and as a product have been labeled as all of the above as well as labeled that I think God HATES EVERYONE. Let me make this crystal clear. The text from the Bible DOES NOT MEAN THAT GOD HATES PEOPLE WHO ARE GAY OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABORTIONS OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE PREMARITAL SEX. God does not hate anyone. He hates what we do, not who we are. He hates the act of murder. Not the murderer. He hates the act of adultery, not the adulter. Okay?!?!

  • I am not a supporter of premarital sex. HYPOCRITE, is what you are screaming at me from behind your computer screen I'm sure. But let me explain. I am not a supporter of it because I know the consequences. Aside from my religion frowning upon it, premarital sex has so many consequences and very few positives. Again though, I don't judge people for having premarital sex. This is one thing that unfortunately a person has to learn for themselves. The even more unfortunate part is that once the lesson is learned, it's too late.
  • I don't support Obama, nor did I support much of what the Bush Administration did. I am not a huge fan of politicians in general.
  • I am not GREEN. I believe, yes we should take care of our planet, but not to the extreme extent that activists are taking these days.
  • Now to get to who I really am. I am a 25 year old single mother of two little girls trying to make a life with very little. I was sexually abused as a young teen and then proceeded to waste 10 years of my life on someone who only used me to gain residency in this country and therefore trust very few men. I write as a hobby and one day hope to be published. It is a life long dream and if it takes the duration of my life to dream it into existence than so be it. I am fat. Whether it is gluttony, a subconscious defense mechanism, a need for control or something I have not yet discovered, I don't know, but I'm working hard to figure it out. I write on this blog because it is therapeutic and cathartic for me. I enjoy that other people read my blog as well. I do not take any joy from hurting or belittling or spiting other people, much less people I have never met. If you enjoy this blog than I encourage you to read. If you don't, than I encourage you to find one that you do enjoy.

And now I am moving on.

It's nice every once in a while to deviate from the same ol same ol. However, I think it's time to get back to the purpose of this blog which IS weight loss. Of course other topics will arise. That's life. But that was yesterday and today, now, I want to get back to weight loss.

So today I went shopping as I promised one of my readers who says she is living vicariously through me until her financial situation is a bit better:

This is my face. Duh right? Lol well yesterday I got my eyebrows waxed. The girl left them too thick for my taste but hey, they don't look like bush hedges anymore.


This is what I started out wearing. Same size 20 pants cuz they're the only ones that fit me right, my 2x black camisole and 2x blue shirt. Ssshhh it's actually a pajama shirt but that's just between us *wink*



And this is what I tried on.

Black Dickie style pants size 22.
I bought them




Same Dickie pants and button up black shirt.
I wanted to buy the black shirt but it tied in the back and I fear EVER looking pregnant again so passed on the potentially maternity-esque shirt.


Cargo pants size 22. They were too big. Weird!


A plaid button up.
I felt a little bit like a Hillbilly

A knit hoodie.
I bought this
A peasant top. Toooo tight in 2x.
They didn't have a 3x or I would have tried it. Was cute on top.

A 2x shiny black shirt with a belt.
Only a few more inches down in the waist and maybe I can pull this one off?
OK who am I kidding? I need to lose like a ton in my waist before I can pull this one off.

An pretty orange top that I made look hideous.

A white and blue top with an empire belt.

And a purple top.
Wanted to buy this one but it was $40 not on sale. Poo!
And that, my lovelies was my shopping experience for today. Tomorrow is weigh in. I have been good. Staying around 1700 calories or less a day. Not much to speak of on the exercise front though, so we shall see. If today is any look in a crystal ball for tomorrow morning it may be that I'll just be maintaining again. Hmmmm. I need a bike. Food for thought.
Love
The Fat Chick

SPECIFICALLY ANSWERING WANNABEBUTTERFLY'S QUESTION

Wannabebutterfly asked:

Could you please post the bible verses where Jesus commented on abortion, homosexuality and pre-marital sex? What? He didn't? Interesting.

Oh, yes, yes he did!

Homosexuality:
  • Lev. 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."1
  • Lev. 20:13, "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them"
  • 1 Cor. 6:9-10, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God."
  • Rom. 1:26-28, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, 27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. 28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."

  • Abortion:

    The Bible doesn't call abortion "abortion" because in those times the offending woman who had cause for an 'abortion' was just killed for whatever atrocious act she had committed (ie: adultery, pre-marital sex etc) but these Bible verses on abortion address the issue:

    "Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." (Jeremiah 1:4-5).

    "What then shall I do when God rises up? When He punishes, how shall I answer Him? Did not He who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same One fashion us in the womb?" (Job 31:14-15)

    "For You formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." (Psalm 139:13-14)

    Another among the Bible verses on abortion is Luke 1:15, which states that John the Baptist will be "filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother's womb", meaning that the baby in the womb has a soul for the Holy Spirit to fill.

    Pre-Marital Sex:

    Jesus said this:

    [Jesus] went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.'" (NIV, Mark 7:20-23)

    The apostle Paul wrote these verses:

    The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (NIV, Galatians 5:19-21)

    Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (TNIV, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

    It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; (TNIV, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)

    The Bible does not provide a specific list of acts that constitute "sexual immorality," but any sexual intercourse, except between husband and wife, would be included:

    Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (English Standard Version, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5)

    Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (NIV, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9)

    Does this clear things up?

    Now, I did not post this so that we can have a huge debate on the validity of everything written. If you don't believe in the Bible and don't think these verses mean anything, that is your perogative. Let's leave this alone. I simply wanted to answer Wannabebutterfly's question. Please.

    The Fat Chick

    Wednesday, July 21, 2010

    LETS TALK ABOUT SEX

    To be completely honest, after the last bout of controversial drama I wasn’t sure if I should publish this post tonight. That lasted all of about 60 seconds (60 seconds too long) and I reminded myself that this is my blog. I will write what I will write, period.

    So, this deserves a MINOR’S DISCLAIMER. This post is intended for mature-adult audiences and may contain detailed and/or graphic information of a sexual nature. It is not in any way intended for any child under the age of 18.

    So, earlier today Bitch Cakes (who I love, and will repeat that I love her and her blog again and again because she is just so awesome and inspirational) tweeted that she missed sex. She said she missed sex more than any food and something strange came over me. It was weird. I couldn’t relate and not because food is my end all. No, not that at all. I responded to her that I wished I could miss sex but that unfortunately I had never had an experience worth missing, and as I tweeted that I became very sad. Sad, because it was unequivocally and undeniably true. Those eight words hit a nerve and I literally sat for several moments trying to negate their validity. I couldn’t.

    I am 25 years old. I have had sex with 2 men. Only with one was it consensual. I had one boyfriend in high school before my husband. We’ll call him Bobby. Bobby was a pervert and only interested in one thing. It almost happened, but never did. Then I met Bobby #2 because obviously I didn’t have enough Bobby’s in my life. (For the record, though their names were not actually Bobby they both shared the same name) Bobby #2 was 29 years older than me when I was 14. Yes, that means he was 43. 2 years after I met Bobby #2 he was put in jail for over 50 counts of statutory rape, rape and other charges. Those 50 counts were only for me and my best friend who had the bad fortune of being with me. Bobby#2 was put in jail for 5 years. To this day when I hear his REAL name, I shudder. In fact, one of my favorite actor’s shares Bobby’s real name and I have to call the actor by his most popular character’s name because otherwise the freak-out factor becomes too much for me.

    As those who have read my blog for any length of time have read again and again, I met my now ex husband when I was 15. We became a couple when I was 15. He was 24 soon to be 25. I thought the sun and the moon and stars revolved around him. Now, when I look back I know I was blinded by the attention he gave me and my insecure need for that attention and acceptance.

    We didn’t have real sex until I was 17. We had plenty of what some might call *dry* sex – or sex with clothes on. But the transition from dry to real sex was anticlimactic and very quickly began to feel like a chore. He expected it, I gave it and then we moved on to what I thought were more enjoyable activities, like watching movies or going out to eat, going to the beach or even just watching television. There is not one sexual experience in my past that I can look back on and say, Wow that was good. Or I miss that. Or I hope I find that again. I hate that I have two daughters and I cannot look back at their conception (because I know exactly which sexual experience each was conceived by – yes, I was that repulsed that I kept track of how often so I could use excuses not to when it got to be too much)

    In fact my mental image of sex is so distorted that I actually cannot fathom ever having sex again. I cannot fathom enjoying sex. It feels too primal, too out of control, too uncomfortable, and too messy. Once upon a time I thought that Bobby #2 had ruined the idea of sex for me. I guess that is part of the equation. Then I thought that if I lost all my weight surely I would be able to enjoy sex. Well even at my thinnest of 203, I did not enjoy sex with my then boyfriend soon to be husband and now ex. So, sometimes I think well if I get down to goal – if I get down to between 130-150 then surely THEN I will be able to enjoy sex. I guess we’ll just have to see. Right now I cannot fathom it.

    25 years old and not one memorable sexual experience. A ten year relationship without one moment of true bonding. Not one moment of truly feeling a part and loved and wanted. Instead, I constantly felt used and then neglected.

    So, now I sit here and wonder. Will I forever feel this deep revulsion at the idea of sex? Is it something within me that I will never be able to extract? Or will one day I be able to find the one person who will truly complete me and with that person surely THEN I will be able to enjoy sex. I suppose only time will tell.

    If you are willing to share, do you enjoy sex regardless of your past/body image issues? And if so, do you have any wisdom to impart to me on how in the future, should the right man come along that I too might be able to enjoy one of the most beautiful gifts God has given us?
    The Fat Chick

    IN AWE OF MY SUPPORT

    For every 190 followers it seems I have 1 person who feels the need to knock me down few notches. That's okay. I'm tough. I have thick skin.

    What I am amazed by is the support that comes flowing in when that 1 person goes on their rampage. I have received literally dozens of e-mails, a few texts and obviously several comments regarding this person.

    I have to let you all know that I utilized the e-mail she offered and though we still disagree on several subjects, a truce of source has been established.

    As Ms. Chunky Chick stated in her comment on my last post, this is a place to come and let it all out. Life is so full of ups and downs and everyone needs an outlet. I wish mine was exercise cuz that's what my body NEEDS, but I have been blessed with the drive to write. I write everything from lists upon lists of things to this blog to 700 page novels. I am a writing freak!

    *Speaking of, I just wrote 26 pages of my novel out of pure frustration. WOOHOO! Bring on the drama to get my writing juices flowing. Okay, I am really not an advocate of cyber-catfights but I am grateful that this particular one inspired me to write in my book.

    But when you write it is to be assumed that at some point someone somewhere is not going to agree or like what has been written. The same goes for people who speak publicly, or really anyone who does anything publicly. Someone somewhere isn't going to like it. Thankfully I have been blessed with a wonderful community of followers/supporters and the people who oppose me either don't express it or are in the severe minority. I'd like to think the latter.

    So to answer a few questions that have been raised:

    Q: Am I going to stop blogging?
    A: NO. It will take more than a few random comments to make me stop blogging.

    Q: How do you bounce back when people attack you and your children?
    A: If it were physical, things would be seriously different but they aren't. We were attacked with words and words are just that. Words. I have been verbally attacked all my life regarding my weight and my decisions etc. Generally people making accusations don't know me and unless what they are accusing me is unbeknownst to me and true, it doesn't really affect me. I allow people to assume because it really only makes an ass out of them, not me.

    Q: Why don't you erase hateful comments from your blog?
    A: Because to me that seems like the cowardly thing to do. Erasing the comment means that I feel inferior to it. I don't. There is little that one can say to me that would cause me to bow my head and tuck my proverbial tale between my legs. Deleting comments just isn't necessary.

    So, in conclusion I will leave you all with a quote from my mama when I told her about the whole comment-rant situation and let her read everything.

    "Does the woman think she's a higher power? Cuz, if she knew you she'd probably be taking two steps back and biting her tongue."

    I thought that was pretty funny. I don't necessarily agree with the whole taking two steps back but I have always been told that in person I can be a bit intimidating. (All 5'4" of me haha)

    Okay, next post I PROMISE will be weight loss related. I am now dropping this whole comment - politically correct crap.

    The Fat Chick

    A VIEW FROM A READER - TOLERANCE

    I received this beautiful nugget of wisdom from one of my readers after my small (because I certainly could have made it bigger) rant on being politically correct. *Oddly enough the person who was so kind as to give me such straight forward and solid opinions of myself had to hind behind a single vowel ‘A’ without a profile or blog linking to them for me to go to, to thank them. So I suppose I will do that here.

    THANK YOU A.

    For those of you who are not inclined to go back into the history of my blog and find A’s comment I will happily post it here so that you too might be informed of his/her (probably her?) opinion of me. It is truly eye opening. (smile)

    Okay, so I started reading your blog because I thought it was about weight loss. (It's not. It's about your trainwreck of a life.) And here's what I've learned:

    You're a miserable, sad, single, fat woman with two already fat kids and a pending divorce. You don't seem to have an income or a hope of an income, since you're always asking someone else to pay your bills. You want to be a writer, but your writing on here is subpar at best. You're scared of things that are different or that challenge anything outside your tiny world. You're especially angry at those nasty "liberals" who do nasty things like stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves. (Heaven forbid you ever need any kind of assistance with childcare or food, since I'm sure you'd not take up such a "liberal handout.")

    And, according to your post, it's okay for me to say all these things because that's the reality. Don't blame me. I'm just telling you what I see, and that's my right. Right? I just call it like I see it.

    PS: If you are "Jesus following" or whatever you put up there in your incoherent list of attributes, you might ask yourself how Jesus would approach being "PC." Would he use a term used to describe people with a medical condition to mean "stupid"? Would Jesus even call someone stupid? Prolly not. Jesus might take the high road and display his anger with grace and kindness.

    Good luck to you. For the sake of your children, I hope you get your life straightened out sooner rather than later.

    So, you started reading my blog because you thought it was about weight loss. HERE’S A SECRET: IT IS!

    And yes, it is also about my train wreck of a life. Thank you for that chicken nugget of wisdom. You then proceed to call me miserable and sad (why, yes I am a lot of the time – THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS) single (duh?) woman… I am guessing you were being intentionally redundant with that one.

    (So far I am not offended)

    You then proceed to call my children fat. Yes, my one little girl is technically quite fat. She is in the 105th percentile for height and weight, but she’s not even 1 yet, sooo, we’ll see. My other daughter is definitely solid. If you choose to call her fat, well then that’s your opinion and you are welcome to it arentcha?

    (Still not offended)

    As for having no income or HOPE of having an income, once again you are right. WOW YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR STUFF. The problem is that my bills are still legally my ex’s bills and he pays them *sometimes*. So, yeah someone else pays my bills if that is what you meant. He doesn’t pay anything else though (ie: child support, buy diapers, formula or any other necessities)

    (Still not offended)

    You try to offend my writing, but you haven’t read my fiction. You have only read posts that I whip out in minutes with typos and not too much thought to format or flow.

    (Might have been offended if I knew you or if you had read my writing but I don’t and you haven’t so still not offended)

    I must challenge your observation that I am scared of things outside of my ‘tiny world’. It just simply isn’t true.

    Being MAD at liberals is ridiculous. I am not mad at liberals, I am mad at liberal leaders. And sometimes people DO need help but liberals don’t just help people stand who can’t stand on their own. They also help every Tom Dick and Larry who is very comfortably residing in middle class suburbia who has just decided not to work. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

    And (almost) lastly (because you added your silly little PS in there) yes, you have a right to state everything you stated. Much of it was very true. Much of it was what I write every day and so thank you for reiterating it again and again. I suppose redundancy is your ‘thing’? The few things you were wrong about, well, you are more than welcome to hold them as your opinions.

    But once again, I’m not offended by them. SHOULD I BE?

    Now in regards to your PS. You apparently have no concept of who Jesus was. Perhaps you should look into defining the words politically correct (the real definition) and then look up Jesus Christ and see how ‘followed political correctness’. TWO WORDS – HE DIDN’T.

    Another word for political correct-ness is TOLERANCE. Tolerance used to basically mean tolerating beliefs and or lifestyles that were not liked or popular. Now the word TOLERANCE means every religion, every lifestyle and every person is created equal.

    Jesus was NOT TOLERANT. He is anti gay, anti premarital sex, anti abortion and he stood against everything that the leaders in his day deemed as right and appropriate. He didn’t accept things as they were so I would say he was actually quite INTOLERANT and therefore did not display political correct-ness.

    So you accusing me of going against my religion by being anti-politically correct is actually quite a moot point.

    Oh, and thank you from the deepest part of my heart for the well wishes about getting my life together for my children. Although your malicious intent was obvious with this little mini rant on MY blog, I will reiterate:

    You did not offend me and quite comically proved yourself to be quite the ass.

    The FAT Chick (Because yes, I’m fat . . . duh)

    Tuesday, July 20, 2010

    FAT CLOTHES PORN & THE BLOGGERHOOD

    I'm feeling bitchy tonight.

    Not bitchy in the sense of cranky, whiny, and complaining.

    No, I mean badass bitchy. I feel snarky and mean and like I just want to bite someone's head off.
    Of course, I won't. Instead I will blog.


    Bear with me, this may be a lengthy one.





    First off I tried on some more clothing today.

    My mom sent me to our local supercenter and I took advantage of the opportunity to try on some clothes.

    This first photo is my ideal outfit for when I am thin. I found these shorts and this super cute tank and decided to take a BEFORE photo. Maybe next summer I'll be able to find some similar shorts and a similar shirt to compare?

    The shirt was 1x and the shorts were size 20. Granted the shorts were super tight in the waist but the next size up they had was 26 which wasn't going to portray what I wanted portrayed - change.
    I don't know if you can see it in the pic but my knees are really starting to gross me out. (My thighs too but you can't see my upper thighs) Where I am losing weight, the skin is all wrinkly and gathered. YUCK!






    This is the first dress that I have tried on since my high school graduation that I didn't completely want to throw up when I saw myself in it. Granted, I can't wait till I don't look pregnant anymore, but regardless I think I look 'decent'.







    This shirt was a lot cuter on the hanger than on my body. I loved the scooped and gathered neckline. This was a defo NO NO.






    I tried on this shirt before I noticed that it was practically see through. Hmmm. I don't like the front view as much as I like the side view below.



    I really like the side view. I almost feel like there's a real difference going on there.


    ONWARD


    So, I am participating in a KICKASS project by The Ex Hot Girl over at

    THE BLOGGERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING NOT SO FAT PANTS

    The idea is that as we lose weight we will inevitably need new clothing and new clothing that soon will be too big is just too expensive to buy straight out. So we have traveling pants. What size are you? Do you need new pants because your old sizes are too big, well the BLOGGERHOOD may just be what you're looking for.

    Check out the rules at the site above on the left hand side to participate.

    The first pair of pants I have are size 24 ANGELS light blue flare legged jeans with faded lines (I don't know the technical term) on the waist.



    The 2nd pair of pants are size 22 LEVIS and are a bit darker shade of blue boot cut jeans but with the same faded marks on the waist.

    The last pair of jeans are size 28 B. STREET washed out boot cut blue jeans with faded thighs.

    The Fat Chick

    POLITICALLY INCORRECT RANT - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

    Urban Dictionary defines Politically Correct as such:


    The ideology of weird left wing liberals who want society to be nothing but accepting of all perverts and freaks everywhere. The main basis is not to offend anyone with one little incorrect word.


    I AGREE WHOLE HEARTEDLY



    I received a comment on my most recent blog post regarding my use of the word 'retarded' in my blog, referring to my ex husband's character/personality. I was not referring to an actual physically or mentally handicapped person. Now, I don't purposely refrain from writing about controversial topics on my blog. When the urge hits, (as anyone who has read my blog for any length of time has seen) I do touch on controversial topics every now and again when I feel strongly about the topic. Such as: abortion, our nations current political status etc.

    In my opinion using words such as retarded in the context I did is not a big deal. It was the way I chose to express myself in that moment. But it was deemed as politically incorrect.


    I for one think politically correctness is RIDICULOUS. I think that people who need special names and special titles and special criteria are RIDICULOUS. Things are what they are and political correctness is just BULLSHIT to cover REALITY.

    Want examples?

    My ex is one. He is Mexican and yet American's insist on calling him Latino or Hispanic. Well, damn if I'm an idiot but he isn't from Latin America, nor is he from Spain. GASP! He's from Mexico and therefore a MEXICAN! The same way I'm an AMERICAN! A WHITE AMERICAN. Not CAUCASIAN. The color of my skin is WHITE. The same way my neighbor's might be BLACK. I'm sorry but if you were born here in the United States and your great great grandparents were born in and immigrated from Africa that does not make you AFRICAN AMERICAN. That makes them African and you American. Also, a good portion of Africans are actually white but if they were to immigrate to the USA you wouldn't find anyone calling them AFRICAN AMERICANS.

    AND I don't go around calling myself GREEK AMERICAN because my great great grandparents came over from Greece.

    Now I understand I may be the minority when it comes to these kinds of things. COME ON KRISTEN you all are saying. JUMP INTO THE 21st CENTURY WITH US, but I'm sorry. I'm not into liberal coddling and preference.

    For example, ILLEGAL ALIENS?? Oh, no, no, no, we have to call them un-documented because God forbid we actually call them on actually illegally trespassing into our country. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I have every right to complain. My EX was an illegal alien and his nephews ARE ILLEGAL ALIENS. They came here ILLEGALLY, trespassing over American soil and evading the law. IT WAS ALL ILLEGAL AND THEY ARE ILLEGAL. UNDOCUMENTED MY ASS! THEY HAVE PLENTY OF ILLEGAL DOCUMENTS!!

    Now I realize my using the word retarded in the context I did has very little to do with the issues I vented about above, but in essence it does. In today's world, one word can cause WWIII. Why? I call you black instead of African American, I call her a policeman instead of a police person, I say retarded instead of stupid. Why is today's average adult such a friggin wimp that they have to be offended by something so trivial?? The worst part is that the people who are offended are the people who understand best what I am trying to impart. I said my husband was retarded. My intent was to relay that I think he's stupid on many levels. Why is this refutable? If I want to use the word retarded instead of stupid, there should be no problem or misunderstanding. You know what I meant and choose to be offended, that isn't my problem, now is it? Choose to take yourself elsewhere where people cater to spineless wusses.

    ((DEEP BREATH))

    I apologize to everyone who got through all that without either angrily clicking out or un-following me. LOL I had to get it off my chest because ever since I got that comment it has been bugging me.

    Oh and I want to state for the record that my commenter did not accuse me of being politically incorrect. He in fact, warned me against those who would berate me for using the word the way I did. So, this in no way was directed at him.
    Edited after first comment: I understand that people who are directly affected by someone who has a mental or physical disability might become offended by the misuse of the word 'retarded'. I understand that people who live in certain situations or have experience with certain things may be more prone to being sensitive to the usage of words. I do not often go around spouting that people are retarded. Yes, on a regular basis I say my ex is retarded. My entire point with this post is to say, random people will jump all over a person who has innocently committed political incorrectness and call them racist or unaccepting etc. There was no mal intent using the word retarded except to express my distaste for my ex's choices. I just think too many people are crucified for innocently being flippant with their vocabulary.
    And yes, I realize in explaining myself I am somewhat contradicting everything I wrote, but a fellow blogger made a respectable point, of which I am not opposed to hearing/reading.

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